:: CARON ::

Someone once said the time of unrequited love is the happiest…

Whoever said that fucking line is either a liar or an idealist who haven’t experienced unrequited love at all!

Look at me. I’m a twenty-seven year old man suffering from unrequited love for almost half of my life. Do I look happy to you? The answer is no, I am not. I’m miserable. And from this point on it would be nothing but hell and heartache for me. Why? Because I came back to the place I swore I’d never go back to unless my feelings have changed or somehow shifted towards another, more favorable direction.

Eight years… I managed to stay away for eight long years and still my emotions are as riled up as they were when I first left. What am I going to do with myself? Seriously!

I parked the truck on the side of the gravel drive and stared at the pack house from the driver’s seat. My heart is beating a tattoo in my chest and if it beats any harder or faster, I’m afraid I’m going to have a heart attack. Screw coming home! I could just die here, inside my beat up truck, and not face the demons I’ve been trying to outrun for the past eight years.

I grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and started banging my forehead on it. I know I’m acting like an utter lunatic but there’s a reason for this madness. I can explain. Really, I can...

“What am I doing?” I groaned out loud as my forehead connected with the steering wheel for the third or fourth time, maybe it’s the fifth already... Shit! Who’s counting? Screw math!

I kept banging my head on the unlucky steering wheel and if anyone could see me from the inside the pack house they’d probably think I lost my mind. Maybe I did lose it. Why else would I submit myself to this kind of torture? Why else would I come back to this place if I hadn’t lost all sense and reason?

I’m pathetic… I feel absolutely wretched and I’m pretty sure I look pitiable right now. I shouldn’t have gone back here. I shouldn’t have…

Before I could continue my rueful thoughts and long litany of what else I shouldn’t have done, a warm hand rested on my shoulder and lightly shook it. Then a deep husky voice asked, “Are you alright, Caron?” And for the first time in twenty some years, I feel the need to cry.

‘Fuck no! I’m not alright.’ I wanted to scream. ‘Don’t touch me so casually or you might discover how much my body yearns for the feel of your naked skin against mine, then where would I be? And don't call my name like that,  sweet and gentle like you care or something. That’s just not fair!’

Since I can’t say any of those offensive words, I settled with a polite, “Yes, I’m fine.” Followed by, “Just a bit anxious about being home after such a long time.”

The man immediately rewarded me with a warm smile and I was blinded by the sheer brilliance of it.

“You should have tried coming home often,” he said with a hint of laughter in his voice. “That way you wouldn’t be so worried about coming home now. Come inside, everyone is waiting.”

Arrick Colson, alpha of Sandalius Pack, my brother in law or should I say my ex-brother in law?

Arrick fully mated with my twin sister Catriona about six years ago. They dated through high school and when I moved out to attend college, in another state in dire attempts to try and outrun my demons, Catriona stayed back to attend a local college to be closer to Arrick. She had to drop out when she got pregnant with my nephew, Devon.

So why is Arrick considered as an ex-brother in law? Simple, my errant sister left her pack, her husband and her five year old son. Catriona found her true mate about half a year ago, during one of the ‘interpack’ gatherings. You would think that being mated to the alpha and having a young son would at least give my sister pause and second thoughts about deserting her family and pack but no, it didn’t.

Catriona has always been the type to go after what she wants, when she wants it, and damn the consequences. In short, my sister has always been very selfish. And she proved that by going away with her supposed ‘true mate’, leaving everyone to deal with the backlash of her irresponsible actions.

My father, the former pack beta, was of course devastated by her actions. I think even more than the time when I declined to be considered as a beta candidate. His health suffered a huge blow because of what my sister did and my mother is not coping well with his deteriorating state. This brings us to the reason why I came back to live with the pack, temporarily, after a long time.

I grabbed my jacket from the passenger seat and got off the truck the same time Arrick rounded from the back with my duffle bag slung over his wide shoulders.

