Aiden

I can’t sit within four walls, so I go to wander the streets and walk until the evening falls, until I have no strength left.

I’m going home, Brent and I are having dinner. I see that something worries him, but he does not start a conversation. And it’s good.

I don’t say anything either.

When we return to the bedroom, I see a piece of paper with a phone number on my pillow.

“What is it?” I take the note and sit on the bed. That’s why Brent was like that.

“Today I met Jack, he said he wanted to talk to you. This is his number.”

I just want to ask: “Whose side are you on, brother?”

I didn’t tell Brent that I saw Jack in our cafe and that he was already with someone else. What should I talk to him about? It’s too late for an apology... What else?

It will only hurt more. No, really. I won’t forget this any time soon.

I put the note on the table, where it will be lying all week. I don’t throw it away, I can’t...

I am gaining determination. But in the end, I just think about Jack even more.

I still go to work, but now I diligently avoid Sean. And he became interested in me much more than before.

“I’ll go for a walk,” I say. Brent looks at me silently, but only nods. I need to get some air before bedtime. I circle the block and go home again.

“Aiden,” a voice says. This is his voice.

No, no, don’t. I quicken my pace and turn towards the house. Jack’s voice rushes after.

“Aiden, wait! Aiden! Wait a minute.”

How did he find me? Did he follow? Did he watch? Brent told him?

Jack catches up with me at the very house, I have to stop and look at him. His face hasn’t changed at all. And it makes me feel exactly the same as before.

Damn...

“Did Brent tell you that I wanted to talk to you?”

“Yes.” It takes a while for me to gain control over my voice.

“Why didn’t you call me?”

Next question.

“I was thinking about you…” Jack says.

Well, you bastard, I won’t buy it twice.

“Jack, don’t.”

“Why?”

Next question.

“Why, Aiden? Everything is over?”

Why, instead of anger, do I feel some kind of powerlessness? Wouldn’t anger be more appropriate? At least it would definitely give me strength.

“What’s over? Did something start?” I say bitterly.

“I thought that… I just wanted to apologize and…”

I extinguish my feelings, like coals, one by one. In the dark, I hardly see his face, and it helps me.

“Okay, your apology is accepted, now will you leave me alone?”

“I didn’t want it to be like this. I didn’t mean to hurt you... Damn...”

“If you hadn’t wanted to hurt me, you wouldn’t have. If you had wanted to talk, you would have. So much time has passed, do you think I need your apologies now? Go and have fun with your friend or lover or whatever he is, I don’t care.”

I get a little carried away here, but beside that I feel like I am in control.

“Aiden, don’t say that. I’ve been thinking about you all this time...”

It’s like I’m listening to an old record. Perhaps I was hoping for something. Maybe I imagined the perfect Jack. But now... he is not perfect at all.

“So what? You’ve been thinking, but what have you been doing? I need to go, Jack,” I turn my back on him.

“You know, yes, you’re right,” Jack raises his voice. “I acted like a coward, and you have every reason not to believe me. But I want you to know. I regret I was so stupid. I wish I knew right away what you meant to me. I couldn’t think of anything when I was with you. It seemed to me that such feelings could not be serious. And I thought it would pass. But it doesn’t go away. At least for me.”

Why is he doing this to me? Didn’t he leave me? Isn’t he living with someone else? Why does he need me? What we had wasn’t enough? And the worst thing is I want to hear these words from him. I may not believe it, but I want to hear...

“Look at me, Aiden,” Jack says, and I turn to face him.

“Just tell me honestly... If it’s over, I will understand...”

“What will you understand?” I can’t stand it. Why all this? I just want him to be honest, that’s all!

“I don’t know!” he yells back at me. “All three months I’ve been trying to understand what happened between us, why did I do this? And I have only one disappointing answer – I am a coward. That’s all. What I felt towards you scared me. It seemed like an obsession that would surely disappear. We had so little time, and I could not understand where this should come. Then your brother told me about your scars, and I was completely confused. I’m not trying to justify myself. You may even hate me for being coward. But I wanted you to know how I really felt.”

At least that was honest of him. But he didn’t say a word about Sean, and this immediately casts doubt on his words. But frankness for frankness.

“Do you want to know how I really felt? What I was thinking?

“Of course I do.” Jack replies.

“I felt betrayed and used. But I still couldn’t stop thinking about you. And then I saw you with someone else. Twice in one day. And I thought that your life went on without me. And your wish to talk was just an attempt to have fun with me again.”

Jack doesn’t protest. Doesn’t try to refute my words.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“I don’t believe you, Jack. I’m sorry, but I don’t.”

It hurts me insanely to say it, but it’s true.

“I’m sorry,” Jack repeats and leaves.

The night turns into torture. When you are desperately trying to forget someone, and he suddenly appears on the doorstep with a confession of guilt, it’s hard to resist. I mean, outwardly I resisted, but this is a pyrrhic victory. I can’t sleep, I can’t think of anything at all. I want to believe him, I want to find at least one chance for Jack to become a part of my life again, because now I realized how much I missed him all these months. That the emptiness inside me is not decreasing, but growing bigger every day.

But there is something else.

I’m afraid.

From my short life experience, I can confidently conclude that people betray. They betray your trust, your dreams, your feelings. Just like they betray their own. We are all sick with this terrible and hardly curable disease – betrayal.

And I only trust Brent because he was here when I needed him and didn’t even ask him for help. And he went with me through these last months and became closer to me. He is really not only my brother, but also my friend.

And I remember what he told me about Jack. And his words turned out to be true.

And now Jack came back and... said he was sorry?

What kind of “sorry” is that?!

For three months I didn’t know what to think, didn’t know what to do, then I saw him with another guy... and “I’m sorry”?

Is he out of his mind?!

Do I look so naive and stupid?

Or does he consider himself so irresistible that I immediately had to jump out of my pants?

Or is he sure that I, like a faithful dog, will rush to his call?

Anger is good... but it’s too little...

Too many uncooled feelings.

Damn it, when will they finally cool down?!