15 January, 2019

 

 

Tuesday

 

 

 

              Nothing much unusual of an occurrence today, as far as I'm concerned. Well, it depends on how one defines the adjective. If your interpretation is: anything guaranteed to disrupt your daily routine and initiate annoyance and/or anxiety; there's nothing much unusual. Otherwise, if it happens to be: witnessing a bunch of caped or winged folks flying across the troposphere faster than MACH 5, or meeting a number of individuals with peculiar physical features and abilities ripped straight out of comic books and fairytales walking, crawling or slithering about all over Congress Street, minding their own business on a daily basis; then it had been, indeed, an unusual day. 

 

                Today's events are just as noteworthy as the past ten days had been. It's my tenth time writing the very same introductory paragraph. 

 

                For now, there is nothing significant to elaborate regarding my health's predicament, with the exception of seeing a pattern of deterioration in my enthusiasm towards making progress on this diary for the past few days. It could be my subconscious telling me the futility of holding a pen after officially finishing my will just about a score of days before. Could be another complication, actually, or a chronic apathy finally brought upon by age. Either way, it'll most likely force me to conclude this diary within a week or two; and running out of all the things I can write down at the moment forces me to conclude this day's entry right here. 

 

                 -------------------

                 And that's it for today. 

 

                 After returning the diary to my beloved shelf, orderly filled with a few past diaries and some of my favorite novels, I carefully made my way to the bathroom, a water bottle in hand. Would've taken only three seconds to reach for the doorknob if I was still forty-five. Too bad that was three decades and a year ago. But to be fair, those decades passed by faster than any of these superheroes could ever fly. 

 

                  It'd feel weird and existential crisis-inducing, if you aren't used to it. Seeing my dear Lily taking her first steps feels like yesterday. It's funny how time flies over your head as fast as it can as a reminder of life's limited duration. Every year gets shorter and shorter as you go. The moment realization finally hits you in the face, you're already close to the finish line, carrying deep regrets of wasting your precious days. You never truly appreciate the present until it becomes the past. 

 

                   But enough of this topic. While it doesn't bother me as much as it did before, discussing it still is uncomfortable. 

 

                   Reaching for the bathroom shelf with a perpetually trembling wrinkly hand, I was careful averting my glance from the mirror as I opened the shelf and pulled out a glass vial containing painkillers. I quickly tossed two in my tongue and let the water thrust it down my system. It'll take care of the wave of agony I'll be having around midnight. 

 

                    I made my way to the bed. It's eight-twenty-two, more than half an hour before my sleep schedule. At this moment, I felt like doing something to pass the time. I could re-read a few pages of Moby Dick, or… 

                   

 I rose from the mattress, before slowly and cautiously stooping over. Underneath my bed was a fairly large wooden trunk secured by three combination padlocks, each one requiring a different code to unlock. Making sure my door was locked and my windows covered shut, I pulled it out. It felt twice as heavy than its normal weight, which is to be expected for my frail seventy-six-year-old body to feel. Regardless, I managed to do the job. 

 

                     Putting each combination's specific codes, the trunk was unlocked in no time. I opened the lid, only to find another trunk completely filling every space inside. It had a padlock too, and this time it needed an actual key. Something I have, of course. I pulled my silver locket out hiding underneath my grandpa sweater. The pendant, attached to the thin silver chain loosely wrapped around my neck, was guitar shaped and four inches long overall, from its peg-adorned head to the body. When opened, one would find the padlock key safe inside. To my credit, it's a clever idea on my part; keys and guitars are similar in shape.

 

                      Most of the inner trunk's space was occupied by my much older diaries neatly piled and sorted. I should've thrown them away years ago, but due to my hoarding habits, combined by my desire to preserve any object connected with the memories of the past, whether said memories may be positive or otherwise, I just couldn't. When you're a wrinkly senior citizen, you'd prefer wallowing in a sea of nostalgia to distract you from the fact that you're on the verge of reaching that certain inevitable fate. 

