Sleep did not come easy that night. More accurately, it did not come at all for Yu as he lied on his back and stared sleeplessly through the forest canopy at the dark sky. There was not a star to be seen, for they had hidden behind the dense clouds that blanketed the heavens above.
How many nights had it been since he had awoken without his memories? Yu had long lost count of it. He only knew that he wanted to leave the forest-- immediately-- if possible. The views in the forest had become monotonous to him, not to mention that he had almost lost his life countless times in this maze of trees.
The dying embers snapped, barely illuminating the outline of the tree branches, making them look like gnarled limbs that reached out to capture him. This image reminded him of the twisted lianas and the bog that reeked of death. Fortunately, they had moved a distance from the bog for the night. Yu took a deep breath and was glad that the air was clear.
Yu sighed and closed his eyes, attempting to sleep. However, images of the strung up children flashed in his mind. Their pale, lifeless faces leaped at him. He snapped his eyes open and gasped. The gnarled limbs above met his vision yet again.
'Damn it,' he cursed as he held his hand to his head.
Then, deep, rhythmic breaths of the others entered his ears. Yu thought absent-mindedly about how they were able to sleep so soundly-- carelessly even.
'Right, Cenric had an artifact that acts something like a [Protection] magic,' Yu recalled. He sat up and gazed over the others. It seemed like they were all fast asleep, with the exception of Elise and the injured girl from before who were unconscious.
"Can't sleep?" A gruff voice interrupted Yu's thoughts.
Yu was surprised but quickly recovered. He turned around to see Edward's faint outline on the ground.
"You too."
Edward chuckled. "What's on your mind?"
Yu sighed. A flurry of uncountable thoughts swept through his mind. A long pause followed as he tried to organize his thoughts.
"Various things," Yu frowned. He only managed two words after such deliberation.
Edward grunted and was silent while he waited for Yu to continue. Silence accompanied them as they stared into the starless sky. Despite how long Edward waited, Yu was silent.
Edward sighed. "You should try to sleep. We still have a long way to travel tomorrow," he said as he closed his eyes.
It was not long before Edward opened his eyes again. The boy had not moved.
"Tell me what's bothering you. Perhaps it'll clear your mind and help you sleep," Edward suggested as he shifted to a more comfortable position.
Yu hesitated but decided against talking. "It's alright. I'm sorry for disturbing you," he lied back down and turned his back towards the older man.
Edward frowned. "Boy, it'll do you no good to bottle up your feelings. Tell me."
Another beat of silence passed. Yu was not sure how to start. Too many thoughts weighed on his mind.
"I…" he trailed.
"Just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind," Edward prompted. He seemed to understand Yu's problem.
"I wonder how they're sleeping so well," Yu finally said. It was a rhetorical question. Instead of addressing his real concerns, he deflected them instead. It was evident from his level voice that he did not really care about the sleeping habits of the others.
Edward chuckled but some saliva got caught in his throat. A coughing fit rang through the otherwise silent night. He gasped and it sounded like he would cough his lungs out.
"Are you alright?" Yu shot up. His hand accidentally brushed against Edward's-- it was icy. Yu pulled his hand back reflexively in shock.
"You're cold," his deadpan voice betrayed the concern that he felt.
"I'm fine," Edward managed a coarse reply. He cleared his throat and pulled his hand away.
Yu frowned. He knew that Edward was hiding something, not to say lying. Recognition flashed in his eyes as he recalled that Elise was just as cold before. He grabbed Edward's arm willfully and waited for the tingling sensation that he felt in the afternoon to come.
However, he felt nothing except for Edward's icy arm. He was puzzled.
'Why isn't it happening now?'
Yu closed his eyes and tried to recall the sensations from when he linked hands with Elise. He frowned. There was none.
Another cold hand held his own and gently pushed it away.
"I told you that it only works with Elise," Edward said quietly.
Yu frowned. "I don't understand."
He recalled the incident from the afternoon. Elise had had a sudden attack of some kind. She was as pale as a sheet and had difficulty breathing. Her icy skin had left an impression on Yu.
When that happened, he instinctively held her hand. That was when the tingling sensations on his skin started. As he held her hand, his hand gradually numbed and Elise's condition changed for the better.
