"If you're a Succubus, does that mean you'll-" Neloteth began, before I clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Maybe let someone else do the talking," I said.

"The cult was fairly internally-violent," Volex said. "As Succubi, we have powers of control and persuasion, which we used to pit various monsters against each other to grind out XP. Followers are barely even useful tools to the likes of Devaryth; if they're livestock, they're pigs, not horses. They're to be fattened up with scraps until they're worth killing and harvesting. It... It was monstrous enough to shock even my conscience, when I was still Chaotic Evil.

"And so... And so, once I hit Level 5 in Ur-Priest, I cast Atonement on myself, became Lawful Good, and I left. I'm not sure what they think is going on; they kept sending monsters to try to kill me, but in all honesty, that's not a change from how they treated me previously. We can't even be conclusively sure that this was an actual assassination attempt. Selva, you leveled up from defeating Lurk, didn't you?"

"Twice," I said. "Next time I go to bed, I'll be Level 6."

"That might've been what they intended," Volex said. "I just... I don't know. Fuck. Fuck."

"What, he- mrphl."

"Nel, I understand it's been a while and you're backed up, but slow your fucking roll," I said. "Calm down. And Volex... What do we do?"

"That's a good question," Volex said. "Admittedly, the straightforward thing to do would be to cry havoc, let slip the dogs of war, and go on a merry little adventure where we slay the evil demon cultists. The problem is, Level 12 is the highest our party goes to, and five years ago, Devaryth was on the cusp of achieving 9th Level spells."

"I have a Dominated Level 16 Tome Assassin," I said, pointing at the statue of Lurk.

"Lurk got her ass handed to her by a Level 4 Wizard who wasn't expecting a fight that day," Volex said flatly.

"Well, okay, I'm gonna have to do some retraining to unfuck her build, but it's not nothing."

"If retraining means what I think it means, I for one would like to retrain to Druid," Neloteth said.

"Nel, plea- wait, that was a constructive addition to the conversation," I said. "...Carry on."

"I'd say she usually isn't like that," Elendar said wearily, "but she is. She really, truly is always like that."

"...Her or me?" Neloteth asked.

"Yes," Elendar said, her voice strained.

"Anyway! If we're going to be a party, we need a Tank, and Druids are better at it than any other class," Neloteth said. "I can get an Animal Companion that's stronger than a Rogue at my level would be. And then turn into that same animal for double the carnage."

"She makes a compelling point," I admitted. "We need to train. Refine our builds to kill some demonic quasi-Clerics, and more importantly, just... get stronger. We need to adventure and grind out some XP somehow..."

"Well..." Volex hedged.

"Well?" I prompted.

"...So, I've studied the Planes a bit more than is typical for a Cleric," Volex said. "And some planes have traits that amount to, essentially, the rules being different there. One of them is almost ideal for Selva and Neloteth grinding out mountains of XP to catch up to Elendar and I, although the two of us wouldn't get much out of it."

"And what will you two be doing in the meantime?" I asked.

"I'll resume my search for a plane suitable for all of us to level-grind," Volex said. "It might be a while, though. Depending on how things go, you two might be on your own for a while."

"We can probably get along, I think," I said, thinking back on the time not five minutes ago Neloteth had kissed me like a sailor on shore leave. "We can also probably get by just fine, provided Nel gets the same treatment I did yesterday." I blinked. "Fuck, was it really only yesterday? Things have been eventful, haven't they?"

"What's the treatment you got yesterday?" Neloteth asked.

---

"It took that long for you too, huh?" Neloteth asked, once she was done having every stat booster Elendar had shoved up her ass.

"Eyup," I said. "How's being a Druid?"

"I haven't had time to prepare or cast any spells, nor am I a high enough level to Wild Shape," Neloteth said. "And I can't get an animal companion inside this demiplane. The only things that are new to me are weapon proficiencies and speaking Druidic."

"And the armor," I noted. "I mean, you're wearing Elfish Darkleaf Full Plate. How's that feel?"

"The maximum Dex bonus is about what my Dex bonus was earlier today," Neloteth said. "But now that my Dex bonus is +10, this just feels... Eh. It's a novelty, and not a very comfortable one. Mom gave me some +10 Bracers of Armor and a +5 Amulet of Natural Armor. Those bracers alone are enough to match the full plate."

"Yeah, if it was mundane. Isn't that full plate also +10?"

"It isn't. It's +5; anything higher on actual armor requires Epic crafting. Even if it was +10, though, it's got a base armor rating of 8, which is also the amount of Dex bonus it's taking away from me, so it's really a question of whether I want to pump my flatfooted or touch AC through the roof." Neloteth shrugged. "I'm sure I look hot in this armor, it's just that I kinda don't need it, and I don't think I'd want to wear it into a fight."

