PLEASE READ: There's going to be another week off of posting after chapter 56. We don't like bringing up our mental health publicly like this, but we equally don't want to take a break without giving a reason. Our mental health has been declining to a very unhealthy degree. That's all we want to say, but we hope you all understand. We'll be back the same time on 4/22

 

Content warning: Self harm

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And now you're going to claw yourself?

That won't fix anything.

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With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and clenched down as I waited for Emma to get back.

My eyes stayed closed as I kept a tight grip on my arm. Letting the pain be the only distraction. Up until the front door opened and made me jump, only to see it was Emma. One glance at the rear view mirror was enough to see her just as pissed as she was when she saw my hands. Tarmon put his arm around my shoulder.

 

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Oh well, you didn't deserve a good sister like her anyway. She's probably going to abandon you now.

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My clawing got deeper as Emma gripped the steering wheel with both hands. "Kendall." I didn't respond and instead waited for her to continue. Her glare met mine through the mirror. "I'm going to give you one chance to tell me the truth. Have you been bullying Robbie?"

 

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She knows and now she hates you.

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In the same monotone voice I used with Sophie, "Robbie was getting bullied by a group of people, and I joined only for a little bit because they seemed cool. But I felt really bad about it ever since I accidentally broke his chair, so I made it clear that they're not going to pick on Robbie anymore and I'd protect him. I also got a friend of Robbie's bully to stop as well. The person I went to spend time with over the weekend. I know I fucked up in joining them and I'm sorry for hiding it, but I been trying everything to try and make it up to him."

 

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She's not going to buy something as stupid as that.

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Her grip on the steering wheel tightened. "He said that you were the only one bullying him. There wasn't any group, and it's been going on for a long time."

Once again, my grip on my arm tightened as I kept rambling. "Because Robbie doesn't like to talk about it, and I was the one that broke his chair. I also broke something really important in his backpack by mistake. So I'd be the one he hates most. He probably only talked about me because of it. I took the chair home to fix and you know I did, but I think he thought I took it to bully him some more when I was just trying to make it up to him."

Her grip didn't let up. "I know you're lying. Stop it and tell me the truth already."

"I'm not lying. He's the one I bought lunch for too, and I gave him my lunch. I'm really hungry, but I wanted to show him how sorry I was. He thought I was faking being nice, so he did all that and pepper sprayed me."

Emma dug her face into her hands. "Sophie's dad gave me his dad's phone number. I'm going to be talking to him to hear what actually happened."

"But if Robbie only told his dad about me, then he wouldn't know about the others."

She took out her phone and typed something in, "Then I'll talk to Robbie."

 

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Nothing you say or do can stop what's going to happen now.

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"Hello? Is this Robbie's dad?"

…

"My name's Emma, I'm Kendall's sister. A guy named Keith gave me your number to talk about what's been going on between Kendall and Robbie. I heard she's been bullying Robbie and I wanted to find out if that was true and how long she's been doing this."

…

"For how long? Because Kendall's saying that he's been getting picked on by a group of people, and she only joined in at the end for a little bit."

"I told you. Robbie wouldn't tell them about the others," I said, but she ignored me and kept talking on the phone.

…

"Thank you. But there's something else I need to say. Your son just pepper sprayed Kendall. Why was he even carrying pepper spray, and why the fuck did he bring my sister to a alleyway with three other people?"

…

"That's what Keith told me."

…

"I'd love to. What's the address?"

…

"Okay. Can we head over there now?"

…

"Alright. Thanks." She hung up the phone and typed more into her phone before she started up the car. "We're going to Robbie's house. I'm finding out what's really going on."

That alone was enough to tighten my grip even more. An intense pain radiated through my arm, and was the only thing that kept my heart from exploding from panic attacks that almost tricked me into thinking I was having a heart attack.

 

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All that hiding. All those lies and manipulation you pulled on Emma and Mom. They're going to find out all of it. Robbie's going to tell them everything. Just get out of the car now and become homeless, so you can at least miss Emma losing all her trust and love for you.

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Silence with the seemingly endless blank stare. I didn't bother asking what was going on, but Emma wasn't done dropping bombs. "My friend's also coming over tomorrow at around five."

Now I had to deal with that, but there was no room in my head for anything else because it was filled to the brim with bullshit. My grip stayed tight through the entire drive there.

 

Esmer. I need you.

 

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She's still not here, you fucking idiot.

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Please say something. I know you're tired but I need you now. I don't know what to do…

 

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And you seriously think she'll know what to do?

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She always does. Esmer, please talk to me.

 

We know we're in a bad spot, but we can't do anything.

Need to sleep.

Tired…

 

Esmer I-

 

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Still the same selfish bitch as ever. She needs sleep, and you're trying to force her awake because you can't handle the consequences of your actions.

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I just-

 

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You just didn't think about what she needs.

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Fine. I'm whatever you say I am. I don't care anymore but please help me. I can't do this. I know I'm a piece of shit that deserves this but there has to be some way to keep her from hating me. 

