“So, tell me what you learned about the Kingdom of Felworth. I expect it to be good.” I say giving Vicky a pointed look. Obviously, she was buttering up Elizabeth to get a good grade. Instead of asking her own brother she goes to Elizabeth. Then again, I'd do the same.
“Well, Felworth acted as the primary Alton power on the continent before the creation of the Allonian Empire. Furthermore, the great king Edward the sixth led a series of campaigns against the Yanzhou. Even today they remain the second strongest Alton country.” She finishes speaking. I think that was a bit short. Well, it’s not like it was untrue.
“I must say, that was a bit disappointing. I know you even had Elizabeth helping you complete it.”
“She did, but most of the time she was sick.” Vicky says. “Anyways, I still have the entire paper. I just don’t want to speak out an entire essay.”
With that she hands me a paper. I look it over. Overall, it is standard. I’m highly disappointed.
“So, tell me what is going on in the Kingdom at this moment.” I order. She just sighs.
“Currently they are dealing with rebels in the Yanzhou portion of their territory. Honestly, they’re barely holding it together. Due to the rebellion they are also going through some economic turmoil.”
“Well, at least you aren’t completely ignorant.” I grudgingly give to her. She just smiles at me.
“You can be more honest.”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” I deny whatever she’s trying to imply.
“I’m certain Elizabeth would enjoy if you visited her.” She continues. I don’t know if that would be true. “Go get her brother, I believe in you.”
She sends me off with a smile. For some reason my feet are not listening to me.
…
Somehow, I ended up in front of her room. I also realized that Vicky got out of more classwork. She tricked me. The guards are looking at each other trying to decide what to do.
“Your Majesty, I’m under orders to not let you into this room.” Henry speaks up. I always knew he was the bravest person here. Although I thought he was smarter.
“Under whose orders.” They can’t rank higher than me.
“It was her Majesty.” He replies. Are you telling me she had the audacity to tell me I can’t go into any room I like?
“Let me by.” I order. Henery stand firmly against my intimidation. “If you do, I'll increase your pay.”
With those well-placed words he steps aside and lets me into the room. Turns out he did know what was good for him.
“Your wisdom knows no bounds.” He butters me up. It seems he is really good at boosting the ego of others. That reminds me, I should look a bit more into him.
“Who is it?” Elizabeth says weakly. Apparently, she is worse than I thought. She’s lying in the bed.
“It is I, the banished one.” I reply.
“How did you get into here?” She asks giving me a pointed stare.
“I do pay them.” I reply bring a chair to the bedside and plopping into it.
“I must warn you that if you are close you might become sick as well.” She informs me. For some reason, I’m feeling extremely annoyed. I lean over her and looking into her eyes. She does seem a bit red. I lean down and steal a kiss on her lips. She then pushes me away.
“It seems it can’t be helped. If I'm going to get sick from you the damage seems to be done.” I tell her sitting back into the chair. She seems to have gotten even redder. Also, if my eyes do not betray me, she is pouting as well. All in all, it makes for a cute picture.
“You brute, what makes you think you can just kiss me anytime you want?” She asks with anger.
“I am your husband; I can kiss you any time I wish.” With that a pillow flies into my face.
“Get out, right now!” I calmly stand up and walk out of the room. It is obvious that my presence is not welcome here. I’ll teach her I can kiss my wife whenever I want. That’ll teach her.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” Henry tells me.
“Are you paid to tell me what I should do?” I quip at him.
“No, you are correct your majesty. I am however paid to protect your life.” He snidely remarks.
“Then carry on guarding.” I walk off. He’s right. I could have handled that better. I am a complete and utter idiot.
A/N: James is sometimes his own worst enemy. However he does genuinely care. For the fun fact for today let us talk about the Kingdom of Felworth. A little more than a hundred years ago they used to control land up to the Tonsid River. In fact at the time they were the strongest power on the continent. However the Dukes in the east often fought with the King for autonomy. Furthermore when the Kingdom of Felworth sent an expeditionary force to fight off the Koryo, they lost at a battle at the city of Fransford which will later be called Wonsan. After this battle the eastern lords of Tonsia began their rebellion.