Since then, he was told that Elise had suffered from a case of over-drafting of magic energy. This happens when a mage does not have enough magic energy to sustain a spell. The side effects range from slight dizziness to shortness of breath and eventual death.
Yu managed to somehow transfer some of his magic energy to Elise, thus relieving her from her overdraft. If he had succeeded with Elise, why not with Edward as well?
"Why?" Yu asked again.
"Our magic energies don't resonate with each other," came Edward's curt reply.
Yu frowned. The answer did not satisfy him.
Edward seemed to feel his frustration and explained, "Magic energy is closely related to each person's unique life force. That's why latent magic energies within each person are unique.
He paused and frowned before continuing, "That's what we know anyway. What happened today was nothing short of a miracle."
Yu worked his jaw. He could not accept Edward's answer. A miracle? Nevermind that, but latent magic energy exists in everyone and is unique from one to another, yet why did his and Elise's resonate? Were their signatures the same? Yu felt that it should not be the case.
If the first statement was absolute, then it was impossible for their energies to resonate.
"This doesn't make sense," Yu mumbled.
"What doesn't?"
"If I'm able to resonate with Elise, I should be able to do the same with you."
Edward smiled. "You're half right. Experienced mages are able to manipulate their own energies to match others. This way, they can achieve resonance with anyone. It's one of the common practices to heal someone using resonance."
Yu snapped up in attention.
'A mage?' He snatched that small detail like a starving beast and came to a hypothesis. He did not wait to test his guess and grabbed Edward's arm once more.
'Manipulate my own magic energy…' Yu frowned as he tried to think of a way to manipulate magic. 'That tingling sensation… Where is it?'
Once again, Edward's icy hand rested on Yu's-- stopping him mid-way.
"You can't. You're not a mage," came Edward's short and straightforward statement.
Yu felt a blow to his self-esteem, yet he did not know why. Yu swallowed down his frustration but did not concede. Instead, he probed, "You could at least guide me. Like what you did with Elise."
Edward's dry laughter rang in fits and starts, interlaced with coughs and gasps. Yu frowned and shifted his body subconsciously. He did not think that he said anything funny.
'... and you really shouldn't be laughing in your condition,' Yu narrowed his eyes and thought.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you," Edward gasped, finally catching his breath. "It's just… you kids are so willful. Did Elise rub off some of her stubbornness onto you?"
Yu pursed his lips and ignored the older man's comment.
"Well?" he prompted, expecting Edward to explain himself.
"Hmm?" Edward did not catch his drift.
"What do you mean by 'You can't'?" Yu grumbled. Annoyance from his already present frustration arose.
Edward grinned. "Oh, you do have an attitude despite being quiet for most of the time," he teased.
Yu scowled. "Stop," he growled.
The older man chuckled once more. It seemed that he enjoyed teasing the children.
"I don't mean ill. It's great that you can hold your ground. I was worried that you might be a pushover with your silence. Remember this next time whenever you doubt yourself," Edward explained with a smile.
'Doubt myself? Since when?' Yu was confused. 'What is he talking about?'
Edward chuckled once again at the silence. Yu was beginning to despise the older man's signature chuckle.
"What?" he asked, exasperated.
"Were you not doubting yourself earlier?"
"No."
"You did."
"Not."
Edward broke into another smile. "You were thinking too much."
Yu frowned. His eyebrows were almost touching his eyes. Edward would burst into another bout of laughter-coughing if he saw the boy's face.
'How do they relate?' he huffed. He could not understand the direction of the conversation. It had derailed with no hope of being back on track.
Yu shook his head. "You're not making sense."
Edward sighed and explained, "You were overthinking because you doubt yourself. You can't even answer me. I asked you about what's bothering you, but you avoided my question."
Edward's accurate guess caught Yu off guard. "I was just… uhh… There were…" his voice trailed.
'… a lot of things in my mind that I didn't know how to start,' he completed his statement in his head. His mouth, however, was frozen.
"There, you see now? You're worried that what you say might cause unwanted problems. You doubt your own words. But it's alright, we can work the problems out." Edward explained.
