War.

War never changes.

And sometimes life throws you a comical curve ball out of the blue.

---

A muddy courier entered my war-tent, taking refuge from the rain outside. 

Right fist over heart, he stood ram rod straight despite the greasy sweat of exhaustion showing clearly on his face.

"May the Duke's sword swing un-wavered." [Courier]

"Report."

"Despite some troubles, your wife has arrived at the capital safe and sound. Your steward is requesting your orders." [Courier]

Since I first gained awareness of my surroundings as a child I have been trained to show no emotions, be it when whipped, kicked, or cut.

This training now served me well.

My face stayed a serene mask.

I do not have a wife.

Nor a fiancee, nor ever a lover.

There are rumors about me, stating I make aesthetic celibate monks look like playboys.

I tapped the camp table a few moments to gather my thought before answering the courier.

"Indeed. Go have a rest and clean up. Report to me in the morning. I will have two dispatches for you." 

The courier bowed curtly and left.

A wife?

Intriguing...

I drafted two notes.

One to my trusted steward who looked after my estate in the capital.

"Steward, thank you for your service. Allow my wife all luxuries that our estate can offer. Ensure she is treated with the utmost care and respect. Inform me immediately if she has any wishes you cannot fulfill on your own."

The other missive I wrote in a code only myself and one other knew the key to - this would be delivered to a certain high-end bakery in the capital that I just happened to un-officially own.

"Goldwing Sigma Estate Reminder All Batter Bread Delico. Fortnight Careening Desire. Alpha."

In short, I was requesting my information network to ferret out all the data possible on my newly acquired "wife", no matter how mundane. 

That should be enough for now.

Let us see what cuckoo has made itself at home in my nest.

The next morning the courier left back towards the capital.

---

A few weeks later I received a reply to my coded missive.

"Katiana Belirosa, 22 years old.

Oldest daughter of Count Belirosa, known womanizer and gambler.

18 months ago Count Belirosa killed in duel after caught trying to force himself on a married woman.

Mother died when Katiana was 7 - suspicious circumstances.

Step-mother treated Katiana worse than a slave. Forced to work as an unpaid maid.

Frequent beatings, no schooling.

Fed table scraps on a good day - often rotten food only meal - frequently no food at all.

Very timid and subservient most of her life.

8 months ago Katiana's personality changed dramatically - reason unclear.

Shortly there-after left her home and disappeared for 7 months.

Arrived 3 weeks ago at Duke's estate in the capital on foot, claiming to be new duchess, having escaped brigands that had killed her escort.

Has in her possession marriage certificate with Duke's stamp and verified signature.

Servants and steward immediately took kindly to Katiana and treated her exceedingly well.

End of available data."

And from my steward I also received a report.

"Duke, may the Goddess guide your sword arm true and just. Your wife has arrived safely. Lacking previous communication from your Grace, I took the liberty to carefully and intensely verify the documents the Duchess has provided. Our Ladyship is an exceptional beauty with the utmost careful and delicate manners, and has won over the staff's hearts. Our Ladyship has asked to be of service to our Lord - as such I suggested she manage the household if she so wishes. Within the week she has not only deeply understood and improved the manor's  budget without causing any distress to our staff, but has also put forward unprecedented plans to improve living conditions in the Dukedom as a whole. Pending your approval, I hope my Lord will allow for our Lady's recommendations. I have included a copy of her work here. With respect, this is the first time I have come across such an intelligent and refined Lady. Both I and the senior staff are delighted that you have chosen our Ladyship as your wife. We hope for your speedy and safe return to her."

Hmmm.... Neither my stamp nor signature were easily forged, and the steward would have tested both for evidence of my magic.

Ergo - the marriage document was real - although I had no recollection of signing anything recently.

A quick read through the mystery wife's proposals indeed proved an intelligence and creativity that I had not met before.

How unexpected.

This was getting quite interesting.

My army and I were currently stationed at the border of the Empire, defending against an invading neighbor, the Kingdom of Trefold.

The fools thought they could take advantage of our Emperor falling ill recently.

Initially I was planning on going easy on the fools until they tired out and just retreated, but this new puzzle at home made me decide to end the scuffle immediately.

I rang the small bell that adorned my camp desk.

Without a sound one of my camp aids appeared.

"Sire?" [Aid]

"Tomorrow we will return home. Inform the commanders. I am heading out now. Just myself and the 100. Let the troops rest today." 

"Very good sire. The pages will arm you in a moment." [Aid]

The aid bowed before disappearing again as silently as they had arrived.

A few moments later seventeen full grown and muscular pages and smiths entered to dress me in my star-metal armor.

A single handful of star-metal was so heavy it took two full grown healthy and well trained men to carry even one section of my armor.

In minutes I was ready - my pages were indeed excellent.

Three smiths presented Bear-Grim to me - a sword so heavy no normal human could hope to even lift it by themselves.

Taking Bear-Grim with one hand and snapping it to my hip, I nodded at pages to dismiss them.

With a light step, I strode out of my tent into the cold morning rain.

---

The battle was short and one sided. 

Indeed it was not even a battle.

Within less than half an hour the invaders were fleeing in disarray, dropping their weapons in panic.

Up to today neither I nor my 100 elites had bothered to show ourselves at the front.

This allowed my army's newer recruits to gain some battle experience.

But today only I and my 100 elites rode towards the front line.

We rode on our half-dragons, our flags flying on poles fastened behind our saddles - our various insignia and armor glinting with sparks of silver lighting, especially visible in the clouded morning.

The lighting was just the effect of our residual magic of course.

They did not call my 100 elites the "Demon Army" for nothing after all.

At first the 40 thousand troops of the Trefold Kingdom shouted in derision at the tiny force that was galloping towards them.

The laughter died down in minutes once they saw what and who was actually approaching.

By the time we 101 reached the front lines, the opposing field was already almost evacuated.

My 13 commanders all scowled and various mutterings reached my ear.

"Eh? Are we not even going to have any exercise today?" [Egramora the Barbarian Queen]

"If I'd known this, I would have just gone hunting trolls today..." [Felinaro the Mad Mage]

"I was in the middle of reading a new romance novel... was just getting to the best lovey-dovey part, sheesh...." [Bartolo the Butcher of Maridia]

And so forth.

I raised my fist to signal a halt and turned in the saddle towards my commanders.

"Return to camp to prepare for departure on the morrow."

---

Two weeks later I rode through the front gates of my estate in the capital.

My steward stood at the head of a long double line of all the servants of the manor. 

Next to him stood a tall woman in an expensive but modest dress - no jewelry adorned her.

Her dark brown hair was tied up into a strict bun.

Almond shaped eyes gazed calmly at me as I dismounted my half-dragon mount.

---