Brent

Aiden is working with Jack, and I work alone. I see how they communicate with each other, and I can’t understand what kind of feeling worries me.

They get along well. Aiden is recovering slowly, he smiles, he feels comfortable around Jack, but...

I circle around the farm and realize that there is only one thing that disturbs me - a dim future. Summer will come to an end, this work will come to an end. Will I go back to the university? Will Aiden come with me? What will we do? Now everything seems to get better, to fall into place, but it's like building a house of cards on quicksand. We have no ground under our feet. And the scars on Aiden's wrists are still too noticeable...

I drive to the stables and see Jack and Aiden busy knocking cans off the fence with horseshoes.

“Is everything OK?” Jack shouts at me when he spots me.

I nod.

“And how are you here?”

“Great! Aiden is a fast learner.”

My brother smiles and waves to me from behind the fence. Apparently, it’s me alone who can’t get rid of thoughts about our past and our future.

I work late again and barely stand from fatigue. Laura brings me dinner, but neither Aiden nor Jack is to be seen.

“They might have been racing on horses again,” Laura says, rolling her eyes.

“What?” I choke on a piece and start coughing.

“Why are you so nervous, as if your brother is six?” She grins and claps me on the back.

“He's still not himself.”

“And, in my opinion, he is fine. You just have a fad. You convinced yourself that you have to take care of him, you look like a mother hen. And he’s having a great time with Jack.” She gives me a strange look, in which I see a vague hint.

“What do you mean?”

Laura looks at me without changing her expression, and then seems to step back and speaks in her usual tone.

“Well, it’s never boring with Jack! Once when we were kids, he released geese, and we competed who would catch more of them before sunset. Three went missing. But it was definitely not boring.”

We are having dinner together with Laura, darkness approaches the house.

“Why aren't you having dinner with your father?”

Laura snorts.

“He likes giving me lectures. The first week, as I arrive, he is glad to see me all, and everything is fine, and then there is only continuous nit-picking and talks about the future.”

“Your father is worried about you.”

“He should worry that I want to leave as soon as possible and not return as long as possible. Lucky Jack, his last semester’ll start in a week. And I’ll be dying of boredom for another month. Will you and your brother stay? Father needs help, it would be difficult without Jack... and he might think that I’m a good substitute. And although I'm bored, but not so much...”

“Jack is leaving?”

“Yes, that’s what I said. He’ll work until Friday and then "ciao-ciao, dear brother." I believe he already bought a ticket.”

Damn…

For some reason, I immediately think of Aiden. I can’t figure out what I’m more concerned about - that Aiden will be with Jack, or that Jack will leave, and Aiden will, quite possibly, shut himself up again.

“He never told me. Will he come back here after the semester?” I ask.

Laura shrugs.

“Father needs help, yes. He would like Jack to be here, but... Jack wanted to study and went to university, I don't think he'll give up so easily now. I think he'll stay in California if he finds a job.”

“He studies in California?”

“Yeah,” she looks away and glances at her foot in bright yellow sandal. “And you? What are you going to do? You’re a student too as I recall.”

Instead of answer, I put food in my mouth and chew to buy at least some time and come up with an answer. However, there is no need for this, because I see Mr. Phelps drives up to the house. We hardly saw each other from the moment we first met, but Jack always said that his father was quite happy with our work.

“Good evening, Mr. Phelps.” I get up. He comes closer and looks at what we did with the shepherd's shack - it looks pretty decent, a couple of days ago, Jack and I even painted it.

Mr. Phelps nods and glances at Laura, then looks at me again.

“How are you doing, alright?” He asks without much care in his voice.

“Yes, everything is great. I don't remember if I thanked you for allowing us to stay. You helped us a lot...”

“I see your brother has come to his senses.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good.”

A little doubt creeps into my mind, maybe he came to ask me to move out?.. But Laura just said that Jack was leaving, and our help was still needed.

“Come on, help me out on the pasture,” Mr. Phelps says after a short pause, during which I’ve already done a lot of guesswork.

“Yes, of course,” I say. “Thanks for dinner,” I say to Laura and get into Mr. Phelps's car.

