Warning: Bullying, partial violence, swearing and depictions of depression and suicide

 

The referee’s whistle blew, signalling the end of the game and the auditorium erupted into cheers. Erick came out of his stupor and high-fived the guys sitting around him, smiling. It had been an intense game and now his school’s team was in the finals.

But Erick wasn’t really watching the game. He’d been a little too preoccupied with the biceps of the player who was playing centre. And when the shooting guard from the opposing team ran forward to score, Erick couldn’t help admire his firm legs. Even now, he sat and waited for everyone to leave while he continued to watch the team members who were exchanging greetings with one another; lifting their jerseys to wipe their sweat...

“There’s something wrong with me…”

He muttered under his breath as he finally got up and left. Amidst the chatter and laughter of all the students around him, Erick was stifled. This wasn’t the first time that he paid more attention to the sweaty, panting players than on the game.

If anyone were to ask him what he thought about the match, Erick would be hard pressed to answer. His thoughts in turmoil, he walked unseeingly through the crowd of schoolmates before the sounds of cheers and good natured heckling brought him back.

He looked up to see the basketball team’s captain, still high on his win, give his girlfriend a kiss in front of the entire school. The girl blushed and pushed him away, giving him a smack on the shoulder. But all Erick could think of was how it would be like to kiss the captain instead. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“Something very wrong…” before he turned and walked away in the opposite direction.

He slung his bag over his shoulder and with his hands in his pockets, walked out of school, wondering what was for lunch. As he passed an alley by the school, he heard a muffled thump. He was about to ignore it when he heard some jeering laughter and he frowned. Torn between his curiosity and his instinct to stay out of trouble, Erick stood outside the alley with a conflicted face. That was when a group of three boys came snickering out of the alley. They paused when they saw him but smirked and walked away.

He stared at them, thinking if he should go into the alley to look. The three of them were well known bullies and normal students like him gave them a wide berth. There were footsteps behind him and Erick turned to see a dark haired boy walk out. He was a little scuffed up and he moved awkwardly, holding his stomach as if it was hurt. The boy gave Erick a glance before he turned away, his eyes down and walked off.

*           *           *           *           *

It was rather late when Erick finally decided to go home. The school corridors were more or less deserted as most of the eager students had already left, eager to get a head start on the semester holidays.

But Erick wasn’t interested. Alex and Amy were supposed to be back tomorrow and then the family would leave for a visit to his grandparents in another state. Even if he went home earlier, he had nothing to do.

He’d gone to the school’s computer lab and hung out with the teacher in charge, learning a little more about coding. While he badly wanted a computer of his own, he didn’t want to ask. He had a feeling he’d need to earn it with his grades and he really couldn’t be bothered to work for it.

As long as he kept his grades within A’s and B’s, his parents didn’t give him any grief and honestly, it was more fun to mess around with the computers in the school lab. At least the teacher was someone he could talk to, along with some of the other die hard computer fanatic schoolmates.

He had his mind in the clouds, trying to remember if he had left any of his stuff on Alex’s bed, not wanting to get it if his big brother found a mess on his side of the room when he got back.

Passing by the same alley again, he again heard the muffled thump from last time. Understanding what it was about, Erick decided not to get involved but the mocking he heard made him stop.

“Just get out of school you ugly queer. Nobody wants a filthy fag like you around.”

Erick couldn’t help it. He walked into the alley and as expected, he found the three bullies from before, kicking the dark haired boy he had seen previously. They looked up when they heard someone walk in but relaxed when they realized it was just another student.

“Mind your own business and get out of here.” Brown, the leader of the group said to him. Erick just silently looked at them. His stare unnerved the bullies a little.

“What? You want to help him? You his boyfriend or something?” Erick continued to stare, not saying a word but it seemed to feel chillier.

“Wait, now I remember. You’re that sissy O’Brien. Isn’t your dead uncle a fag too? No wonder.” Erick stiffened and his stare grew sharper. He only had one uncle that had passed away.

