{That which is not dead may eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death my die}

this is a quote attributed to Howard Phillip Lovecraft, author of Call of Cthulhu, Shadow Over Innsmouth, The Dunwich Horror, The Mountains of Madness, and the other books which became the spinal cord of the Cthulhu Mythos. This is a quote I have thought of a lot, and I seem to have come to this conclusion: I will never reach a conclusion. When i tried to come up with one all i could do is find ways to colorfully reword it. I really dont know where i was going with this, but for some reason i decided to type it

Niccolo Machiavelli, a rather famous...political theorist? i believe that is the term. anyway, he had three very interesting quotes in his controversial manuscript "The Prince" regarding Love and Fear, they are

{And here comes in the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both; but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.}

{Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved}

{it is much safer to be feared than loved because ...love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage; but fear preserves you by a dread of punishment which never fails.}

Now, after reading this, i believe it is very evident why he was a very controversial character, after all, he has repeatedly stated that being feared is objectively better than being loved, and if we look throughout history, that has proven itself over and over and over. In Nazi Germany people were turning in loved ones, neighbors, and other people who they "loved", because they feared the gestapo and the power of the NSDAP. Look at Soviet Russia, the exact same thing happened over there, the only differences being effective length of time and the names. Same thing with Mao Zedong's china, and its still happening today. These are only the more modern examples, but uncountable similarities can be found in the middle ages, primitive ages, and even the industrial revolution era. Objectively and logically speaking, being feared is always better than being loved, but, we, as as a species, refuse to acknowledge this because of two things, emotions, and morals. 

The emotional side of humans want to be loved, no one wants to be feared except the more...mentally unstable members of society. we know that because being loved is a positive, happy, fuzzy feeling, and being feared is a path of loneliness, sadness, and hate. However, what if there was an individual, who, for as long as he could remember, could not feel the warmth of love from his parents, his peers, and others around him? He treaded the path of loneliness, sadness, and hate without even desiring to be feared. and then one day, he did find someone from whom he could feel love, and that someone consummated, and furthered their love, and eventually wouldve had a child. but then, one day, he found out the child would become stillborn because of the loved ones drug usage, and the loved one killed themselves the same day? The one source of love that this man could feel, had passed. and not peacefully, it was violently ripped away like a hurricane. He now knew what love felt like, and he retreated back to his path of loneliness, but now, he knew what was missing, and it hurt that much more.

This man, who now scorned both the world and God himself, would he learn to love again, and cast aside this lonely path? or would he continue down this path, more steadfast in it, recognizing that his desire was to see the world feel the same suffering he did, and cast God down from the heavens? Maybe one day, he would learn to love, but for now, this man follows the path of self destruction. He has his one desire, to burn the world to ashes and cause wanton terror and suffering, and currently is willing to cast aside even his life to achieve his ambition, for his life is the one thing he has left.

18, homeless, jobless, highschool dropout, dirt under his nails and covering his skin so much they change his skin tone. he sleeps under a bridge during the day, and at night he comes to a local homeless shelter to write his books, watch anime, read books and manga, watch youtube, eat, and other things. Everyday is a struggle. He cant sleep without the help of alcohol, he cant socialize with anyone while sober because his true personality would slip out and cause trouble. taking an acid tab every single day just so he can appear and socialize like a normal human being. he doesnt know how to cook, pay taxes, get legal documentation, get to doctors, or anything. Everytime he sees someone holding hands or kissing he gets envious, everytime he sees a mother holding her child he gets jealous, everytime he sees people able to just get on with their lives like they have no troubles he gets angry, everytime he sees someone who is better off than him he gets filled with hate. his life is filled with hate, pain, and sadness. he who once knew love no longer knows how to function without it, and has reverted to his old ways, but is even more full of negativity. He has long since lost his motivation, he has to force himself to eat once a day so he at least doesnt starve, for he does not have motivation to eat. he only showers when it is unbearable for he doesnt have the will to clean. as much as he has these ambitions of making others suffer, he has no motivation to even keep on living. the only thing he has motivation for is to keep himself occupied, because when hes not, the voices get louder, and his mind tears itself apart, viscerally, limb from limb. screams that were once whispers ring in his head, no one hearing it but him. over a dozen disembodied eerie screams are heard, demanding to kill, rape, steal, burn, mutilate, bite, claw, rip, tear, shatter, and break.

he sits at a computer in the shelter, writing a chapter on a website designed to help authors put their work out there. he has one other book hes been writing, but no matter how much he tries he just cant think of a way to progress the story, and hes written draft after draft after draft to no avail. hes been awake since 3pm, sleeping for 15 hours because the day before he was awake for 30 odd hours, and now its 8 Am. hes tired, but his body wont let him sleep. he had the idea to write a soliloquy while reading "The Kings Avatar" webnovel after reading the word and remembering its meaning while listening to a song called Alone, by Dethtech. After reading the volume of How A Realist Hero Rebuilt A Kingdom where the MC married everyone, he got super depressed and decided on writing, but alas at the time the internet was out and couldnt read it. he left to try to go to sleep under the bridge while reading The Kings Avatar but couldnt. He after a while he thought if he watched some hentai and jacked off he could fall asleep then, but the tent he was in was too hot so after doing the business he left and came to the shelter. hes currently writing the soliloquy still listening to Alone and wondering why the fuck he's even writing this. 

 perhaps one day he will know, but for now, he is tired of writing, so he will sign off, and figure out something to do in the meantime. Maybe Machinelord will have a new chapter up and he could read it. he will soon find out.