The next morning found Eddie feeling uptight. He knew he'd see Mickie in church, and he just wasn't up to facing her. She and her dumb rock had taken his insides and scrambled them all up. And for some reason his mother had decided to get him extra dressed up - besides what he'd worn the previous week, she'd added a little blazer and a necktie. The view in the mirror made him suddenly remember what Mickie had said last week - "it's making me itch all over". It all felt so rough against his skin. He'd never liked his Sunday clothes, but after the previous day's brain flood, the discomfort had become downright oppressive.

By the time they'd taken their seats in a pew, he was practically crawling out of his skin. Not just from the clothes, but from the apprehension of seeing Mickie again. He was still upset with her, and swarming with confused feelings, but also guilty for running out on her angrily. It must have made her feel pretty bad, and as upset as he was, he never wanted to cause his friend any hurt. Now there was a rift between them, and he just wanted to rewind, back to the simple days of digging in the mud at Paradise.

Just as his mom started to play the first strains on the organ, in walked Mickie with her family. Once again she had on a dress, this one mostly white with yellow flowers on it. She was frowning, and her eyes were a little bit red. Had she been crying? Eddie had never witnessed her crying before. She caught his eye briefly and then swiftly looked away, her frown changing to a slightly more pained expression. They sat down, like last week, in a spot where Eddie could see them.

He tried not to look, but every so often he snuck a glance at her. Usually she was looking down, once or twice she noticed him looking and quickly turned away. He got that odd feeling again, but now he could identify it. He liked her dress. Not just on her though. He'd like it for his own. The realization filled him with shame. He imagined being in his room, trying it on, with his mom's wig, and his dad busting down the door, screaming. He closed his eyes and made a fist, and pressed his fingernails into his palm, trying to squish the unwanted desire into dust.

The service seemed to go on even longer than usual, but eventually it was done, and the parishioners did their lazy shuffle out of the church and into the yard, where small groups congregated and caught up on local goings on. Eddie was staring at the grass while his mother talked to a friend, when a hand grabbed his arm and started dragging him away. Startled, he staggered along, quickly realizing it was Mickie, leading him to a more private area of the churchyard.

"What are you doing?" He whispered when they were out of earshot.

"Eddie, I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have made you do that." She was looking away, unable to meet his eye.

"Oh..." he said in an uncertain voice. He wasn't expecting her to say that.

"We can call the whole thing off. It's... it isn't right. I shoulda never asked you. Or, I shoulda asked before giving you the...thing."

"Oh... So you don't wanna be a boy anymore?"

"No, I still do."

"Well, I guess we could probably find some other boy who wants to? I mean, I don't know who, but..."

"It's too late," she cut him off. "It wants you."

"Why do you keep on saying that? How can a rock want me?"

"Laura told me all about it. Once the talisman decides, you can't change who to pick."

"But what if I don't wanna be picked?"

"Well that's what I'm saying. You don't want to, so we're calling the whole thing off."

"But then...you're stuck being a girl?"

"Yeah, I 'spect so. I guess I'm used to it." She had that faraway look again.

There was an awkward silence. Eddie searched for something else to say. "Your dress is real pretty," he said, and immediately regretted it. Mickie's face went sour.

"I fought with my mom about it for an hour this morning. She's dead set on it. My dad too."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"I gotta go Eddie. See ya around." And she went off to join her parents and walked away with them.

Eddie spent the rest of the day in a daze. He should have felt relief - Mickie had let him off the hook. But relief wasn't what he felt. And if anyone had asked him what he did feel, he wouldn't have been able to articulate it. He felt bad about dashing Mickie's plans. Now that she'd said out loud she wanted to be a boy, he thought of her in a different way, like she was "unfinished" now, and needed to be set right. And he was now standing in the way of that.

But on some level he knew he was feeling bad for himself too. He couldn't stop the loop of memories and desires that the talisman had unearthed. But strangely, he didn't want to stop it. He wanted to dwell on it, somehow. Like he had to figure it out, make sense of it all. A path was being forged to some exotic land, and the longer he stayed put, the more restless he became.

+++++

Eddie sat in his back yard on Monday afternoon, his back leaning against the trunk of the oak tree. An AM transistor radio sat a couple feet away, tinny strains of Elton John's "Philadelphia Freedom" wafting through the air. With the front part of his mind, he was concentrating on whittling a piece of wood with his pocketknife. With the back part of his mind, he was constructing lists of pros and cons. He couldn't stop thinking about whether Mickie's proposal was really possible, and what it could mean if it was. His twelve year old brain was trying to grapple with how to weigh his true wishes against his reservations. He still struggled with even asking himself the question "do I want to be a girl", but when he did think about the cons, they were all based on fear. Fear of what his parents would think, what his friends would think. Fear of betraying the expectations imposed on him. Fear of being "a freak".

When he thought about the pros, there was a lightness that filled him. Forbidden thoughts he had squelched for so long were popping up, like a groundhog looking out of its hole after a long winter. He thought about brushing out long hair, watching in the mirror as it got silky and soft. He thought about skipping across a playground, skirt billowing in the breeze. Playing jump rope with the other girls. Picking pretty flowers. Being sweet and sensitive and polite, with no one thinking he's being a sissy.