“Hah, you a fag too? Runs in the family then? Your uncle died because he got rejected, didn’t he? You queers are all disgus-”

What the bully wanted to say had been knocked back by the swift punch Erick had landed on his face. Before the other two friends could react, Erick had landed on top of Brown and was landing another punch.

He had never used violence. Growing up with a doctor for a father, he had seen patients with all kinds of injuries come to his father’s clinic all the time. Especially when his father treated victims of domestic violence for free.

Many of the boys thought he was a weak sissy because he would walk away from conflicts but today… today he couldn’t walk away. An insult to him was fine. An insult to his family was still forgivable. But an insult to Uncle Frank…

He’d had an inkling that he and Uncle Frank had been the same. The rumours were one thing but the way his grandparents had never said anything about their youngest son… They thought that Uncle Frank was a disgrace, an abnormality. So Erick had hid his differences as well and tried to be normal. But it was hard.

Now, Erick raised his fists and brought them down. Again and again he hit the boy under him, releasing all the pent up confusion and frustrations from his orientation, from his uncle’s death, from the way no one in the family would talk about it.

He ignored the pained cries from the bully, who probably did the same every time he hit his victims. It felt surprisingly good to let go and just hit something.

It was only when he felt a yank on his collar did he come to. He looked up to see Alex looking at him, a frown on his face.

“What are you doing?”

Erick kept silent, his head down, unable to look at his brother. His hands were throbbing now. He never realized hitting someone could hurt him too.

Alex stared at his silent, sullen brother and sighed. He had heard the insults spewed by the boy but had been too late to stop Erick from landing the first punch. He gave a deadly stare at the three boys who had been trying to inch away.

“The three of you can leave but just know that I know who you are and where you live. It’s a small town after all. If I hear that you’ve been out of line one more time, I might just pay your folks a visit.”

They paled at Alex’s threat. Nobody wanted their parents to know that they had been misbehaving. They quickly left, leaving the two brothers and the other victim. Alex gave him a cursory look and nodded when he saw that he wasn’t too badly injured.

“You’d better go home too. If you need any help, let this idiot here know.”

The boy gave a silent nod, picked up his bag and left. And then there were two.

“So? How does it feel to beat somebody up?”

“… Hurts…”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“They insulted Uncle Frank.”

“Are you sure it was just because of that?”

Silence.

“It wasn’t because they called you a fag?” Alex persisted.

Erick whipped his head up and looked at his brother, three parts shock seven parts fear. He didn’t expect his brother to be so astute.

“Kiddo, I was your age too. You should be talking about which girl was hot and who was cute but you never did. And you were always looking at the boys whenever we go out.”

Erick panicked now, he rushed forward, grabbing his brother’s arms.

“Don’t tell mum and dad!”

“Whoa, slow down kiddo!”

“Please! I’ll do anything! Just don’t tell them!”

Erick was nearly in tears now. He didn’t want to be rejected by his parents and he never realized that his inclination had been discovered by his brother. He’d never been so scared in his life.

“Erick, calm down!”

Alex had wrenched himself out of Erick’s grasp and had placed his hands firmly on his brother’s shoulders. He finally realized that his words had terrified his brother. Was he imagining that his parents would throw him out of the house because of his orientation? He gave a tired sigh.

“Let’s go home.”

“No!”

Erick didn’t want to go home and see the look of disgust on his parents face. He looked at his brother in agony.

Alex didn’t want to make a promise he wouldn’t keep. He could understand Erick’s fear and confusion but keeping it in would only make it worse. He tried again.

“Erick, it’s going to be fine. Mum and Dad won’t shun you because of this.”

“No! I’m a freak! Mum and Dad will throw me out!”

Alex couldn’t believe his brother’s imagination. Just what was going on through his head? But when he thought about how Erick had convinced himself that he had killed Uncle Frank, Alex had to admit that it was more than just teenage insecurities. Erick’s trauma had been festering from the time of their uncle’s death. His father’s attitude of not telling the younger children had been a mistake.

“Why don’t we go home and talk about it? This isn’t the right place.”