“Is this all you have?” He asked as we walked towards the pack house. I moved to grab the bag from him but he casually waved me off. “I thought after eight years you’d have acquired more belongings.”

“Ah, about that… I just brought the essentials with me.” I said rubbing the back of my neck and trying not to sound too nervous or bothered. “Most of my things are still in my apartment.”

Arrick paused mid stride and looked questioningly at me. “You’re not moving back?” He asked.

“I’d stay for a while. But once Pa gets better and Ma is back on track I’d be moving out again.” I answered honestly. “No offense to you but I think I’ve lived too long away from the pack to think about permanently moving back.”

Arrick grunted noncommittally at my response and we continued on our way.

“I never understood why you needed to move out in the first place. You even declined being considered as a beta candidate. Don’t get me wrong, Darach is doing a good job and we work well together. But it’s not unheard of for a pack to have two or more betas. And I think with you and Darach backing me up the pack would be more secure.”

To be honest, I wanted to be beta. My father was one and as his only son, I felt it was my duty to take over the mantle once he retired. But in life, we don’t always get what we want. If only my feelings weren’t so damned complicated! That time, I chose the easiest path, the most cowardly path, and removed myself from the situation. 

“Being pack beta doesn’t suit me.” I lied, hoping he’d let the subject of my moving away from the pack drop.

Frankly, no one understood my decision to leave. My parents and sister have been very vocal about their displeasure since I could have held a very important position within the pack. But I couldn’t tell anyone the real reason why I left.

It wasn’t entirely a lie when I told my parents I needed to spread my wings and go off to face the world on my own. Back then, I did feel the need to explore the world beyond the boundaries of the pack lands. I wanted to study and expand my horizons during my time at the university. 

But the truth is, I left Sandalius pack and refused to be considered for pack beta because I am hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Arrick, our alpha, the man standing, obliviously, and talking to me right now.

I knew from the moment I hit puberty that I liked boys more than girls. It was hard. I thought something was wrong with me because I haven’t met or heard of another gay werewolf. It scared the shit out of me, honestly. I thought that if anyone ever found out about my sexual preference they’d kick me out of the pack. I was so terrified I suppressed my natural urges and tried to act like a regular, normal guy. I tried hard not to think about boys, about what I want to do to them and what I want them to do to me. I even dated the girls my sister set me up with. But it was all useless!

In summation, I had a pretty messed up teen life, hiding in the closet, always frightened that someone would find out about me and my true feelings.

I fell in love with Arrick almost at the same time he started to notice Catriona. That was after my sister and I turned fourteen years old. Arrick is two years our senior and I have to applaud him for his behavior because Arrick didn’t make a move on Catriona until we entered high school.

The fact is, I’ve been in love with the same man for the past thirteen years.

I saw moving away for college as the only way out. A means of escape from the nightmare of seeing the man I love shower my twin sister with affection. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, really. In the first place, I shouldn't have wanted what I could never have. But at that time, I was so fed up. I wanted to extricate myself from the situation. I needed to get away.

Honestly, I wanted to forget and move on. It wasn’t about finding someone else, although I did keep my mind open to possibilities. But my main purpose of leaving was to completely crush and kill my feelings towards Arrick. And my resolve turned into nothing but a massive failure.

When Arrick mated with Catriona I couldn’t bring myself to go back and attend the mating ceremony. I talked myself half way through but once I entered the pack lands, I chickened out. In the end, I drove to the nearest bar and drowned my sorrows with a wide variety of alcoholic beverages laced with aconite. In short, I got blind drunk.

Arrick and I entered the pack house. I was just crossing the threshold when a small body came barreling towards me at full speed. My arms immediately shot out to find an anchor, to keep myself from falling over. But instead of grabbing on to the wall, doorframe or furniture my sinful hand found Arrick’s arm instead.

He laughed as he helped me remain upright while my other arm circled around his son.

“Hello, Devon.” I smiled down at the little imp that’s now looking weirdly up at me. “I’m your uncle, Caron. I’m so happy to finally meet you.”