 

                       I'm not throwing them away. Not until it bites me in the ass later on. 

 

                       Other than the diaries, my M1911 pistol with an empty .45 ACP magazine peacefully lay inside, waiting to be handled. It's obviously not what I'm looking for. What's lying above it is.  

 

                       I pulled out the red dress, neatly folded at the bottom of the trunk, careful not to touch the gun. It had been nearly fifty years, and the dress' worn out appearance once again reminded me of how fucking long that was. It wouldn't have survived those decades if I had been taking care of it any less than I usually do. At the time, I encountered a woman who --I kid you not-- tried to sexually attack me. She was sporting the garment pretty well. Happened to stumble upon an exact same copy being sold in one of the stores I've passed by back in Manhattan. Connie, the wife of a fellow bandmate, volunteered to purchase it for me. You can't just enter a female clothing store, especially when you were a big celebrity at the time. 

 

                       "Oh, good. You're wearing it again?" 

 

                      I turned my head. Sitting on my study chair where my ass was resting before going to the bathroom was a visibly preadolescent girl with a ponytailed dirt-blonde hair. Oddly enough, she sported an outfit only a businesswoman in her late thirties and above would wear: a formal black blazer over a royal blue tank top and a pair of grey pants. A pricey designer's purse rested on her lap. I never really named her properly. But then again, she's somehow okay with me teasingly addressing her as Boss Girl. 

 

                       "... Yes," I guiltily replied. 

 

                       "Very good. But I suggest you buy a new one. 'Cause Dear God, you're not gonna tell me that thing still looks appealing."

 

                       "There's no need. I'll be six feet under after three months, anyway."

 

                       She rolled her sky blue eyes. "My point exactly. Start enjoying these months to the fullest while you still can."

 

                       "No."

 

                       "Why not?"

 

                       "I don't…"

 

                       "You don't, what?"

 

                       "I don't deserve it."

                   

                       Boss Girl chuckled mockingly. "I guess that's true. Buuut… it's not like stopping yourself makes up for everything you've done, anyway. Whether you make the best out of your terminal days or otherwise, it doesn't make any difference whatsoever. So why hold back?"

 

                       I sighed. "What I've done was unforgivable. I don't deserve happiness; I deserve to suffer and die. For years, I've never given myself time to abuse my dopamine supply. All the opportunities to do so, I've given to Lily. She's the only light of my life, boss. A light that I found. The only enjoyment I deserve is her smile, because it's something I've earned."

 

                       "Fair enough. But say, a chance to extinguish your guilt once and for all arrives. Like, for some miracle, you've been given time to achieve redemption. Would you take it?" 

 

                       "Yes! Of course I would. I-it's just…"

 

                         I simply froze in my tracks before my statement was even finished. My lips sealed themselves tight. 

 

                       She raised an eyebrow. "Hmm? Go on."

 

                       I clasped the dress harder. 

 

                       "What's wrong?" 

 

                       I sighed. She paused, an annoying smile slowly creeping across her face. 

 

                       Seconds later, Boss Girl let out a deriding laugh. Something once you hear would cause a few veins in your head to pop. "I know what's wrong. You're a fucking coward."

 

                       "... Can you go now, please?" I dismissed her. "I'm not spending the rest of my limited time entertaining you."

 

                       Knock-knock-knock. 

 

                       "Grandpa? Everything alright in there?"  

 

                       I reflexively shifted my attention to the voice coming from the other side of the door. Soothing, breathy and high-pitched, it's the voice of a girl I'd never get tired of hearing until my last breath. A girl I'd die to protect. 

 

                       My hands shoved the dress back into the trunk, pressed its lid shut, and slid it back under the bed with the intent of competing against the Flash's speed. Twisting the knob, my eyes were instantly greeted by the sight of a girl in her mid-teens with dirt-brown hair. She's the only light in my life, the only flower in my wasteland, the only island in my ocean, and the only… okay, maybe that's enough attempts of pulling off flowery words; I fucking sound cheesier than Mozzarella. Huh, where'd she get those earrings? They don't look like your typically priced jewelry. 