You know, your character says it the best, "I must say, that was a bit disappointing". The characters have no spine, or drive that is apparent in 20 chapters. I may not have room to talk, my writing isn't any better, but your characters all feel flat.
Thank you for your views. If you would like to elaborate that would be awesome. This is my first story so I cannot say that I am in any sense of the word a good writer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
@Konton All I can really say is subjective personal stuff rather than objective qualities, sorry but I'm very new as well. The one bit that bothered me the most, I would say, is the huge disparity between the Main Character and his power. If we are meant to believe that Jason is an emperor with stability, then the way his vassals treat him do not make sense. The treat him more like they would a paper emperor, but you have already clearly shown that he is not one. If he was a paper emperor then he would have no clout or diplomatic power left in his hands. So I suppose I would say to more clearly define the power dynamic that Jason has in his own Empire. Currently it seems that he has zero grip on his army, economy, or vassals.
Otherwise, the entire concept of Jason being smart, or seen as smart by the divine ruler. I find it weird that he is being viewed as a snake, and you seem like you are making a subterfuge focused MC, and yet he has zero ability in statecraft. His diplomatic relations all openly mock him.
I will add however, that you have painted his relationship to his estranged father in a very good light. You hit an amazing balance of respect, anger, and deference that I think seems to fit well.
I really do like your writing so far, I don't mean for any of this to come across in a negative way.
@Bean I think it gets better later on. This was originally made to just entertain and wasn't all that serious and because of it some problems occur. Unlike me, Konton didn't revise his story. I might still have problems as well but I think the later stages of his story get way better than the earlier ones. Especially when some events occur. I think the biggest problem is James really is a paper emperor. His authority is rather weak and limited to his direct support. Without the support of the nobles he really has no power. I think your analysis is spot on and entirely correct. I agree with his relationship with William, it hits the exact right balance in my opinion as well.
Also his name is James, not Jason.
@Bean Thanks for the in-depth reply. His lack of power is something that comes into play later down the book. The fact is that many of his vassals in fact do not respect him. He doesn't have any major accomplishments and this annoys many of them. I hope that I have already addressed it since I am already some 40 chapters. I will be trying to improve on other peoples characters so they don't feel so flat.
@Mizu Thanks for the name fix.
@Konton I suppose you very well may have fixed these issues, I'm merely going off of the limited chapters you've published thus far.
@Bean It was good advice and something to consider, even for myself. This is a first story for both of us. We are used to writing for ourselves and not other people and thus it can appear flat. I try to be better about this in my story but some of the characters are flatter than others. It is probably something we will slowly get used to as time goes on. It may not even be entirely solved as the story goes on and will probably remain in some diminished form.
@Mizu I understand, my book is really no better. I suffer from many of the same problems. I think it's probably an experience thing.
@Bean I am sure it is. I would be ashamed to show my story in its original version. It was THAT bad. The new version is far better but still has many of the same problems.
@Bean It probably is. Thinking back it probably would have helped if I revised mine before I uploaded it but I'm lazy and I don't have a lot of time. I guess it won't be much of a spoiler but James attempts to reform the military which sets off a civil war. Allonia actually doesn't have a unified military unlike Arria. I hope to flesh out the weird power balance that exists in Allonia.
@Konton I think the things that would have helped the most would be a "setup" chapter. Since, due to his dad being in control of the military, he should have a decent grasp on the military himself, but he doesn't. Maybe I should just be more patient and these things will come.
@Bean Yes, well William did have a lot of power. However a lot of the military James has direct control over were stuck in Arria or dead from the Arrian-Allonian war. This is part of the reason he wanted to end the war. Also much of the nobles that followed William and would have followed James died in that war acting as officers under Williams command. Leaving James and his Allies weakened and his political rivals in a much stronger position.
@Bean Read my book. You are about to learn why the entire army is in complete shambles. Glory be to Arria is a prequel to this one and goes over how many of the officers within Williams army kinda got their... heads cut off... though this hasn't happened yet.