While Lilliana Beckett was taking it easy at the territory, something grave was happening far off the north.
Current location: 【Navesvichl】
Home of the snow people (Yuki onna/otoko)
*takatakatak!* (Rifle shooting)
*zzzt!* (Megaphone on)
“Everyone Calm down and evacuate calmly”
*zzzt!* (Megaphone off)
*piiiiiii pooooooo* (Siren noises)
“Retreat!! The commander died!! He was killed!! The negotiations broke!!”
“Kyaa!”
“Run!!”
“Don't push me!!”
*Chaos noises*
“Mom are we gonna be okay?”
The little girl asked her parents, she, who was just eleven years old was concerned, even she knew something was wrong because of the surrounding noises and chaos, different from what a normal life would be in Babilis
“Yes my daughter, you will be okay so just follow sir lester and be a good girl”
Her mom said that as she holds her hand dearly, however, that did not help at all, because instead of feeling the warmth of her mother's hand, instead she felt cold, as if her mother was nervous about something
“Yes mom”
Knowing that the situation was not okay at all, she just obediently nodded as to not be a burden to her family
“Madam they are here!”
One of their servant shouted as he slammed the door shut, terror was clearly visible in his eyes, as he used his body to reinforce the door, accepting his unavoidable faith
“Gruaaaaargh!!”
But that attempt was of no use, as the door was busted immediately, flinging the servants on air and falling into the ground
“Lester go now!!”
Fear can be seen in the madam's eyes as she stood up, she wanted to run away but she can't, it's the parents duty to protect their child, her love for her daughter was more powerful than her fear of death.
“My lady let's go now!”
Lester grabbed ahold of the little girl tightly and led her to the secret passage
“I'm your target right?! Come and get me!!!”
The madam's voice became weaker and weaker as time passes
The little girl wanted to say goodbye but she can't, everything was going on too fast, she was clueless of what's happening, not knowing that this will be the last time she will see her beloved mother
“Here my lady we finally got away, don't worry too much I'm sure the madam will be safe–”
“Hey lying to the kid is bad you know?”
Lester tried to assure the little girl but he was interrupted before even finishing
“Who?!”
Above, It was a boy in his early teens maybe 14 or 15, with a snowy white skin and a snowy white hair just like snow people, but he's not one of them, it's evident because of his large black wings and instead of a freezing blue eyes which majority of the snow people have, this guy has a blood red eyes
“Ahh that tunnel was such a pain in the ass!! I can't get inside that thing because of my wings!! luckily the exit was easy to find, so I just waited here!!”
The guy shouted what he did, as if wanting to be praised for his behavior
“Anyways what was I talking about again? Ahh! It's bad to lie in front of the children you know?”
The flying boy said using a tryhard pouty uwu voice, that honestly sounds bad
“What are you saying? My mom is the strongest snow mage of all she won't be defeated...!”
The child then shouted at the boy denying his claims
“What's this then?”
In response the boy showed his left hand that was in his back since he appeared
“...!”
In his hand was the lifeless head of the strongest Ice mage, the madam, and the little kid's mother
“M-mom!!!!!!!!!”
“Madam...”
The kid and her butler's face was filled with despair as their tears trickle down their faces– nay the tear froze before trickling down
“Yes... That face!! Show me more of that!! Show me your despair!! Ahahaha!!! Ahahahahahaha!!!”
—
Author: Don't forget that this is a tragic novel (Yepp me the author somehow forgot about that)
Notes:
Babilis was formerly known as Navisvchl
This event was not supposed to happen this soon
Navisvchl was in the north of the empire
If this is a tragic novel, you really should stick the tragedy tag on there otherwise the current genre tags (at least some of them) feel like bait.
Poor kid, this demon is bad
Am I overusing 『,』?
Commas? No. You do overuse ellipses (...) though. You also need to add more periods.
@ARedFox oooh okayy thanks for the feedback
I'm using the ellipses to put some emotions or something in there though (I don't know what it's called exactly)
@zelotwo02 That's fine, and most chapters are fine, but some need less. Like chapter 2. Try to replace some with other forms of punctuation or reformat the sentence so it doesn't need them. I'm somewhat okay with ellipses when it's characters speaking during certain moods, like in her apology to her parents, but narration and general speech shouldn't have as many unless it is one specific character doing it as a trait.
For this chapter, it looks almost fine. The only one I would change is the "Yes...". To me that reads more like he is pausing after saying yes casually and then suddenly getting all excited after a second or two. I feel it should be "Yes!!!". The "yes" should show his enthusiasm and excitement as well. Because of how "Yes" is said in circumstances like this, people will naturally pause here regardless of commas or ellipses, so they aren't needed. Although you could argue for keeping the ellipses, I will say that there is also a pause after "That face!!" and you don't use ellipses there.
Honestly, this is just me being kinda nitpicky. Also, if you want to write in romance while keeping it tragic, you could have her fall/crush for someone who dies, is secretly evil and will betray her after their first date, someone who won't like her back, or someone refuses to be around her after she gets a scar or something. There are lots of possibilities. You could also have her swing both ways to open up more possibilities. If you have read the story beneath the dragoneye moons, you know what I am getting at.