:: ARRICK ::

“Because that’s the same empty promise Catriona gave me before she left and deserted the pack…”

The moment those words flew out of my mouth I knew I’ve gone too far. I wanted to take it back but words have a way of hurting people like no other thing could. And no matter how much I wish I never said such things to Caron the fact remains that I did and in doing so I hurt him in the worst possible way. Caron doesn’t deserve to hear something like that, especially not from me.

“Caron, I’m sorry I…”

My pulse skidded to a full stop when the look on his eyes changed, when the space he placed in between us meant more than just a measurable distance. When I tried to reach for Caron but instead hit an invisible wall, I realized I made a huge mistake.

“That’s enough. You’ve said enough…” Caron’s face was emotionless but his voice was anguished and pained.

I can’t believe it. I’ve done it. I broke him…

I’ve been scared shitless from the moment we found out about Briana. I’ve given up countless times for the past weeks but Caron kept pulling me back to him. He kept holding on to me when all I wanted was for him to let go and end it with me.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking, exactly, but I think I needed an excuse. I needed someone to blame for my fears and I chose him. 

I’m a damned, demented fool!

I followed Caron as he walked blindly away from me. I called for him but he couldn’t hear me. He fell and slipped a couple of times but every time I tried to help him, Caron would slap my hand away like he couldn't handle the feel of my touch on his skin. 

But I couldn’t give up, I kept calling his name, telling him how sorry I was for what I said. I kept repeating that I didn't mean any of it. But Caron didn't seem to hear me and from the devastated look on his face, I’m afraid, Caron stopped caring.

It was Briana who saw us first. One look and she knew something was wrong. She growled furiously at me, warning me to stay away and keep my distance from Caron. But how could I, really?

It was amazing to see how she was trying to protect him. She’s half my size but the way Briana shielded Caron made her look and feel larger and stronger than me. If it had been a regular circumstance, I would have taken offense but this time is different. Briana could tear my fucking throat out and I wouldn’t put up a fight.

I hurt Caron. I irrevocably caused him unnecessary pain and I don’t know how to fix it. How could I reach him again? How can I make Caron hear my voice again? How do I unbreak him? I’m the cause of his pain but I can’t do anything but watch as he sobbed his heart out to her.

“What happened, darling? Are you hurt anywhere? Are you in pain?” Briana asked as she smoothened out Caron’s hair away from his tear-streaked face before cupping his face with her small, delicate hand.

My heart twisted painfully as Caron’s face changed. He looked so dazed, out of it. I don't think he even knows where he is or what he’s doing or that he’s being watched. All his attention was centered on her and I can’t help but hate Briana for that. But at the same time I envy her.

It should have been me. I’ve seen that look in Caron's eyes directed at me before. I should be the only one to have that effect on him. The only person who could make him forget about anyone and anything.

“Briana…”

I couldn’t help the growl that escaped me when Caron hugged Briana close to him. When he buried his face on the hollow of her neck and clung to her desperately. I wanted to tear them apart but before I could move I felt a hand close around my wrist holding me back. I turned and met Eoin’s dark glare.

“Let go!” I snapped.

“No, you’ve done enough!” Eoin snapped back, squeezing and pulling at my wrist harder.

I could fling Eoin away from me in a heartbeat. I’m physically capable of doing that and more. But I didn’t. No, actually I couldn’t. The one line sapped all the strength out of me.

I’ve done enough, he said. And looking at Caron’s broken form, yes, perhaps he’s right.

Was this really what I wanted, to see Caron like this? To see him in the arms of another, crying?

I was the one who drove him to this point. Caron told me, determinedly, that he doesn’t care about Briana. Caron was hell-bent on proving himself to me. He told me, over and over, that he would choose me over her. Always. But what did I do? Instead of trusting him and believing in him, I lied to Caron and purposely hurt him, for what?

“It’s alright, darling,” Briana whispered, hugging Caron tighter. “Everything is going to be alright…”

I tensed at those words because that’s exactly what I told Caron when he needed reassurance, the moment both of us got scared. But when I told him those words in the back of my mind I knew I was going to abandon him. 

I was halfway out the door before Caron could even blink and call me back. I left him alone when he needed me most because I mistakenly believed I should protect myself. I was afraid but I should have realized Caron was too. And unlike me, no matter how terrified he was, Caron stayed. He stayed for me.

“He lied, he never believed me…” Caron sobbed inconsolably. “He was lying when he told me it would be alright. He believed I would betray him like her! Did he ever believe what we had was true? Did he ever think we could really be together? Or was it all just for show? I’ve loved him for so long. Does he feel like he owes me? Did Arrick really love me? Or was he merely pitying me? How could he not trust me when I loved him so much?”

What the fuck? Wait a goddamn second! How could he think I don't love him?

