The dreams of a lonely daughter
<Chapter 3> Fear and feelings

<<Reyleigh Adele Silverarm>>

Sometimes I wonder if dreams ever have any meaning or if they’re just messed up recollections of a person’s recent memories; I had a strange dream.

It was about a small white rabbit and a large black bear who lived together in harmony at the edge of a dark forest. Every day the rabbit would go out and forage for food while the bear acted as a guardian. They lived happily together for many years, until one day the black bear disappeared without any warning. Frantically the rabbit went out to search for it, but no matter how much it looked there was no sign of the black bear. The rabbit grieved and cried, shouting out into the void with its lonely voice for the bear to come back home, but no matter how much it screamed and yelled the only thing to return was the echo of its own loneliness.

The rabbit hopped around aimlessly and without the will to live. It wandered through the dark forest hoping that some merciful predator would eventually come to put it out of its misery, but what it found instead was a small grey kitten and a tiny brown puppy. Two defenceless, young creatures who looked as though they had nowhere to go. So the white rabbit called out to the two and asked if it would like to come with it. The two animals looked at each other then wordlessly followed the rabbit back to its home. The white rabbit found a new reason to live.

The rabbit’s lonely little abode had regained the lustre of companionship and felt much more comfortable to live in again. It was still sad without the bear, but perhaps now the rabbit could finally let it go and find peace with its life’s newfound purpose. They enjoyed many, many years together and the rabbit watched as the two grew into fine adults that it could be very proud of. The kitten was now a ferocious but calm tiger, and the puppy had grown into an arrogant but cool wolf. The rabbit rejoiced at their transformation, but it felt a little conflicted because now that the two had become adults it might leave their nest in search of families of their own. Still, having lived many years and gaining maturity itself, the rabbit was prepared to let them go with a smile.

Yet, before their sweet farewell, something else had appeared in the forest. A great dragon. A massive, scaly black dragon whose wings alone eclipsed the sky, and its roars could shake the very foundations of the heavens above. In its eyes there was only war and death. It opened its gargantuan maw and let loose a fiery hell upon the forest and all its critters. The rabbit watched as the dragon destroyed its home and came for the tiger and the wolf, but before it could rush to their protection, the rabbit itself disappeared.

There was nothing after that. What happened to the tiger and the wolf? The dream ended there, so I don’t really know. Though in all likelihood this story doesn’t end with a happy one.

*
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*

When Reyleigh opened her eyes she half expected to wake up in the afterlife, but fortunately it looked like she was still very much alive. The familiar scent of medicine permeating through the room meant she was probably taken to the village’s clinic run by Crest’s parents. On both sides of her bed were her two childhood friends who had dozed off while waiting for her recovery. She chuckled lightly and found it rather cute how tightly they were clinging onto her arm; on the left was Crest, quietly nodding away--even his sleeping posture was prim and proper--and to her right was look, drooling onto the bed sheets with a lax face. While it was a little uncomfortable she couldn’t find it in herself to let go of their hands.

Somehow noticing she had awoken her father rushed into the room, “Rei! Thank god you’ve come to. How are you feeling?”

“Dad!” The moment she saw his handsome countenance she felt a rush of relief. Having struggled against some strange and unreasonably powerful monster, she could only feel safe if she was near one of the most powerful people in the entire country. “I’m feeling a bit light headed and everything’s still a little sore,” she reported. It wasn’t much of a surprise considering what she just went through, or rather if this was the extent of her injuries she might be considered very lucky.

Her father sighed as he ruffled her hair a bit. “Well, that’s to be expected. Crest’s mother said you had several broken bones and were badly bruised, not to mention that large injury you received after covering for crest. Most of it was healed through magic, but it’s not perfect so there’ll be a lingering sense of weakness for a while.” Healing magic of course existed, however there were always limitations to it. For example, it wouldn’t regenerate a missing arm, nor would it be able to replenish blood so bloodloss can oftentimes be fatal. “Luckily there’s no real danger to your life, but the injury on your back is likely going to become a permanent scar.”

