Jinhai

 

It’s morning when I wake up in the Yao wagon.  It’s very quiet outside.  I vaguely remember getting back here yesterday, being carried into the wagon, undressed and wrapped up in my quilts.  I've been asleep for hours.

The doctor said I might have after-effects for two or three days.  Things became fuzzy as we were mounting up to come back to camp, but I remember what happened before that quite clearly.  We cornered Pan Tai in his house.  I remember the look on Shan’s face as he fought that bastard and killed him.  I wish I’d been the one doing it.

While I was with the army, I never had to worry about people jumping me.  Everyone knew me, I was one of them, nobody’d have thought of it.  And Shan’s word was law, no-one would have dared cross him.  The trouble started once I was on my own.  First the insulting behavior of Commander Gu’s men.  Then the assassin and after that his colleagues.  Then Lang Huo.  And now Pan Tai. 

Is it always going to be like this?  Will Shan have to defend me all my life?

My glum thoughts are interrupted by the sound of hacking coughs from behind the screen.  They have a quality that gets me out of my quilts and impels me to Yao Yuhan’s bedside, in time to see him remove a cloth from his lips.  It’s stiff with dried blood and wet with new stains.  He looks at me with wry knowledge in his eyes.

“For how long?” I ask, sitting down beside him.

“Two or three days.”

“I have something that may help but it’ll make you sleepy.”

He smiles and shakes his head.  “I’d rather stay awake.  Young Master Zhao, I have two favours to ask of you.  The first is this:  when the time comes, will you make it easy for me?  I don’t care for the idea of slowly suffocating.”

“Of course.  Whenever you choose.  And I promise that I’ll take care of Ah-Lin.”

He smiles again.  “That was the second favour.”

“I give you my word of honour.”

“Then I’m satisfied.  Now, if you wouldn’t mind, go and look in that chest.  There’s a carved box in it.  Bring it here, if you would.”

I lift the lid of the chest and find the box.  Next to it, there’s a funeral urn.  I look back at Yao Yuhan.

“My wife’s ashes,” he says.  “We couldn’t leave her behind.  I want to be buried with her.”

My throat feels tight.  I lift the box and bring it to the bed.  Yao Yuhan opens it to reveal a small fortune in matched pearls.

“This is all that’s left of our family's wealth.  It’s for Ah-Lin.  Will you see he gets it?”

I nod, unable to speak.  Yao Yuhan puts a hot dry hand on mine.  “Don’t be sad.  I’m ready to go.  If it weren’t for you, I’d have gone weeks ago.  You’ve given me precious time with my son and I’m immensely grateful.”  He pats my hand.  “And now, I think I might like a cup of tea.”

I bring the tea and we sit sipping.  Yao Yuhan looks at me, still with that gentle smile.

“You and Sir Zhan, you’ve become close, haven’t you?”

I nearly spill my tea, aware that I’m blushing hotly.

“You don’t need to reply,” he says, with a faint chuckle.  “But I should warn you that after last night there are a few rumours going round about the two of you.  You should be prepared.”

I find out just how true his words are when I venture out to find Shan and overhear a conversation between Yao Lin, Lai Xue and the Wan brothers, who are sitting round the fire eating candied fruit.

Yao Lin sounds perplexed.  “But how do two men actually do it?”

Lai Xue answers, his tone matter-of-fact.  “Back passage.”

There’s a silence.  Then, “Gross,” says one of the Wan brothers.

“Not really,” says Lai Xue, “No more gross than doing it with a woman, if you think about it.  And men and women do it in the back too.  As well as the usual way, I mean.”

There’s a chorus of disbelief.  “No way,” says Yao Lin.  “How do you know all this, Ah-Xue?”

“My brother took me to a pleasure-house back home and they put on a show for us.  Men doing it with women and men doing it with men.”

There’s another silence.  Then, “What was it like?” asks one of the Wan brothers.

“Boring,” says Lai Xue, popping another piece of candy into his mouth.

I decide to take a different route. 

I find Shan sitting by another fire, mending harness.  He laughs when I recount the conversation.  “Boring, eh?” he says.  He looks at me keenly.  “You look a lot better.  You were a touch green yesterday.  You’d better not drink too much tonight.”

I remember that we’ve got a dinner date with Ren Baiyi.  Then I notice something.  “You’re wearing the bracelet.”

“Yup.  People can think what they like.”

I catch his hand and hold it to my cheek.  He strokes my face gently and resumes what he’s doing.  After a moment he says, “Yao Yuhan’s not looking well.”

“It’s nearly the end of the road.”

We sit for a moment in silence, while he goes on mending the harness.  Something occurs to me.  “Have you sorted out the Xiaxia problem?”