Devon’s eyes widened in shock. He immediately let go of me and took a few cautious steps back.

“Devon?” I asked warily, confused at how the boy was suddenly acting. I looked up at Arrick and he seemed stunned as well. “Is something wrong buddy?”

“I… I-I’m s-sorry…” he stuttered.

I crouched down in front of him before asking, “For what kiddo?”

Devon shook his little head and moved to hide behind Arrick’s legs.

“It’s okay Dev, you can tell Uncle Caron what’s wrong. I won’t get mad.” I said slowly in a soothing voice. It bothers me that my nephew is reacting to me this way.

Devon bit his lower lip and shook his head frantically, looking conflicted and confused.

“I thought you were my mommy,” he said in a shaky voice. “I smelled you and you have the same smell as her.”

My heart twisted painfully at that statement. I was afraid to look up and see Arrick’s reaction. I mentally cursed Catriona to hell and back for hurting and abandoning this innocent child. After I gathered my wits about me, I focused all my attention on Devon and moved closer to coax him away from behind his father.

“You know, I have something in my bag that I think you might like.” I said offhandedly, deliberately acting mysterious.

“Really?” Devon peeked from in between his father’s legs to look at me.

To a passerby, on an odd angle, the three of us would look comical. But there’s nothing funny about the sudden heat I’m feeling as I try hard to ignore all the naughty thoughts that suddenly flooded my brain after I belatedly realized I’m kneeling in front of Arrick’s package.

“What is it?” Devon asked curiously, successfully putting a stop to my wild musings.

“I don’t know,” I said in a singsong voice. “I don’t think I should give it to you.”

“Why?” He pouted and I smiled because I could see a small version of Arrick in Devon when he frowns like that.

“Because you haven’t given me a real hug yet,” I bargained. “And I really, really want a hug right now.”

Devon hid behind his father again and seemed to be considering what I just said. But children are easily coaxed and the lure of a gift won against bashfulness. After a few seconds Devon flung himself at me and buried his face on the juncture of my neck and shoulder.

“You really smell like my mommy, Uncle Caron.” He whispered wistfully and I furtively looked up to see if Arrick heard, he did. But it doesn’t seem to bother him.

“Do you want to know why?” I whispered back. Devon nodded as he tightened his hold on me. “It’s because we’re twins. But if you know how to properly scent people, you’d notice I have another smell on me. Can you tell what it is?”

Devon inhaled deeply and smiled, “Chocolates! You smell too sweet Uncle Caron.”

I laughed and hugged him closer to me. It doesn’t seem like Devon would let go of me any time soon so I stood up with him in my arms. I was surprised when I found Arrick watching us intently with a small smile playing on his lips.

He mouthed ‘Thank you’ before leading the way upstairs and I couldn’t help the insane fluttering in my stomach at the gesture.

After I gave Devon his present, which I luckily remembered to pick up on the way, he disappeared to show off his new die-cast toys of famous animated cars and planes. 

I grabbed my duffle bag off the bed and set it down on the corner to the room, deciding to unpack later. I was turning around, to ask Arrick where my parents were, but stopped when I felt him stand close behind me. I froze when I felt him lean forward and touch his nose on the side of my neck, inhaling deeply.

“I never realized you and Catriona share the same scent,” he said as he stepped back.

My back was turned to him so I couldn't see his expression and it’s a blessing too because I could feel my face burning from what he just did.

I wanted to punch something, preferably something hard and breakable so I’d have the satisfaction of hearing it crumble beneath my fist. I know Arrick doesn't mean anything by it but this sort of spontaneous gesture from Arrick would be the death of me, I’m sure of it.

“Come, I’ll take you to your parents.” Arrick said and I felt him move towards the door.

I nodded mutely and waited until he was out of the room before turning to follow him.

My face painfully connected with the doorframe when Arrick suddenly said, “Dev is right, you smell too sweet.”