'Do I… really?' Yu thought. He did not quite agree with Edward. He felt that he just did not know where to start.
"You can trust me," Edward said after another beat of silence, his voice low and sincere.
'Trust…?'
Yu looked towards where Edward's face should be. The lack of light made it hard for him to gauge the older man's expression. He licked his dry lips and pursed them as he thought about the latter's statement.
"I… trust you… already," Yu started and paused, reorganizing his words in his head. "My life… you saved it. So, I trust you."
'Yes,' he thought. If he had not trusted Edward, he would not have told Edward about his dreams. In fact, Edward was the only person that he could trust. Compared to the others, Yu was most expressive when he talks to Edward. He did not hold back his facial expressions and body language consciously. In other words, he was most relaxed in Edward's company.
Still, Edward asked Yu to trust him. Was the trust not deep enough?
Silence engulfed them again. It seemed that Edward was in deep thought. Yu shifted his weight subconsciously as he waited for the older man. Then, realization dawned on him. Was Edward teasing him on purpose to teach him a lesson? Yu shook his head. He could not see through this man.
Edward exhaled. “It’s okay if you don’t understand.”
Yu’s eyes widened. He really did not understand the purpose of this conversation. He wanted answers, not some soul searching puzzle about "trust".
"Just keep that in mind and try to trust yourself more often too," Edward smiled gently in the darkness.
Yu blinked silently, digesting his thoughts.
"Well, we should get back on topic. Hmm, where were we?" Edward thought aloud. "Ah… we were saying why you can't be a mage."
"Yes…" Yu nodded glumly. He was not sure if he wanted to continue the conversation.
"To be honest, I withheld some information about when we first found you," Edward started, his tone apologetic.
Yu turned his full attention once more.
"In addition to all of your physical injuries, you were hurt by magic too. I used magic resonance to heal you."
Yu gulped. The extra information did not help but raised more questions instead.
"During resonance, I felt that your body lacked an important factor in mages. It's the ability to collect magic energy from the surroundings," Edward sighed.
"How would you know that?" Yu asked in disbelief.
"It takes a mage to know another," Edward said simply.
"So you just know it?" Yu frowned skeptically. The simple answer was not enough.
Edward shrugged. "You lack the blessings of a deity. Humans, by default, can't manipulate magic energy. They need the blessings of deities to do so."
"Blessings?"
Edward pursed his lips. "It's faith. You need to have faith. In addition, your livelihood has to be in accordance with the principles of the deity. In return, the deity bestows part of its strength to the mage to manipulate magic energy."
Yu was silent as took in the new information. However, his heart felt unsettled.
'Not having faith forfeits the right of a person to be a mage?' the whole idea seemed absurd in Yu's mind.
"Why?" he managed only to utter a word and held his head in between his hands.
"Then… this… this doesn't make sense," Yu shook his head. He wanted to believe Edward's words, but he felt that they were wrong.
'It's happening again...' he thought.
The weird gut feeling he that he sometimes had throughout the journey interfered with his logical mind. It was an uncanny feeling like he knew what he had to do or that he understood something-- yet, he did not fully understand the reason for it. Like a reflection in water-- whole when left alone, yet disappears when one attempts to hold it.
Conflicted thoughts clouded his mind as they whizzed one after another in his head. One thought would surface before the former coalesced. It was too quick for his conscious mind to keep track of. In addition, they were each screaming for his attention. He could not even hear himself think-- they were deafening.
"Stop!" he growled under his breath and shook his head furiously.
'Stop, stop, STOP!' his mind screamed as he covered his ears to block the sound from within. He wanted the voices of doubt to stop. He wanted to believe Edward's truth.
After waking up without his memories, he had been absorbing all the information around him like a sponge. To him, Edward, the father figure's words were absolute. He was the lost lamb while Edward was the guiding shepherd.
Yet, his gut refused to follow the guide. His mind, however, wanted to trust Edward.
'Is this what he meant by not trusting? I need trust?'
Yu's mind spiraled into confusion. Just then, Edward's ice-cold hand jolted him back to reality with a tap.
"Hey, you alright?"
Yu recoiled from the touch, panting.
