“Let’s take the fireworks out into the garden and see if we can hit that big ugly koi with one!” Emi called loudly as she cracked the door to her house open and shoved her head inside.

“What?”

“Don’t worry! We have lots of firepower and it’s only the one fish. We’re having sushi tonight!” Emi ignored me and called louder into the house. What the hell was she doing? “What’s that? No problem! If it calls its friends, we simply carpet bomb the whole pond and sell sushi for extra money to use during New Year’s!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I demanded, shivering in the gathering gloom.

“She’s gone,” Emi grinned excitedly. “For whatever reason Ms. Harada has a THO for that ugly albino bastard.”

“What the hell’s a THO?” I asked, following her into the house and setting my shoes aside.

“Titty Hard On,” Emi explained as she walked toward the kitchen. “Why don’t you know these things?”

“What are you talking about?” I chuckled. “What the hell’s a THO? And why should I know it?”

“THOs happen when you get all hot and bothered by something and your nips get hard and can cut diamonds,” Emi explained as if it was the most logical, widely known thing to ever exist. “Everyone knows what a THO is. It’s common knowledge.”

“Ugh,” I shivered. “I don’t want to think about that, and I doubt everyone knows about it.”

“Think about what?” Emi put the bag on the counter and turned to me, her face a deceptive mask of innocence. “Ms. Harada’s nipples growing to the size of pudgy Vienna sausages atop her pale globes of quivering pudding flesh and straining achingly against her yukata with her desire to protect the fuckfish?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I shook my head in horror.

“How much time do you have?” Emi grinned at me. She turned back to the bag and dragged her sugary loot into a giant metal bowl.

“Not nearly enough.”

“Well, hit me up when you have more time, and we can discuss her nipples in greater detail. I have all the insider info.”

“Why do you know any of that?” I almost gagged.

“Do you really want to know?”

“No.” I most certainly did not. Even if Emi knew nothing and was making it up, I had an idea of Ms. Harada in my mind and did not want that pornified in any way.

“Want to help me get these candy bowls ready or would you rather we dive into the hinterlands under the granny panties?” Emi grinned at me in a way I found thoroughly disconcerting.

“I’ll help with the candy!” I nearly shouted, taking the trays she was offering.

“Bah,” Emi’s grin grew more pronounced. “I was going to tell you about the lush and fertile rolling plains beneath her hadajuban.”

“Just…stop,” I begged. “I don’t want to discuss Ms. Harada’s plains. I’d like to keep at least a few mysteries.”

“Ok,” Emi shrugged. “If you ever want to know, I’ve got the deets.”

“I don’t want ‘deets’. Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because I love you and love is pain.” Emi popped a sucker into her mouth and ran her tongue over it lasciviously.

“I reject your confession and pity any who might accept it,” I shook my head.

“I can tie a cherry stem into a butterfly knot with my tongue. You may want to rethink your rejection,” Emi slipped the sucker out of her mouth with a slurping sound and poked the bulbous end toward me for emphasis.

“Seriously?”

“No, but I practice every day,” she admitted.

“Come back to me with proof of your skill and we’ll discuss it,” I grinned at her. “Doesn’t mean I want to know anything more about Ms. Harada, though.”

“Awww,” Emi sighed. “Bummer.”

“So which candy goes in which bowl?” I stared down at the bowls lying on the counter and bags surrounding them.

“Candy with sticks go in that bowl,” Emi pointed. “Candy with wrappers but no sticks go in that bowl. Unwrapped candy that isn’t too sticky goes in that bowl and sticky candy without wrappers goes on top of wax paper in that bowl.”

“Aren’t they all going to stick together?” I asked as the doorbell rang.

“That makes it a test of strength. Be right back! Our first victim is here!” Emi called out as she bustled off toward the door. Well, as much as anything else I supposed it made sense.

“…and that’s why I don’t eat sugar out of the container anymore,” Emi’s voice grew louder as she and the first guest drew closer to the kitchen. Mizuki emerged in short order, a large backpack, and pair of giant bags in her arms, trailing dutifully behind Emi.