“If that’s all then it’s fine,” said Reyleigh. Even in her previous life she never really understood why girls hated skin damage so much. If anything she thought having a scar was pretty cool, like a badge of honor which held some history. “Speaking of which, what happened to that monster? Where’d it even come from?”

“That thing,” her father’s expression grew grim as he let out a sign. “It’s dead. As for where it came from… the village elders are organizing an investigation into the forest to figure that out, though personally I don’t think they’ll get any real answers. Not only have I never seen a monster like that, I can’t imagine it naturally originating from the forest--that grotesque thing. If I were to put my money on it, someone deliberately let it loose.”

“Hmm,” Reyleigh wasn’t really one to entertain conspiratorial ideas, but like her father said, the monster was a complete abomination and possessed no natural qualities. Most monsters at least resemble or reflected elements of the environment it originates from--apparently it had something to do with how environmental mana interacted with monster development, or something but it was all above her head. “Is someone creating monsters or something? I didn’t even know that was possible.”

Her father remained silent on the matter before shaking his head, “it’s best you don’t put too much thought into it.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” she agreed. The monster was dead, that’s probably all she needed and wanted to know.

“Reyleigh!” Woken up by the chatter of their conversation, Crest’s eyes shot wide open in a frantic panic. “Are you all right?!” He rushed forwards and latched onto her shoulders while staring uncomfortably into her eyes. He had such clear blue eyes, regal in their lustre like soft, glimmering sapphires. It was the first time she’d taken such a direct look into them. His face almost appeared to be on the verge of tears if she didn’t tell him she was going to be okay.

“I’m fine now,” she responded with an awkward smile. “Your mother already took care of me, but thanks for worrying.”

In spite of her words he continued to study her complexion and body state until he was satisfied she wasn’t lying. “Really? I’m glad,” with a long sigh of relief he fell onto the small stool next to her bed. “Sorry.”

Reyleigh tilted her head to one side, puzzled by what he meant. “What for?”

“Because, you had to protect me at the end,” he answered with an uneasy voice. “I’m so powerless,” he gritted his teeth and tightened his fists in frustration. The young boy cursed himself just as Reyleigh did when she believed there wasn’t a way to win against that abomination. She could see the anxiety in his eyes and the uncertainty of what could have been if they made any mistakes back then. It was only pure luck they were still alive. Even now--completely safe--when she thought back to it her heart wouldn’t stop trembling. Her father stepped in and placed a firm hand over her head and gently stroked it to calm her nerves down.

For the sake of the boy she swallowed her fears and smiled back, “that’s not right,” she said. “It’s because you were there I managed to survive for so long.” Whether he believed it or not, in her mind Crest played a pivotal part in their success--this had been how she genuinely felt.

Yet, Crest remained unconvinced. He was too young to understand that his mere presence was what allowed her to push past her limits and eventually force a way to success. “You don’t have to cover for me, I know I was nothing more than a burden from the start,” he painfully admitted. “But, can I ask you something?”

“Hm? Sure, what is it?”

“Why did you do that?”

“Do… what exactly?”

“Why did you risk yourself and take that attack for me? You could’ve died,” his shoulders trembled as he spoke. “I want to know what was going through your head as you made that decision. What could’ve possibly compelled you to make such a fatal mistake.”

“Mistake? I don’t think it was a mistake,” Reyleigh denied. “In this world you’re one of my two most precious friends--people I’ve come to cherish dearly--and in a way you’ve become a necessary part of my existence, so of course I’d do anything to protect you.” She tried to laugh it off but seeing the serious glint in his eyes she elaborated on her point. “In the first place, I wasn’t really thinking anything, you know? My body just acted on its own accord, and by the time I realized it we were in that situation. But, that’s not what you want to hear, right? I suppose if I had to put it into words, then… I was desperate.” As tragic as it is, this was the first time she ever had true friends in either lives--it was something she’d always been desperate for but could never make. So when she finally found the treasure she was looking for she wanted to hold onto them forever. The thought they could disappear or die was beyond what she could bear; she couldn’t live with that possibility. “I really wanted you to survive by any means.”