The conversation he'd had with his father about football bubbled back up into his mind. It pained him momentarily, but then he had a sudden realization. If he was a girl, no one would expect it of him, they wouldn't even let him on the team. The feeling of relief that accompanied this thought was monumental. In a way it was ludicrous - that one would rearrange one's whole future merely to get out of going out for football. But more than any of the other thoughts, it brought a clarity. The reason he was dreading football so much - it was because it accentuated his maleness. It was something only boys did, and as such, it was like rubbing his face in it. It simultaneously confirmed that he was a boy, and that he failed at being a boy. And that filled him with misery.

It felt clearer now. But he was still terrified. It was time to talk with Mickie. He needed details.

He walked the three blocks over to her house and knocked on the front door. Her mother answered.

"Oh hi, Eddie, come on in." She turned toward the stairway and yelled. "Mickie! Eddie's here to see you!"

A couple minutes later Mickie appeared on the stairs. She approached Eddie tentatively.

"Hey Eddie, what's up?" She looked guarded.

"You wanna go to the park? We can climb Old Hickory maybe?"

"Umm, yeah, I guess so." She was clearly feeling uncomfortable around him. She cleared it with her mom and the two walked the block and a half to the park.

Old Hickory was the name for the tallest tree in the park. It probably wasn't even a hickory tree, but someone had given it that moniker long ago and that's what everyone called it. There was a spot about five branches up that had two convenient sitting spots, and Eddie and Mickie often climbed up there to have some privacy. They navigated the familiar route up the branches and settled in to their spots. They had not spoken since leaving the house.

"I feel weird around you now," Mickie finally said.

"I don't want that."

"Yeah."

"Mickie, if I did this trade with you, wouldn't my parents think it's screwy that I'm a girl all of a sudden?"

Mickie cocked her head toward him. "I thought you didn't wanna do it?"

"I don't know, I been thinking... I mean, it's kinda scary."

"Laura said everyone just thought she'd always been a girl. Her parents and everything."

"Really?"

"And there was other girls from her town at camp, they just acted normal with her, like nothing was different."

"Why do you think she told you about all this?"

"She could tell there was something about me. Since she'd been through it, she could kinda see it in me."

"So you mean, if we did this trade, everyone would just think it's normal that you're a boy? And that I'm a girl?"

"Yeah, that's what she said."

They sat there for awhile, silently watching two squirrels get into a fight on a nearby branch.

"Mickie?"

"Yeah Eddie?"

"I can't stop thinking about this thing. I think..."

"You think what?"

"I think... I wanna be a girl."

Eddie gripped the branch, afraid he might fall out of the tree. A dizziness had overtaken him. Just uttering those words out loud was so momentous, he felt completely disoriented.

"Whoa, you ok?" Mickie gasped.

"Yeah, I'm alright," Eddie assured her as he caught his balance.

"Are you really sure, Eddie? About the trade, I mean."

After catching his breath, he turned to her and smiled. "Yeah. I'm sure."

She beamed back at him. "Wow. I'm really gonna be a boy?"

"If this thing works."

"I'm sure it will. I'll get to play football!"

"And I won't have to play football!"

They looked at other and giggled.

In a few moments the giggles subsided and the weight of their decision started to sink in. Changing one's gender certainly wasn't something they taught in Home Ec or Wood Shop, and the unknowns awaiting them were pretty inconceivable, at least for Eddie.

"So how do we do this, Mickie? How's it gonna happen?"

"Laura told me the whole story. There's a bunch of weird stuff we gotta do. And she said it's gonna feel strange for awhile."

"Whaddaya mean, strange?"

"Well, it's like she was kinda in-between for a few days. Like, she was still a boy, but some things were going half girly around her."

"I don't get that."

"Yeah, she tried to tell me that part, but I didn't really get it either. She said we'll just figure it out as we go."

"Mickie."

"Yeah?"

"This Laura, did she... well, is she happy now?"

"Are you kidding? She couldn't stop smiling. Honestly it was kind of annoying sometimes. Sometimes she would just twirl around for no reason, like she was just bursting with joy."

Eddie smiled as he imagined twirling with joy. "I'd like to meet her someday" he said quietly.

"I imagine you will. And you'll have a lot to talk about."

"Well, what do we do next?"

"OK, the first thing is, we have to meet in the morning, and we have to exchange some piece of clothing, and then wear it all day."

"OK, that doesn't sound too hard."

"Well, except that you have to wear something of mine that only a girl would wear, and I have to wear something of yours that only a boy would wear."

"Whoa wait, how am I gonna walk around in girls' clothes all day? My dad will kill me!"

"Well I know the perfect thing. I know it's a little kooky, but if we swapped underwear, no one could see us wearing it. And girl's underwear is different from boy's underwear."

"Eww, you want me to wear your underwear?!"

"Well, you got any better ideas? I'd have to wear yours too, which is also pretty gross! Just make sure you put on clean ones right before we do it!"

"I guess so. When do we do this?"

"Might as well start tomorrow morning, right? Unless... you need more time to think about it?"

"Nope. I'm in."

"OK! Meet me tomorrow morning at 9 at Paradise. Seems like the right place to start this off. And wear clean undies!"