“Tell me we’re not just eating candy for dinner,” Mizuki sighed, eyeing the bowls of candy I was sorting warily. “I don’t want to get fat. Hi, Kasumi.”

“Heya, Mizuki,” I nodded with my head, tearing open the bags of candy and spreading them on the counter like some pirate’s haul of ill-gotten loot.

“You have some fluff but room for more!” Emi enthused, pinching Mizuki’s sides. With no ability to defend herself given her arms being full, Mizuki squealed and jumped in shock, nearly dropping her things.

“Stop that!” Mizuki growled.

“Don’t worry! We are going full Kaiseki tonight!” Emi pranced away from Mizuki’s wildly swinging bags and took shelter behind the counter with me.

“Really?” Mizuki asked, eyes widening. “You’re not making it are you?”

“I’m talking full course. Sakizuke, Hassun, Mukozuke, Shiizakana, the whole experience. It’ll be a night to remember!” Emi spread her arms wide as if to further emphasize the extent of the meal to come. I also noticed she ignored Mizuki’s question rather blatantly.

“Seriously?” Mizuki was getting excited at the prospect.

“Hell, no. We’re getting Dominos,” Emi grinned, ducking expertly as one of Mizuki’s over-stuffed bags whizzed past her head, slammed into the refrigerator, and lay still on the floor.

“Rude!” Mizuki huffed.

“Kidding! Kidding!” Emi giggled. “Ms. Harada set us up with an actual Kaiseki. It was a joke!”

“Which is it?” Mizuki looked like she was getting ready to throw the other bag and I began moving the bowls away from the impact area.

“Kaiseki! I was messing with you about Dominos,” Emi insisted, still laughing. “This is a special occasion and requires special food. We’re even going to eat in the dining room. I’m breaking out all the stops tonight!”

“Ok…” Mizuki was definitely not convinced.

“Once we’re all here Kasumi is going to help me serve the food and we will feast like the Samurai of old! If you want, I can even try to find some of those really big yukatas, so it looks like we all have tick heads like in the paintings.”

“Why do I have to serve?” I whined. “I have a broken hand.”

“Because I have deemed it so and thus it is. The mistress of the house has spoken!” Emi put her fists on her hips and spread her legs, throwing her head back nobly.

“The mistress of the house sucks,” I muttered, continuing to sort the candy.

“Where can I put my stuff?”

“Follow me, young one,” Emi beckoned Mizuki. “I will escort you to your room.”

“We each get our own rooms?” Mizuki sounded almost disappointed.

“Well, to put your stuff. We can all sleep in the common room or in our own rooms. The mistress of the house is benevolent and generous. As you can plainly tell.”

“Plainly,” Mizuki muttered, following reluctantly after Emi.

“Mizuki’ll be out in a minute,” Emi slid past me and opened the refrigerator. “She brought like eight towels. Who even has that many towels?”

“Your family has three walk-in closets filled with bath stuff, Emi,” I pointed out.

“True, but I don’t bring that many towels when I go places. Hey! Maybe she’ll do the dance of the eight towels!”

“I think it’s dance of the seven veils,” I pointed out. “Besides, we’re all going to be naked, I really would rather Mizuki not dance while getting there.” A thrill of excitement and fear coursed through me as I said it. We were all going to be naked. Aria was going to be naked. I was suddenly nervous.

“You have a good point,” Emi conceded. The doorbell rang again, and Emi’s grin broadened. “I bet you’d be all over Aria and Saki and me doing the dance of the seven veils, though!”

“Shut up and go answer the door ‘mistress of the house’,” I pushed her toward the entry hallway. If I was honest with myself, she wasn’t entirely wrong. Which, of course, made my anxiety worse.

“Oh my fucking god!” Emi screamed from the entry hall a few moments later. I rushed from the kitchen to confront whatever horror had visited Emi to find myself staring at the most adorable creature I’d ever laid eyes on.