“You wanted me to survive…? No, I… I don’t understand that!” Crest violently denied it as he bolted up from his seat. There was confusion in his face; he couldn’t comprehend what she was saying as though she were talking in a foreign language. “But you were scared, right?! Even if I survive, what does it matter if you yourself don’t?! People don’t just make selfless decisions like that! No, no, no! They can’t, so how could you?”

“Crest?” Reyleigh reached out to him but her hand was suddenly slapped away.

“Ah! Sorry,” he apologized once more.

Rather than rejecting her, it felt as though he was trying to come to terms with an idea foreign to him. To be honest, Reyleigh knew very little about the Crest from before he came to this village. To her he was simply a calm and collected boy with a soft smile and agreeable personality. A little too mature for a kid, but that was part of his childish charms to seem like an adult. He was a friend who would always go along with her whims and never say no, but knew where to draw the boundaries and kept her in check. What was his life like before? How did people treat him? What sort of people were around him? She could only take a vague guess at those, but without knowing the details she could only tangentially surmise at the origins of his distrust towards people. It’s likely there was nothing she could say that would satisfy him at the moment. “It’s going to be okay, Crest,” she told him in that familiar, soft tone. “It’s okay.”

Small drops of tears fell quietly along his cheeks. “I like you,” he suddenly confessed, “but because of me you had to go through something horrible. Even worse, you ended up with a permanent scar on your back. What can I do? What should I do?”

Much like herself, the boy too was coming to terms with gaining something so precious to him that he had become scared of the possibilities. Being a novice, Reyleigh wasn’t able to properly advise him in the same way an adult would, but she tried in her own way. “The scar? It’s not really a big deal. Don’t worry.”

“Not a big deal?” He asked wiping away his tears. “That’s not right, it could seriously affect your marriage prospects in the future.”

“Heh, if a man was going to reject me because of a scar then I’d say he wasn’t worth my time to begin with. Let me ask you, would you turn me away because of it?”

“No!” he protested loudly. “I’d never…”

“See? It’s not a problem.”

This time he appeared to have accepted that logic. “I suppose. I wouldn’t want anyone who rejected you over a trivial matter like that being near you either.”

“Right? Besides, marriages and boyfriends aren’t something I’m thinking about at the moment,” Reyleigh shrugged.

“But that’s not the only thing,” he continued. “Don’t you hate having it? From now on, every time you look in the mirror you’ll be reminded of having to fight against that nauseating monster. Wouldn’t it be better off forgetting such a horrible memory?”

Reyleigh thought to herself for a moment, and then suddenly undressed her top which exposed her bare, under-developed chest. Crest was brought to a panic by her bold moves and quickly turned his gaze away with a bright red blush. She then shifted her body so that her scar would be facing him and asked, “Crest, what do you see? Is the scar big or small?"

Crest slowly turned back with one eye closed and examined it. “It’s… it’s quite big.” For a moment--just a slight fraction of a second--she felt a perverted sort of rush hearing a small boy say that, but quickly cleared her mind of unseemly thoughts.

“You think so?” With a calm smirk she began to explain her point of view. “You know, the world is very big. So big that we could spend our entire lives trying to figure it out but never reach any real conclusion. So vast that in comparison our lives are insignificant. So immense that I sometimes can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be able to make an impact in my lifetime. At least, I believed so until I got this scar.”

“What do you mean?”

“It means this is proof--a badge of honour--that I can indeed affect the world even if it’s just a small part. It was because I acted I was able to save you. Because I acted I was able to buy enough time for my dad. Because I acted no one had to die. That was all my decision--me--and this scar is the physical manifestation of the consequences and success. Think about it, we were able to pull through crazy odds in that terrible situation and the only repercussion is just this single scar, isn’t that amazing? What I’ll feel when I look at this in the mirror isn’t fear, but affirmation. I’m not useless--that I have power to change things.” She stared back into Crest’s eyes and asked once more, “so, let me ask again: this scar, is it big or small?”