“I…”

Too late Alex realized that he had pushed his brother over the edge. Erick had stood there in a daze, tears streaming down his face. Left with no choice, he reached out and gave his brother a hug, which seemed to both calm and shock Erick out of his tears.

“Better? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Erick was truly embarrassed to be seen crying by his brother. He had not cried like that since his uncle died. But to an extent, it made him feel better. There had been so much confusion and repressed emotions within him that he himself did not realize. The biggest secret that he had kept within him had been exposed and now, all he could do was leave it to chance. Wiping his tear streaked face, he gave his brother a small nod.

“Good. Let’s go home. There’s some things that dad needs to explain to you.”

Alex watched as his brother silently picked up his backpack and followed him, his head down, his shoulders hunched in defeat. He did not say anything and they went home in silence. What was supposed to be a surprise had ended up scaring his brother instead.

“Good, you’re back. Amy’s on her way and will be back soon. Go pack your things and we can leave for grandpa and grandma’s place when she gets here. We should be there by dinner.”

Dr O’Brien came out the door to greet his sons. That was when he noticed that something was not quite right with them.

“What happened?” his gaze sharpened and he looked at his elder son.

“I caught Erick beating a boy up.”

“What? Why?”

“The boy was insulting Uncle Frank. “

Dr O’Brien fell silent. The good thing about small towns was that everyone knew everyone. There was a feeling of belonging, of community. The problem with small towns was that everyone knew everyone. Rumours and gossip had no way to be stopped and people would say the meanest things with supposedly good intentions. He sighed and led his younger son in.

“Let me see if you’ve injured your hands.”

Erick paused, hesitant to show his bruised hands. He was ashamed of his loss of control, he had always bragged that he would walk away from any confrontation. But mostly he was afraid. Afraid that if his father found out that he was abnormal, he would drop his hands in disgust, would reject for a freak. Without realizing, his tears started trickling down his face again.

Alex sighed and looked at his father.

“Dad, I think you need to explain some things to Erick about Uncle Frank.” He persisted when he saw his father frown. “Erick is the same.”

That was when Dr O’Brien’s face changed. He paled and looked at his younger son, grasping his arm so tightly Erick gasped in pain.

“Is it true? Do you like men?”

Erick was so overwhelmed by the intensity in which his father looked at him, as if to ask why he wasn’t normal.

“I’m sorry!” he sobbed.

“Dad!” Alex couldn’t take it anymore.

Dr O’Brien seemed to come out of his craze when he saw his son crying. He gave a sigh.

“Go to your room. We’ll talk about this later.”

Erick couldn’t stop the hiccoughing sobs that continued to pour out of him, still doing his best to stifle them. He slowly made his way upstairs, not daring to look at either his father or brother. Or even his worried mother who had come out to see what the commotion was about.

It was over. He was going to lose his family.

*           *           *           *           *

The drive back to his grandparents’ place was the longest drive he had ever been in. The oppressive, gloomy atmosphere in the car meant that even the usually chatty Cassie kept silent as well as she and Amy looked at Alex and Erick, trying to figure out what was going on.

But Alex kept his steady silence and Erick had covered his face with a jacket and pretended to be asleep. He didn’t want anyone to see his red and puffy eyes. Dr O’Brien meanwhile, smoked stick after stick of cigarette without a care until his wife took away the box and quietly shook her head.

When they arrived, everyone was glad to get out of the car, each rushing out and greeting their grandparents before dispersing, much to the befuddlement of the elderly O’Briens.

Erick watched everything that was going on, a little detached from everything. He kept telling himself that he shouldn’t get attached, that he may be thrown out of the family, that no one could accept someone like him. Then he noticed his mother walking over to him.

“Aren’t you coming in?”

“I…”

Without a word, his mother enveloped him in a hug. It was the second one he had received today. He never realized how calming a touch from someone else could be, especially when he had thought that no one would touch him anymore.

“You’re my son. Whatever your problems, you should be able to tell me.”

Erick didn’t realize how petite his mother was, how much he had grown until he received her hug. He couldn’t even remember how long it had been since he had received a hug from her. The broad back that used to cover him, smother him, had shrunk. A little bit more and he would be the one to cover her, smother her.   

