23rd of April, dead of the night. Just outside Happyland Asylum.

 

“Cut yourself, slap that piece down, and be done with it!” hissed a wiry crook.

His blubbery friend hesitated. “B-but what if I get tetanus from the knife?”

“Oh.” The wiry crook leaned back, blinking. “Shiiiet. Hadn’t thought about that.”

“Right? The hospital is closed a-and Big-Tom’s banned all ambulances!”

“I hadn’t thought you were that DUMB!” The wiry crook shook his friend by the collar. “Tetanus smetanus my ass! Big-Tom’ll put that knife thru that bucket of yours if you don’t do as he says.”

“B-but ah’m scared!”

The wiry crook snatched the knife, slashed his friend’s palm, and wetted the fancy piece of cultivator paper.

“Aaaaaah! It hurts!”

“Man up. Jeeeesus.” He wrapped the talisman around a rock and threw it over the Asylum fence. “C’mon. Let’s leg it before that dude appears.”

His friend covered his mouth and screamed, pointing at the rock.

Red engravings flashed around the talisman. Eerie laughter emanated from the rock, wafting in the air like whispers of smoke, conjuring demonic visages. Night blackened as stars winked into blackness. Streetlights became red and air thickened with mist. All around them, smoky ghosts of demons rose from the ground.

Two shot straight towards the pair. The wiry crook couldn’t pull out his pistol in time. 

The demonic spirit entered through their eyes and ears. Their bodies contorted, limbs cracking in extra angles. Shadows merged with their bodies, twisting them into hound-like demons with glowing scarlet eyes.

Two howls greeted the Demon-Eye moon as it blinked into the void-black sky.

 

***

 

23rd of April, an hour later. Happyland Asylum, break room of the patient ward.

 

“Awoooo!” Nelly howled, giggling. “AWOOOOO!”

The demonic creatures howled back from the other side of a steel door. A cacophony of clawing and growling followed, as if they tried to dig their way through the concrete wall.

In one corner, seventeen patients, one lunch-lady, two orderlies, one nurse, one doctor, and Mr. Maxson huddled behind a barricade of furniture. The others had fallen victim to lesser demonic spirit possession.

Roughly twenty-three of those beasts of crimson fire and shadow now stalked the corridors of Happyland Asylum. Since they could naturally utilize demonic Qi, each had power on par with a second stage foundation realm cultivator. Not quite superhuman, but a notch above my current strength.

“Are we doomed?” asked Jasmine the nurse, her voice quivering.

“He’s going to do something, I’m sure,” said one of the orderlies.

“Titan’s one of them isn’t he? One of them cultivators,” whispered someone else.

I closed my senses from the world, assessing the situation.

The simplest way to defeat the demonic spirits was by creating a protective Chad formation around the Asylum. However, it was a task which required me to meticulously craft idealized Chad totems and sprinkle them at handsome angles around the yard. While simple, this method was not very Chad-like and had a low yield of Big-Dick energy.

To maximize my growth, I needed to tackle this situation like an alpha.

“Stand back friends,” I said to the people of Happyland. “I will handle this.”

Though Gigachad sect focused on overwhelming strength, we did have techniques to bolster our versatility. Immediately upon opening the door, I unleashed a combination of two Alpha cultivation techniques. I released a dominant shout to announce my presence, and, by straining my eye-muscles to their absolute limits, activated [Eyes of the Alpha]—a powerful presence technique, which allowed me to maintain fierce eye-contact with every single demonic beast in the room simultaneously.

The pack of demonic beasts leapt back, hissing as their backs arched like those of frightened kittens.

Already, I could feel a steady trickle of Big-Dick energy passing through me. I channeled what I could into my muscles, for I needed every advantage for what was to come next.

“Come on kittens.” I spread my arms wide, striding forth with the swaying swagger of [Eleventh Alpha Walk] technique, which I further empowered with a trickle of Big-Dick energy to completely dominate my surroundings. “Bring me your leader, and I’ll show him who’s in charge.”

