Working out in the humid jungle made for a fine impromptu sauna gym. And the Crown and the Blade both made for fantastic weights once you got creative about them. I used the Crown to do tire flips and tossed the Blade around with traditional log throwing techniques.

Karen complained about the relatively slow pace we moved at, but I suspected the real reason for her grumpiness was her new phone running out of battery. We weren’t in a hurry, and I wasn’t going to generate enough Big Dick energy to casually fling the Dao treasures about with a Karen and the jungle as my audience.

Besides, I was going to need all the sweating I could get if I wanted to save the Fifth.

***

Three days after Nelly’s man went to adventure, on a funny rock formation on the Happyland Mountain.

“Hooooo…” Laura exhaled dramatically, weaving her arms into an embarrassingly cool pose around herself, with one palm over her face. Her voice came out deep and determined, as she shouted, “Insane Sistaaaahhh!”

Nelly clicked the opening tune on, right on time, as dark wisps of scarlet Qi bubbled out of Laura’s back. They swelled with the quickly building tune, rising from an amorphous hump into a humanoid silhouette looming behind Laura, and, with a burst of demonic-Qi, exploded into the form of a dark-red straitjacketed and blindfolded amazon woman with shark-teeth.

As the chorus was about to hit its peak, Nelly brought out Herbert.

“I hope you believe in the afterlife, Herbert. End him!” Laura whipped her hand around to point at poor Herbert’s smiley face.

Insane Sister’s arms bulged and ripped open the straps of her straightjacket. She let out a demonic roar, lunging over Laura’s shoulder to unleash a barrage of punches. A few seconds of punishment reduced Herbert — a log with a face drawn on it — to splinters and sawdust.

Laura wiped dust off her shoulder, glaring dismissively at Herbert’s remains. “Good grief. How did you think you could match to my stando powah?”

“Cut! AAAAAAhhh!” Nelly tackle-hugged Laura, practically vibrating from excitement. “YESYESYES. So cool. More! I need more! Did you get it?” Her head whipped to Riko.

The petite girl’s sharp dark hair wobbled as she nodded firmly. Her eyes remained glued to her camera, where the scene played on repeat. “Um. Yes. It looks… good. In my opinion.”

Nelly rushed over to have a looksie, gluing herself to the smaller woman’s back. She started laughing again, overjoyed by the coolness of Laura’s powers. “Hahaha! Good stuff, Riko! Why hasn’t Maxman brought you over more often?! We totally needed a third non-elderly girl here.”

“Um. Well. It may be because I’m not insane, and Happyland is an Asylum?”

Nelly bent backwards with laughter. “Hahaha! Yeah! But you totally fit in!”

The girl smiled awkwardly. “Uh… Thank you?”

Laura sighed, frowning at Insane Sister as she retreated back into the blonde’s back. “Still couldn’t get her to oraora.”

“Who cares about oraora, your power is cool. So on theme for Happyland too.”

“Right.” Laura grinned back at her. “‘cos straitjacketed shark-girl amazons are sooo Happyland.”

“They are!” Nelly managed to elicit an extra giggle from Laura by doing her best ‘rawr’ shark impression, which delighted her greatly. She loved spreading giggles.

“Hey. Uh. I know this sounds selfish, but…” Riko paused as they looked her way, fiddling with her camera as she gathered her thoughts. “Would it be possible for me to get one of those magical pills? It’s not that I wish to hog resources, don’t misunderstand me. I simply feel… Everyone in Happyland is constantly doing something to help. Organizing. Repairing. Gathering resources. And I’m an idle film student waiting to hang out with my BF or you two. I’m nothing but a burden here.”

Nelly’s grin tightened into a sympathetic line. She glanced at Laura, who thought for a moment, before sighing helplessly and shaking her head.

“Yeah. Sorry, Riko, but nope. It’s too dangerous. We don’t have anyone who can teach us the basics. Heck, the only reason I can do anything is ‘cos of super lucky bloodline thingamajig and Laura got herself cursed into a demon doggo. We haven’t had anyone do real cultivation stuff yet, just cheats and short-cuts.”

“But, the way I understood it, those pills from Karen were general purpose?”

Nelly shook her head. “Prolly not a good idea until you get the basics. Safe enough for us to take ‘em, since we already have a solid base.”

One of Karen’s lime green essential elixirs was already in Nelly’s tummy, radiating a comfy warmth through her. As the winds whisked ambient nature Qi past them, the happy colors of spring stuck to her like pollen to bumblebees, widening the meadow of Qi within her and deepening its roots. But despite having by far the largest Qi reserves in Happyland, Nelly had almost no clue how to use her powers.

Her Qi allowed itself to be poured out, and could cause flowers to grow on just about anything. It was also probably the reason she could chat with animals. Oh yeah, and it had tamed Bonko.

But overall, she’d been too busy goofing around and “catching up” with her man to focus much on her own powers.

So yeah, she understood how Riko felt.

Nelly hugged the smaller woman, sighing. “Sometimes, I feel like a big water bucket too. Don’t you worry though, we’ll find someone to teach you, and us! That’s why we’re in Xianxia landia in the first place, right?!”

“Uh.” Riko looked skeptical. “Aren’t we here because we were… thrown here?”

