I woke up the next morning to find myself still very much a wolf. Hm. that usually only happened when it was winter, and the nights weren’t that long yet. I looked out to see the birds fluttering about, jovially singing their songs, with the earliest rays of sunrise peeking out. Nora was still peacefully curled up next to me.
Not wanting to wake her, I carefully extracted my arm from under her torso, then got up and stretched. I felt like I had so much energy, I could go for a run! All the soreness from last night had vanished, probably thanks to my wolf body’s stamina. I paused for a moment. I felt the beginnings of the change back at the back of my mind, and I decided to step back into my room.
It was going to be okay, human me just needed to remember to relax. Tonight didn’t need to mean anything if he didn’t want it to, and if he felt upset, he could talk it through with Nora. After how cool with it she was last night, I hoped she would understand.
As I shifted back, I felt the beginnings of anxiety forming at the back of my mind. What if she didn’t understand? What if I had just taken advantage of her? Fuck, I was too forwards, I couldn’t be trusted with this sort of thing. And my thought loop lasted for so long, I had turned back without changing back into clothes.
Seeing myself naked, I did the natural thing that men do when looking at themselves naked, and ran to the bathroom to uneat last night’s dinner. Once that had wrapped up, I heard a rustling in the bedroom. Fuck, she was awake.
I ran back to my room, slamming the door. It probably woke her up fully, but I didn’t care. I needed to get dressed. She couldn’t see me like this. She probably wouldn’t even want to look at me anyways after realizing what I had done. I was completely out of control, I took advantage of her, I…
And then came the knock on the door. “Selena, can I come in?” she asked.
“I’m not Selena,” I replied, nervously, “who’s Selena?”
Silence, and then a sigh, “look, I’m sorry if I was too much last night. I know you were probably super uncomfortable and just overexcited, and I kind of took advantage of you. I’m sorry and I won’t do it again, just please can we talk?”
Her, take advantage of me? Nononono, she was fine, I was the one who was wrong. I was all wrong. I opened the door and peeked out.
“We can talk, please don’t be upset at yourself though, this is my fault and I’m sorry for being that way last night. I just wasn’t thinking right and I didn’t have my meds and I didn’t even really want this and…”
She hugged me. I went limp into her grasp and started sobbing, and wheezing, and sobbing some more. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I repeated as she made shushing sounds in a calming way.
She looked at me with a look I recognized from somewhere. Oh, right, last night. That look was...love? No, that can’t be right. The look must’ve been pity. Pity for me, I obviously was just a lost werewolf barely in control of his desires. How pathetic of me.
“Hey,” she said firmly, “let’s sit down and talk about it.”
I gulped, nodded, and walked over to the couch in the living room, where she sat down next to me.
“So, you’re one of those lycanthropes?” she asked, inquisitively.
I nodded.
“How long have you been one?”
I thought. Remembering my past was really painful, but finally I spoke up, “Three years.”
“Wow! So is it like, not every month? How come I’ve never seen you like that?” she asked.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Something about admitting to her why made me feel guilty, like I was betraying her trust by lying to her when I moved in. “My meds make it manageable.”
“Manageable?” she furrowed her brow as she spoke.
“Yeah, I mean, it’s like any other disease, you prevent it however you can and deal with it, I guess.”
She opened her mouth, as if to speak, and then put her finger on her chin as she looked at the ceiling, deep in thought.
“That’s a lot like the way people talk about people like me, so I understand,” she eventually responded.
Like her? What did she mean? “Uh, are you like a vampire or something?” I asked.
She giggled, “No, vampires don’t exist, silly! I meant that a lot of people treat me like I’m somehow fucked up just because I’m trans, and that we just live shitty lives coping with our ‘lost ways’.”
“Trans? What does that mean?” I asked.
She looked at me as if I had grown a third eye (which, to be fair, was not the weirdest thing I had grown recently), and then proceeded to explain, “So, I was born in a body that most people would call a guy’s body. But now I’ve done stuff to make my body fit with my internal concept of gender, like meds, that sort of thing.”
I nodded. That made a lot of sense, and I’m glad she did. She looked so beautiful and happy and...wait, what? Beautiful? That wasn’t something I should be thinking right now. Fuck, I shouldn’t be in this mindset, she just revealed something super personal to me.
Sensing my inner conflict, she shifted towards me and gave a lopsided hug from behind. “Hey,” she spoke softly, “it’s okay to be not sure what to think about that, as long as you aren’t hateful.”
“It’s not that,” I replied, moving my gaze down to the floor, “I just was thinking that I know it’s really hard for me, dealing with a body that isn’t mine, and I imagine it must be hard for you. I just feel really out of control, and overly affectionate, and just like none of my worries are really necessary to put all that much worry into, and it’s a headspace I really don’t like, so, um, yeah. I get it.”