 

                       "Grandpa Charlie? Are you alright?" she asked again. 

 

                       "I-it's nothing, cupcake."

 

                       "You sure? I swear it sounded like you were, like, talking to yourself."

 

                       "I'm just…  reading some of my favorite novel dialogues out loud."

 

                       "O-oh. Okay. Anyway, I'm just checking. Did I… bother you or anything?"

 

                       I gave out a light chuckle. "Oh, no, darling. Not at all, not at all. If anything, I'm the one bothering you, giving you concerns and all." 

 

                       Lily shook her head lightly. "I mean, I don't mind, Gramps. You deserve my concern. You're not in your fifties anymore, you know? And… remember? I'll be in college already by the end of Summer."

 

                       I sighed. "... Yeah."

 

                       "Let me try to take care of you the best I can before the time to grab my suitcase arrives. It's the only way I can make it up to you… well, aside from maintaining my academic affairs intact, of course."

 

                       I decided to rest my wrinkly derriere at the edge of the bed and motioned my granddaughter to do the same, to which she was more than obliged to comply. "Sweetheart, you entering college is more than enough as a compensation. Rather than wasting your time worrying about me, why don't you just… spend it on making the best out of your remaining high school days? Time… it's--"

 

                       "One thing I have a lot of, yes, I get it, Gramps. But…" she paused to inhale, bracing herself for the words she's about to drop. "But it's something you're running out of too." 

 

                        I sighed again.

 

                        "For as long as I can remember, you've spoiled me rotten nonstop. What's so bad about me finally returning the favor?"

 

                       "There's nothing wrong with it, sweetheart. It's just--"

 

                       "You're not… hiding anything from me… are you?"

 

                       I felt the urge to reflexively turn my head away from a soul-targeting gaze she just gave me. Luckily, I was able to get my shit together, staring straight back at her mud-brown eyes in response. To further sell my composure and subtly assert my authority, I raised an eyebrow and tried to look as friendly as possible instead of being defensive.

 

                       "Huh. What makes you think so, cupcake?" I asked. 

 

                       After a few seconds feeling like an entire hour, she finally looked away. "I-I don't know, I just…" Her voice trailed off, before proceeding to sigh. "I'm just probably overthinking or some shit."

 

                       "Hey. Language, young lady." I muttered. 

 

                       She laughed, genuine amusement perfectly apparent in her face. "Am I still ten, Grandpa?"      

 

                       She was. Just yesterday. And by that, I mean eight years ago. I mean… it just feels like yesterday to me, you know?

 

                       "I don't care how old you are, missy. There's no valid reason for you to use that word randomly."

 

                       She sighed and rolled her eyes, the smile still lingering in her face. "Okay. Sorry, Gramps." 

 

                       "Oh, it's okay, darling. Sh-- ... I mean, it happens. Just… just don't do it again, if you can."

 

                       I'm such a hypocrite.

 

                       "And uh… by the way, those are some gorgeous earrings you got there, dear. Where'd you get them?"

 

                       Lily held her left earring's heart-shaped legit-looking gem pendant. "They look great on me, don't they? I got it from a friend."

 

                      "They look expensive."

 

                      She smirked proudly. "You won't believe it costs only four dollars. At least, according to him." 

 

                      "Huh. And who is this friend, exactly?"

 

                      "It's Raymond Grayson Jr., Gramps."

 

                      "Oh I see." I laughed enthusiastically. "You guys are just friends and nothing else… right?"

 

                      "O-oh, yeah, of course. What else were you expecting between us?"

 

                      "I guess… a lot of kissing, and dating and... sex?"

 

                      She laughed, although with a face that's clearly heating up from the thoughts my words had given her. "That's a big no. We've never done those things before."

