Josh tidied his hair in the mirror and got ready to leave. As promised, Erick had invited him over to his place for a meal today. Josh had been surprised by how well the both of them had got along; despite having just met each other, they found that they had a lot of things in common. All in all, he was looking forward to the meal with him. Just as he was about to pick up his keys to go, his phone rang. He paused when he looked at the number. It was his mother. Taking a deep breath, he picked up the call.

“Hello?”

“Hello? Son?”

“Yes, Ma?”

“How are you?”

“I’m fine. And you?”

“I’m fine too… so is your father.”

There was a silence.

“Was there something you wanted, Ma?”

“Ah, right. You couldn’t make it back to the spring festival the other day. Are you coming back any time soon?”

Josh paused. He’d forgotten about the Lunar New Year until he passed by Chinatown and saw all the red decorations there. He remembered telling his sister he wasn’t able to get time off to visit her either. He’d treated the once special holiday like any other day. The sense of detachment cushioning any sentimental feelings he might have had for that day.

“I don’t think so. Work is still busy and I’m not sure when I can get some days off.”

“Oh…” The distance and irregular internet connection could not hide the disappointment in his mother’s voice. Suddenly he could hear his father’s angry voice. 

“Why are you still calling that useless thing?! I told you I had no son!”

“Pa…” there was a beep and his mother had disconnected the call. Josh stared at the phone, wondering if his parents had purposely called to open all the wounds that he had thought were scabbed over. He numbly stowed his phone in his pocket, picked up his keys and left his empty, echoey apartment.

“Hey, you’re just in time.” Erick greeted him with a smile as he opened the door. 

“Thanks. This is a nice place you have here.” he admired the apartment as he walked in.

“Haha, thanks. It’s a little small though.” Erick went to the kitchen area to check on the dish in a pot.

“No way, it’s perfect for a single person.” He stood in front of the balcony and admired the city skyline from there. Erick had kept the design simple and understated with wooden floors and furniture and a mix of neutral and cool tones. The huge windows let in a lot of light, which Josh loved. Maybe he should open the curtains to his living room instead of keeping it in the dark.

“Food’s ready. Come sit.”

Josh turned to see Erick setting out the cutlery. He hurried over to help. He had been really surprised by the spread: Lotus root and peanut soup with pork ribs, garlic stir-fried greens, silken tofu with minced meat and sweet and sour fish fillets. It really reminded him of home.

“You made all this?” he looked at Erick in awe. They were about the same age after all; why was it that he couldn’t even fry an egg properly?

“It’s nothing. I’ll make fish head curry next time. When I can get a good fish head.”

“When did you get the time to learn all this?” he remembered how flawed the new system had been during set-up.

“A little here and there. Alice, the boss’ PA loved teaching me simple recipes when she knew I was interested to learn. The rest I picked it off of the local cooking shows.”

“I don’t believe this… Look, you even know how to add red dates to the soup!”

“Alice taught it to me that way. I just followed the recipe.” Erick gave Josh a helpless look as he served him a bowl of rice.

Josh inhaled the steam from the rice and looked at all the dishes, unable to decide what to start with first. So he did what he had been doing since he was a kid and started with the soup. It was light and fragrant and tasted just like how his mother made it.

“It’s good.”

“I’m glad. Drink some more- Josh?!” Erick had looked at Josh and was shocked to see tears rolling down his face.

“I’m…” He touched his face, surprised to find it wet. “Haha, why am I crying? It’s just good soup...” The tears wouldn’t stop as they rolled down his chin and dappled his jeans. It had not been intentional but when he tasted the soup, he was reminded of his family. His strong, sunshiny sister, his sweet and gentle mother, his strict but fair father. They weren’t the closest of people but they were family. And now, he couldn’t go back. The call from his parents earlier had already weakened his defences and now, a simple bowl of soup had broken it.

With no care for dignity anymore, he cried. He cried the hurt he had been carrying, the loneliness, the anger and isolation. He could take a lot of punishment and not show a single care on his face but an ounce of kindness and friendship had warmed his withered heart and he could not stop the floodgates. After a while, the tears dried and he was finally calm.

“Better?” Joshua jerked his head. He had forgotten about Erick. 

“Sorry about that…” He removed his glasses and wiped his swollen, red eyes with the palm of his hand.