He grins.  “I have.  I spoke to Madam Lei and she had a word with Papa Lai.  She persuaded him to let Xiaxia out and promised to keep a very strict eye on her.  Xiaxia will have to help with the chores and do what she’s told.  Papa Lai’s at his wits’ end, so he agreed without a struggle.  And Xiaxia agreed too.”

“She agreed?”

“She drove a hard bargain.  She agreed on condition she can mix with the other travelers and join in our sword practice.  Papa agreed.  Everybody agreed.  Problem solved.”

“That’s brilliant.”

“I thought so too.”

We smile at one another.

Ren Baiyi has arranged dinner at a restaurant by the river, on a small islet connected to the bank by a walkway.  It’s a very private place.  It’s also very pretty, with lanterns casting coloured lights on the water.  Zi Wuying has joined us.

“He knows,” Ren Baiyi says, “In fact, he guessed, but you don’t need to worry.  He’s totally trustworthy.  He knows I’ll kill him if he says anything.”

Zi Wuying grins.  “You can always try.”

“Anyway, we’re dying to know what happened to the two of you.”

“Well, I’m dying to know what happened with the troop,” I say, “Did everyone get back all right?”

Servants come and go like ghosts, bringing food and wine.  Ren Baiyi fills our cups and we toast one another.

“I said I’d pay for the drinks when we met again,” I say.

“Right enough, you did.  But not tonight.  This is my treat.  Where shall I start?  After we got the news about the assassination and you left, sir, we carried on, in the kind of mood you can imagine.  And then we met up with a troop of cavalry belonging to the Second Prince.  They were looking for you and they gave us a hell of a hard time.  That was when we heard about the Emperor being assassinated.  Anyway, Shao Ru gave them a whole story about your secret mission and everybody in the troop backed him up.  They questioned all of us.  Shao Ru was terrific.  He cussed them out like you wouldn’t believe.  Finally they gave up and rode on and so did we.  And then two, three weeks later we heard you’d died in a fire, sir.  The shock was - well, I can't describe what it felt like, but I never want to have to live through that again.  I’ve never seen Shao Ru look so grim, but he held us together and we got back to the capital to find that General Chen had been invited to retire to his country residence and everyone was talking about the war with the southern provinces.”

He stops to pour out more wine.  “We were all ordered to take an oath of loyalty to the Second Prince – the new Emperor that is.  Most of the men did, but Shao Ru told them where they could stick their oath and then he went on a three-day bender, came back and started a fight in barracks.  They kicked him out – dishonourable discharge.  Then he vanished, went completely out of sight.  Nobody’s seen him since.”

“What about Liang Zhou and the others?” I ask.

“The doctor quit and went back to his clinic.  Mo Jiang went with him.  Said he wanted to learn about medical things, like you, Ah-Hai – sorry, I mean Ah-Jing.  So he’s working in the clinic now.  Wu Shun and Qin Feng both left the army as well, for family reasons.  Wu Shun’s studying to take the administrative exams and Qin Feng’s family wants him to get married – he’s the only son.  I wasn’t about to take the oath, so I quit too.  I had to get a job, so I thought I’d pay General Chen a visit.  He’s got a reputation for helping out former soldiers.  Once he heard that I’d served under you, sir, he couldn’t do enough for me.  This appointment’s only for the season, but it’s well paid.  I knew Wuying from before, so I asked him to come and lend a hand.  So here we are.”

He looks at us with a big happy smile.  “I couldn’t believe it when I saw your face, Ah-Jing.  And then when you turned up as well, sir, I thought I’d died and gone to the Yellow Springs.  Tell us how you did it.”

So, as we eat the excellent food, first I and then Shan tell our stories, while Ren Baiyi and Zi Wuying exclaim and ask questions and the atmosphere becomes more and more celebratory.  I haven’t felt this happy for a long time.  It’s so good to have news of our friends.  Then the talk turns to the military situation.

“No change in the southern provinces,” says Ren Baiyi.  “It’s still a stand-off, but our men are falling sick from poor rations, while the southerners had a good harvest last year and have a policy of storing grain.  The Emperor’s probably going to retreat in the autumn when he can decently save his face.  Anyone who suggests negotiating either loses their head or is demoted to the ranks.  There’s no reasoning with him.  From what I hear, the army’s not happy.”

“And in the capital?”

“The Gu family’s moving up, because they lick the Dowager Empress’s shoes.  They even executed Li Wei’s son on her orders.  Reports say the Emperor was furious.  He wanted to keep the Li family alive for the trial.”

“Li Wei’s son?”  Shan says.