 

                      Raymond Grayson Jr. had been a friend of Lily for years. Been study buddies since the third grade. He and his family were among our neighbors. Tall with a decent build, I trust he's got something big to offer to Lily, aside from being a science geek with straight A's for years like my dear granddaughter. 

 

                      "Well, you should, at least once, you know. Enjoy youth while it lasts. 'Cause trust me, dear. You might regret it someday."

 

                      "Well, I enjoy studying with Raymond enough. Spending time with you... is something I enjoy too. I don't need to ask for more than that ."

 

                      "Make sure you mean it."

 

                      She set those eyes straight into my soul again. "But I do, Gramps."

 

                      "Okay, then." With that, I paused, deciding to rise slowly after a few seconds.. Lily, seeing my action, proceeded to assist me.

 

                      I held a wrinkly hand up as steady as I could. "No. Don't bother, dear."

 

                      "No, Gramps. Let me--"

 

                      "Please. No."

 

                      Managing to stand myself up, Lily followed suit, obviously focusing on my body and movements to see if there's anything she can do to help me. 

 

                       "Now… where were we? Oh… right, right. Uh, as much as I'd love to chit-chat a little longer, it's around nine now, Lily, my dear."

 

                       Her eyes scanned the walls from left to right to find the clock, then looked down for a split second, for some reason. Successfully finding the wall clock, located at the upper portion of my left wall, her eyebrows were raised immediately. "Oh, right! Sorry. Enjoy your rest, Gramps." 

 

                       "Yours as well, cupcake," I said with a faint smile. 

 

                       Lily finally turned for the door… only to halt during her third step. I wonder why?

 

                      She somehow waited for seven seconds to pass before she finally spoke. 

 

                      "Whether you like it or not, Gramps, I'll be focusing on your well-being much more from now on. I want you safe and healthy before I drag my suitcase out of that doorstep. It's my choice, and there's nothing you can do about it," she stated, without ever looking back. 

 

                       With the door closed shut and the gentle sounds of footsteps fading away from the other side, I returned to the mattress to fully relax once and for all… or to just try doing so at least.  Pushing a frustrated sigh out of my chest was the only reaction that came out after that conversation.

                         

 

                        "This isn't good," I mumbled underneath my breath. "Lily's a smart girl. I can guarantee she'll quickly notice something's up eventually."

                       

                        "Why don't you just tell her anyway? It's just a stupid little disease, for fuck's sake."

 

                        I looked up to find Boss Girl hovering mid-air in a fetal position, mere inches away from getting her head in contact with the wooden ceiling. 

 

                        In case you didn't know, I've been diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer, and my perpetually skinny appearance that I had since 1998 perfectly hid any apparent signs of the amount of weight I lost. And as you can guess, I've long accepted my fate. I'm more than willing to embrace it. 

 

                        "It's not that easy," I said. "I don't want her to worry or hurt her in any way. Telling her will."

 

                        "You're going to hurt her regardless. Look, you're almost eighty, for fuck's sake! You're very much aware how the price you pay gets bigger and bigger the longer you keep this a secret."

 

                        "And I'm also aware I won't ever have to pay as long as the secret stays a secret."

 

                        "And all secrets are doomed to be disclosed at some point in time!"

 

                        "From my experience, no. That can't be further from the truth. The best secrets are the ones believed by everyone to be nonexistent, when it's otherwise. And those secrets do exist."

 

                        She frowned. "Sounds pretty paradoxical, the way you put it. But-- but anyway, what's exactly your point? This is a different kind of secret we're talking about. It's a secret you won't be able to hide much longer. If she doesn't find out now, you'll still be bedridden a month later, I can guarantee you that. So what the fuck do you hope to achieve and why?"