We drive to the other side of the farm with cattle pastures. Mr. Phelps has a large farm and, for the most part, tries to manage on his own. As I understand it, he doesn't really like outsiders.

We drive in silence. I don't want to start a conversation because I don't want to annoy him with my questions. He doesn’t ask me anything, so I see no point in starting some lengthy discourse about my life here or the one I had before...

Though…

...I haven't spoken openly to anyone for a long time.

“I see you got along with Jack,” Mr. Phelps says suddenly. I nod.

“He's a good guy, sir. He is easy to get along with.”

Mr. Phelps frowns and purses his lips. Each family has their own skeletons in the closet.

“Did you graduate from college?”

“I am a second year student at the university.”

“So you will continue your studies in the fall?”

And I thought I had gone away from questions... But it's like my own thoughts were embodied in the words of other people. I have to answer these questions.

“I… I don’t know yet, sir.”

“And your brother?”

“He graduated from high school this year. But... I don't know either.”

I look away. This conversation turns out to be harder than I thought. Mr. Phelps notices this and says nothing more.

I return to the house in the dark. It feels like Mr. Phelps was putting me to the test.

I sit down on the bed exhausted and notice that there is no one on the next bed.

Damn…

I don't know... maybe Laura is right, and I, as she said, have a fad... But she did not see my brother the way I saw him. And I can't let things slide.

So I get up and walk to the Phelps house. In the dark, the glowing windows on the ground floor are clearly visible. I knock on the door and Laura opens it. Her hair is loose, it flows like waves. And why does she keep putting them in the tail?

“Sorry to bother you. Have you seen Jack or Aiden? He's still not home and...” I start.

Laura smiles at one corner of her mouth and tilts her head, examining me as if I have "Fool" written on my face.

“I don’t think they’re lost,” she replies and grins again. “Maybe they decided to go to the city.”

Why am I so worried that Aiden is spending time with someone else? He enjoys this time definitely. But... this is some kind of fraternal jealousy, a feeling of injustice that I was left out. I thought after everything that happened, we would somehow become closer, but it turned out not as I expected. I really feel like a father of a teenager. He has his own interesting eventful life, and I am left with a restless sleep, disturbing thoughts and a constant state of waiting. Attempts to build trusting relationships aren’t successful, because there is a gap of years between us.

What years?! I'm only three years older than him!

The story of suicide, our parents, and his hysterics pulled me out of the state of "cheerful older brother" abruptly and put me in a different category. I feel the burden of responsibility on my shoulders. For him, for myself, for his future, for his condition. I have been responsible for him since childhood, because I am an elder one. Because he was weaker, he was more vulnerable. If I was a sensitive kid, I quickly grew thick skin, because behind my back stood someone who needed my protection. And I protected him, even if I was not sure of my victory. It's like it all came back to me. Click, and it started like a program.

I have to protect my brother.

That's all I think about every day.

And he... knocks cans over with horseshoes. With Jack.

He laughs. With Jack.

Disappears into the night. With Jack.

But Jack hardly feels the way I do. Even though he is older than me, although he is Laura's older brother, but still. He doesn't even know the whole story of what happened to me and Aiden.

I have to protect my brother. Even if from himself.

“Sorry,” I say and turn around.

“Hey, wait,” Laura catches up with me on the porch. “Father has already gone to bed, do you want to come in? Wait for Jack...”

“I need to find Aiden... And I'd like to talk to Jack too.”

“He’s leaving soon anyway, so...”

“So what?”

“Listen, Jack won't hurt your brother. Of course, I can’t vouch, but he certainly does not wish him ill. He likes your brother, is that bad? He helped him out of that stupor. They just talk and have a good time. And your brother is already big enough and can decide who to be friends with.”

“Don't tell me how I should treat my brother.”

Laura's face changes instantly and she leaves. My last sentence sounded rather rude. I am left alone on the dark porch.

I wander back to the shack in the dark. Voices reach me. This is Jack and Aiden. They talk and laugh loudly. They even try to sing something. When I reach the porch, I see Aiden walking, leaning on Jack's shoulder, both are tipsy.

“Brent!” Jack smiles broadly. But I don't see him, I only see the face of my drunken brother. And I feel like words are born out of anger, and they fly out of my mouth even before I have time to comprehend them.