“Naah.” Nelly dismissed the claim with a hand wave. “Kinda yeah, but naah. How we came here doesn’t need to define why we came here, if that makes sense. We’re here to cultivate. To learn cultivation and bring a whole…” Nelly stretched her arms as wide as she could. “...giga-buttload of secrets back to Earth! I know! Let’s recruit Dese Nuts and go on an adventure to find a teacher. He’s been itching to go meet local girl-squirrels. It’s perfect. We’ll accomplish two goals in one go. Oh, we can grab Grog too, and maybe the dogs. And Bonko of course.”

“Are we allowed to?” Riko asked.

“Pffft! Yeah? If we aren’t needed to keep Happyland standing, we can do whatever we want to help the cause.”

“That sounds quite… chaotic.”

“That’s how we roll, baby!” Nelly stated with pride.

A twelve meter tall sword of some funky aquan-blue metal embedded itself on the lichen top of the mountain. An equally oversized crown followed suit. Nelly’s nose twitched at the familiar sweaty musk of her man, and bolted into a sprint.

“Afternoon friends! We’re back—”

“TITAN!” Nelly slammed into his chest.

Titan grinned down at her, lifted her up by the hip, and laughed alongside her, both of them overcome with joy of reunion. There was much hugging, some kissing, and a little bit of inappropriate handsyness. Oh tonight was going to involve a lot of passionate ‘catch upping’.

But first things first, “Hey, Titan. We’re gonna go on an adventure. Any idea where we could find someone who teaches cultivation?”

Titan glanced at the Karen behind him, then back to Nelly. “Actually. We’re going somewhere that might have surviving cultivators. You can come along part of the way, though before we go, I’m going to need to call an assembly of all the romance experts of Happyland.”

“Why? You’re plenty romantic already.” Nelly kissed his stubbly cheek, eliciting a cute chuckle from Titan.

“Thank you. It’s not for me. We need a plan to cure an Alphahole.”

***

The day after, at the Alphahole Research Reader circle, which took place in Mr. Maxson’s old office.

A total of seven romance novels with protagonists matching the Alphahole description lay open on the table, each full of post-it-notes and underlined passages. On one end of the table sat Dr. Edelfelt, on the opposite: Hellen.

The other six occupants of the room were quiet, as disagreement seethed between the two women like a polite neighborly grudge.

“W-w-we need to t-t-trigger the Grovel somehow,” said the middle aged lady, her demonic Qi boiling in her shadow.

“Respectfully, I disagree. A ‘Grovel’ event has no basis in modern psychology. Our patient seems to be expressing traits of possessive narcissism, combined with a myriad of other infantile characteristics stemming from issues of self confidence. The correct approach would be to address his lack of empathy and need for admiration. Though I may be biased, my first thought would be to apply Maxson & Edelfelt school demonic-Qi Psychotherapy to help him recognize and acknowledge the issues in his behavior, followed by Edelfelt’s perpetual mindfulness illusion to force him to address his inner demons.”

Hellen kept on wrinkling her lips with frustration. “T-t-this isn’t… isn’t a patient. H-h-he is Alphahole. Alphaholes must Grovel, b-b-before they are redeemed.”

I raised my hand to halt Dr. Edelfelt’s reply. “Keep in mind that we’re talking about a possessed Alpha Cultivator. A former head of the Gigachad sect, a being who has walked deep into his Dao. What works on humans may not work on him. To ensure success, we’ll prepare both memetic and scientific approaches. Hellen, how would you pull off this… ‘Grovel’?”

“W-we could set up a reflection of his situation. A moment where the Alphahole sees someone being just like him, a-and how it makes the other man’s partner miserable. O-or something where everyone working with him confesses how they hate him.”

“Hmm… So, in either case the key is to make him admit a character defect.”

Hellen nodded. “T-then h-he will transition into Alpha-male.”

“And hopefully recover his Chadness.” Though I dared not imagine how much Alpha cultivation progress he had lost. If the Fifth had been acting as an Alphahole for decades… he would be entirely starved of Big Dick energy. A grim thought.

“Now I would hate to be the voice of disagreement,” said Karen, looking smugly joyful about getting to crush others’ plans. “But that’s not gonna work, hun. The Ghost of Alphahole has had ages to gather echoes who swoon over him. He is sitting on a bank of asshole energy, and ain’t nobody, and I do mean NOBODY, of his underlings going to dare to talk about how horribly he behaves. And the acting plan? L a u g h a b l e. The only ones here who can survive his presence techniques are myself and this Chad here, his ex and his grand-successor, two people he is all but guaranteed to recognize no matter our disguise.”

I frowned. Karen had a point.

“Um.” Seated beside Maxman, Riko raised her hand. “If I may suggest. What about filming the confessions in secret and projecting it for the Alphahole to see?”

Karen looked confused, her Dao unable to translate some of the words.

“Let’s try that,” I decided, nodding. “I trust you to prepare the necessary equipment.”

“Hey good job Riko!” Nelly cheered from the corner, where she was reading comics. “Riko go, Riko go!”

The girl blushed, twiddling with her hair.

Maxman grinned at his girlfriend, nudging her and leaning in to whisper a Chadtastic encouragement. He left to help carry Riko’s stuff and a few minutes later, we called the meeting adjourned, though Dr. Edelfelt insisted on staying behind to write the meeting minutes, something she’d started doing ever since Mr. Maxson’s tragic caricaturization.

Everyone split up and got to their tasks. We had a long day of preparations ahead of us, possibly two, three if necessary. Considering the Fifth’s last known location was over a thousand kilometers south of us, we had to make sure we survived that journey there and back, and that there would still be a Happyland waiting for us, when we returned.