 

                       I did not answer, at least within like seven excruciating seconds. I sighed afterwards, bracing myself for what I'm about to reveal. "I just… I'd never want to take her smile away. I only want to see it in each of my remaining days. I'd hate seeing her frown, or to witness tears flowing out of those innocent eyes. Telling her… telling her what I'm going through will take that smile away. "

 

                        In response, Boss Girl nodded maturely and professionally, which personally always felt wacky to see when she has the body of a twelve-year-old. Then, she finally spoke up. "Doesn't that sound a bit selfish on your part, girl?"

 

                        I chuckled lightly. "I guess it kind of is, but not exactly. It's not that selfish when I'm preventing her from experiencing emotional distress. I mean… I mean what can I say? She's the light of my life. Her smile is the only thing I deserve to enjoy, as I've said earlier."

 

                        "I see," she said. "If you wanna keep lying to her so badly, then I've got a solution: you know, I'm pretty sure the storm's produced a bunch of healers all over the world. You could try finding a hero or a couple more that could help within Portland. That way, you can still spend another decade or more with her."

 

                        I shook my head solemnly. "That I can't do. I swore to never get any help. I don't deserve any.  Like I said, I plan to make my remaining days as miserable as possible, and that's irrevocable. And… I don't plan to stay in this world a decade longer. Passing sooner means she'll never have to be obligated to take care of me."

 

                        "So I thought. But it's not just about you, Charlie. It's about Lily as well. If your former friends no longer give a shit about you going, the same can't be said to your granddaughter, and you're aware of that more than anyone else," she said, gently floating herself down into the very same chair she'd been sitting on earlier. "Whether or not you choose to tell her whatever disease you've been carrying, you're gonna hurt her regardless. But… if you do tell her as early as possible, you'll still hurt her, yes. But she'll eventually make peace with it. Lily will be on good terms with you once you tell the truth instead of doing the opposite, and you'll see her smile again for the rest of your days if that's what you really want, followed by a proper exchange of goodbyes when your time finally comes."

 

                         With these words of hers, she leaned her body forward in my direction to create a bit more intensity and intimacy between us for what she's about to say next. 

 

                         "But in the end…" she went on. "... I know you'll never never do this. After all... you're a fucking coward."

                                                  

                         My mouth was ajar, wanting to be opened and closed simultaneously. It was paralyzed; desiring to speak up, yet no words could come out. I couldn't think of anything to respond to those words. I mean… how could I? The profoundness of her reasoning is something I cannot refute. She's simply spitting common sense into my rusty noggin 'cause I'm not making any sense at all. 

 

                          Boss Girl sighed, shook her head in dismay, and gave me a chuckle, one expressing both mockery and sympathy towards me, for some reasons. "Let's call it a night for now, girl. Think about it thoroughly."

 

                          With that, the chair was empty a split second later.

 

                          Lying down upon the soft mattress, I straightened my body in a way I find the most comfortable. I checked the wall clock. Hm, 9:31. The hour ran faster than anticipated. Oh, well. Pulling the sheets to bury every part of me that wasn't my head, I shut my eyelids tight, not bothering to kill the lights at all, and let my soul wander around Dreamland.

 

                          It wasn't long until a violent knock on the door caused me to flinch. My heart skipped a beat in turn, only to hasten its pace tenfold as a compensation.  

 

                          Lily? What does she want this time? Wait a minute…

 

                          Oh God. 

 

                          Had she been eavesdropping all along? 

 

                          Although by the manner the knock sounded, it was surprisingly powerful. It's not how Lily would usually knock. Hers were soft, yet sharp and decently loud, a characteristic proportional to her dainty knuckles. The only way she could potentially pull off such a powerful knock would be if she punched the door. Wait…

 

                          Is she actually that furious? 

 

                          I mean, I can't exactly blame her if so. I've lied to her about a terrible disease that fatally destroys my well-being, and my well-being is something she had shown extreme concern just now. 

