JANE

The Adventurers Guild overflowed with light, warmth, and noise. All of that got cut off the moment the thick front doors eased closed behind them, leaving Jane and Quill in the quiet darkness of the street a few hours before dawn.

She was feeling good but also very drunk. Her head buzzed and swam. Her eyes kept closing, but when they were open, everything was blurry. Her body felt loose and free and if her legs weren’t entirely helpful in holding her up, that’s what she had Quill for. She happily leaned against him and her knees buckled under her.

Quill, his arm lightly around her upper back, dropped his hand lower and grabbed her tight, preventing her from falling.

She felt his fingers press against the underside of her breast. Feeling naughty, she turned her body and pressed her chest into his side. “I think I’m tipsy.”

He snorted. “No. You’re hammered.”

“Just a wee bit tipsy.” She held a wavering hand up in front of her face, finger and thumb close together. And almost smacked him in the face.

He leaned his head back while trying to get a better grip on her because she was sliding down his body, legs really unhelpful at the moment. “Ok, there’s no way I’m going to put you up in a tree tonight. You’ll just fall out.”

“Like you!” She laughed. “You’ll probably look at my pussy again on the way down. And fall out. Like last time!” She laughed again.

“Right… Good thing we have money. Let’s find an inn.” He looked up and down the street.

She blinked at a pool of orange light across the street and pointed. “Whash that?”

Quill half-led, half-carried her across the street.

A rough wooden sign had been nailed to a white plaster wall over a stout door.

Jane squinted, trying to read. “The Wander-Wanderininn…The Wandering Inn!” She frowned and looked up at Quill. “Whash that there before?”

“Uh, I didn’t notice it.” His lips quirked up. “Maybe it wandered over on its own at some point.”

She gasped. “Magic.”

“Shall we wander in and get a room?”

“‘K.” Tired, she closed her eyes and sagged into him.

“Hey! Wait to sleep until after we get you a bed.” He hefted her up and got a better grip on her before hauling her forward.

She felt his hand under her boob again and slyly grinned to herself, liking it.

They got through the door and found themselves in a small foyer with a desk and doors to the left and right. The foyer was small and there appeared to be lots of small openings in the walls and ceiling. A nude, female hobgoblin sat in a chair, her dirty feet on the front desk. Her skin was grass green and her ears long and pointed. She had fat breasts, a bit of a paunch, and was engrossed in a book. 

The hobgoblin eyed them sideways, looking both bored and aggravated by their presence. “Yeah? What you want?”

Jane drunkenly stumbled away from Quill and put her eye up to one of the openings in the wall. She was pretty sure an arrowhead stared back at her. Neat. She spun around, which really aggravated the spinning in her head. “I shink there murder holes.” Her legs suddenly became really shaky.

Quill leaped to her side and caught her in his arms before she could fall on her face. He turned to the hobgoblin. “Uh, do you have rooms for rent?”

She rolled her eyes. “You stupid? Is inn. What you think?”

“Rooms for humans?”

“Not for you. You too stupid. You go away.” She waved him off and returned to reading.

He stepped forward, half dragging Jane. “We’d like a room for the night. Two beds, please.”

The hobgoblin’s red eyes rose from the pages of what Jane was pretty sure was an erotic romance novel with a centaur and a pretty, human woman on the front. The eyes narrowed at Quill. “You goblin killer?”

“Uh, no?”

“You adventurer?”

“Yes.”

“But you never kill goblins?”

“Only wolves. And a bear. A moss bear.”

“Hmph.” She sneered. “You rookie. You gonna kill goblins in the future?”

“...no...?”

“No?”

“Only if they try to kill me first?” He frowned back at her. “Why is a there a goblin in a human city, across the road from an adventurer’s guild?”

The hobgoblin looked around him at the door, and her eyebrows rose in mild surprise, but she showed no fear. She shrugged. 

Jane felt pressure building between her legs. She squirmed and tilted her head up to Quill, whispering probably really loudly. “Quill. I have to pee.”

He gave the receptionist a pleading look. “Please?”

The hobgoblin woman glared. Then she huffed and sat back in her chair, returning to her book. “Room 204. One silver each. No breakfast.”