 

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Go back in time and choose not to lie to her for years.

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So you got nothing then. I don't know why I expected anything else. All you ever do is insult me.

 

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And that's what I'll continue to do until I've unloaded everything. And unloading anything is pointless right now, because you're already close to breaking.

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Sitting there with Tarmon, I worked hard to keep my mind focused on the pain and my heart rate down. I wanted time to prepare myself, but the entire ride was maybe only a few minutes. We pulled in, and there stood Robbie in front of the garage, looking at us. 

I didn't take my eyes away from him, but I still notice the incredible amount of plants in his yard. I knew Holly said he liked plants, but this was on another level.

Emma got out, "Excuse me, but is this 2518 Neuport Lane?"

"Yeah. Who are you?"

"I'm Kendall's sister. I talked to your dad just a bit ago, and he asked us to come over to talk about what's been happening between you and her." 

"She's with you?"

"Yeah. I heard she was bullying you and I want to find out what happened."

It took a long time for him to say something, but when he did. "I've had to deal with enough crap," Robbie said as he walked up to us, "Please leave."

Emma shut the door as she walked up to him, so I opened mine to hear what was going on, but I stayed in my seat.

"I also want to know what you were planning to do to my sister in that alleyway."

At that point, the front door opened and Robbie's dad poked his head out. "You guys can come in." He took a moment to look further out. "Robbie, are you out there?"

Robbie turned away and walked inside as Emma came around to open my door and hold out her hand. "Come on."

I let go of my arm and went to grab her hand, but midway through, I saw it. Blood on my finger tips.

 

Oh god no, no no no please not right now! 

 

I instantly switch to my other hand to grab hold of her and pull me out of the car, all while pretending nothing happened.

 

It’s fine, it’ll all be fine. I need to act like nothing happened and wash up and I’ll be just fine.

 

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Everyone's going to find out you cut yourself, and they're going to throw you into another institution. Only for longer this time.

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"What was that?" she asked as I tried to hide the blood by clenching my fist. My attempt to act calm was becoming harder by the second as I desperately pretended everything was fine.

"Nothing."

She grabbed my wrist and easily turned my hand around. Throughout this entire time, there've been points where I wanted to stop existing, but this topped them all…

“Why are you bleeding?” She lowered her head to eye level with mine. Her eyes full of panic. 

“I’ll be fine, It’s just a cut...” I said, swaying side to side as I gave up hope that things would be fine.

She turned me around to look at my arm and lifted up my sleeve. Four bloody marks. I didn't even try to stop her from looking.

“Holy- That’s not just a cut…"

We stood there, and everything finally took its toll as I stared off into space.

"Kendall?"

 

Can I disappear? Not existing sounds better than every single thing that's happened today.

 

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You haven't suffered nearly enough yet. Give it another fifty to sixty years.

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"Are you okay?"

I barely even realized she said my name. Worse was I didn't realized she started hugging me, but I latched onto her like my life depended on it. "Please don't hate me." My voice muffled by her shirt.

With a sigh, she patted my head. "Of course I don't hate you. I just don't understand why you have to do this stuff…"

"Is something the matter?" Robbie's dad called out to us.

Emma broke the hug. "Kendall accidentally hurt herself. Can she use your bathroom real quick?"

"Yeah. Is it bad?"

"No, she'll be fine." Emma said as she turned to me and leaned down to eye level again. Lowering her voice. "I need you to promise me that if you clean up in their bathroom, that you won't do anything else. If you feel like you're going to do something to hurt yourself, then come get me. Okay?"

I nodded, "I promise." With a quick nod, She led me inside their house. There were even more plants all through this place, but my attention was quickly drawn to Robbie. Our eyes met and I slowed down, but only enough to look at him for a few seconds before going up the stairs as Mr. Reynolds led me to a door and opened it.

"That's bleeding a lot, are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine. Thank you." I rushed inside and closed the door as my body felt less and less my own, and much more like I was on autopilot as one question ran through my mind over and over. 

 

Why the hell did I claw myself this much!? I have one rule. Never make myself bleed again. So what do I do? I make myself bleed in front of the most important person in my life!

 

I turned on the water and ran my arm under the sink. Everything fell apart around me, and I only seemed to be making it worse. 

Esmer? Gone.

Robbie? More guilty than ever.

My dignity? Ha! What fucking dignity? I was cleaning up my blood in Robbie's house of all places after I stabbed myself with my nails. All because I couldn’t handle my fuck ups. That’s pathetic!

The one good bit of news was that it didn’t take long to stop the bleeding. When everything was clean enough, I leaned up against the door and slid down it, constantly playing out what was going to happen. 

 

—

Emma telling Mom I was cutting again and making her worry.

Them deciding to get me 'help' and make me go inpatient again.

Everyone at school finding out that I was inpatient and learning why I was there.

—

 

So, I decided to lock myself in here. Hiding away just seemed like the best choice for now...