"Philosophers, for the most part, are constitutionally timid, and dislike the unexpected. Few of them would be genuinely happy as pirates or burglars. Accordingly they invent systems which make the future calculable, at least in its main outlines." ~ Bertrand Russell

By the dim blue light of the nearby nebula, Taisiya rifled through the woman's jewellery box. The woman, Yael, lay asleep in bed at the other end of the stateroom. She was a good fuck, thought Taisiya, though maybe needs to work on her stamina a bit.

She lifted out the diamond choker that had caught her attention at dinner. Fitting her molecular loupe in place, she examined it: there was randomness at the smallest level, tiny inclusions, and plenty of subtle wear and tear. It could have been done in a matter compiler, she thought, by someone skilled and concerned enough, but the chances were that this was the genuine article. Not that it mattered, really: Taisiya could print one off easily enough, but there was social cachet in having an original. Or stealing one.

There was a lurch as the ship accelerated. An unprofessional lurch; the captain wouldn't put their passengers through even a minor inconvenience for no reason. The crew may be volunteers, but there was a lot of competition, and they took it all deadly seriously. 

Taisiya quickly put the choker in her pocket, along with the loupe. She was glad that at least she'd had the sense to put her light trousers on. 

The ship lurched again.

"What's happening?" asked Yael, confused.

Taisiya didn't know, so didn't reply. Through the window she saw a dark shape against the nebula. It was so black, it was hard to make out any details, merely that it's – roughly ovoid? – bulk was gaining on the Spirit of Equanimity very fast. Two tendrils – tentacles? – shot out, and Taisiya felt the hull shudder. Something has attached, she thought, though that was speculation. 

All the lights went off, all of them: the faintly glowing perimeter lights, all the indicator lights, and the door lights. For a moment, the only illumination was that of the nebula, oddly broken up by the black shape. Then the lights came up, a soft red, and the ship's comms system turned itself on.

The hologram showed what appeared to be a throne, or at least a substantial command chair. Around it were display stands carrying jewels and paintings, other trinkets that the low resolution holo image did not pick up. In the center of the throne sat a tall woman, composed, legs crossed, hands in lap. She was wearing a sharp uniform in black with rather too many buckles.

"Greetings, passengers of the Spirit of Equanimity " said the woman, "I am Captain Rajani of the Black Squid, and I will be your pirate for today."

The holocamera zoomed in on her face. Taisiya applauded the judgement. Her knife-like jaw, expressive lips, faintly aquiline nose, and dark, dark eyes were captivating. 

"Do not worry," she said, "No-one will be harmed unless they misbehave. None of you are worth it as hostages, so a little light thievery, and the Patrol will pick you up, as right as rain, in a few days."

The holocamera turned slightly, showing a layer of lumicircuitry under her mid-brown skin.

"Only, don't make me irritated," Rajani said, "That never ends well."

The holocamera pulled out and away, lingering for a second on a cat o' nine tails resting on the arm of the throne, before cutting off.

"Pirates!?" exclaimed Yael, at least as much excited as she was afraid. "But why? Why steal, I mean?"

"It's space," Taisiya said, "It's still scarcity-led out here. Fuel and matter compiler supplementary material, in particular, are hard to come by."

Plus, it's fun, she thought.

"So what do we do now?" asked Yael, plaintively. 

"Just wait, I suppose," Taisiya said. She had already checked the door: locked, with no easy way of getting it open. I have got to get aboard that ship, she thought, though she could not say whether it was the jewels or the Captain that appealed most.

*

Eventually the door opened, and five figures entered the room. Four of them were robots, androids or – in fact – gynoids, as there was something in the black polycarbonate figures that vaguely suggested women. In the middle there was a human, a pirate presumably, though only the trousers seemed to be uniform. The crop top looked freestyle, though Taisiya supposed pirates weren't very strict about such things.

"Good evening, ladies," said the woman, "Sorry to disturb you. Just checking for valuables."

She touched the side of her glasses and looked around the room.

Taisiya leaned casually against the wall; actually against the section of wall that contained the room's computer hub. There was a chance that the hub's electromagnetics would shield the choker from notice. Especially if the pirate was looking elsewhere. While Yael had got dressed, Taisiya had remained in just her trousers; it wasn't as if a shirt would help her, but her tits potentially could.

"Hey, pirate, do you have a name?" she asked, fixing her eyes on the pirate's.

The pirate laughed. She was a little short, and definitely curvy, but her eyes, behind old-style glasses, seemed oddly cool.

"Najla," said the pirate, tucking a stray piece of wavy hair under her hairband.

"I'm Taisiya," she said.