“Thank you.” He fished in a pocket for the coin pouch. 

He’d been carrying both their money tonight once Jane had started drinking to make sure she didn’t lose any. Not that she’d needed it. Plenty of guys had wanted to buy her drinks tonight. She might have excepted one or three. Or more. So friendly. 

“Quill. Pee!”

“I know, I know!” He leaned her against the front desk so she could hold herself up and hurriedly slapped two silver in front of the hobgoblin.

Green fingers with long, painted nails snatched the coins away in a blink. Her red eyes once more bored into Quill. “This goblin-friend inn only. You kill goblins, you turn ears in for quest reward, you no longer goblin friend. No more come to inn. And we be watching you.” She aimed a toothy grin at him and ran a thumb across her throat in a way that was quite menacing. 

“Right.” Quill shook his head. “What the heck is a place like this doing in Stormstadt?” He grabbed Jane around the waist and pulled her to her feet.

It was obvious to Jane. “Psh, shilly. Iz the wandering inn, remember? It wandered here.”

The hobgoblin made a disdainful chuckle. “Even stupid drunk girl gets it. Boy must have dirt low Intelligence.”

Quill flinched.

Jane laughed. Because the goblin was right on the money. Then she saw Quill’s face. “Shorry.”

“Let’s get you to bed.”

“No! Bathroom! Don’t wanna pee in bed.”

The goblin glared again. “No peeing in the beds. You pee, you pay!”

They were pointed toward the door on the left. Stairs led up to a second and third floor. They stopped on the second and found a door marked with TOILET.

“Finally!” Jane let go of Quill and threw herself into the small room, planting herself on the toilet and letting out a torrent. It felt so good to release all that pressure. After, she sloppily washed her hands in the small, stone sink and wiped them on her shirt, then stumbled out into the hallway. 

Quill took one look at her, his eyes flew wide, and he turned away, fighting laughter. 

She frowned. “Rude. What?”

He eyed her pants. “Uh, Jane. Did you forget to pull your pants down before you peed?”

Her brows crossed. “Excuse me? Don’t be gross!” Angry at his gross joke, she stormed down the hall to find their room. It took a couple of tries but she located 204 and barged in. She desperately needed a bed and to lie down. 

The room was small, with just enough space for two single beds with straw mattresses covered in brown sheets. A window looked out from one wall. There was a single nightstand, sitting between the two beds, a clear glass vase with a red rose adorning it. On a shelf rested a pitcher and a pair of towels.

Jane was too far gone to care about anything but the bed. She went for it. 

Quill barked from behind, “Wait!” He grabbed at her and just managed to keep her from flopping onto the sheets.

“What are you doing?” She angrily tried to push him off. 

“Wait. You can’t get into bed like…” Blushing for some reason, he looked away and took a deep breath, then began undressing her.

It wasn’t until he’d pulled her shirt over her head and went for her pants, her tits in his embarrassed face, that she realized what he was doing. She frowned and pushed on his shoulders. “No sex. Sleepy!”

“I’m not— Gah! Hold on!” He stripped her pants off and dropped them to the side. For some reason, they made a wet splotching sound as they hit the floor. Maybe he dropped them in water. She was too drunk to care why. 

She whined, rather loudly. “Sleepy!” 

“Wait!” 

She didn’t understand, but she resentfully crossed her arms and stood there between the beds, swaying. “Fine.”

He took the pitcher from the shelf, and poured water on a towel. Then he hand-bathed her.

“Sheriously? Quill! Too drunk. Want to sleep. No sex time.”

“I’m not—“ He quickly wiped her lower body down, for some reason ignoring her boobs. 

She felt mildly irritated at that. Did he not like her boobs? Whatever. She needed to sleep. The moment he stopped wiping her body down, she turned and face-planted on the bed.

Unfortunately, she started getting the spins worse than before. After some time, she abruptly sat up, not feeling well. She vaguely heard splashing sounds. Quill’s bed was empty. A bad taste tickled the back of her throat. Her breathing grew heavier. 

“Hey! No—!”

Jane felt herself falling sideways and caught herself before her head could hit the pillow. Then she opened her mouth and vomited. 