I love Caron and that’s what scared me most. I’ve been used to fake love games with Catriona and experiencing real love was new to me but I do love him, damn it!

I grew arrogant thinking I have him all to myself. I wasn’t prepared for how insecure I felt when someone, who has the power to snatch him away, arrived and tried to take him from me. I should have been more confident, more stable. Caron never gave me a reason to doubt his feelings for me. He’s right, I should have trusted him more. I should have known he would never betray me.

“Oh Caron! You’ve had a very hard time haven't you, darling?” Briana was consoling Caron but her hard glare was directed at me. She knows it’s me he’s talking about. She knows it’s me who hurt him badly.

“It’s okay, darling.” Briana purposely looked away from me and turned lovingly at him. She smiled as he framed his face in between her hands. “I’m going to make it better.”

Briana touched her lips to Caron’s and when I saw him tentatively respond, something inside me shattered. I could have prevented this moment from happening. If I’d been a bit stronger, if I'd been unyielding, this wouldn’t have happened!

Caron told me, time and again, that he chose me. Caron said nothing would change between us. But when he said these things to me he wasn’t aware of the possibility that I would be against him as well. 

I purposely misled him and it led to this damned situation! Caron begged and pleaded with me. He fought hard to keep me, us, together. And while he was fighting that dreadful battle alone, all I did was bid my time. I waited for the perfect opportunity to hurt him. Why?

Briana gently toon Caron’s hand and meticulously guided him back to his room, away from the prying eyes of everyone who heard the commotion. And once there, she locked the door securely behind them. 

I could break the door down. I could force my way in and demand to have him back. But I didn’t. I stood outside the door with my forehead resting on the cool panel desperately wishing I could go back.

I could hear Caron crying through the thick, hard wood. He kept repeating the words I said to him; about us and about Catriona and how I thought he would do the same thing she did to me.

It was a mistake, a terrible and stupid mistake! But Caron doesn’t know that, right now he doesn’t understand. And even if he did, I made him waver. I made him anxious and now he's full of doubts.

Caron cried for hours. Even from where I stood I could hear Briana trying to calm him down. But he was inconsolable. Briana’s softly murmured words made me feel more disgusted and tired of myself. 

How could I have done this to him? I could walk away, pretend I couldn’t hear what was said. I could turn on my heel and leave, pretend I was fine and deal with this another day. 

But I’ve turned my back on Caron, not only once but twice now. I’d be a complete and utter fool if I did it again. I realize I’ve been a coward when it comes to him. I think it’s time to step up and face this head on. No matter how painful or even if I’m too late, I have to see this through.

I deserve to suffer. I deserve all the misery I’m feeling at this moment and more! If I lose Caron, after all this is done, I have no one to blame but myself. I was the one who pushed him away. I was the one who got scared and left him on his own. I was the one who abandoned him when he needed me most. I was the one who betrayed him first.

“He’s calm and is sleeping now.” Briana’s soft voice pierced through my fogged senses.

I don't know how long I stood there, waiting for the door to open. I don't even know when Caron quieted down. I know it’s been hours but even a minute of this madness feels indefinite for me.

I want to see him, touch him. I want to hear him say he loves me again. I want to tell Caron that I love him too, over and over, until he believes it again. But right now, what I need and what he needs are two different things. It used to be the same but I’ve been too blind to see.

“I want to hurt you for doing that to him!” Briana spat venomously. “Caron doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment, not from anyone and definitely not from you!”

I wasn’t surprised to hear such things from her. Underneath that shy, vulnerable façade lies a very cold and vicious she-wolf. I saw a glimpse of it when she protectively held Caron and shielded him from everyone. Right now, in Briana’s mind, I’m the biggest threat to Caron. I hurt her most beloved person and from now on she’d always be wary of me for his sake.

“I know…” I answered silently.

I could say ‘I am sorry’ a million times but what difference would it make? Caron would still be miserable and I would still be wrong for doing something so vile to him.

Frankly, I was expecting more outburst, perhaps even some form of physical attack. But Briana didn’t hit me or berate me more than that. She only eyed me critically before sighing as she leaned on the wall next to me.

“I’m pledged to another wolf from my pack. His name is Cayden.” She started. “You probably know him since he’s our pack’s beta. Honestly, at first I didn’t like him. I don't know when exactly I fell in love with Cayden but when I did I knew there’d be no one else for me but him. That’s the reason why I was so confused when I met Caron and we acknowledged each other as true mates. I love Cayden with all my heart but the instant I saw him, I loved Caron too.”

It’s the same… Caron told me the same thing. But he tried to explain to me that even if the emotion is the same the feeling wasn’t, at least not for him. Why didn’t I believe him when he told me that? Why didn’t I trust his words?

