Day 1

You eventually managed to fall asleep, but your sleep was fitful and punctuated by dreams of porn, including the video you were fapping to yesterday, and dreams about fapping. 

You almost did it several times in the night, and once you swear you almost did it in your sleep.

You’re in deep. Yet somehow you didn’t do it in the night. Maybe it was because you’d had enough the day before. Maybe it was because the shame had reached such a fever pitch that you couldn’t let yourself do it again. Maybe it was because you prayed to God briefly for help and liberation in the night for some reason. Maybe it was out of sheer stubbornness. Who knows. In any case, you didn’t do it.

So when you wake up and open your eyes, another notification box is waiting for you.

Once you’ve read the notification, it disappears and the status box from yesterday comes up again, with some differences. 

Once you’ve read this, it shrinks, but it is still there in the corner of your vision. Focusing on it and willing it to enlarge can call it to the front of your vision, but after you test this a few times you leave it to one side. You know your stats for today. They’re pretty straightforward. 

Another new notification box pops up.

You blink as the notification disappers. That makes sense. Deep down you know that this is something you need to do. After all, your addiction came to you through the internet. It was through the internet that you discovered porn, and it’s through the internet that you get your access to it, alone, in secret, in the dark, where you can fap to it.

You remember something you heard read out of the Bible once at your Christian school: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’, but I say to you, anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away...for it is better to go through life maimed than enter hell with your whole body intact.” (Matthew 5).

You are not sure what you think of Christianity these days, but you see the principle, and you think it makes sense: Presumably Jesus was not actually encouraging people to cut off parts of their body (although you remember a teacher telling you that some ancient Christians did interpret it in this way, and even cut off their penises to avoid sinning), but rather saying to do what you need to do to get rid of the easy opportunities of acting out your unhealthy behaviour.

[Incidentally, it also occurs to you that although there is no mainline unfiied Christian religious position on masturbation, there might as well be, from this passage. Supposedly the Bible ‘never mentions’ masturbation, but why does Jesus mention cutting off your hand if it causes you to sin right after talking about looking lustfully at women? You remember a boy at school nudging his neighbour when this passage was read out, gesturing with his hand, and them both laughing. You wonder why you haven’t heard anyone else point out this connection before.]

So you start amputating. You know that if you are going to stop using porn, you need to get rid of your easy access to porn. You start getting rid of your access to porn, while you still can, while this brief surge of regret for your behaviour yesterday and resolution to be different lasts.

You ask yourself, how much do you really need the internet? What do you need it for? Do you have to go on it in private, or can you arrange things so that you can only go on it in public places? Is there blocker software that you can install that is extremely difficult to get around? Do you need all of your personal internet-accessing devices completely?

You do whatever it takes. You delete, burn and throw out all the terrabytes and terrabytes of porn you have amassed. You install a cloud-based filter on your laptop. You install accountability and blocker software, like CovenantEyes or similar. You install an internet timeout program like ColdTurkey or similar. You remove your home internet connection and will only go on it at the library. You put the same programs on your smartphone. You delete the browser on your smartphone and get a friend to set the password to the appstore so you can’t redownload it. (You keep RoyalRoad obviously so you continue reading this excellent NOFAP litrpg you’ve recently started on it.) You get rid of your smartphone entirely and get a dumbphone. You take your Kindle to a computer repair shop to get its wifi chip removed. 

Another notification box appears.

It’s a start. Will this be a day when you stay away from pornography and masturbation?

You go and get dressed, then go to the bathroom to brush your teeth. Looking in the mirror you see a sallow, worn-out person with dark rings under their eyes that you don’t want to be.

BAM!

You are hit by a huge craving to go and somehow find a way to look at pornography to medicate your negative feelings.

You select ‘FIGHT’. [Really stupid.]

[Author’s note: In this litrpg, most combat happens through cognitive behavioural therapy.]

You select ‘RUN AWAY’

Counter-behaviour: (Internal and external) Get on with doing something else while craving is in background.

You walk away from the mirror and go and get on with your day.