Resigned laughter came from behind her. 

She vomited again, her body heaving of its own accord. She couldn’t do anything to stop it. A third time she opened it, and so much liquid came out.  After that, she kept heaving, but nothing more emerged. Body growing heavy, she drooped. 

“Oh, no you don’t.” Quill caught her. “Though it would be pretty funny if I let you sleep in it. The look on your face in the morning when you woke up: priceless.” He laughed again. 

At this point, things grew very vague.

*

The next thing Jane knew, it was morning. Sunlight filtered through the window next to the foot of her bed. She yawned and stretched, feeling sore. But as she remembered the fact that she’d been drinking hard the night before, she puzzled, then brightened when she realized she didn’t have a hangover. She rose and looked around. “Quill. Guess wh—“

At this point, Jane was able to see the rest of the room, and understood something of what had happened the previous night.

First, she was buck naked. 

Second, her clothes, still wet, hung off a shelf at the other end of the room. As if they’d been washed and left to dry. That would only be the case if she’d done something to get them filthy.

Third, the bed next to her had no sheets on it. It had been stripped down to the canvas cover holding the straw inside together. The sheets, along with a pillow, were stuck in a corner. A strong vomit smell emanated from them, filling the room. 

Quill slept at an angle on the other bed, his feet hanging off side, avoiding the wet spot on one corner of the mattress.

Jane took the scene in. She took it all in. And a powerful feeling of humiliation and horror sunk into her. She curled into herself and shrank back under the fur blanket, pulling it over her head. She was never, ever drinking again. 

Jane put her face in her hands. How the hell was she going to face Quill. Oh, this was terrible. So terrible. Last night she probably— And he must have— Oh, hell! Quill was the last guy she wanted to do this in front of. 

For long minutes, she seriously considered disbanding the party and running away before he got up. That ended about the time she heard him stirring. 

The other bed rustled. He softly spoke. “Jane? You up?”

She shrank further under the blanket. “No.”

He chuckled, which turned into a yawn. 

There was no hiding from it. She had to face the music. Very reluctantly, she emerged, keeping the blanket neck high, and looked over at him, biting her lip. 

“Hey. Shall we get up? Can’t imagine you’re hungry.”

She waited for him to say something about… But he didn’t. “Actually, I don’t have a hangover. I feel normal.”

His brows rose. “Really? That’s convenient. They only programmed being drunk, not the after effects. Nice.” He stood and stretched. “I wonder if they have baths here. Do you remember seeing a public bath in town when we were running around?”

“Um, no.” Why wasn’t he teasing her about last night? Was he just groggy from not enough sleep, or too nice a guy? “This seems to be a European-style city, not Japanese. I doubt they have public baths.”

“Too bad. Might have to take a dip in the canal or something. That’s going to be cold.”

She pulled an arm out from the blanket. “Can you hand me my clothes, please?”

“Hmm? Sure.” He grabbed them off the shelf. “Not dry yet.”

“It’s fine. Whatever.” It was probably her fault they were wet. It looked like he had washed them last night. She saw him politely turn his back to her and quickly dressed. The wet cotton was icky and cold, but she bore it without complaint and stood up. “Done.”

He turned around again.

“At least I won’t chafe from wearing wet underwear. I don’t have underwear.” Which meant…

His eyes travelled down her body. A wicked smile spread over his lips. “Yeah. I can tell. Very nice.”

“Hey!” She snatched the pillow off the bed and threw it at his head.

He caught it, laughing. 

She fumed, more in embarrassment than anger and crossed her arms to hide her nipples. The white shirt was pretty see-through. Fighting a lump in her throat, she looked at him out of the corner of her eyes. “Sorry. For last night.”

He shrugged. “It’s fine. It was fun. Throwing an impromptu party. Seemed to make a lot of people happy. I think it was good.”

“I mean—“ She waved at the bed and the soiled linens, face heating up.

“Aw, it happens. No worries.” He turned for the door. “They said no breakfast. Don’t know if that meant they don’t have it or it just wasn’t included with the fee.”

“We can ask.” Grateful he wasn’t making a big deal out her state or what she must have done last night, she followed him into the hallway.

They opened the door, stepped into the foyer, and froze. 