"Well, I'm pleased to meet you, Taisiya," said Najla. "Sorry about all this."

"Nah, it's fine," said Taisiya, "So, anyway, how do I go about joining the pirate crew?"

Najla laughed again. "Just the jewellery box," she said to one of the robots. Then to Taisiya, "You don't know what you're wishing for, babe. But we very rarely let outsiders in, especially now."

The robot was going through the jewellery box, examining each in turn, before discarding it into a neat pile.

"I'd be prepared to…" said Taisiya, taking a step closer to Najla, "Work my passage."

"Ha, babe, you have no idea," said Najla, "But, no. We always get a couple of people wanting to join the pirates, but they don't have the right… predisposition."

"Najla," said one of the robots, making Taisiya start (and causing Yael to jump), "Cursory examination shows the subject is in the highest quadrant for both physical and mental aptitudes."

The voice was clearly robotic, perfectly modulated, but with a lot of artificial warmth.

"Keep it in your pants, Moniker," said Najla, good-naturedly. "Find anything?"

"This topaz ring is apparently genuine," said another robot with the same voice. Najla held out a cloth bag. 

"But…" said Yael, clearly now wondering where her diamond choker was.

"Sorry, lady," said Najla, "I daresay that ring belonged to a late great aunt, or something, but the Captain really likes historical shinies. Get yourself a matter-compiled copy; it's absolutely as good."

"I had…" began Yael.

"So," Taisiya said, talking over her, "Shall I put you down as a soft maybe on the me-becoming-a-pirate front?"

Najla laughed again, stepping closer, then reaching out to touch Taisiya's cheek. "Oh, babe, I really want to teach you… but no, hard no." 

At some signal the door opened. "I suggest the two of you play pirates until the Patrol gets here," said Najla, "All the pleasure that way, and none of the pain."

Najla and the robots left, the door sliding shut after them.

Taisiya quickly slammed the edge of her palm into the wall, and tore out the door control panel. She watched the 'lock' signal come in, but it had no way of communicating with the door's magnetic locks.

"Tai!" said Yael. Taisiya ignored her, she was waiting to see if anyone noticed either the sound, or the door's failure to lock. But there was nothing. 

"Is your hand alright?" asked Yael. Taisiya glanced at her hand: she had expected to at least break a nail, but no, her hand looked scuffed but undamaged. "Guess these walls must be softer than they appear," she said. She waited, giving Najla plenty of time to complete her room-to-room searches. 

The door might not be locked, but that didn't mean it was easy to open. Taisiya eventually managed, using a couple of spoons from their late dessert as levers. Yael had lapsed into confused silence, staring out of the window. Once the door was wide enough to slip out, she did so. 

The spacious and well-appointed corridors of the Spirit of Equanimity were completely empty, sinister in the emergency lighting. She made for the ballroom on a hunch; it was a wide open space, with outer walls on three sides. A good gathering point.

Taisiya stayed in the shadows and peeped through the ornate doorway. She'd come to the right place. There were about fifteen robots, and three humans, one of which was Najla.

A muscular woman was supervising a trolley full of fuel cylinders, and a blue-haired woman was checking on some crates of matter supplements. Najla was emptying the bag, moving the pieces to a small case.

The opposite wall had a hole in it, precisely circular; indeed, with the remains of the wall cookie-cut below. A slight glitter showed that an environmental shield was in place. The hole led into blackness, but Taisiya guessed it was one of the tentacles.

"You've got the matter crates in order, Riin?" said the muscular woman. She wore a fitted uniform, and Taisiya was getting the vibe that she was in charge.

"Yes, ma'am," said Riin, presumably. She was very attractive, Taisiya thought, but unthreatening.

"Anything good, Najla?" said the muscular woman.

"A few bits," said Najla, "But nothing spectacular."

Okay, thought Taisiya, that's my cue.

She walked into the room. She got a lot further in than she expected before one of the robots spotted her.

"Unsecured passenger," remarked the robot, mildly.

Riin and the muscular woman made surprised noises.

"Shit," said Najla. 

"As I said to Najla, I want to join the crew," said Taisiya, taking the choker out of her pocket, "And I brought some diamonds as a boarding fee."

"How did you…" said Najla, "Shit. Look, babe, I've said no."

A robot approached Taisiya, holding out its hand for the choker. She handed it over: there was no point resisting. The robot examined it. "It is genuine," it announced.

"Right," said Taisiya, "So, do I just go through that tunnel or…"

"No," said Najla. "Not again, not after what happened last time."