“Go wash your face.” Erick pointed to the bathroom. Josh nodded and got up. After closing the door, he leaned against it and took a deep breath. It was embarrassing but Josh was surprised by how much he had needed that. Having kept his feelings repressed for so long, it was refreshing to be able to vent. He gave his face a rueful look. Red eyes and nose, blotchy complexion and wet from either tears or snot. He took off his glasses again and washed his face, letting the cold water cool his heated face. He paused, realizing that he didn’t have a handkerchief on him. He was too embarrassed to use Erick’s towel that was hanging there. As if reading his thoughts, there was a knock on the door.

“Josh? I thought you might need a towel.”

He gratefully opened the door and accepted the face towel that was proffered.

“Thanks.”

“Let’s eat. The food’s getting cold.”

He nodded and they sat back down. After having vented, Josh’s half dead appetite was revived with a vengeance. He enjoyed everything, asking for seconds, then thirds. When all the dishes had been picked clean, he offered to help with the dishes but it was obvious he wasn’t very good at them.

“It’s fine. I’ll toss them in the dishwasher after this.” Erick finally intervened when he saw how much Josh was struggling with it. 

“Sorry… the most my mother made me do was bring my own plate to the sink.” He was embarrassed by how dependent he was on his mother for the household chores.

“No big deal. I got used to it when I was there. Sit down, I’ll bring some tea over.” A perfect way to finish a hearty meal like that. He sat on the balcony, enjoying the breeze and watching the clouds pass by.

“Here.” Erick placed a tray with a Chinese tea set on the glass table and poured him a cup.

Josh picked up the cup and savoured the tea inside. It smelt and tasted like Pu’er. He was also surprised by how calm and quiet Erick was despite his earlier breakdown.

“You’re not going to ask me anything?”

Erick looked at Josh and shrugged “We’ve only met a few times. I get it if you don’t want to talk about it.”

It was this laid back attitude that made Josh want to confide in him. Throwing caution to the wind, he told him the whole story. 

“So you’re not even sure if you like guys?”

“It had never even occurred to me that I could. I was just never interested in girls. That was all.”

“Are you curious to find out?” there was a gleam in his eyes but Josh, who was looking at his teacup never noticed.

“I don’t know. I’ve been on this crazy roller coaster since half a year ago. Now I just want to calm down again and think about it later.”

“Take your time. Your heart will know when you’re ready.”

Josh gave Erick a grateful smile. “Thanks.”

“No, thank you for trusting me.”

When Josh left Erick’s apartment, he felt better than he had been in a long time. He stretched as he looked at the setting sun and walked to the subway with a smile. Tomorrow will be a new day.

* * * * *

“Did you get fat?”

“That’s no way to greet your sister.”

“Sorry about that. But you do look fatter.”

“I can’t help it. Your niece is making me crave everything and Marc doesn’t stop me at all.”

“It’s a girl?” a smile bloomed on Josh’s face.

“Yes! Mama is so excited she hasn’t stopped knitting. She says it’ll be just in time when the baby comes.” But his sister’s smile faded as she thought of something.

“Are you going to forgive Pa?”

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

“Joshy…” She used his pet name. 

“Sis, stop. Dad never bothered to ask if it was true. He just threw me out.”

“I know but you know he’s always had a short temper…”

“He threw you out too, if I recollect correctly.”

“Yes, but when I told Ma that I was pregnant, she’s been calling me every other day and nagging at Pa too. You know, she was really heartbroken at the last spring festival. Both of us weren’t there. The reunion dinner was so lonely she cried.”

When he imagined his aging parents sitting around a table laden with dishes but only the two of them, his heart was filled with guilt. He was still sending money home, banking it into his mother’s account. He never forgot his duties as a son; he just didn’t want to see or talk to them. 

“Jo, stop. I don’t want to see them at the moment.” He never called his sister by her name, treating it as a sign of respect to her seniority. But when he did, Joana knew she crossed the line.

“If you’re gay, you’re gay. If you’re not, you’re not. You don’t have to live by anybody else’s rules. All I want for my little brother is for him to be happy. And if I can reconcile my stubborn family members, bonus points for me.”

Josh looked at his sister exasperatedly over the phone.

“You know, I didn’t regret leaving home to be with Marc, even when I had to be in a totally unfamiliar place. At least he and his family welcomed and loved me. But when I got pregnant, I realized that I didn’t want my child to lose out on the other family that she could have. That was why I called home.” She smiled at him. “She can have her steaks and her stews but she shouldn’t miss out on the dim sum and noodles!”