A black, human-sized ant sat at the front desk with perfect posture. It turned two huge, shiny black eyes on them and cheerfully spoke. “Good morning, guests! Did you sleep well?”

Jane turned to Quill, who turned to her. They blinked at each other. 

She swallowed. “Where are we?”

“The Wandering Inn. I take it you don’t remember the naked, sexy goblin from last night?”

“Goblin? Wait, say what? Naked and sexy?”

“Nevermind. Let’s just roll with it.” He strolled up to the front desk and explained about the state of the room, profusely apologizing.

Jane’s embarrassment returned two-fold now that things were being explained to the inn staff. Even though the staff was a…bug?

“I understand! That is not a problem. We will clean everything. However, there will be an additional charge of five copper.”

“Of course.” Quill handed over a silver and got change. 

The ant pointed at the other door with one of four arms. “If you are hungry, you are more than welcome to eat in the common room.”

“Thank you.” Quill bowed his head and gave Jane a questioning look. 

She shrugged and nodded, then bowed her own head at the ant. “Thank you. And sorry.”

The ant merely waved at them. “Enjoy your meal.”

The common room held a dozen round tables, the walls lined with windows, a bar at one end of the room. They took seats at the nearest table. 

A short, thin human woman with brown hair came out from the kitchen behind the bar. She seemed boisterous and friendly, especially so given the early hour. “Welcome! What can I get ya?”

Quill answered first. “What do you have?”

The reply was instant. “Hamburgers.”

Jane was taken aback. “For breakfast?”

The innkeeper looked mildly offended. “Hey. What’s wrong with burgers? I know how to cook burgers.”

“You don’t have anything else?”

“Psh. Fine. You want pasta? I can do pasta.”

“What kind?”

“It’s boiled.”

They both looked at her in silence. 

The innkeeper rolled her eyes and sighed in sufference. “I”ve got salt and pepper if you’re picky. Or giant flies.”

“Uh…” Jane turned a questioning look at Quill. 

The innkeeper frowned and put her hands on her hips. “Is there a problem?”

“Is ok,” called a voice from a table near the bar. It was a tall, nude goblin woman digging into a plate of plain pasta. Probably the one Quill had mentioned had been at the front desk last night. “Food here sucks. Don’t feel bad.”

The innkeeper turned on the hobgoblin. “Hey! That’s pretty cheeky coming from someone who eats here for free every day.”

The goblin was entirely unphased by the innkeeper’s ire. “Oh, fine. Food is ok. Hamburgers are good. Try bacon-and-egg burger for breakfast. With runny yellow part and toasted bun.”

To stop the innkeeper from glaring, Jane quickly spoke up. “That sounds great! Actually, meat for breakfast would be a great idea. After all, we have adventuring to do all day, right?”

The innkeeper’s ire melted away, replaced by suspiciousness. “You won’t be hunting goblins, will you?”

“No!” Quill defensively raised his hands. “Never. We swear.”

“Hmm. Good.” The innkeeper turned away and headed back to the kitchen. 

Jane mouthed a question at Quill. What?

He half shrugged. “Goblin-friend inn. Anyone who kills goblins can’t get back in.”

“That’s…really? What are we supposed to do about goblin quests?”

“Don’t take them.”

“I guess.” She looked at the green being at the other table. It might be a goblin, but this one didn’t look very monster-ish. Mostly out-of-shape and lazy. Though it apparently liked to read, nose buried in a book while she shovelled pasta into her mouth.

The burgers turned out to be really good. In fact…

Jane finished the last bite and sat up straight in surprise. “Hey. I got a boost to my HP and Stamina.”

Quill finished his own meal and nodded in agreement. “So food bonuses are a thing. We should pay attention to that.”

They thanked the innkeeper and paid, then headed out, waving goodbye to the friendly giant ant on the way.

Outside, the door closed behind them. 

Jane turned to look over her shoulder and took a step back in surprise. “Whoa. It’s gone!”

Quill looked back, too. 

Where the Wandering Inn had been was a blank stone wall belonging to a large bank. 

“Huh. Guess you were right. The inn really does wander.”

Jane grinned. “Magic is so cool.”