I snorted. "Yeah, that's fair. Iunno, honestly I think I'm getting more hung up on the idea of a full spellcaster wearing armor. It's something Wizards just don't do and have never done, it's something Clerics these days mostly don't do because they don't need it, and Druids aren't terribly common in the city. Armor is the province of Warblades, and other, lesser meatshields. You're rolling Druid to be the meatshield, and so it makes intuitive sense to me that you should bear the semiotics of the meatshield."

"Heh. Well, what did Volex have to say to you while Mom was busy fussing over me?"

"Well..."

---

"So, earlier today, when you seemed to know nothing about Ur-Priests beyond a vague memory of a book you'd read... That was an act, wasn't it?" I asked.

"...Yes," Volex admitted. "Yes, it was. An ordinary Succubus has a base Bluff of +19; when you consider I've got six class levels on top of that, with Bluff as a class skill, and a Cloak of Charisma +6..."

"Wait, really?" I asked. "You're not wearing a cloak, though. You're just wearing a particularly flattering and revealing dress."

"Well, it turns out that such a dress is equally-suited to holding Charisma-boosting enchantments," Volex said, looking down at herself. "I assure you, this is mystically-significant cleavage."

"They are very nice. But I was meaning to ask about something else before I got distracted by details."

"You wanted to know more about Ur-Priests?" she suggested hopefully.

"...Yes? Were you expecting me to ask what else you've lied about? Because I only just met you today, and you simply haven't had time to lie to me about much." I shrugged. "No, it's Elendar who you're going to have to have a long talk with."

The words 'Elendar' and 'long talk' sent shivers down Volex's spine, and she shuddered in horror.

"So. Ur-Priest. Tell me more about it," I continued. "I'm going to need details if I hope to come up with a strategy."

"Right, well... Mechanically, it's fairly straightforward. One spell level of Cleric spellcasting per class level in Ur-Priest. Rebuke Undead at level 2, which in my case became Turn Undead when I became Lawful Good. Spell resistance at level 4- not enough to matter, and only against divine spells and spell-like abilities from Outsiders. Level 6 gives us a mildly-interesting spell-slot-shuffling mechanism that I use exclusively to turn a pair of 4th level spell slots into an extra 6th level spell slot. And Level 10, which is where anyone without a +9 modifier to their casting stat finally gets 9th level spells, also has a consolation prize in the form of, once per day, copying a spell-like ability from any nearby creature, but only being able to use it at maximum three times per day, even if it's something the creature can do at-will."

I hummed. "With the possible exception of turning for Divine Metamagic, Ur-Priest sounds almost designed to be paired with Mystic Theurge. Or, well, really any sort of divine casting Prestige Class. They just don't seem to gain any class features worth caring about besides spellcasting."

"Spellcasting is quite nice," Volex said. "And, well. You've touched upon something quite important. See, I only have levels in Ur-Priest, but the only other among our number who did that too is Devaryth, my former leader. We're the only ones who really believe in her goal. Of the others, Isanix was never as ambitious as the rest of us, Aellajyx wasn't as trusting in Devaryth's claims, and Sythaney... Well, Sythaney is a tremendous nerd, in a way that was honestly quite endearing, as long as you didn't watch her conduct her arcane research. As such, Isanix simply isn't high enough level to be worth caring about, Aellajyx has rolled into Warblade and a variant of Ruby Knight Vindicator, and Sythaney retrained into some disgusting early-entry cheese with Wizard and Mystic Theurge."

"So she's a whole spell-level behind where she should be with her Ur-Priest casting, and has some level-inadequate Wizard casting to show for it," I said.

"She's a very intelligent and clever spellcaster with many unexpected tricks up her sleeves," Volex corrected me. "Remember, an ordinary Succubus has an Intelligence of 16; Sythaney had a 20 when she joined us. She may not be an impressive Wizard for someone of Effective Character Level 14, but she is a very impressive Cleric."

"Mmn. Right, well... You and the Ur-Pope-"

"Devaryth is not a terribly hard name to pronounce."

"-The two of you plan to use raw Ur-Priest to ascend to godhood, somehow," I said. "Please replace 'somehow' with an actual explanation."

"Well, once upon a very long time ago, in an age before the gods, humans got their divine magic as Ur-Priests," Volex said. "Ur-Priests, rather than venerating a deity or a concept, carefully constructed their own personal artificial godhead. The most powerful among them developed their godhead so strongly that they merged with it, ascending to become the first gods, and developed the Clerical tradition for its lower barrier to entry... and its lower chance of producing rival gods. Sythaney developed a slight variant to teach our cultists, which would tie their godhead to ours, empowering us further, but among the Ur-Bishops, we all use the original variant, empowering ourselves alone. That is how Devaryth and I both intend to ascend to godhood. Her to increase her dominion, and me to stop her."

---

"...Fuck," Neloteth said once I finished explaining.

"That's about how I felt, yes," I said, nodding. "We're going up against a cabal of profane, self-made godlings. This will, in all honesty, probably be the single most defining thing we do with our lives, in a way that can very much get us killed permanently. No judgement if you want to back out; I'm tempted, myself."

"...Fuck it," Neloteth said. "I've died once before. I'm in."