“... What?”
Haru felt the grip on his hand loosen, his eyes greatly dimmed, unsurprised with his reaction. ‘What was I thinking? It’s never worth confessing to a friend. Even more, if they love your friend instead.’ He sighed, wriggling his hand free, “Like I said, nothing has to change. I’m not asking for anything and… Don’t worry, it’s not like I’ve forgotten our mission to protect him.” Haru smiled painfully, his eyes staring emptily into Ren’s wavering blue eyes, “My feelings for you won’t bring harm to Fujisaki-san so don’t worry.”
Ren stared back at him, continuing to remain silent even though it was hurting Haru badly. He spoke softly, “Miyamoto… what do you mean you like me?”
‘That’s the first question you ask?...’
Haru could well and truly feel his heart disintegrating, almost letting go of that tear threatening to fall from his ruby-red eyes, sliding down his cheek before being wiped away by his sleeve.
Except.
None of that happened because, why cry over something that was completely within his predictions?
“Haha…” His throat coughed up a dry laugh, “I know what I said.” He gave a dry smile before continuing, “I don’t know if I like Fujisaki-san romantically, maybe I like him as a friend, maybe all I felt was the feeling of someone taking something that belonged to you but my feelings for you, Aikawa, are genuine.” Haru couldn’t call his feelings towards Shin simple. He wasn’t jealous but he was, he wasn’t supposed to be hateful towards him but he was, he was his friend but he was the reason Ren would never love him. His love for him as a friend, his hatred for him as a rival, everything all at once, for two lifetimes he had these warring feelings, but in the end what had it been for?
Haru didn’t know the answer, maybe it was simply because he cared too much about Ren’s happiness than his own, that he would be okay with sacrificing his love just so he could be happy instead.
‘I was the one who found you first, I was the one who introduced you to him so why am I all by myself? Even back then, your eyes only followed him. Back when we were kids, he was the only person you paid attention to.’
“Miyamoto, this… this isn’t right. Are you sure you know what you’re saying? Maybe you’re mistaking how you feel for something else.” Ren shook off his confession, choosing to direct it elsewhere. Focusing on deflecting his feelings, he didn’t notice the lack of light shining in Haru’s once bright, passionate red eyes. “Miyamoto, you know I only see you as a friend so why are you saying this now?”
“Why are you trying to change our relationship?”
‘I just told you, nothing needs to change… you were never listening to me, were you?’
Haru pulled their hands apart, flashing him a perfect smile, biting his tongue to avoid saying anything unnecessary, “I’m telling you something that I’ve kept a secret for so long and yet, you respond by downplaying how I feel… You start to deny the fact that what I feel for you is genuine.” He felt like he was vomiting blood, purposely stomping his heart again and again, only to swallow back his pain, “I’m not telling you to like me, I’m not telling you to stop pursuing Fujisaki-san, I can treat you like a friend. Just like I’ve always been doing but… please. Don’t deny the way I feel about you.”
That single tear he was holding back quietly slid down, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He felt like that single tear was the only outlet he had, the only outlet to express his heartbreak.
“Miyamoto… I didn’t mean to deny or downplay how you feel. I just thought that you are misplacing your feelings for me. After all, if you liked me, then why did you agree back then? Why did you come to this world?”
‘And you’re still doing that… Why does it always come back to him?’
“Because I didn’t want to lose you too. I’ve already lost my best friend, I didn’t want to lose the person I love too.” 1 愛する人 aisuru hito corresponds more to "the person I love" (permanent state) and 愛してる人 aishiteru hito corresponds to "the person I'm in love with" (current condition). Haru is using aisuru hito.
‘And I still like you, so what makes you think I can just forget about you so easily?.’
“Then are the words you told Shin-kun a lie? How can you tell him such… ambiguous words if you never saw him that way?” He paused, seemingly gathering his thoughts before speaking up once more, “Do you really plan on deceiving him?”
‘Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing right now? How do you lie to the person you love?’
“I never said that my words were a lie. They never were. I love him as my friend, and my words aren’t something I need to say when I’m in love.”
Ren stared back in disbelief, as Haru was speaking in a different language that only he could understand. “I don’t understand… Then why? Why did you kiss him if you knew that he was the one that I like?” 2 好きな人 sukina hito is translated to 'the person that I like' but it can also be interpreted as Ren being serious about his feelings and more 'definitive'.
“Someone you like? You’re really throwing everything back at me…” Haru mumbled, his voice barely audible, barely masking the hopelessness he felt, “You can kiss someone without having feelings for them. If you’re so worried about the fact that I don’t like him romantically, then I can be the love rival you want me to be.” He dejectedly smiled, “I’ll be the person you want me to be.”
“So you can win.”
Ren held his breath before letting go of a sigh, “No, that’s not what I meant.” He was quick to grab his wrist once more, pulling him towards their shared room, “Let’s go somewhere more private. It’s not best for us to continue talking in the hallways.”