Josh had never seen his sister like this. She’d always been a headstrong, rebellious one. She questioned her role in the household and was not satisfied to play second fiddle to him just because she was a girl. So she had gone out and raked all the awards and achievements before he could. She challenged everything and proved that a daughter was not less than a son. She was his role model. Now, when she was thinking about her child, she had the softest smile he had ever seen. Did having a child really change her that much?

“Maybe when I’ve learned to accept myself then I’ll call home.” That was the best compromise he could offer.

Joana’s smile got bigger. “Fine. Let me know then. We’ll go home together.” That was his sister; always looking out for him. She looked away from the phone as she heard her name being called. “I’ve got to go. Marc’s calling. Come over for a visit, I can’t go to you for the time being.”

“All right, all right… the baby hasn’t been born and you’re this naggy. Are you going to compete with Ma?” he teased.

“Cheeky!” and the phone was disconnected.

Josh leaned back against the sofa and sighed. He spoke to his sister now and then and knew her love and concern for him was as before. She never treated him any different and he was grateful. But her pushing for him and his father to make amends was stifling. He was still aggrieved over his father’s actions, in his attempts to save face. Those words could not be taken back and he was not magnanimous enough to just forgive him, even if he was the younger. 

“Tired?” Erick appeared from the kitchen with a mug of coffee in each hand. Josh smiled at him and accepted the mug offered to him. Since the breakdown, they hung out with each other now and again. Josh had also asked Erick to teach him how to cook. So every other weekend, he would come over to Josh’s apartment. Josh had finally mastered frying eggs and making omelettes. He was learning some simple stir-fries and getting better at it. His kitchen which initially only housed a fridge, microwave and electric kettle now contained more and more appliances, pots, pans and dinnerware since the two friends would go out and buy things for Josh’s apartment. 

Spring had long left and they were midway into a rather muggy summer. Josh had his balcony doors open to let both the light and breeze in. The apartment that he had thought too big was just right now; he’d bought some house plants to decorate the room and when Erick found out that he had admired his home’s décor, he had brought Josh to his favourite places, allowing him to buy and personalize his home. It felt homey and lived in. The days of him pulling overtime for no reason were gone but Dave was crying because he couldn’t persuade Josh to keep him company in the office outside crunch time anymore.

No, Josh would rather spend it with Erick. With so many things in common, the two of them always had something to talk about. And even when all they were doing was spend time together in each other’s place, there had never been any discomfort. They were just at ease in each other’s space. There were different interests as well though. Erick was a fitness buff and Josh loved making stuff with his hands. So when they decided to do things that didn’t match, they did it alone or with others. It was never one of those forced friendships where one had to conform to everything the other party liked to be accepted; they had times when they enjoyed being together and they had times when they did their own things away from each other.

It was a comfortable sort of friendship but there were times when Josh wondered if there was something more. He wondered time and again if he was falling for Erick but his heart came up confused. Yes, he did like him best among his acquaintances here but no, he did not feel like sleeping with him. No, he did not mind the sometimes excessive skinship but yes, he minded if they caused a scandal at the office. All in all, the only answer he could come up with was: he didn’t know.

“Yeah… my sister was nagging at me to call my parents again.” He sipped the aromatic coffee and sighed, the taste of the freshly ground beans lost to him. He continued to lean back against the sofa, lost in thought.

“Hey, the other day when I was at the Asian market, I found something good.” Erick changed the subject, hoping to distract him.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I brought it over earlier. I’m amazed you didn’t realize.”

“Really?” 

“But then again, I had to wrap it up really well or they wouldn’t let me on the train.”

Josh had a feeling he knew what Erick was referring to. They had been talking about it just a few days ago. He couldn’t believe his friend had found some so soon.

“You actually found some?”

“Yeah. But you wouldn’t have recognized it anyway. They removed all the thorns and it looked like a sorry white ball.” 

Josh nearly leapt out of the sofa. He hurriedly put his cup on the table and ran to the kitchen, a smile spreading on his face. He opened the fridge and whooped with joy when he found the fruit Erick was referring to.

“Durian!” it had been ages since he had had some; even when he was back home he hadn’t had any, considering a whole fruit too much.

“Yup. Want to open it now?”

“Yes!” he looked like a kid in a candy store. One could almost see him hopping around in excitement. Erick smiled and grabbed a knife to pry the fruit open.

