The night was cold and desolate, wind howling, echoing, throughout the night. My stay within the manor which had been a privilege of the few wealthy became a burden. Years before when I had still been a child my family and I all occupied this space together happily. We were of high nobility and took advantage of the easily fool hearty peasants below. As time passed though the lifestyle of deceit and trickery wained on everyone unbeknownst to me.
And so, before my twentieth birth day, all of my family had passed due to their anxieties around their thievery, or so I thought. The causes of their death had been mysterious ones at that, blood drained entirely from their bodies. It was a gory sight I had become all too adjusted to seeing over the years as we were picked off one by one.
These notions of death drawled on late into the night as I lay in the lonely house in bed. It was only until a startling knock resounded on the door that I jump up in anticipation. That knocking, it was something I coincidentally almost always heard before the day after, to which a family member would die. Knowing what may await on the other side, curiosity had gotten the better of me, and so I wondered forth.
Opening the door revealed what had been the largest surprise of all. There stood a women of tall stature, gorgeous flowing black hair, crimson eyes, and skin white as snow. Walking in as if she owned the estate I couldn’t bring myself to stop her she was hypnotizing. Suddenly, her elegant stroll within the estate turned back to my direction, where she faced me.
“Ah, I see, so I suppose you’re the last one of your line.”
Having no words my mouth opened and closed as a fish would, in udder shock.
Mm, as beautiful as you are my dear I hate to inform you that you’re next. Well unless you can meet a certain list of conditions.” Her silky voice lead on in a utmost convincing manner.
“J-just what are you? And what so you want from this place, from me?”
“Well you see I’m a vampire, for quite a while now you’re family has had quite the curse. I manifested on the basis of hate those village people which has gathered for generations. But you see, if you were to redistribute that wealth all things will continue as peaceful as ever.”
“And what if I don’t?”
Grabbing my face with her soft, chilly grip, I was forced to meet her stunning eyes once more. A smile, which most mortal man would quiver at, brought up feelings making me blush in the face.
“If you don’t, I’ll have to kill you like the rest”
“I, understand, if I agree to this though, what will happen to you? Will you, disappear?”
“My purpose will have been fulfilled miss, so yes, I’ll have to come back to where I came from?”
“Miss Vampire, do you have a name by chance?”
“My name is Veronica, what is yours little hummingbird?”
“Lily, and, I don’t need all this fortune, this wealth makes my life, empty, I am craving um, something else though.”
“And what would that be, out of curiosity?”
“I crave love, but, I hadn’t found something, someone to love, until now?”
Veronica looked at me ever so peculiarly, likely understanding the implications of what was being said. That look though soon evolved into something much more mischievous.
“Are you really so foolish as to give your fortune up for one single night of companionship?”
“I’m not as foolish as my forebearers as to be consumed by greed. And, gods, I do hope that I can have more than one night of companionship.”
“Well I suppose we can take it one step at a time, little hummingbird.”
Just like that as soon as the words escaped her mouth she had whisked me away to the bedroom. Kisses planted in a flurry with assertiveness but a definite care. Kisses turned to touching, and touching lead to even more intimacy before the night unwound.
By the time morning had come, Veronica had vanished as quickly as she appeared. Crestfallen, likely knowing this would be our last encounter, I still fulfilled my half of our bargain. Packing up the few of my things I then threw the rather heavy suitcase over my shoulder to leave. But on the other side of old oak door remained a letter pinned to the wall. In the utmost gorgeous cursive, it read,
“Apologies for the abrupt exit little hummingbird but I will be back in a weeks time. Regrettably it won’t be sooner, but by then perhaps we will have a real date.”
A smile bloomed over my face upon this notice, and I cheerfully walked forward. Excitement filled me for when Veronica next unexpected encounter would be.
Writing is pretty good except you use too many commas. If you're unsure then say the sentence out loud and only put a comma where you actually pause. For example:
I, understand, if I agree to this though
I understand. If I agree to this though,
Will you, disappear
Will you disappear?
Lily, and, I don’t need all this fortune, this wealth makes my life, empty,
Lily, and I don't need all this fortune, this wealth makes my life empty.
I crave love, but, I hadn’t found
I crave love, but I hadn't found
I think they are trying to use the commas to create delays when the character talks. I have a character that does this in one of my own stories but it is meant for dramatic effect and he usually is acting between the pauses.
I, understand, if I agree to this though
I... understand... if I agree to this though
This actually makes more sense to me since it is a shy character. Also, nice cover art author! Where did you get it?
You don't need a comma here as it isn't being used to connect sentences.
Lily, and I don't need all this fortune, wealth makes my life empty.
Should be: Lily and I don't need all this fortune, wealth makes my life empty.
@Mechaphobic I don’t know the artist I used for the cover art sadly even though I looked for it pretty hardcore, ik it’s a drawing from the anime foodwars tho. Also yea! The commas were for an added shyness or dramatic effect.
@LonelyFoxGirl That's what I figured, the three dots work better with readers... I don't know why... I couldn't actually find an English rule for it but I have seen it done in countless novels.
Yes, ellipses are better for that purpose. It's because commas must adhere to the rules of grammar even in dialogue, so if you want to add an unnatural pause you need something else. I would still recommend toning it down a bit as it's kind of annoying to read.
@Fishless It’s a free novel you don’t have to read it
@Mechaphobic I might do that next time, I'm just writing for fun though I didn't think people would be so harsh about coma's
@LonelyFoxGirl I certainly wasn't trying to be harsh, I write for fun as well. My goal was just to provide good feedback. Instead of looking at it as people being harsh, if people didn't think you had some potential they wouldn't even take the time to leave a comment.
@Mechaphobic I guess so, I just have a lot of bad experiences on online spaces so it can be kinda scary.
@LonelyFoxGirl You could put a disclaimer saying you don't want any corrections or criticisms. If you post something not fully edited then people will often edit it for you.