A chorus of growls surrounded me, then a concert of awoos. Nelly’s voice joined in from behind me.

Then, footsteps of something incredibly heavy.

Thump. The hallway trembled. 

Thump. Electric lights flickered.

Thump. It came into view.

An animated shadow of red and black. Tendrils of its mane tickled the ceiling. Its eyes bled liquid light of scarlet and malevolence. Its mouth zipped open in an asymmetric snarl of primal violence. Demonic Qi saturated the hallway around it, visible as a mist of bloodlust, which distorted light.

This beast was beyond the second stage foundation realm. It was  atthird, if not at the fourth stage. It was a mature demon hound—the alpha of its pack.

Growling a long undulating rumble, the demon hound approached me until its muzzle all but touched my nose. 

Its fur writhed madly as the creature met my stare. A duel between alphas was proposed and accepted.

In the blink of an eye, its maw was as wide as a doorway and snapped at me.

Circulating the initial boost of Big-Dick energy, I twisted aside and employed [Down Blyat] the secret taming technique of Strjonk Ivan's, the third head of Gigachad sect, slipping behind the alpha hound’s back. My legs locked around its throat to ride its back. 

This enraged the beast. It leapt around the narrow hallway, bashing me against the ceiling and walls, howling as it attempted to claw at my legs. But I held tight.

It bolted, accelerating like a sports car. Doorways flashed by us. Window shattered against my face and chest with sharp cuts. And I held on.

Cold night air whistled past us. The beast raced around the Asylum yard like an unholy child of an insane bull and acrobat on speed. It twirled around, smashing me into the grass, rolling us through gravel and dirt, and finally ran through a concrete wall. I tasted copper. My skull was banged around, held together only by last dregs of leftover energy. I held on.

We crashed through walls.

We scaled the Asylum and leapt down from the third floor.

We danced all night long to a song of violence.

Hot streams of blood ran down my muscles, soaking my pants. My body was covered in cuts. However, I persisted, and prevailed. I channeled every drop of Big-Dick energy I had into my thighs, maintaining a tight guillotine choke, until, finally, I heard it.

The alpha demon jerked its neck backwards to throw me against a tree.

Crrrunch.

Its neck broken, the beast fell limp and sloughed onto the ground.

I placed my foot on its head and assumed a powerful pose of victory, whilst staring down the rest of the pack. “Submit,” I said.

Whining and whimpering, the demonic hounds pressed their heads to the ground and bowed. I felt another influx of Big-Dick energy and cycled it through my wounded muscles to empower my healing and growth. It wasn’t as effective as combining Big-Dick energy with exercise, but I had a crucial task to accomplish tonight that could not wait.

I knelt beside the closest demon hound, lifted its muzzle with my palm, and established deep eye-contact with the demonic spirit.

I leaned closer.

Closer.

The demonic spirit quivered.

“Boo,” I whispered, utilizing the [Fear Fears Alpha] technique.

A flash of red and shadows exploded outward from the beast and splattered around the ground. On the floor before me sat a wide-eyed blonde patient with suppressed anger issues. Laura was same as she’d always been, except for her red irises and slit pupils of a demonic cultivator.

“I was dreaming...” Laura muttered, blinking away tears. “Was I…”

“A demonic spirit has possessed you.” I stood up, moving onto the next beast. “But fear not. Once I release the other patients, I’ll teach you all a simple Alpha cultivation technique to dominate your inner demon. You will overcome it, and make its strength yours.”

The demonic possessions turned out to be a true blessing.

Strength of Happyland Asylum grew by eighteen second stage foundation realm demonic Qi practitioners, and three demonic beasts, which I leashed and kept outside as guard dogs. With the [I Am My Master] technique of Alpha cultivation, the formerly possessed patients would surely continue to strengthen their demonic cultivation, until they hid the innate limits of the demonic spirit, though that wouldn’t be a problem for quite a while.

Furthermore, my body continued to gather pure Big-Dick energy the whole night, causing my regular cultivation routine to increase in effectiveness hundred fold!