Looking at his wide back, Haru wanted something to change between them. ‘Is it really that easy for me to forgive him? Is it really alright for me to continue liking him?’ He allowed himself to be dragged back, tugging on Ren’s hand to slow down. He immediately looked back, slowly down his pacing so the two of them could side by side, in sync and in rhythm with each other.
“Thank you…”
“There’s no need to thank me for something so simple.” He used his free hand to gently ruffle his head, although Haru could sense the hesitation and cautiousness behind it. “I should’ve realised this sooner,” he flashed an apologetic smile before saying, “I want to listen to you properly and… I’m sorry for reacting that way.”
“I wasn't being a good friend to you.”
Haru didn't reply, just silently sitting down next to him. Ren didn’t speak up after that, just simply sitting in quiet, waiting for Haru patiently, fiddling gently with his fingers. Haru asked quietly, “What do you want me to do now?”
That wasn’t the question Ren was expecting, “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
'What are you planning to do with my feelings now?'
“Because I like you.”
“How is that a reason?”
“It’s enough for me to understand. You don’t have to.”
Haru glanced at him, who was becoming restless and impatient and yet, still tried to remain civil, taking a short breath to calm his nerves. “Then can you explain it so that I can understand too?” He cupped his cheek, looking straight into his eyes. He could see himself reflected in his red eyes, which were only looking and focusing on him.
His eyes were unusually clear with such bright purity, the corners of his phoenix eyes were slightly red as if it was from teasing him too much. His black hair framed his face perfectly, changing from a cold, distant aura to a kind and considerate person depending on the angle.
All three of them grew up together long enough to see their features slowly change and mature. Although because they spent so much time together, it only became a shock to them how much they did change after comparing themselves back to their baby photos.
When Haru and Ren first transferred to this world, they were under the belief that they weren't going to keep their original features, expecting to see a completely new face when they woke up. Their predictions weren't entirely off.
Their eye colour and hair changed colours, their face was a mixture of both handsomeness and beauty. 3 美人 bijin beautiful person (synonymous with 美女 bijou beautiful person) Basically they're a mixture of both masculinity and femininity (But not androgynous) Although they had no physical body as it was only their soul that was transferred, their original bodies were used as a base, reformed to fit in with the world. It must be the handiwork of their contractor, Haru had an inkling that this contractor was a person he knew. But the question is: from where? And when did they meet?
Haru visibly gave up, trying to release the tension stuck in his shoulders, heaving his chest in exasperation, "How I feel about you is… The way you look at Fujisaki-san is the same way I look at you. And why haven’t you confessed to him?”
“I…” Ren’s words were caught in his throat, unable to answer his question.
Haru smiled sadly, “It’s because you only saw me as a friend. If I hadn’t done anything, or at least tried to deceive you to hide my feelings, if I had just stood on the side, watching my friend get together with the person I like, would you have even looked at me the same way?”
“Would you have noticed me at all?”
Haru never said those words but he didn’t need to. It was enough.
Ren choked on nothing, his throat dry, breaking their eye contact and feeling ashamed at his forcefulness, but mostly at his lack of consideration. Or at least, that’s what Haru was hoping he was thinking. He moved to remove the warm, comforting hands from his cheeks. Those pair of hands that have comforted him countless times but today, they were the source of his distress.
But even so, he really wanted to brush his lips against them, to kiss them, to be the only one who knew Ren but everything was all in his head. Everything was all made up. Everything was not his reality.
Haru was about to remove himself, moving off the bed when he suddenly fell backwards, landing on his back with Ren towering over him. He couldn’t deny that his hopes were raised, that his heart sped up at the possibility of everything changing between them.
“Miyamoto…” His voice croaked out but Haru couldn’t read what emotions he felt.
He wanted to bite back his voice, to stop giving in to him every time but before he realised it, he had already called out his name, “Aikawa..."
He proceeded to stay quiet, going back and forth between saying something before swallowing it back down. His eyes flashed from meeting Haru to the bed that was beneath him, his eyes shut and closed, his hands balled into fists and yet, Haru felt as if he knew everything Ren was feeling.
Maybe it’s because they were the same person who just had different capture targets.
He smiled once more, even though he knew the one hurting the most, would be him once again. “I never told you because I didn’t want to undo something that I spent years trying to cover up. I didn’t want to risk everything we had just for a change in our relationship.”
He dropped his body weight, resting on top of Haru, “But I wouldn’t have turned you away.”
“But you wouldn’t have accepted me either.”
Ren said nothing but Haru could feel the muffled sobs, caught and purposely swallowed back. Haru only continued to talk to ease the pain, “You know when Sakurai-san came into our lives and joined us as friends, I felt so happy because maybe, just for once, I would have a chance with you. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to destroy my friend’s chance at happiness.”
“I couldn’t bear with the idea of you being upset because of me.”
Haru could no longer see his face, but comforted him regardless, quietly patting his head, “I never had a chance to begin with. After all, your eyes only followed him even when you were only regarded as the good friend who was always by his side. Then what about me? The person who was there for you but was never in your view?”
