When I was ten, I studied a particular section of the H*-Man figurine containing the historical clash between the Thousand veteran Chads led by Chadicus Chaddimus and the Multi-Level-Cultivator Karens of Herbal Pills For Beauty And Health. Entire countrysides and cities and even Chadicus Chaddimus, despite being one of Fifth head’s closest bruhs, had ultimately fallen to the heinous power of Karen techniques. But, in his final dying breath, he’d left us the secrets to the power of the Karens and the key that ultimately led to them becoming endangered species.
Despite their rareness, a single wild Karen was still not a foe to be underestimated.
To pull it off Chadicus Chaddimus’ trick, I had to face her with extreme patience and keep my cool.
“Hellooooo?! I’m right here. Are you not even going to greet me properly? This… Hah! Unbelievable. People these days.” The Karen continued blurting out her outrage while approaching. Dao resonated with each of her words, translating them from cultivator gibberish into the universal Karen-tongue, which forced itself to be understood.
I limbered my arms, cracked my neck, and went down to do push ups.
She shrieked, waddling towards me at alarming speed. “How DARE you ignore me? I am speaking to you right now, young man! You are obliged to listen to me. Get up. Get up, right this instant or you won’t like the consequences.”
“Bruh, let us—”
“Stay back!” I warned Maxman, who’d begun to approach us. “Run inside and hide. Don’t open the doors.”
Thankfully, Maxman picked up Dese Nuts and sprinted off before the Karen could launch at them. She banged the Asylum door for a few moments, but returned to me when no-one answered.
“You will tell your superiors to let me inside, right now,” she said, glowering beside me whilst I continued my push ups.
“I’m exercising,” I began, picking my words carefully so as to not directly address any of her demands. “And by the way, you’re blocking the Sun. Move.”
I let Big Dick energy empower my command into a note that left a lingering rumbling in the air.
Karen stepped back, gasping, eyes wide. “You absolute buffoon dare to tell me what to do? I will have none of this.”
Air rippled and the Realm of Dao chose that moment to explode. I assumed a protective posture to shield myself. The Karen spun on her heels and began to berate the Dao Storm for invading her personal space, causing it to give her a wide berth. When the reality melting storm faded, and she was just about to launch another attack, I spoke without directly addressing her.
“What a nice weather it is for exercise! Mmm-mm~ I do love doing pushups after a good Dao Storm. Reminds me of how the Karens cultivate Toxic Attention energy, which is generated by acknowledging the outrage of a Karen’s emotions and intentions. The best method of countering such tactics is to continue on with your day to deprive them of Toxic Attention energy, while looking for an opportunity to strike them with a hard hitting Bruh Wisdom, when they least expect it.”
“CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!” She yelled, face red. “Seeesh!” Karen gasped with outrage, intoning her words as if she was giving me detention with each syllable. “Unbelievable. Are you threatening me, young man?”
I ignored her provocation and started to see how many claps I could do between push-ups. “Hup. Huyp. Hup.”
Hands on her hips, she glared pure murder at me, her face seething with impotent Karen-ness.
I continued my push-ups.
My best ended up being hundred fifty two claps in a single push-up. It came down mainly to clapping speed
“Pah! Fine.” Karen sighed, rolling her eyes as her tension faded. “You have me figured out, hun. I will cease my attack for now. Just my luck to run into a Dao damned Alpha Cultivator. Hold on for a second, I need a pick-me-up if we’re going to engage in fair negotiation.”
She produced an ornate pink pipe from her leather fanny pack and lit it up, smacking as she sampled puffs of ostensibly purple smoke. Her scowl relaxed into mild annoyance. “Phuaaahhh. Haahh. That hits the spot.” She pulled a few more drags as I stood up, her eyes following my movements. “Relax, hun. I’m not gonna bite. [Full Karen Mode] activation isn’t instant. Regardless of what they may have led you to believe, we are, as a matter of fact, still capable of having normal constructive conversations. I just want to talk.”
“I find it hard to believe after your earlier assault.” I kept my senses honed in on her Dao, waiting for her to launch into another Karen attack.
She tapped her pipe, dropping ashes on the lichen mat crawling all over the mountain-top. One of her sharp painted-on eye-brows quirked. “Mmm-hm? Well try spending a few centuries as a Karen in a world that’s being corroded by the Realm of Dao. Let’s see if you approach people with a handshake or a fist. You wouldn’t be the first Alpha Cultivator to pick the fist, nor the fifth. And by the by, this would be a good time to introduce yourself, hun.”
A bait. I wasn’t going to bite. “Rule two of battling Karens. Never give them your name. What do you want?”
Her gaze switched to Happyland and back. “A place to rest. Food. Service. Nothing special and nothing that I’m not willing to pay for.”
I saw right through her facade. The Karen wanted me to ask about the fifth head of the Gigachad and feed me a trickle of information, while she sucked me dry of resources. Two could play this game.
“Aren’t you interested in how otherworlders such as us came here?” I asked.
Scoffing, Karen wrinkled her nose. “Dao Storms wash drifters here every now and then. Seeing as you’re still here, you’re as stuck as I am.”
Liar.
