[The Invasion, 10 years ago]
Tomerarenai is being invaded by an enemy ship known as Muteki. The two captains, Ischyrós leader of Tomerarenai and Tolmirós leader of Muteki. In a heated battle Tolmirós attack's Ischyrós, Ischyrós manages to block and punches Tolmirós. Tolmirós fall's down, Ischyrós walk's up, he lifts up his sword to strike Tolmirós down. Tolmirós in a last ditch effort to survive strikes a pole holding up the crow's nest. The crow's nest lands on Ischyrós ultimately, killing him.
Tolmirós and his men kidnapped all of the women and children, one of these kids is the son of Ischyrós, Tomerarenai.
[Present Time]
Tomerarenai is sitting in the storage section of the pirate ship, he was busy thinking about all the other people who got taken from his father's ship who aren't alive. Tomerarenai is the only survivor of his father ship. Tomerarenai was named after his father's ship after all, his father loved that ship. Tomerarenai had a plan to avenge his father however, that would require to take over the ship.
See, a few year's back Tolmirós retired his duty as a pirate captain and gave it to his son who was also named after his ship, Muteki. Muteki was at time's worse than his father and loved mistreating Tomerarenai. Muteki has a younger brother who was nicknamed Adýnamos which also means weak. Despite Adýnamos being weak he was still Tomerarenai's closest friend so Tomerarenai was going to spare him.
[The Pirate Ship, Shrouds]
"Alright" Muteki say's "your job is to stay behind and look after the ship." Muteki tie's Tomerarenai to a pole on the ship. "Don't scream, slave" Muteki say's "oh and Adýnamos stay behind this maybe to hard for you", Muteki and the rest of his ship's leave.
"Hey Adýnamos, I need your help" Tomerarenai say's, "What is it?” Adýnamos answer's. “Can you remove these chain's there's and axes over there?" Tomerarenai asked, "I don't know I can't let the team down especially when I'm already hated” Adýnamos say's. "Well I understand after all, I guess i'll be a slave forever" Tomerarenai say's looking off. "Fine" Adýnamos say's, Adýnamos grabs the axe and slams it on the rope between the pole and Tomerarenai arm's.
"Thanks I'll come back” Tomerarenai say's "And trust me everything will be better".
[The town of mikró]
"From an old letter Muteki threw away I heard there are mercenary's living in this town" Tomerarenai says he walks around until he finds two people that catch his attention. "They match the description” Tomerarenai says as he walks up to them.
"Are you two mercenaries?" Tomerarenai asks, "Who wants to know?" Jakku answers. "A man who works for Muteki, I want him dead,” Tomerarenai says, revealing a gold necklace "If you help you get the ship". "What do you think sis?” Jakku say's, "I'd say we'd take the deal” Jiru say's.
[Back on the ship]
"Well look who's not on the rope" Muteki say's, "I'm sorry” Tomerarenai responds bowing down "Please forgive me". "I don't think so" Muteki says, grabbing a chain to eat Tomerarenai with "Any last words" he says, "Yeah, Attack" Tomerarenai say’s. Jakku and Jiru jump up, breaking the wood above "Let's rock" Jakku say's.
Men surround them, Jiru and Jakku look at each other. Jiru throw’s her scythe tearing through the oncoming pirate’s, Jakku jump’s up with his great sword and slams it down through a pirate’s head. Tomerarenai grabs a dead pirate's sword and he stands across from Muteki. “This is it” Tomerarenai think’s to himself “All my efforts are finally in fruition”.
“Well are you just going to stand there or attack?” Muteki say’s, Tomerarenai strikes Muteki in the stomach with his rapier then pulls out a dagger and stabs him through the neck. “Yeah I’ll attack” Tomerarenai say’s “you weren’t really all that powerful while you were upthere celebrating. I was training, training to get stronger to defeat you and your father”. “Dang it” Muteki say’s faintly, before he dies.
Tomerarenai Shout´s a victorious screech, Adýnamos looks around at the dead body filled with anger and sadness he looks at his brother and mumbles ¨I know you never loved me but, I won't let your death be in vain¨.
[The End … Of chapter one. Be sure to leave reviews]
Tell me what you guys think be, 100% honest. You can just tell me who you're favorite character's are.
My honest opinion is that you simply haven't written this chapter yet...
What you have reads like an outline, there simply isn't enough meat for a full scene anywhere here. We know nothing of what these characters look like, you bombard us with names that we have to remember without sufficient grounding, and you haven't given us much of anything to make us sympathetic towards Tomerarenai. Sure, he got enslaved and everyone he knew and loved got killed, but you're just telling us that, we have no indication of how Tomerarenai personally feels about all this, or any of his actions because the narrative just tells us what's happening as quickly as possible without giving us a look at his thoughts and emotions.
I can't bring myself to care about Adýnamos helping Tomerarenai escape because I don't feel their bond, nor the risk the former took in aiding the latter. I can't bring myself to care about the climatic moment where Tomerarenai plunges a dagger into Muteki's stomach because you haven't conveyed the resentment Tomerarenai felt for him beforehand and there's no sense of struggle.
Take a step back and spend some more words on developing your scenes. The way you're writing now feels jerky and unfocused. You don't have the benefit of music, or art, or actors, so you have to do your best to make sure the world in your head is the world that comes out on the page.
Some tips:
- You open on a tittle card that gets made redundant on the first line
[The Invasion, 10 years ago]
Tomerarenai is being invaded by an enemy ship known as Muteki.
Unless you're dealing with some fancy prose, (we choose to go to the moon...) you don't want to present the same information twice, it disrupts your flow at best and annoys your readers at the worst. Get rid of the card entirely or just say "10 Years ago"
- You need to pick a tense, past or present is fine (though the former is more common, and easier to execute), but you need to be consistent.
- You have several instances of incorrect apostrophe use:
Tomerarenai say's
should be
Tomerarenai says
and
Muteki and the rest of his ship's leave
should be
Muteki and the rest of his ships leave
In general, apostrophes indicate possessives, though there are exceptions with words like "your" and "its" (It was Harold's gun vs the gun belonged to Harold) or contractions (They're going to die vs They are going to die), not plurals.
- You need a new line every time you change speakers. This isn't too much of an issue when only two people are having a conversation if you can manage dialogue well, but it gets messy fast.
"Hey Adýnamos, I need your help" Tomerarenai say's, "What is it?” Adýnamos answer's.
Should be:
"Hey Adýnamos, I need your help" Tomerarenai says.
"What is it?” Adýnamos answers.
The good thing is that I can tell you know where you want to go with your story, and the mistakes that you're making are fairly consistent, meaning your writing quality will jump leaps and bounds with every hole you patch. My advice would be to bang out the rest of this story and use it as a learner's work, don't let anyone stop you, the only way to improve is to write!
I'd check out Ezn's guide (https://eznguide.neocities.org/) to get the basics down, it's where I started.
Thanks
Saw your post on the forum. Um, so far I can say that the entire past tense thing is a little weird and, don't know if you fixed this, says shouldn't have say's, nor should thanks have thank's. Other than that, I have no problems.
Thanks I do plan to reread it the problem is fixed in later chapters ,but I understand it's still weird
A little bit of grammatical error like the past tense words. Great start though
Thank's.