I Can't Wake Him Up If He's Dead

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There's a food stall at the side of the street. A familiar person wearing a tuxedo despite the heat, is drinking a beer seemingly drunk with another drunk fellow in disheveled casual outfit.

Although my boy looks unwell, he is still better than his seatmate. It's as if he's about to die in any second.

They're talking about their grievances in their lives; sympathizing and cheering up one another— giving each other the will to live for tomorrow.

The stall owner seems like he doesn't hear the two men chatting pitifully, but is focused on washing the dishes instead.

“....hic.. I understand what you feel. What can I even do though...? It's my fault I lost her. If only— hic.. gahh.. If only I wasn't so cowardly back then, I probably have a child with her by now..”

“...Djid shamvody Ishtole your— hic— your.. your.. GF away from you?”

“Kehh~ Nobody stole her from me.. agh.. I.. well.. I kind of had.. agh fuck. I never have confessed to her once. She never have been mine. But I know she knows I like her...”

“Yetch shwe Ishtill married shamvody elsh?! Shamelessh wuman!”

“Bro— hic.. don't say that.. It's my fault. Why would she wait for somebody who seems like he had no intention of pursuing her...? She probably was full of doubt.. and hahh~ finally given up.”

“You ishtill jefend her?? I guessh it's fine. Bwut jhere's still wa lot of wuman out there!”

“.......” he looks at the bottle of alcohol in daze. It's not a high-class beer but something you can buy for at least seventy pesos per bottle.

Judging from the amount of bottle around them, they probably drunk several cases of beer already. I'm surprised they're still awake.

Just how long they have been drinking here? This isn't even probably the place they begun drinking.

I sit in between them. The two men don't seem to notice me. The familiar guy in my left is still looking at the bottle in daze seemingly reminiscing about something.

His fellow in my left looks like dead while lying his head on the table seemingly asleep. 

He can't finally take it and lost consciousness.

“What's for you, boy?” the owner asks while putting the dishes down.

“Fufu. Soda please.”

“Alright,” he bents down and when he straighten himself up, he gives me the cold bottle after removing the lid.

“Kuya, did they bought all these beers from you?”

“Hahaha. No way. I don't sell beer.” He points behind me. There's a variety store on the other side of the street. Four women who I assume to be housewives are talking or rather gossiping to one another.

They probably are free this time given that it's already noon. They got nothing else to do but talk to each other.

“They bought the beer from that store. They've been here since morning. In fact, that guy who's sleeping beside you has been drinking already when I opened my stall.”

I knew it.

“I let them be because they look sad. They're so pitiful. Defeated in the competition of love. Hahhh. Besides, they're customers and aren't really a bother.”

Oh. My boy is crying.

This guy who hasn't moved his gaze from the bottle since earlier is now tearing up. What happened to him all of sudden?

The first time we met is in this place as well, I was bored last week and decided to eat here.

He was so happy back then when telling me—  a complete stranger who's not even 18 years old, that he finally had the courage to confess to his childhood sweetheart after three decades of being indecisive.

And now he's crying. Judging from their conversation, his sweetheart is already married.

But did he managed to confess though? Or did he freeze up after seeing his beloved in somebody else's arm? 

Fufufu. Poor guy. I wonder if he gave up by now. Honestly, just give up.

“Oh hello there kuya,” I pat his shoulder.

“......” he stares at me seemingly wondering who's this kid acting intimately with him.

“Oh it's you. A—burp—re you here to mock me...?”

“It's me and nah, fufufu,” I wave my hand in front of him and he knocks it off.

“Your face is smiling gleefully you know.”

“Fufufu. It's my default expression. Don't mind it.”

“You're strange.

“Thank you.”

“........” I take a sip of the carbonated drink and my throat feels like there's something pricking it. Kind of itchy.

After being silent for a moment, with a gloomy face, he says in low whimper, “I think I'll give up.”

“Why? Did she reject you?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

I already know why judging from his conversation with this other guy.

“She's married...”

I know. I heard you earlier.

“Hahahahahahaha— hic! Hahahahaha!” he is suddenly laughing. A self deprecating laugh.

“Well this is embarrassing, I shamelessly bragged to—hic—you how I've finally decided to confess to her after many years... But— hahahahaha! I couldn't.”

He didn't confess? He was so confident then, even telling me that he'll make sure to invite me to their wedding. But look at him now— Laughing pitifully to himself.

“Why did you not confess to her?”

“I didn't even manage to meet her. Looking at them from a corner, she and her husband lives in a simple modern house. They have one red car and I can't say they're rich. But they're so happy with their two children.... I can't do it. It's too late.”

I think he still have something to say so I'll just drink my soft drink.

“I did my everything I could to reach the higher class in order to feel worthy of her. She was so beautiful back then, but of course she's still beautiful today even though she has two kids already. But that aside, her father is a good businessman so they have a good business. I thought I should have something first before confessing to her. Now, I'm far more wealthier than them but.... Why am I more miserable..?”

I put the empty bottle of soft drink back on the table and look at him with a smile— well nothing changes because I have a default smiling expression but never mind that.

“They got what they want. But you didn't.”

“.......” he looks sad.