Crest remained silent, unsure of his own answers. “I don’t know,” he replied.

“Scars aren’t something to be afraid of,” she said as she glanced towards her father who was riddled with them all over from the many years of his history. Behind each of his scars was the potential to die, but thankfully only ended up with a bit of skin damage. “They’re merely the result of a good outcome.” Her father slowly nodded with a smile and agreed.

“I’ll think about what you said.” A child who only saw the world one way was now being shown there was another way to view things, but unlike Reyleigh he was a true child and would take a lot longer to be able accept things. This was fine, as he grew up he would have the chances to find new ways to look at the world and expand his horizons--that was what it meant to be a child. “Also, there’s one thing I forgot to do,” he said as he stood up and placed his hand over his chest and bowed slightly. “I, Crest, thank you for the bottom of my heart for saving me.”

Reyleigh was taken aback for a few seconds, but was happy for it nonetheless. “No problem,” she replied in a casual tone and threw a thumbs up.

“Reyleigh!” after having slept through it all, Lute finally woke up and shouted her name. “Why are you topless?” was the first thing on his mind as he noticed the strange situation.

“Oh, I forgot about that,” she replied as she put back on her shirt in no real rush.

*
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*

Starry night, cold midnight air, and being princess-carried by the strongest knight in the country. There was something about this situation which could be desired, but for Reyleigh she felt only a bit of embarrassment and the rest was buried by melancholy. She had survived a terrible encounter, and while she should’ve been happy about that, there was a part of her which held her back.

Fear. Terror. Despair. Dread.

She was scared. So scared she could break down at any moment, but in front of the kids she couldn’t do that--she was the adult. But now there was no need. She tightly clutched onto her father’s collar and buried her face into his chest as a wave of tears quietly flowed out. The things she told Crest were her true feelings, but it wasn’t everything. “Dad, I was scared,” she admitted softly. What person--even an adult--wouldn’t have been terrified with facing their mortality? Having experienced death once before she knew exactly how horrific it was.

“You did well,” he told her as he gently patted her on the back. “You did very well, more than I could ever ask for. You were strong, brave, and kept your cool in front of the others. I’m proud of you.”

“The… the monster was so strong,” she continued to weep. “The only thing I could think of was to make sure the other two survived, but I couldn’t do anything. I keep thinking, what if everything went wrong?”

Silence filled the night as Ark carried his daughter to their abode. He was never good with words--only fighting--so the one thing he could tell her was this, “Rei, thank you.”

“What for?”

“For growing up so strong. I know I haven’t been the best dad; I always leave you alone even though it’s clear you don’t like it. Still, you go along with me and understand my circumstances--I’m able to laugh and smile as I am now only because you’re here for me. Though you may act a little strangely sometimes, I believe there’s no better daughter I could ever ask for.”

“Why are you suddenly talking about that?”

“Haha,” Ark chuckled to himself solemnly. “No reason, but when I saw Crest thanking you I thought I should also show my appreciation.”

“Stop that, you’re embarrassing me.”

“That so? Hahaha… still, I believe it’s something that should be said. And Rei, there’s nothing you can do about the past, however the future is always open. Thinking about ‘what ifs’ is an important part of the process but it should always be followed by ‘now what?’. Use your past experiences to become stronger; fate can only control your life so much, the rest is up to your own hands.”

Reyleigh thought on his words. It was much easier said than done, but when she remembered back to how her life used to be before being reborn she felt she did use those past experiences to better herself here. She wasn’t the morbid shell of a person, but a real human trying to live life honestly. Her father was right.

Having finally realized how much of a child she was acting like despite being an adult inside made her face flush in embarrassment. The only response she could think of as she cooled her head in the quiet breeze of the midnight wind was, “thanks.”