"I..." his voice trailed. A constricting pain threatened to weigh down on his head.
"Overthinking? Too many thoughts on your mind?" Edward asked casually.
Yu nodded his head. He could not deny it. Edward was right this time around.
The older man eyed the boy. His gaze seemed to penetrate the darkness. "Do you want to continue this conversation?" he asked with caution.
"I… I want answers," Yu whispered.
He could not go on like this. He wanted the confusion to go away. Too many things had happened. Too many things that he did not understand.
"I need answers. I… c-can't go on like this. I want… need… it has to stop, to go away. It hurts… hurts so much…" Yu muttered through clenched teeth. A searing pain burned through his head.
The dam had finally broken. His dammed up thoughts flushed through the broken barriers like roaring rapids that shook his body.
'I don't know what's going on. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know myself! All of a sudden, without thinking, I took the sword.. and… and-and killed someone! I don't even know what to feel! Now you're telling me that I'm not a mage.. but why… how did I resonate with Elise? How can I use the sword so well? You said that it's a miracle… but I need to know… Why? Why is this happening? Why can't I remember? I want to know… but I don't know…
I don't know anything anymore…'
The torrent of thoughts shook his body as he sat curled up like a ball with his head in his hands. To the outside world, he was like a lost and frightened child.
Edward watched Yu in silence as he waited for the boy to sort out his feelings. Yu's current state was worlds apart when he first woke up without his memories. One would recall the abnormal stillness in his eyes and voice when he first realized that he had lost his memories.
The past few days of life-threatening events that stacked one after another did not allow time for him to properly process his thoughts and feelings. Now under Edward's prompts, only did he have a chance to deal head-on with his pent-up emotions.
Time passed and Yu's emotions eventually settled down. Despite the outburst, he did not utter a single syllable nor shed a single tear. He merely suffered in silence.
"You don't need all the answers," Edward whispered.
Yu listened in silence, unmoving.
"The world is vast and knowledge is in abundance. Mysteries shroud many parts of the world. We are simply nothing but a speck in it. So, knowing the answers to every puzzle is nigh impossible."
Yu nodded half-heartedly. He was too tired to refute, let alone, think.
Edward sighed before he continued, "Searching for answers is a good thing, like what our forefathers had constantly done over the centuries. But did the answers that they seek appear immediately whenever they want them? Of course not. They take time, and time is what you need right now. Not answers."
Yu frowned. The urge to know the answers was slowly killing his sanity. If he were to let time take its course, would it not kill his sanity entirely?
"You want answers to your past. You are frustrated because you can't remember your identity-- your sense of self. I understand that, I really do. But I want you to think of it in a different way," Edward explained and paused to catch Yu's attention.
The boy raised his head from his knees and faced Edward. He did not expect anything and was merely being polite to the older man.
"I want you to try to think more about the present and the future. Use your actions to create your identity. Instead of asking 'Why am I doing this' every time something unexplainable happpens, say 'I'm doing this because I can'. Accept whatever that you're doing as part of who you are. After all, your past does not define who you really are."
Yu stared into nothingness silently, processing Edward's words. They were a mouthful.
‘Your past does not define who you are…’ this phrase repeated in his mind.
“Your memories will return eventually. In the meantime, just continue to survive. Our goal is to reach a safe place. Focus on that for now and I'm sure that we can sort everything out afterward," Edward smiled in the darkness.
Yu nodded sullenly. Emotional fatigue crippled his mind. He listened half-heartedly. However, Edward was right. He will sort things out later.
Realizing that Yu was tired, Edward urged the boy to sleep.
"We'll have a long journey tomorrow. I'm sure that the knights will brief us more on that," he said as he shifted to a comfortable position.
Silence blanketed them once more after Yu lied down and gazed at the dark sky once more. He did not know what to think but at least his mind was not as active as before.
Edward's sudden coughing interrupted the silence.
"Will you be fine?" Yu asked.
"… I'll manage," came Edward's coarse reply.
"Will Elise be fine?" Yu suddenly thought of Elise.
"She should wake up tomorrow just fine."
With that, Yu finally his eyes and finally let sleep cover his consciousness.