"What our engineer is trying to say," said the muscular woman, "Is that we're a small crew and we're not looking to take on any extra people at this time. Additionally, we have a bit of a hierarchical structure, which you wouldn't fit into. Well, I assume..."

"Yes," said Najla, some of her old assurance coming back, "Exactly. Riin, would you be happy sharing your workload?"

"No!" she said, "Definitely not, ma'am."

"Exactly," said Najla, "New recruits always start at the bottom, and that position is occupied."

"By me!" said Riin, both smugly and unnecessarily, in Taisiya's opinion. Now she looked, Riin was wearing a silver collar. Okay, so these pirates were also some weird sex cult, she thought, but that didn't stop them having treasure / the Captain's razor-sharp chin bones. 

"So, yeah," said Najla, "Better go back to your cabin, babe."

"I'm not sure," said the muscular woman, "Maybe we should ask the Captain."

"A good thought, Lieutenant Brigita, though it could have done with arriving sooner," said a voice that Taisiya recognised from the comms. She couldn't see the source, but she guessed it was from a speaker concealed on one of the robots. "I have been following the situation," the Captain's voice continued.

"Er, hi, Captain," said the muscular woman, Brigita.

A hologram appeared in the middle of the floor: the Captain, easily eight feet tall. Taisiya thought she caught a glimpse of a woman lying behind her feet, but the Captain stepped forward taking her out of the holocamera range.

"How exactly did you miss a diamond choker, Najla, and how did our passenger escape?" said the Captain, or, rather her hologram, focused on Najla. 

"She…" began Najla, "...I don't actually know, Captain."

"I could tell you," Taisiya said, "In exchange for a place on your crew. And I don't mind starting at the bottom."

"Dear Najla," said the Captain, not acknowledging Taisiya, "We will have to schedule some time to work on your perceptiveness. Moniker, have we captured all the internal feeds from the Equanimity ?"

There was a "yes", but over the holocamera feed, not from any of the local robots.

"I don't do deals," said Captain Rajani, finally turning towards Taisiya, "We will find the answer ourselves in the post-engagement briefing."

Maybe she could tell her now, or offer to help at the briefing. No, she thought, no deals. 

Taisiya dropped to her knees. Desperate measures, she thought. "Please take me aboard your ship."

The hologram stalked forwards, the Captain's crystalline gaze examining Taisiya. "Why do you want this? You have a comfortable life here. Certainly more comfortable than aboard the Black Squid."

Taisiya paused for a second. Jewels and Rajani's beautiful face. Impulse, really. She'd always been impulsive and determined. "Since your broadcast, since I saw your beautiful face," she said, laying it on thick, "I want to be wherever you are."

"Hmm," said Rajani, features guarded, "Your request deserves consideration, at least. Unfortunately, I demand a unanimous vote on this, so I suspect you'll be out of luck."

The Captain turns her attention to the others. "Well? I vote yes. Nada excuses herself from voting."

"I also vote yes," said a robot, Moniker presumably, though Taisiya thought it was a bit foolish that they let it vote.

"I think it's stupid and unnecessary, and she's a show-off, and people should say no," said Riin, "But I fucking agree with Nada that we shouldn't get a vote, so I abstain or whatever."

"Well, I say yes," said Brigita, "Sorry, Riin, but it makes a lot of sense. Balances the team."

"Oh, great," said Najla, "You leaving it to me to veto? No. Look, she's attractive, probably got the diamonds past me by distracting me into thinking about what I would do to her. But no, it's too soon after what happened to Ji-Eun, I am not going through that again."

"Najla, what happened to Ji-Eun wasn't your fault," said Brigita, "And I agree that it's too soon. But we don't get suitable candidates very often."

"Suitable?" said Najla, "She'll give up as soon as the S quid's airlock closes."

"Only one way to find out," Brigita said, "And at any rate it will take our minds off Ji-Eun."

"I have thought you'd want the woman who made a fool of you to be aboard ship," said the Captain. Taisiya thought 'made a fool of' was a bit strong.

"Fucking fine," said Najla, "I'll vote yes, but you better have your apologies ready for when it turns out I'm right."

"Excellent then," said the Captain, "Now could we hurry up and complete our thievery please? We're over time."

The hologram winked off.

Brigita walked over to Taisiya and offered her a hand up. 

"Well done, you're on the crew," said Brigita, returning to the fuel cylinders. Two robots approached her.

 "What usually happens is we…" Brigita started, but Taisiya was looking at Riin, who had pulled a snub-nosed pistol from her belt, and was aiming at her.

"Riin," said Brigita, wearily. 

Taisiya tried to dodge, despite knowing it was pointless trying to dodge beam weapons. 

Everything went white.