My body rippled with muscles and power.

My jaw was beginning to show hits of sharp square angles.

I was approaching the second stage of the five stages of Outer Chadness. The Jaw Reformation stage, a truly challenging step befitting of its noble name, for to conquer the Jaw Reformation stage, an Alpha cultivator must break enemies upon their chin.

I required volunteers willing to shatter their fists upon my altar of progression, ones with fists mighty enough to trigger Jaw Reformation.

 

***

 

Sometime later. M*C Donalds near Happyland Asylum.

 

“He ‘rode’ a demonic beast?” Feathered Blade asked, keeping his palms together and mannerism composed.

“Saw it with my own eyes.” Big-Tom, though outwardly a mighty boulder of a man, was as distasteful as the rest of Terran mortals. And ever since the night, he’d only further cultivated that disgusting aura.

The man reeked of alcohol. Neither the man nor his uniform had been washed in three days. His eyes were hazy, barely open. His mannerism was that of a subdued squirrel.

“A freaking greek statue… No. Fuck… I don’t know what that man was. Fucking Kratos, Doomguy, something.” Big-Tom, with shivering hands, failed repeatedly to place a cigarette between his lips and light it. There was a pile of forty-three unlit ones at his feet, and it kept on growing. 

Big-Tom continued, “The guy must’ve bled a barrel and he was alright. He was laughing. Those demons bowed at him. Bowed! I’m done. Please, please, please let me be done, honored Feathered Blade. I don’t want to die.”

Feathered Blade glared at Big-Tom with utter disappointment and disgust. He scoffed. “I shall meet this Titan Maximus Chad myself.”

“Chadman.” Big Tom pointed his gaze down, bowing in kowtow. “Apologies, honored master. The person’s name was Titan Maximus Chadman.”

Feathered Blade, by sheer force of will, restrained himself from decapitating his inept subordinate twice. He congratulated himself for showing such mercy, and gestured for Big-Tom to leave his presence.

“Bring him a message from me, Feathered Blade, inner disciple of the Humming Blade sect of Northwind Alliance. Tell him…” Feathered Blade crooked his fingers, smiling smugly. “He’s invited to come swear his submission to me personally, three— No. Make it two weeks from now. Tell him, that he shall accept this unconditionally, or paint himself an enemy of Feathered Blade!”

 

***

 

Two days after I tamed the puppies. Happyland Asylum courtyard.

 

I was outside, recovering my body, and slowly cultivating my arm muscles by playing fetch with my three demonic beasts. The tall one’s name was Bane, the smart one’s Batman, and the quick one’s Tyson. 

Despite my efforts to convince her otherwise, Nelly wanted to participate in the fetch, though she did not fare well against demonic hounds.

Not until all three leapt over the fence and ran after a screaming gangster, barking and tearing the gangbanger’s clothes.

Nelly returned to me with the stick, and a proud smile. “Meow!”

“Very clever, though that is not what the dogs say.”

“Awooooo!”

“That’s a wolf.”

Batman dropped down from the tree near the concrete fence, walked up to me, and spat a mush of paper at my feet. He sat down, tail wagging expectantly.

Hm. I leaned down and picked up the drooly piece of paper. I squinted hard, utilizing an incomplete Alpha cultivation technique to intimidate the paper back into shape. Without Big-Dick energy, my technique only managed to somewhat dry the letter. Enough for me to grasp the gist of its contents.

I smiled, and drew a deep breath of fresh autumn air. One fortuitous encounter after another.

Was this Qi cultivator not aware of the dangers of challenging an Alpha cultivator? Of the inherent disadvantage it put him in?

Did he not know that he was presenting me a perfect opportunity to gather incredible amounts of Big-Dick energy? Luckily, the Dao of Chadness does not forbid me from being unfair to my enemies, and thus, I began preparations.

I whistled sharply. "Batman, Bane, Tyson. To me. I have a task for you."

Nelly took the last spot on the line, meowing.

"Not you Nelly. Not yet."

"Meoooww...."