“Finally giving up now?” I tilt my head, “Are you giving up without even confessing to her? Wasn't your whole life up until now is for you to be ‘worthy’ of confessing to her?”

“What's the point? She's married.”

You look like you already gave up.

“Or... Are you telling me to snatch her from her husband?”

That's a good idea.

“I said that you should confess to her. Isn't that what you want?”

He's laughing silently while shaking his head after hearing my question.

“Of course it is. But what's the point? I'll get rejected anyway.”

“So?”

“What do you mean by ‘so’?

“Life is pointless in the first place. We're the only one making a point out of it. So what if you get rejected? Isn't what you wanted to confess? Whether you'll get rejected or not is not for you to decide. That's in her control.”

“.......”

“Do you know what brought you to this point?”

“......what..?”

“Your arrogance.”

“........What??? I'm arrogant?” he looks really confused by that fufufufu.

“You didn't confess to her because you were not worthy of her... is what you said. And last time, you decided you will confess because you're finally worthy of her, right? But is that for you to decide?”

He frowns in response.

“Whether you're worthy or not is for her to decide. That's beyond your control. The only thing you can do is to confess. Confessing is yours; Deciding is hers.”

He looks like he's in daze then shakes his head after, “She's happily married.”

“So what? So what if she's married? You're only going to confess.”

“But that can destroy their family!”

“Fufufu. Arrogant indeed. So you think she'll choose you over her husband once you declared your love to her?” I continue, “Besides, their happiness is none of your business.”

“!!”

“Maybe I'm wrong. But, didn't you worked yourself to death to rise up, because you wanted to be worthy for her? Isn't this what you truly desire?”

“.......”

“Aren't you way too arrogant? Wanting for her family to be happy while also wanting for you to be with her when you're incapable to get both.” I grin, “It's impossible to get both.”

“I—”

“You're miserable because you're stuck. You can't make up your mind. If what you wanted is for her happiness with that family, then give up on your desire and move on. Be happy because she's now happy.”

“Isn't that what I am planning...”

“Then what? The next time I'll see you, nothing would have changed, I bet. You will still be miserable— indulging in escapism. Because deep inside, you want her for yourself.”

“Kid! I'm not a selfish person,” he looks angry. Because I'm provoking a drunk heartbroken man, the stall owner is looking at me strangely and cautiously.

“All of us has our own desires. We always have things we want. Everything we do is for ourselves. Even if it seems to be for someone, is it really for them? If you look at it fundamentally, in the end, you only did it for your own desire. It just so happen that what you want is to do something for them.”

“.......”

“This make us all ‘selfish.’ No one is truly selfless. Because we always do things for ourselves.”

“That's...” he looks conflicted. “But as I said.. she's married, and happy.”

“I understand your concerns. But it's not really about which is the right thing to do. My point is that in order for you to move on, you have to make a choice, and deal with the consequences.” I tap the table with my index finger, I say, “So... Which is it: Give up or try your luck?”

“........”

“Once you choose the former, you'll lose her and you'll be hurt for who knows how long. But if you choose the latter, you might get into trouble causing for your own destruction; and you might even cause for her to hate you.”

“......” he's frowning really hard.

“You want to give up because you're afraid to wreck a happy happy but  you also desire her. However, you can't have both. So choose which one is much more important for you.”

He looks at me and I look back into his trembling bloodshot eyes.

“What do you choose?”

*Swoosh!*

He stands up. Leaving a 500 peso bill behind, he rushes away, “I'm leaving.” He seems to have made up his mind. He doesn't even care about his change.

“Boy, that wasn't helpful. A happy family might crumble,” the owner looks at me with worry while putting the 500 peso bill into his money bag.

“Kuya, in the tower card, a lightning bolt of clarity and insight cuts through the lies and illusions you have been telling yourself, and now the truth comes to light.” I look at the peaceful sky and squint my eyes die to the light, “The best way forward is to let this structure self-destruct so you can re-build and re-focus.”

“........” the owner is not saying anything. He's listening attentively.

“My boy has been living in an illusion. He's miserable because he knows deep inside he's in an illusion. He still believes he can get her at this point. But knew it's too late. He wants to give up but can't. Or rather, he doesn't want to.” I pay for the soda, “He left this stall of yours knowing he will fail. But that's what he need to push him forward.”

“How about the woman and her family? Isn't he causing unnecessary trouble.”

“If their family has no illusions— If her family has a stable foundation; if the tower is built solid; If there's no crack, no lightning or storm will ever break them.” I add, “If she gets tempted, it just mean that her desire— or I should call it ‘love’ for her husband isn't that firm. All people involved will realize it. Things will come to light. And that is just the beginning. In short, this is just a test and opportunity for all of them. Destruction isn't a bad thing.”

After staring at me for a long time, the owner says, “You're a weird kid.”

“Fufu,” I giggle.

“Ah right. Can you wake him up?” he points to the guy beside me who fell unconscious earlier.

I shake my head.

“Just do me a favor.”

“It's not like I don't want to, it's just because I can't.”

“What?”

“He's dead,” I say while walking away from the food stall because Eli-chan is here.

“W-W-W-What?!!” The owner panics, “He's really dead!!”