Saki stood awkwardly; Emi draped around her, dressed from head to toe in a pale pink fox onesie. Emi was forced to physically hold the hood on her head as Saki was desperately pawing at it trying to remove it.

“Y-You said to wear pajamas, Emi senpai!” Saki stuttered as Emi rubbed her face on the soft plush fabric. Saki’s eyes found mine and her face turned beet red, her eyes widening in horror. “N-No!” she whispered.

“This is so amazingly adorable I can’t even!” Emi purred, rubbing her cheek on Saki’s hood. “Tell me you don’t want to just pop her head off because she’s too adorable to live.”

“P-Pop off my h-head?” Saki’s horror grew more palpable with each second.

“That…” I couldn’t deny she was gloriously cute. “Saki. I don’t want to pop your head off because it would be a crime to hurt something so adorable. Emi is a sociopath so don’t listen to her.”

“E-Emi senpai said to wear pajamas,” Saki repeated in self-defense, whilst also trying to ignore Emi rubbing on her. “But I’m the only one.”

“Did you tell her to wear pajamas?” I forced down the urge to rush over to Saki and rub my face on her as well with a monumental force of will.

“Maybe,” Emi admitted. “I thought I told everyone, but I get distracted sometimes.”

“Don’t worry! I’m still wearing my hakama,” I soothed, gesturing at the flowing red and white outfit.

“But you look beautiful and majestic!” Saki protested, glancing down at her glorious pajamas with a crestfallen look on her face. “I look stupid and childish.”

“You most definitely do not look stupid or childish. I’m sure Emi didn’t mean it to tease you, Saki. But…my god you’re adorable.” I couldn’t take it anymore and hurried forward and hugged her from the other side. Her onesie was softer than I imagined it to be and soon Emi and I were both rubbing our faces on a thoroughly mortified Saki. Her pink clad hand reached out hesitatingly and patted our heads.

“What are you two-oh my god!” Mizuki squeaked, rushing forward.

“Not you, too, Mizuki-senpai,” Saki protested weakly.

After several long moments of pure mortification from poor Saki we managed to peel ourselves off and apologize to a thoroughly humiliated Saki. Emi took her pink paw and happily rubbed it as she led Saki toward her room to put away her things.

“We probably shouldn’t have done that,” I muttered to Mizuki who placed herself beside me to help put the candy into their respective dishes.

“Yeah…” Mizuki nodded morosely. “She probably thinks we were bullying her.”

“Probably. Now I feel bad.”

“Me, too. To be fair, that fox onesie was beyond adorable,” Mizuki pointed out.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “Yeah, it was. We should apologize again, though.”

“Definitely.” The doorbell rang out and it felt like my heart was being gripped in a vise. It was Aria. I glanced down at my hand and found it was actually shaking a little bit. What was I nervous about? Honestly, I couldn’t quite say. It seemed to not be tied to some conscious thought so much as some primordial feeling I couldn’t quite explain. Whatever it was, I was nervous and a bit apprehensive and not, I had to admit, in a completely good way.

“Welcome!” Emi shouted. I heard Aria’s voice and the vice grip on my chest seemed to intensify. She was actually here and so was I. My shaking had intensified to the point I ran my hands through my hair to steady them.

“…and here’s the kitchen and check out this ass!” Emi exclaimed behind me, her hand smacking down on my right butt cheek with an audible snap, causing me to yelp in pain and spin around. Emi stood behind me grinning, a bemused Aria behind her. “Tell me that isn’t a fine ass. Even in a hakama you could, seriously, bounce a 100-yen coin off that butt and get some good air. Aria moved around Emi and ran her hand up my thigh and over my still-smarting cheek appraisingly.

“I believe you’re right, Emi,” Aria nodded. “That is a fine butt.”

“This is sexual harassment, you know,” I scowled at Emi, ignoring Mizuki’s look of awkward disbelief.

“Not yet,” Aria purred, leaving her hand on my ass seductively as she moved around me. Her breasts pressed against my shoulder as she moved, causing my face to flush. “But definitely later.”

“Now that we’re all together, let’s eat!” Emi exclaimed.