POV Hanae Nakano:

 

Since I can remember I have always held on to something special:

My grade averages.

I don't like being number 1 in all my classes, nor do I like being praised by teachers every time I get a good grade.

I was sticking with my grades as it was the only way for my parents to be aware of me.

I was born to a professorial couple married for convenience.

I don't know why arranged marriages still exist at this epoch, but that was the case with my parents.

Early on I realized that love was not one of our daily activities, my parents did not love each other and above all, they did not love me.

I understood this from a very young age, but there was still a time in my life when they saw me.

It was when they saw my grades.

My parents individually used to teach me about some school subjects, they were always very strict but at that time I thought it was for my good.

I never understood what made them so happy about a simple grade, with a more adult mind I could understand that this was a way for them to feel superior to each other.

If my mother taught me math and I passed my math test with the highest score, my mother would feel superior to my father.

If my father taught me literature and I was chosen to narrate a novel in a school project, my father felt superior to my mother.

It was a battle born of ridiculousness that kept a sad girl in the middle.

I grew up with this deeply ingrained mentality, after a lot of effort late hours to achieve results that my parents would like, I was finally able to turn my face and see the people who were next to me, but ... I couldn't find anyone

I tried so hard to please my parents that I never developed a relationship with the people around me, my classmates used to forget my presence, the friends that all young people are supposed to have did not exist, what to say about a couple, that it was impossible for me.

I felt empty.

My parents' fighting stopped when I started high school and their interest in me waned.

I finally ended up holding on to my grades dreaming that my parents would look at me again one day.

I was foolish…

While I was in high school, I used to go to the library to have a place where no one could distract me.

Or so I thought.

It was a day like any other that I saw a boy enter the library.

He was a boy with nothing that could stand out, the only thing I could notice was an aimless look similar to the one I could see every day in front of my mirror.

 

It's like me…

 

I thought.

The boy just sat in a corner of the library while taking out his cell phone and wasting time. It was a scene that contrasted with the one around him. In the library people were studying for the upcoming exams, some were completing homework that they had not finished, others only read a book of interest to him and he seemed peaceful wasting his time.

 

So annoying…

 

They were my thoughts.

Maybe I was jealous that someone could so vaguely waste his time.

I tried to ignore it and kept concentrating my gaze on my study materials… I followed my routine.

 

(- "Hey, what are you doing here?")

 

Or maybe that's what I'm trying to do, at the end of the day I got up from my seat approaching that boy while I spoke to him with a tone that could be taken as hostile.

 

(- "Eh? Who are you?")

 

The boy answered me with his vague look and a lazy tone when talking.

 

(- "You're in a library, if you don't have anything important to do here, you'd better go out.")

 

Perhaps enraged by his vague response, I decided to speak sharply with the boy in front of me.

 

(- "Okay ... I'm going to study, so I can stay here?")

 

(-Yes…)

 

The boy got up and moved to the table where I was, took his books and notebooks out of his backpack to start studying.

With nothing else to do, I headed off to do the same thing.

 

---

 

(- "Excuse me ...")

 

With the lazy tone that the boy already knew, he spoke to me again.

 

(-"What's going on?")

 

(- "I'm struggling with the math problems on page 124, could you help me, please?")

 

While making a gesture with his hands in a pleading manner, the boy asked me for help.

 

(- *Sigh* Ok…)

 

I approached and began to explain ...

Time passed and the boy kept asking me and I kept answering him. To be honest, it was fun to explain to the boy, he was a bit clueless but he quickly grasped the formulas and knew how to apply them in the equations.

After the sun just started hiding and the library announced its closure, the boy and I started putting away our school supplies.

 

(-"Hey")

 

Before I left the library, the boy I had been helping a few minutes ago spoke to me.

 

(-"What's happening?")

 

(- "I just wanted to thank you, you are very smart and you made me the equations easier hahaha, thank you very much")

 

The boy said innocently even while he kept his gaze vague.

But…

I could see for the first time a smile on that lazy face ...

And I just could only say ... that he looked great.

 

(- "Y-You're welcome, see you later")

 

---

 

Days went by and that boy and I used to meet in the same place.

Neither of us knew our respective names.

But we still exchanged a few words while we were both immersed in our books.

 

(- "Hey, why do you study so much?")

 

(- "I need to study to enter the company I want")

 

The company I want to join is very well positioned and had already investigated the positions I could apply for.

By now I had a large part of my life planned.

After answering the boy still stood there.

It took a few minutes for him to speak again.

 

(- "Haha, I think I would like to have a similar goal")

 

It was the only thing that that boy answered, I could see in his eyes that he was not trying to force a conversation, his words were totally honest ...

For the first time, I could feel that he was talking to someone.

 

---

 

Over time that boy ended up gaining my trust and I told him about my parents' problems.

At first, he seemed not to know what to say to me but in the end, he only said one sentence.

 

(- "You are amazing for always doing your best....")

 

It was no different from the simple compliments my teachers used to give me when I was a little girl.

 

(- "...but it's time for you to stop doing everything for your parents and enjoy your life.")

 

It was not something special, that phrase had no feelings beyond a simple empathy, but ... they really reached me.

But maybe I just wanted to hold onto something else.

To something that could fill me ...

But life is not so accommodating ...

That boy moved suddenly, I never knew his name, I didn't know anything about him.

Although I mark so much of my life.

I grew up thinking about him, imagining his voice, his face, his hands.

Hoping to see him again.

7 years passed.

7 lonely years.

I never saw him again.

I finished high school, the university was such an ephemeral stage that I don't even have relevant memories of that time.

For a moment I thought that maybe the boy could have changed in all this time, that if I were to meet him again he would not even be the same as I once knew.

 

Painful.

 

Is this life the best I can hope for?

I started working at the company I ever talked to that boy about.

Although there was not that joy that I expected.

As usual…

But…

On the first day, everything changed.

 

(- "Okay, to start with, I need you to introduce yourself, Ishida-kun, please start")

 

We were all in a meeting room, while our Senpai asked us to introduce ourselves.

He started with a man by the name of Ishida.

I turned my face monotonously.

And I could see it.

 

(- "Kazuya Ishida, I am 24 years old, graduated from XXX university, it is a pleasure to work with you.")

 

The man who spoke seemed familiar somehow.

In it, I could see the shadow of that boy who once spoke to me in the library.

Although his body had matured his presence was the same.

His eyes seemed more cheerful.

His hair seemed better groomed.

... and in his hand, you could see a beautiful ring that seemed to culminate all my hopes.

 

It is logical

 

It is entirely reasonable that after so much time has passed he has found a couple, a marriage can be a bit rushed, but meeting him was probably something he wanted.

I don't know what I expected when I saw him again.

We never had such a special relationship, to begin with.

 

Why did I wait so long?

 

I don't remember anything. What did I hold on to for so long?

...

Months passed and I managed to interact a bit with him.

As I thought, he was still the same, and because he feared me, he no longer remembers me. Although we never knew our name, I had the illusion that he might also recognize me.

 

Dumb…

 

Even though I knew that my life with him was impossible, I remained his friend. Being by his side as a coworker and friend were the best I could hope for.

Or so I wanted to believe ...

I got the news.

He had had an accident, his wife lost her life.

I really felt scared that he was deeply hurt but it seemed not to be the case.

When I leave the hospital I supported him as much as I could.

Even as the years passed he didn't seem to want to forget about his wife. And I wanted to continue being his friend.

 

Lie

 

Something inside of me was not satisfied, but I silenced it.

But not for long.

 

(- "I don't want to sound rude, but I think it could be time to have a girlfriend again...")

 

Those words were intended to change our relationship.