“Cayden loves me too. I begged him to come with me here. I was scared to be with Caron without Cayden's presence beside me. I was angry and disappointed when Cayden said I should go alone, to see how things go. I thought he was giving up on me. I was afraid that Cayden’s feelings for me amounted to just that much. But Cayden held me tight and kissed me breathless before I left. He told me he’s not giving up, he's only giving me space to breathe. Cayden is not worried even if I chose Caron. Do you know why? Because if that happens, Cayden said all he needs to do is devise a way to snatch me back. Cayden loves me and he knows that I love him. Cayden and I, we trust in ‘us’ so there was nothing to fear.”

Fuck! Cayden got it right where I went wrong. The shadow that’s been hanging over me, because of what Catriona did, blinded me from what I should have been focusing on all along. 

Instead of thinking how to let him go and how to live my life without him, I should have been thinking of how to snatch Caron back if or when he gets taken away from me. I should have been thinking of ways on how to keep him happy so Caron wouldn't think or feel like he’s missing out on anything.

True mates are rare and no one fully comprehends or knows the spiritual bonds that bind them together. But it’s been proven that wolves can live their lives without their true mates and still be happy. We could still live full and perfect lives even when we’re marked by someone else. A predestined bond such as true mates is just as fragile as a chosen one. If it was impossible for a wolf to be mated or be happy with someone else other than their true mates then our breed would have died out a long time ago.

There’s a small window, a very slim chance but it’s not zero or impossible. It only becomes hopeless when you give up, when you surrender without even trying or fighting for what you really want. Even when you’ve exhausted all your resources and still come up empty, it doesn’t matter. And even in that moment of extreme loss, if there’s a will to go on, it’d still not be done or over with. It only ends and becomes a tragedy when you give up without trying. 

“Have you made your choice?” I asked, feeling my whole body tremble from anticipation. I’m still scared shitless but it doesn't matter. Nothing else matters but Caron and having him back.

“I love Cayden and I love Caron. I waver from one towards the other when the situation suits me. It makes me sound like a horrible person but it's the truth. Just this morning I love Cayden more than anyone and I want to go home and be with him. But right now I love Caron more. I want to protect him.” Briana explained looking directly into my eyes and I can tell she meant every word she’s saying. “I’m afraid to leave Caron alone as much as I’m afraid to be without Cayden. I think I’m too weak willed to decide. Call me selfish but I’m going to let Caron choose. After all, it is his choice to make as well.”

“I’m not giving up.” I declared firmly, my resolve finally formed.

It might be too late for me to act now but I’m still going to try. Caron is not fully mated and even if he is, I could think of a way to lure him back to me.

Caron said he loves me. He told me to trust him, to trust us, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop thinking about stupid and unnecessary things and focus my energy in winning him over again. I’m going to center all my attention on Caron until he becomes wholly mine and after that, I’m going to make sure he stays with me for the rest of our lives.

I’m a moron. I should have done this from the moment our relationship felt unstable. I shouldn’t have allowed this shit to escalate this far!

“It’s good that you’ve decided,” Briana said. “But I think I should caution you.”

“About what?” I asked.

“My pack and I are leaving tomorrow. It’s time for us to go home.”

“What does that have to do with anything…” 

“After he calmed down I asked Caron to leave with me and stay with our pack until we decide on what to do next.”

Oh gads, please no! I don't think I’m going to like the answer to my next question but I have to ask. “And what did he say?”

“Caron agreed to leave with me.”

I was too shocked to react or say anything. Briana took my silence as the end of our little conversation and silently slipped back into the room. She closed the door firmly behind her and even after she was gone for a while, I could still hear the definite echo of the lock clicking in my head.

He’s leaving. Caron decided to go. Does that mean he’s choosing her over me? But does it really matter? It fucking doesn't! Regardless of his decision, I’m going to win Caron back.

But now I’m in a conundrum. I decided to fight while Caron decided to flee. Should I give chase or leave him some space and time to breathe before going after him? Should I even let him leave at all?

Caron is mine. I know and believe that now. I would not waver or stray from these feelings again. The problem is how do I convince Caron of the fact if he’s not here? I could force him to stay or I could go with him. I could let him leave and follow him after but would he understand? Would he be  fine if I did any one that? 

But then again, all is fair in love and war…

Shit! No! What the hell am I thinking? Of course I should go and follow him. What if I let him go and he doesn't come back? If I follow him and arrive too late? No, damn it! I should trust Caron. He said he loves me so that means he really does. But what if…

This is more complicated than I thought. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I slid down the wall and sat on the floor with hands buried in my hair, my mind reeling. I’m back to what I was doing hours ago, staring at nothing and thinking of nothing but Caron, only this time I think I’m slowly going insane.

Oh gads, I’m so messed up!