 

                          Yet before my vocal cords could even produce the slightest sound to call her, the power randomly went out. I mean, what gives? I had no choice but to simply sit here in my bed, squinting through the pitch darkness. Now, where did I put my glasses again?

 

                          "Charlie?"

 

                          An awfully familiar voice was heard from the other side of the door, and it's far from being Lily's. Hearing that very voice was an instant signal for my brain to play flashbacks in my head, the kind that'll make you painfully wish for your childhood days to return, to an extreme point where you'd momentarily act like you're seven again. My heart beat like Stew's on frenzy with his drums, only his drum was my chest. Tears moistened and gathered underneath my eyeballs, until they spilled out like the Hoover Dam when it's full, causing them to run down my wrinkly face. 

 

                        A trembling hand of mine moved on its own to remove the sheets covering me, my excited legs helped kick them away as I hurried to get off the mattress. For the first time in decades, I felt like a kid again! 

 

                         "M-Mom?"

 

                         "Charlie!"

 

                         Am I dreaming? Am I dead already? Either way, who cares? Mom's coming to visit me!

 

                         I approached the door. 

 

                         "I'm coming Mom!"

 

                         Wait. If the power's out, how come I'm seeing light from the other side of the door? And it's… red, too?

 

                         "Oh, how I've missed you, honey!" she exclaimed happily. 

 

                         My breathing grew rapid. I… I was already sobbing. "I… I missed you too, Mom!" 

 

                         "Well, I'm here now, sweetie," she said, her voice slightly shaky. "Now, kindly open the door and let Mommy hug you tight."

 

                         "Will do in a second, Mom!" I giddily approached the door as my right hand reached for the knob. I can't believe it… Mom's back for me!

 

                         Wait.

 

                         My legs, taking steps on their own, all of a sudden just stopped midway through crossing the space between the bed and the door. I decided to look down again, intending to observe the horizontal line of red light emitting from the thin gap below the door. Again, why is the light red as fuck? And… 

 

                         … And if Mom was simply standing outside, I should be able to see the shadowy silhouette of her feet partially blocking the red light underneath the door.

 

                         But that wasn't the case at all. 

 

                         "What's the matter, dear?" she asked, a hint of concern in her voice. 

 

                         "I-it's nothing, Mom."

 

                         "Charlie, my dear. You still haven't opened the door."

 

                         I had to find out what the fuck was going on at the moment. 

 

                         "Open the door, Charlie."

 

                         "Just… wait a second more, Mom! I'm on it!" I replied, deciding I should place an eye in the doorhole before actually unlocking the door. Something's fishy here. 

 

                         "Charlie?"

 

                         My head a mere foot from the doorhole, I closed one eye to see through it as clearly as possible. 

 

                         "Don't you love me, Charlie?"

 

                          What?

 

                          My body instinctively stopped doing whatever I was telling it to do. 

 

                          "Mom... that's a silly question. O-of course I love you, Mom. With all my heart."

 

                          "... Then why did you leave me?"

 

                          My legs took me three steps back. 

 

                          "Why did you leave me, Charlie?"

 

                          "I was…" and with that, I simply ran out of words to form yet again as my mind blanked. My leg joints trembled and creaked, threatening to drop my body on the floor. Stew's masterful drum solo in my chest left me gasping for air as my eyes went from being faucets to becoming Niagara Falls. 

 

                         "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!"

 

                         THUD!

                         THUD!

                         THUD!

 

                         From the way it sounded, oh, God… She seemed to be slamming her own body repeatedly against the thick mahogany door! 

 

                         "WHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYOPENTHEFUCKINGDOORDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEITSALLYOURFAULTWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEYOURWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMOPENTHEFUCKINGDOORWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMECRIMSONWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEMEWHYDIDYOULEAVEME

 

                         "WHY

 

                         "WHY

 

                         "WHY

 

                         "WHY

 

                         "WHY!

 

                         "WHY!!

 

                         "WHY!!!"

 

                         THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! 