So he just closed his eyes and received her love, savouring the feel of being protected once again.

“Let’s go in, all right?”

Erick reluctantly agreed. He followed his mother in, greeted his grandparents and went up to the bedroom that he and Alex shared while they were here. On the way, he saw his father standing inside one of the bedrooms. If he remembered correctly, that was Uncle Frank’s bedroom.

Thinking of his late uncle gave him a pang of sadness. He missed his uncle. But nobody ever talked about him anymore, pretended that he didn’t exist. It looks like he was going down the same road as his uncle.

*           *           *           *           *

“Erick, come here.”

Erick heard his father call him when he passed his uncle’s room to go to the bathroom and obediently walked in.

Dinner earlier had been a little sombre but Dr O’Brien had explained to his parents that the children were all tired from school and the long journey. They would be fine after a night’s rest.

Now Erick was standing in his late uncle’s room, staring at his father, who was looking for something on his uncle’s bookshelf. He pulled out an album and opened it before he showed it to his son.

Erick looked to see a photograph of his Uncle, when he was much younger. Maybe just a little older than Erick was right now. He was laughing happily at the camera, his arm around the shoulder of another boy, who was also smiling.

“That boy in the picture with your uncle was Rick Bright. He was a neighbour of ours when your uncle and I were younger.”

Was? Erick looked up at his father in confusion.

“Rick was the man your uncle loved. But he died of cancer about six years ago.”

Erick blinked. Six years ago… that was when his uncle had changed.

“But before that, your uncle already had a falling out with grandparents because of his orientation.”

Thunderbolt after thunderbolt struck Erick as he listened, a little stupefied. Now he was really frightened. Was this where his father was going to disown him too?

“You’re misunderstanding something.” Dr Henry sighed. His son’s fear was obvious in his eyes. He handed a worn piece of paper to Erick.

“This was your uncle’s last letter, his suicide note if you will. Maybe you should read it.”

Erick’s hands trembled when he unfolded the letter and read it.

Henry,

I think I’ve gotten tired of life. It’s hard being different, being shunned and alone. It was all still bearable when mom and dad threw me out, at least you were there to keep me steady. I thought I could bear it when Rick got sick, too. I would be there to be his support and maybe, just maybe, he’d look my way.

I know I was forcing my ideals on him, but he was my life, my support, my reason for living. He was the reason why I got thrown out of the house, why I took up photography. Whenever he admired and praised my photos, I got all fired up to take more, to show him the world.

I thought I had a chance, really. So even when he gave me back the ring and my albums, I didn’t get discouraged. I thought that as long as he was willing to see me again, I’d be able to keep trying. But when I found out that he had died, it was like he had taken a part of me with him. Kiddo was right. My photos after Rick had died had no soul. It flew to heaven to be with him.

I’ve completed Rick’s bucket list. All the places he had wanted to go, all the things he had wanted to do… done. I even took the photos to prove it. Maybe Rick had had an idea that I was going to do this, that was why he told me to fulfil his wish… to keep me alive just a little bit longer…

But I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to wake up every day knowing that he’s not here anymore, I don’t want to go to sleep knowing that the only place I can see him is in my dreams. Going to sleep is hard but waking up is harder.

I’m sorry for doing this, sorry for putting you on the spot. But you’ve always spoiled me, your baby brother. This is the last favour I’ll ever ask from you… I know it’s selfish, and probably against ethics but when they ask me how I died, could you just tell them I died of a broken heart?

Thank you

Frank

PS: Kiddo was the one who appreciated my photos the most after Rick. He can have them after I’m gone.

Erick’s eyes swam when he read the emotions written on that worn out piece of paper. His father had probably taken it out to read countless times. He looked up to see his father crying as well.

“You are not allowed to do the same thing as your uncle. I’ve already lost a brother, am I supposed to lose a son too?”

Erick choked on his father’s words. His father had never been very demonstrative but the love in those words… He was going to be all right.

End of part 2