Ren shook his head, denying his words, “Miyamoto, I never meant to ignore you. I just thought you would be there for me and I would be there for you too. I never wanted to make you feel this way, I never meant to hurt you by ignoring you.” He gripped the bedsheets tighter, afraid of crushing Haru under his weight.
Haru simply hugged him, pulling him closer, “I don’t blame you Aikawa. Fujisaki-san is our friend, I wouldn’t put my feelings over him if he needed our support, you know? But the fact that you only had eyes for him made me realise that I could never be with you.”
“But Miyamoto, you know it’s not true. I didn’t know back then. Just because I like him now, doesn’t mean I could never like you. What if everything starts to change now? What if I gave you a chance too?”
Haru didn’t know if he should laugh or cry, why was his heart still bitter even after these words? “Of course you didn’t know. I did everything I could to make sure you didn’t know. And if you start changing everything now, I can’t accept your sympathetic love.” He gave a small smile, he has finally said his true feelings but why did it feel like now, it wasn’t worth a second lifetime?
Ren finally looked him in the eyes, “No! I don’t mean it like that. I don’t mean to make it seem like I’m only giving you a chance because of sympathy… I want to treat you the right way and I’m not forcing myself to do this either…” His voice fluctuated, silently begging Haru to give him a chance.
Strangely, Haru felt like a stagnant pool. These words… How long was he waiting to hear them?
“Aikawa, I can continue to treat you the same way I’ve been treating you all this time so please. Let’s not change anything, let’s not change the way you see me, the way you feel about me or him. Focusing on Fujisaki-san and forgetting about this… is the best thing you can do for me.” Haru flashed a self-deprecating smile, his heart now in turmoil, it was finally sinking in how hopeless everything was.
He pushed him off, firmly moving to leave this time. If he stayed any longer, he would get too greedy. “Stop. You’re not leaving me.” Ren grabbed him once more, locking him in his grip, “Don’t think about him, please… We need to talk about us. This is about you and me.”
“Aikawa, don’t do this to me. Don’t make me regret telling you about this.” Haru paused his words, his tears resurfacing once more, “You and I were never a thing to begin with.”
“No, Haru. Please just listen. I don’t want to end it here.” He begged, strengthening his grip around his waist once more, jabbing into his body. “I don’t want to forget about you.”
Haru brought his hand to lift up his face, so that Ren was finally looking up to him into his eyes. Without warning, Haru brought his face closer, just stopping right before their lips touched. How many times has he imagined this moment? The one moment when Haru thought his heart would finally burst out of his chest, it was strangely quiet and beating regularly. He calmly asked, “Could you ever kiss someone you had no feelings for?”
There was no response, the silence was enough to answer his question. Heaving out a disappointed sigh, he backed away only to be pulled back, crashing their lips together. His head held in place with an iron grip, Haru could feel the hotness spread from his lips to the rest of his body. He could feel the urgency Ren felt, nibbling and biting his lips, trying to open his mouth to kiss him even deeper.
Tempted by the desires and the love he finally received, Haru parted his lips only to be invaded by Ren’s tongue. He felt every corner of his mouth being licked, explored and touched, leaving him breathless and unable to stand properly, causing him to lean onto Ren.
He wished that he would never leave his embrace, he wished that he would always feel his love in every single one of his actions. He just wished that it didn’t come at the cost of his heart.
Even though his heart was conflicting with his head, Haru couldn’t bring himself to pull away from the warmth that Ren gave him. Haru leaned in closer, deepening their kiss, wrapping his arms around his neck to stabilise himself. While he was kissing him, he could feel Ren’s arm sneak around his waist, directing him so he sat directly on him instead of leaning down.
Haru realised what they were doing, it wasn’t right. If he gave into this now, how much more does he have to hurt himself? Once this ends, would he have to keep pretending like it never happened? Would he still have to carry on hiding everything once more?
Pushing him away, Haru stared into his misted eyes, although they were no longer the gentle and kind blue eyes he knew, but one of sharp, predatory light. He really wanted to push him down and go further but the last shred of his reasoning stopped him.
Ren watched him hesitate, going back and forth with his thoughts. Taking it into his own hands, Ren moved to flip him over onto the bed, when he felt a tight grip on his shoulders. Looking up, he saw Haru with eyes that were filled to the brim with unfallen, suppressed tears. Feeling conflicted, he stopped his movements, gently touching the corners of his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears.
Haru could feel the love and care Ren felt for him but how much of it was sympathetic and how much of it was romantic love? And yet, even as Ren continued to caress him, even if it was all sympathetic love, Haru could never hate him. He could never not love him.
He loves him too much that he hates how much he’s willing to go for him.
“Ren, please don’t… Please don’t give me hope, otherwise, I would be too greedy.”
Just a little side note, I've changed it so six years have passed instead of five. This makes Lucius, Darcel and Alexis at seventeen years old and Violetta and Ciel at fourteen years-old. This is doesn't impact the story that much, but I feel more comfortable if they were a little older.