 

                         My legs gave in. Next thing I knew I was on my knees, hunching down as I wrapped my head with my arms, my palms shakily attempting to stifle those horrible slamming noises and Mom's jarring repetitive words spoken inhumanly. 

                         "PLEASE!" I shrieked. "STOP!!!" 

 

                         THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!

                         The slamming continued for more than several seconds… before the entire household was filled with deathly silence again, akin to how a tumultuous whirlpool would quickly dissipate, leaving an aftermath behind in the form of unstable waters, weakening until reaching absolute stagnancy where not a ripple exists. 

 

                         That being said, my heavy breathing and sobbing created ripples to disturb the stagnancy. I just couldn't help it. 

 

                         I dared not catch a glance at the door, shutting my eyes as a result; tight enough to prevent those red lights outside from entering my pupils, loose enough to give my tears enough allowance. 

 

                        "I-I'm… sorry…" I managed to say between my sobs. "I've l-left you on your own... I didn't mean to, Mom… I didn't mean to… I didn't mean to… I didn't..."

 

                        There was no answer, nor any sorts of noises outside my room, except for a sudden yet soft breeze whistling past my window. What happened to Mom?

 

                        I decided to let everything out first, sobbing all the liquid out of my eyes until I felt the urge to puke, to which I was thankful I didn't. Finishing up, I rose to my feet slowly, my fragile back cracking as I did. 

 

                        Setting my eyes upon the door, hidden in the dark if not for the light emanating underneath it as well as through the several visible cracks, the latter being the result of Mom damaging the door repeatedly, using her very own body as a battering ram. 

 

                        "...Mom?"

 

                        Still no answer. 

 

                        I stepped forward yet again, my head reaching for the doorhole; there was now more than one choice to choose in what and how to check what's outside thanks to Mom's assaulting, but the actual peephole still does the job the best, existing solely to do just that and nothing more.

 

                        From a foot of a distance, all I could make out through the hole was more redness. But as I got closer, and closer… 

 

                        … And closer, what I witnessed was an instantaneous trigger to feel an overwhelming cold in every inch of this aged body, especially my heart, as I felt every hair follicle stand on end. Every muscle of mine was rendered immobilized, including my enlarged eyes and my gaping jaw. The only movement I could sense in my body was the trembling I was currently experiencing. 

 

                       I wanted to scream, but my vocal cords were just as paralyzed as the rest of me. 

 

                       But my mind was fully lucid, and it was begging for me to look away. 

 

                       My eyeballs… they're burning… despite being moistened.

 

                       Moistened by blood, that is.

 

                       For what I saw was Crimson?

 

                       And crimson

 

                       And Crimson

 

                       And more CRIMSON

 

                       AND CRimSOn everYWhere   !

 

                      AAAGHdjdoandu HELPjdkdnsjsisbdudqwertyuiophduvnmkkkcucjcjcmnxjxjxjjvISOSMCJCUUM1911AISHxhcicjdusudunqim1972mksifucnwkwidkfndnwpenciliiwjmdfactorymdmWORJFJFJYUUFFemFemFemxbcuuwdjstjabngLilykeykeyjsgjgkeykeguitarsolofuzzpedalnoconcertcupcakescocainemaryjanelysergicaciddiethylamidebudweiserdaisiesiloveliliesanddaisiesiwanttoflyflyfly01001000 01000101        01001100 01010000   01001000 01000101 01001100 01010000         01001000 01000101 01001100 01010000    01001000 01000101 01001100 01100010    01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100                01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100     01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100      01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100    01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100      01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100

                     It was by chance that I was able to move my thumb for a centimeter, and I was more than thankful for it; my muscles were fully functional again as a result, and my eye contact with c r IM so n was lost. In the process, I fell to my knees again as I felt nearly all the energy within me was drained to scarceness… as if all I did was stand in one place and scream all day. 