“Li Zichen.”  Ren Baiyi stops and slaps his own face.  “Crap, I forgot, sir, he was your sister’s husband, wasn’t he?  You hadn’t heard?”

Shan’s face is like stone.

“No, we hadn’t heard,” I say.  “What about Young Lady Li?  Is there any news?”

“Nothing.  The last I heard was that the Li ladies had been moved to a monastery because of the elder lady’s health.  There’s been nothing since.”

“The elder lady died.  The reason we’re going to the capital is to try and rescue Shan’s sister.”

Ren Baiyi whistles.  “You’ll really have to be careful.  Your face is well-known, sir.  Have you got a plan?”

Shan’s voice sounds strange.  “First of all we have to find out where she’s being held.  We’ll take it from there.”

“Well, if we hear anything, we’ll let you know.  And I’ll send Liang Zhou a message.  He doesn’t know you’re still alive.”

“He may by now,” I say, “Guess who got his transfer to the capital at last?”

“Not Commander Bai?”

‘The very one.  We met him on the road.  He got us out of a spot of bother.  Hopefully he’ll have contacted Liang Zhou when he got back.”

Ren Baiyi, Zi Wuying and I continue chatting for a while longer, but Shan’s very silent.  A cold feeling’s growing inside me.  The evening ends.  We take our leave, mount up and start to walk our horses back to camp.  I sneak a look at Shan and see a brooding expression on his face.  He’s said nothing since we left the restaurant.

“Why don’t we come and have dinner tomorrow and get a room at an inn?” I suggest.

He pulls up.  I turn my horse and face him.  In the dim light of the street lanterns, his expression confirms my fears.  My voice trembles a little.  “You’re going to leave, aren’t you?”

For a moment he says nothing, but his eyes close as if in pain.  Then he says quietly, “Jinhai, I have to go.  I thought I’d have time, that the Li family would be kept alive till the Emperor returns, but now Xu Yating’s had Li Zichen executed.   Ah-Lien might be next.  I’d never forgive myself if something happens which I could have prevented.”

The coldness reaches my heart.  “I can’t go with you.  I gave my word of honour to Yao Yuhan that I’d help him die when his time comes and that I’d look after his son.”

“Ah,” he says, “When did you do that?”

“This morning.”

“Then you’ll have to keep your word,” he says.

“Is that all you have to say?” 

“What else can I say?”

Angry, hurt, desolate, I kick Blaze into action and gallop off.  Shan doesn’t follow me.  I get back to camp, unsaddle Blaze and take refuge in the Yao wagon, half-hoping Shan will seek me out.  But he doesn’t.  Miserably, I go to bed and lie awake all night.  He’s leaving me.  Not because he’s following orders this time, but because he’s decided to.  How can he?  He said he’d never leave me again.  These thoughts go round and round for hours until suddenly an image comes into my mind:  the picture of a frightened girl huddled in a dark prison cell, abandoned by everyone, her young husband dead, her life at Xu Yating’s mercy.  I put my head in my hands with a groan.  Of course he has to go.  He didn’t know I’d made a promise to Yao Yuhan.  It’s just bad luck, bad timing, fate, call it what you want.

I’m being pathetic and childish.

I have to speak to him.  As dawn breaks, I dress and climb out of the wagon to find him.  It takes a while.  Then with a tug at my heart, I see him in the picket lines saddling up.

He’s leaving already.

I approach and say his name hesitantly.  I don’t quite know what I’m expecting, but he turns, seizes me and clutches me against him, one hand pulling my head back so he can find my mouth with his.  Such relief floods through me, I can hardly stand, but he’s holding me up while he kisses me as if the world’s coming to an end.  I hang on to him desperately, tears in my eyes.

He lifts his head and says, “Dear heart, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I have to do this.  Please forgive me.”

 “I know you have to do it and of course I forgive you.  Sorry I was such a melon-head.”

He kisses me again, gently this time, and holds me in his arms, my face buried in his shoulder as we stand there among the shifting horses.

“I’ve spoken to Hao Meng,” he murmurs into my hair, “He’ll find somebody to take my place.  I’ll be waiting for you in the capital.  When you get there, contact Liang Zhou.  I’ll leave messages.”

“Have you got enough money?”

“I’ve still got most of the money Lady Han lent me.  Say goodbye to everyone for me.”

“I will.  Take care of yourself.”

“You too.  But there shouldn’t be any more trouble – we’re almost back in civilization now.”

“Don’t get recognized.”

“Trust me.”

“I do.”

I don’t want to let him go.  It takes every ounce of determination to step back and watch him mount up.  He bends down from the saddle and strokes my face.  Then as I watch, he rides away.