She looked puzzled, asking me, “Wait, so your issue with your body, at least in part, is that your anxiety is gone, and you’re more affectionate?”
Well now that she put it that way, it sounded kind of silly. I gathered my thoughts and replied, “I mean, I guess it’s not a huge deal for me at the time? But afterwards, once I come down, I just think of myself doing that and I’m absolutely disgusted with how I acted, like, if it was human me in those situations, that just wouldn’t be okay.”
She nodded, and hugged me. “I understand how that could make you feel uncomfortable. If that’s really how it makes you feel, we don’t have to do anything tonight.”
She was being so thoughtful and kind and I, for once, didn’t mind being hugged. When it came from her, it felt warm, and reassuring, as if she cut through my anxiety to make me feel all fuzzy inside. After a few seconds of that, she remarked, “You know, it just seems like that’s a lot like what dysphoria feels like for me, especially early on in my transition. I could do up all my make up and put on a dress and look like a girl, but when I got home, I would just take it off, and look in the mirror, and see all the masculine features and feel like an impostor.”
“Wow,” I replied, “I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.” Boy, was I lucky I wasn’t dealing with that. Sure, I didn’t like being a boy, but no guy did. She was dealing with a full-on mental mismatch between her body and her mind every day. I tightened my embrace around her.
She seemed unsatisfied with my response, but she didn’t say anything more before stretching and getting up. “I have class at 12:30, I should really get ready.” I nodded, I had chosen a light course load that was heavy on other days, so I didn’t have class today. I went to the kitchen to make a bowl of ramen, like I always did. Huh, when I looked at the noodles, I felt like they were...missing something. I turned to my roommate and asked, “is it okay if I add some of your bacon to my noodles?”
She nodded, as she walked back into her room and closed the door. Mmm, bacon. As it sizzled in the pan, whose teflon had long since been worn off by overuse, the microwave with my water in it beeped, as I poured it into my noodles. As the bacon finished up, I greedily scarfed down all three strips, before realizing I had entirely forgot to put any in my noodles. Weirdest of all, I didn’t feel the least bit hungry for them.
I decided that that was enough adventure for one Thursday and went back into my room to browse my phone.
I'm glad to see this update again! I think this chapter is really cute.
Awww I'm glad! I was so nervous and now I feel like I finally have the confidence needed to post what I've already written
I was just thinking about this story the other day, I'm glad you updated it.
Thank you! I'm glad I did too. Re-reading all this has been really reaffirming, along with all the lovely comments I get like yours <3
Thanks for sharing the chapter! This chapter is great, it's the perfect follow-up to the last one. I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes, either.
I totally get being anxious about posting stuff. Actually, I have to thank you--reading your end note encouraged me to upload a fanfic I wrote over a year ago but never posted anywhere.
Thanks again for the chapter, and I look forward to reading the rest that you have written.
Go for it!!! You go!!
This story is so adorable, but I totally get the anxiety about showing it to people. If it helps at all, everything you've written so far is amazing and I'd love to hear more!
As it sizzled in the pan, whose teflon had long since been worn off by overuse
Don't do that! If your teflon-pan is scratched up, throw it away! It's carcinogenic and trust me, you do NOT want your food touching that...
I did the natural thing that men do when looking at themselves naked, and ran to the bathroom to uneat last night’s dinner.
Wow, I've never read an egg quite like *that* before. That is one heck of a powerful image. Seeing your naked body fills you with such disgust you literally vomit? And you think that's NORMAL? Holy shit. It tracks with the character though, I mean they already transform into a girl once or more a month but they completely dissociate while it's happening. Looking forward to reading more of this.
This chapter and this series are great, thanks for posting more :3
As the bacon finished up, I greedily scarfed down all three strips, before realizing I had entirely forgot to put any in my noodles. Weirdest of all, I didn’t feel the least bit hungry for them.
She is becoming carnivore.
Hmm. I don't hate this story but this really feels like some false equivalency.
The MC from what I can tell is... being overwritten. Is the other person happier and more confident? Sure absolutely. But if I was in the MC's position id be nearly catatonic. These are clearly two separate personalities here. One of which seems to be for all intents and purposes being altered/replaced against there will.
Even if whoever is going to come out the other side is happier... can we really say that this isn't completely and utterly horrific from the MC's perspective?
I absolutely don't intend to say that being trans and suffering from dysphoria isn't a terrible experience. But I am not sure this is on the same level. The argument could be made that from the MC perspective a body snatcher is taking over them.
That is a great point, and I think that's a common trope in trans literature that needs to be deconstructed. However, I believe that I do a legitimately good job at deconstructing the issue (spoilers, somewhat), for one, and for two, your personal experience will not translate to the experience in fiction. I can understand if your reservations with the story disrupt your suspension of disbelief, but I don't think that is an issue with the integrity of the story or the main character being overwritten.