 

                     Now there's my abdomen rumbling, my gastric acid alongside whatever contents my digestive tract contained going nuts. And up, up they went, with Mr. Bile coming along to not miss the ride. 

 

                     My throat was filled with putrid stuff. Gag reflex triggering. Next thing I knew, I was a statue at the center of a vomit fountain. For seven. Straight. Seconds. 

 

                     I wiped my mouth dry with a hand, the bitter bile still freshly lingering in my oral and nasal orifices. Not long after, I was sobbing again. Only this time, it was due to sheer terror.

 

                     My hands were still trembling from what I had just witnessed. What was--                     

 

                     "Charlie?"

 

                     It was Mom again. She's back. 

 

                    "You'd let your own mother hug you, wouldn't you, Charlie?"

 

                     All of a sudden, the lights returned for a whole second, before dying again. Returning again, then dying again. The flickering went on and on, going much faster and faster every second. At this point, I could partially see every corner of my room, including the damaged door, and my own puddle of puke.

 

                     "?Eilrahc, uoy guh I nac."

 

                     Her voice wasn't coming from outside my door anymore. 

 

                     A dark brown liquid dripped from above me.

 

                     So I looked up.

 

                     She was up on the ceiling, crawling like a gecko, her head unstable and shaking uncontrollably. We were face to face as well as eye-to-eye… or, rather, what remained of them, anyway. 

 

                     It was as if she was exhumed straight from her grave. 

 

                     Her skin was moist yet leathery and dark-brown in color, complemented by hundreds, if not thousands of irregular holes all over her body, with fat, veiny maggots popping out to wriggle around within each. A swarm of black flies seemed to have replaced all of her hair instead, an entire colony  flying around, nesting, burrowing, laying white, wet eggs through her skull into her brain. Once her head settled for a bit, I could clearly see the grotesque features through the flickering. Her eyes were a mere pair of empty sockets pocketing a pitch-black void. A perpetual grin was drawn on Mom's face, as the lip and cheeks had evidently rotted away, all thanks to all of the maggots residing in her body. Mom's lower legs were nothing but bones, and her hands jet-black in contrast. If her nose wasn't intact, I would never have recognized it was Mom herself. 

 

                     She (Youth) opened her (Open chord) mouth as it creaked, (Ukulele) her jaw threatening to fall off. Roses. Inside was the (Fame) same pitch black void (Acoustic) I could see in her (United) eye sockets… except (Los Angeles) at The center, I could see something… something...

 

                     Crimson.

 

                    ********************

 

                    "AAAAAHHHHH!"

 

                    I instinctively sat up on the bed. I was huffing and puffing. My heart rapidly raced, my entire body soaked in sweat, my back aching. Plus, I could've sworn I've wet my pants. Well, that's the thing about being old, you know? Weak sphincters and... among other things.

 

                    Wait. Bed?

 

                    I'm back in my bed? 

 

                    I scanned my surroundings. The door wasn't damaged in any shape or form, nor was there any mess found on the floor. And it's already 7:02 AM. It felt like forever and instantaneous simultaneously, for some reasons I cannot explain.

 

                    Abruptly, said door swung open, with Lily barging in wearing a face of worry. A face I'd never ever want her to have. 

 

                   "Gramps! What's wrong!"

 

                   I stared at the knob. "How did you manage to open the door?"

 

                   "Huh?" she said. "It wasn't locked, Gramps."

 

                   "Wait. It wasn't?" Oh, well. It's my ol' noggin fucking up again. 

 

                   "But anyway," she said. "Are you okay? I-I mean, what happened, Gramps?"

 

                   "Oh, it's… nothing, really, dear."

 

                   "You sure, Gramps? Or you probably just don't like me giving more attention to your well-being?"

                    

                   "No, it's nothing like that, dear. It's just… I just had a dream, that's all."

 

                   Lily raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Asking the obvious here, but, was it a nightmare, yes?”

 

                   "No, nothing like that," I said. "Just another bad dream."