Or, In which the author tries to come up with as many euphemisms for penis as he can. 

(Authors note, I am now set up at TopWebFiction.  Please BOOST the story if you are enjoying it, and you can find a wide variety of serial fiction listed there, go check them out! )

The more I looked at the…  assembled membership, the more confused I got.

What? Oh right.

<Random: Right, right, think out loud. Sorry.  This… doesn’t add up.>

If I focused my gaze on any one alcove, it would stretch towards me. The alcove itself, not the… yeah. Like zooming in.  And if I put up a hand and waved around, the penis would move with it, like swiping on a 3D image to see all angles. After looking at a few, I thought out loud again.

<Random: Okay I get what kind of game this must be now. But… almost all the other size related body options were on sliders. Why isn’t this? Give me a length, girth, and curve slider?>

I looked at a couple more, and sighed.

<Random: And I shouldn’t be surprised, but of COURSE I have to be a guy. A M A B at that. Where are my trans or truly nonbinary options?>

As I said this, my focus seemed drawn suddenly to a corner of the room, full of darkened out alcoves. Letting them stretch towards me, I realized that there WERE in fact non Cis male genetalia. Why were they darkened out? I reached out to manipulate one, and  


:: Player Limitations enabled! Cis Male body locked before Truly Immersive Challenge Mode selected.  ::

<Random: What?  I… this game DOES have other options? Okay, color me impressed, but… locked by WHO? Is this like… Saw meets virtual reality? Am I priso>

:: 50 Diamonds added ::

<Random: Cool! I don’t know why, but I’ll take them!>

Shaking my non-existent virtual head, I focused back to the task at.. uhh.. hand.

<Random: Looking closer, I guess there’s a lot of… uniqueness that you couldn’t get with a slider. OH!  I wonder if it's a rendering thing. Like they HAD sliders, but they found that some combinations would react badly in the physics engine, stretching or bending or exploding. Heh.>

There were some truly impressive pieces of tackle on display, but something about being LITERALLY hung like a horse turned me off. Besides, I bet…

:: Equinerection is a premium item. 500 Diamonds to unlock. Y/N? ::

<Random: FIVE HUNDRED! Damn.I’ve got, uhh>

I put my hand in my pocket and the overlay popped up in the corner of my eyes again. G$ 0 D 125. Hunh.

<Random: Yeah, not enough.  That name though, I thought I was joking when I said hung like a horse.>

I tapped no, and selected a few different pieces of hardware, testing out which ones were and weren’t locked behind micro-transactions. 

:: Purple Helmet Warrior is a premium item. 250 Diamonds to unlock. Y/N? ::

<Random: Okay, I get that one, it’s got a bit of a defined ridge to it.  Okay, looks like a mushroom, lets be honest. I’m only seeing names for the locked ones though.  I wonder if they all have names, just not visible? That would be a job!  Oh honey, what did you do at work today? Well love, I wrote a hundred different names for dicks.>

<Random:  I’m learning some things about shower vs grower though.>

Thinking this, I watched one model as it slowly grew from breakfast sausage to a kielbasa, and back. I wonder how much THAT surprise package is.

:: Chosen setting will have an effect on some available story paths. Accept Y/N? ::

<Random: Okay. So some of the, uh… equipment loadout options can change the story. It’s DEFINITELY that kind of game. I spot another gherkin, and wait for it to enlarge, see how ridiculous this one can get. And then it shrinks.

<Random: WHOA! Micropenis!  I bet that one GIVES you Diamonds.>  I tap my hand towards it.

:: NDBF is a premium item. 2500 Diamonds to unlock.  ::
:: Chosen setting will have an effect on some available story paths. ::

:: Accept Y/N? ::

<Random: Why would… someone pay for… that much... >

I shrug.
<Random: Not gonna kink shame. Interesting through, I was wondering how the system would handle multiple yes no prompts. I was half afraid it would wait till you spent money on unlocking to THEN tell you about possible drawbacks. I like it!>

Playing around with my options a bit more, I finally settled on a middle of the line model. Not too long, not too thick, but not anything to be ashamed about. And free! 

<Random: Look, I’m not wasting Diamonds on a big dick. Long piano player fingers, though, no promises.>

:: Chosen setting has unlocked bonus paths  ::

What? But, I didn’t get a prompt first. And it says unlocked. Does that mea… Yeah, yeah, think loud.  JEEZ LOUISE!

<Random: Ahem. I was just thinking, I didn’t get a prompt.  And it says unlocked, not, have an effect. Does that mean I get a warning if I might LOCK something out, but not if I am going to unlock something? Useful to know.>

The world went grey and fuzzy for a long moment before another glowing message appeared in the air before me..

:: Calibrating body. Loading. ::

<Random: Calibrating? That doesn’t sound URGH>

My body twisted and puffed around me, taking shape. I could feel all the large scale choices I had made imposing themselves, limbs shifting, fat and muscle building itself. My pants (when did I start wearing pants?) suddenly got a bit tight as my last selection attached itself.

<Random: “Oh my god that sucked!”>

Wait.  I heard my voice. I… felt my lips move.  And the floating message bar with my face and name on it… showed lips moving to go with the quotation marks. Hmm.

<Random: Testing testing.>

I thought loud, and no moving lips, no quotes. My avatar’s eyes seemed to look around a little though.

<Random: “Testing testing.”>

And I can feel my lips move, hear my voice, and see my avatar’s lips move. I find myself drawn to his lips for a moment. My lips I mean. That shape worked out even better than I hoped.  Damn I’m cute!