If we were a common occurrence, why would she have gone through the trouble to find us? This world still held civilized places. Caricaturized population would still acquiesce to demands empowered by the Dao of Karenhood and service her just fine. I got the Big Brain tingles that she was after something in Happyland, though I lacked the knowledge to puzzle out her exact goal.
I smiled at her. “Alright then. Let’s trade.”
Karen’s face snapped into a plastic smile. “Thank youuuu so much, hun. Let’s go. We’re wasting my time standing here like buffoons.”
When she took a step towards the gates of Happyland, I blocked her path. “Wait here.”
“Hmph. Fine.” Karen pulled a cushioned chair from her leather fanny pack. “But you’d better not make me wait all day.”
***
Of course, I did make her wait all day.
Part of it was due to having to give the folks of Happyland a quick run-down of how to deal with Karen cultivators. Whilst popular opinion demanded her to be punched in the face, that tactic does more harm than good against the more advanced Karen cultivators. Surviving violence only feeds their warped justice boner and can lead to an unstoppable Toxic Attention loop.
Another good chunk of the day was spent checking the inventory for items that Karens might covet.
However, most of the evening I spent shooting shit with Nelly and Maxman, stalling the inevitable meeting with Karen just to irk her.
Was it a Chad thing to do? Absolutely. If some stranger doesn’t appreciate your time, you are more than entitled to not appreciate theirs, no matter how much they might screech.
At nightfall, I returned to find Karen shouting into a Qi-powered communication stone, asking to speak to someone’s sect leader. Her eyes darted to me and she shut the connection. “Ah. Don’t mind that. I had to top up my energy levels.”
“Right.” I laid down the enormous sack on my shoulders. “Let’s get to business. Show me everything you have, and I’ll show you what I’ve got.”
“I suppose you would assume that to be fair. Hm. Very well…” She unclipped her fanny pack and emptied it on the ground. I let the tarp I was using as a bag spread open and reveal the goodies I’d collected, and made her gasp with wonder.
I’d brought out Laura’s seven cans of blonde hair-dye, Timothy’s hairspray, Mr. Maxson’s wig collection, lunch lady’s spare undergarments, Dr. Edelfelt’s nail-polish collection, Tibby’s pergamont & peppermint essential oils, a pair of leopard pattern sunglasses nobody claimed as theirs, black belly-button t-shirt with ‘I Am the Queen’ written on golden glitter, and a cell phone linked to a high level Candy Cr*sh account.
“Such powerful artifacts…” The Karen’s hands ghosted over the assorted goods. A tremor shook the cellphone as it resonated with her Dao on a symbolic level. “The world you came from must be the promised land of Karens.”
I shuddered to imagine it. Cultivator Apocalypse was nothing compared to what would happen if the Karen Sect established themselves on Earth.
“You carry surprisingly many cultivation resources,” I said to deflect the topic.
Though I couldn’t properly sense Qi, I sensed a springy scent similar to Nelly’s in five lime-green elixirs. There were also various vanilla scented elixirs that Karen explained contained pure-Qi, as well as three cinnamon scented vials brimming with potent demonic-Qi. All of those combined could easily multiply Happyland’s overall combat strength by ten or more.
Besides the cultivation resources, she had an impressive collection of magical artifacts: An assortment of bejeweled canes oozing Spank energy, various leggings enchanted with protective Karen energy, and a whole heap of cheap looking metal tupperware labeled ‘Bigger On the Inside’.
I definitely wanted some of these, but knew she was holding back.
“This can’t be everything. I don’t believe that a Karen cultivator roaming a world abandoned by the cultivators wouldn’t have looted their leftovers.”
“Are you accusing me of theft now?” She asked jokingly.
“Merely implying that a Karen would appropriate ‘what she deserves’.”
She chuckled at that. “Fine. I do have a stash of loot elsewhere, at a secure location. But I’m not here to barter for them.”
“Alright. How about these, these, and these for the vials. You can have the rest of this for… eighteen pairs of black or gray leggings and one spank stick.”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t like the butterfly barf pattern—”
“Single colored ones in black and gray, thank you.” The women of Happyland would likely rather lose their legs than wear those.
The Karen pretended to be miffed, but let her glee show when we completed the trade and I handed over the goodies.
We took a moment to pack our purchases, before she finally brought up the real reason she’d come to check out Happyland.
“I will take a shot at the stars and be frank with you, Alpha Cultivator, hun. I’ve grown weary of surviving in this two dimensional hellscape of a world. I want out. No. Don’t interrupt me yet. You don’t have a way to leave, I know. But I do. I know the location of an unused Portal Formation built by the cultivators for their latest Voidflight, but it’s guarded by the demented echoes of cultivators who failed to activate it. Powerful as I am in the ways of Karenhood, I would rather not risk fighting them alone. Now, I know this is not an ideal partnership, but I nonetheless offer you a deal. Help me clear the portal site and discover its secrets so that we may both leave this realm behind.”
I contemplated the offer. As likely as this was to be a trap, the opportunity to take pictures of the cultivators’ Portal Formations for my friends to study would be a giant leap towards us returning to Earth.
And thus, I did what no Chad had done before.
I extended my hairy hand towards the Karen, clasped her hand, and gave it a firm shake.
“Deal.”
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