“It won’t be as good as the ones we get by the roadside in season but it will have to do.”

The fruit was opened to reveal the creamy, pungent flesh. Erick was right about it not being the same but durian was durian. He grabbed one and immediately stuffed it into his mouth.

“Mmmmmm...” he relished the soft, mildly sweet flavour. The smell was nowhere near a turnoff, reminding him of his childhood instead.

“Eat as much as you want, the rest you can freeze. They’ll keep.” Erick smiled indulgently at him. Josh pouted, picked up a piece of the fruit and stuffed it into Erick’s mouth.

“Have some too. Food’s always better when it’s shared.”

Erick smiled and enjoyed the fruit together with Josh. It wasn’t a very big fruit but it was enough to stave off a craving. When they were done, Josh was back at the sofa, leaning back into it again.

“That was so goodddddddd.” He gave a little burp, satisfied with their snack.

“Here.” Erick gave him a glass of water.

Josh looked at him. 

“Salt water, to remove the heatiness.” 

“You even know this home remedy.” He grumbled as he drank the saline solution.

“I didn’t believe it at first but the day after I didn’t listen to Alice and her husband, I came down with a bad sore throat. I’ve been a believer ever since.”

Josh had to smile at that. He remembered when he hadn’t taken his salt water either. He lost his voice and was coughing terribly for three days. He never had that problem when he did so he saved himself the trouble and just drank the salt water whenever he did have durians. An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure any day. He finished the liquid and handed the glass back to Erick, who took it to the kitchen. A warm summer day, a cooling breeze, a full stomach; all the elements to make a person drowsy. Without realizing, he dozed off.

He felt something tickle his cheek. The feather light movements trailed downwards and brushed against his lips. Was that a fly? With his eyes closed, he swiped his hand to chase it away. He didn’t expect to hit something large and warm. On instinct, his fingers closed and he grasped the object that had grazed his lips. He opened his eyes to see Erick’s hand in his, the other man looking a little shocked and flustered. There was already a blush tinting his cheeks. Josh was just as shocked and he dropped the hand in his grip.

“I- I… sorry…” Erick hung his head down in shame. Joshua was amused; it was not often that he saw anything but a calm, collected Erick. To see him this nervous was a new experience.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I told you that you should take your time. I wanted to give you that time…”

“So you’re gay?”

“Yeah. I came out years ago. My family knows but I never informed the office.”

“Oh. Is that why didn’t you tell me?”

“That’s not it. I liked you as a friend first. I gradually got attracted to you but I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want. You’ve said it before, you’re not sure about your orientation. I just want you to like me willingly.”

“And if I had decided that I was straight and wanted to marry a woman?”

“Then you’d just be a friend and maybe we’d gradually drift apart.”

Maybe Erick had already gone through that before. Maybe there was some hidden story somewhere but Josh would respect Erick’s privacy, just like what he had done for him. When the time was right, Erick would tell him. The usually comfortable silence between them was gone. It was fuelled by tension and a wrong move could blow everything out of proportion. They couldn’t go back to how they were before; they could only move forward. Erick had turned his face away, unwilling to look at Josh. He had taken some liberties so he was unable to look Josh in the eye like he normally did. Josh was sure Erick would do as he said and avoid him if the matter was not resolved or if he said the wrong thing. All things considered, he was half-way there with his feelings for Erick. So he made his decision with the same speed as when he was offered a post here.

“I’m still not sure. I don’t know if I want to sleep with you.” Erick’s head visibly drooped. “But in the meantime…” here Josh reached out and took Erick’s hand again. He raised his head to look at Josh, his eyes unreadable. Josh smiled “Why don’t you kiss me and try to convince me?”

It was like watching a flower bloom at high speed. The light returned to his eyes and a smile wreathed his face. But Erick was still so gentle as he cupped Josh’s cheek. 

“Are you sure?”

“Isn’t it your job to make me sure?”

“I don’t want you to regret it. You can still like the opposite gender, like a regular person.”

“I already told you that I’m not interested in women. I don’t think I’ll ever be normal.”

“There are many kinds of normal. This is mine.” Erick moved his face closer and Josh could feel his breath on his face, his lips. He closed his eyes and allowed Erick to kiss him. There was a little probing from Erick’s tongue and he opened his mouth to allow a deeper kiss. There was a faint scent and taste of durians, which could have been worse. The day could not get any better.

* * * * *