Chapter 2 - Messing with Menus

For a few moments, I laid there in total shock. The absence of wind ripping by my ears and the constant burn of it lashing my skin was so much of a welcome relief that I could scarcely force myself to move. However, as I was lying face first in a puddle, the need for air compelled me to raise my head and gasp for breath. And then, directly beside me, I heard a crash like someone had just piledrived a fax machine. I jerked my head around to see the remains of the old office chair I had been sitting in — worn back rest and all — settling into a scattered pile. A few seconds later, its loose wheel landed just a scant inch from my nose, splashing me with muddy water.

Blanching, I slowly sat up. I was sitting in a wheel ditch in a dirt road cutting through this forest. Muddy from rain, of course. I climbed my way out of the ditch and into the grass — flinging mud from my hands and scrubbing it from my face and hair. Looking down at myself, my clothes were a total wreck. What was left of my cheap ‘formal’ office clothes were in tatters and filthy with wet black mud. The only scrap of clothing I had left that were in any kind of condition was my leather belt — a gift from my grandmother — and my office shoes. They were a brown leather that were riddled with cracks that said cheap yet comfortable. Fortunately, my boxers were in one piece, as well. Though, they too were soaked. All in all, I looked like I had been hit by a bomb. A wet, muddy bomb.

Looking around, I was in what looked like a deciduous forest. Apparently, it was fall wherever I was, because the leaves were turning all sorts of shades of red and orange. Unless, of course, that’s just how trees are around here. If they have floating islands, then for all I know, the trees could be purple! The forest itself seemed to be somewhat maintained and cleared of underbrush for about a half a dozen yards away from the road. That meant people. The question was — as I slowly scanned the road to my left and then right — which direction were they?

For the moment, though, I needed to sit and take stock of myself. Survival could wait until I got my feet under me, I decided. Recent events had taken some precedent, but just a few moments ago, I had been falling through a hole in the world and talking to a blue menu screen. And that was a sentence that I never thought I’d need to assemble.

“Uh? Menu screen? Where am I? What is going on?” The Menu did not deign to respond.

Well, the menu screen seemed to be throwing game terms at me. Maybe I can use game commands?

“Uh… Map?”

At that, there was a light blip. And then up popped…

Huh.

Well, that was something anyway. I wondered how that would work. I bet I’ll have to pay for that Unlock, too. Hope they take cash. Suddenly, it occurred to me to check my pockets. My wallet was gone. And my phone. And my car keys. My pockets were ripped clean through.

Frantically, I searched around me. If that garbage-ass office chair came through, then my stuff should be around here somewhere. But I couldn’t see them anywhere. Crap on a stick. Maybe they landed off in the forest somewhere. And then reality came back to me. The hell am I going to do with that stuff anyway. Although, it wouldn’t hurt to check to see if there’s a cell signal. Faint hope that.

So, for a few minutes I took the time to search my immediate area. Eventually, I did find my car keys. I decided to take them with me. Who knew? I might make it back. My wallet was no where to be found, though. Finally, right next to a largish boulder some yards from where I’d landed, I found the remains of my cell phone. Apparently, it had smashed into said rock on landing. It had not survived.

I sighed. Eh, it was a piece of shit anyway.

I automatically went to put my keys into my pocket, but of course, they fell strait through my tattered pants and landed on my shoe. Feeling three shades of dumb ass, I picked up my keys again, and slipped a finger through the ring. As I idly twirled them around my finger, I wondered, “Now what?”

I wonder if there’s an inventory screen. That would be nice.

“Inventory?”

Okay. That made sense. Inventory in games was just a way to show what you had in your bags anyway. I’d bet if my pockets weren’t ripped, it would have registered them as ‘Storage Containers’. But that raised the question as to why an ‘inventory screen’ needed to be a thing in this scenario. I’d need to ask someone about that.

On that note… there had been some discussion about character class before… I wonder where I would find that?

“Uhm… character screen?”

Okay… Okay. That’s a character sheet alright. Core level 1. Why ‘Core’ level? Were there sub-levels? Side levels? Maybe it was a multiclass thing. And no clan. Does it mean that I don’t have a family? Or is that like in games with guilds and such. Could be.

My class is Lilim Trainer? The heck is a Lilim? Some kind of monster? Elemental? I considered the possibilities for a bit. It could have been nearly anything, for all I knew. The trainer part was the only real hint. I had to assume that I was going to have catch or purchase a ‘Lilim’ and train it. Train it to do what, exactly?

And ‘Marked by the Watcher’? That sounds… ominous. I thought for a moment. But it says ‘sign’. Could be a star sign kind of thing? I had nothing to go on yet. But… if it’s like the ‘Elder Scrolls’ it could be a buff.

Uh… okay, sure. Strength, agility, all pretty normal… Only 3 Charisma? That’s harsh. I paused. No, that’s fair. I had always been a bit… shall we say… taciturn? Although my mother had always said I was handsome. Not that that counted. Currently one? Unclean and ruined clothes. I looked down at myself. Totally fair.

But then I stopped. Wait a minute. What do these stats even mean? 5 Strength? Out of what? Is that average? Weak? It didn’t make a lot of sense, really. I was pretty used to these kinds of things from games, but in reality, you couldn’t quantify a person’s physical strength with a single number. There were too many variables. Fast twitch muscles versus slow twitch. Arm strength versus leg strength versus core strength. Plus, a person’s strength affected too many things, like endurance, speed, and jump height to name a few. And skill was a factor in using all of those things. How do you take all of that and sum it up with the number 5? I shook my head. You’re thinking too hard about this. Just go with the flow for now. You can pick these apart later.

Let’s see… what else?

Manic Force and Breadth? Those were new. Manic like in mana? Or is that the power of my own insanity? What a horrifying concept. For a moment, my imagination spun out of control with the possibilities implied by wielding the power of mania. But then I shook my head in dismissal. There’s no way.

Lilim Slots 1. And empty. Okay, for sure some kind of pet class, then. But only one slot? Either Lilim were quite powerful individually, or I was too weak to control more than one. Maybe both. So many questions.

My eyes eventually drifted to the bottom of the screen. Oh, hello! Points available! I lightly clapped my hands together in boyish excitement, then scoffed at myself in embarrassment. Ah, you dork.

I reached to poke the little box showing that I had Stat Points available, and a new box appeared. This one just showed my stats from Strength through Charisma with little pluses and minuses next to them. The minuses where grayed out. I nodded. No min-maxing.

Okay… well, assuming that Toughness is what I think it is, then that’s going to be my go to. I want to stay alive at all costs. So, I poked the little plus next to Toughness which immediately incremented up to 4, causing the plus to gray out and the minus to pop up. No monolithic builds then. And looks like I’ll be able to play with these until I finalize it. That’s good.

What else? Agility for sure. I figured that avoiding damage would be within the wheelhouse of Agility, and if that were a thing, then I was all about it.

Strength? Mmm… no. I was a decently strong guy already, or so I had been told. Mostly leg strength. I supposed that was from my above average height and the podge I’d put on over the years since college. But I was hardly a bodybuilder.

Mental stats… Well, Intelligence is usually the go to stat for magic users. I don’t know if I am one though… Can I back out of this? I glanced down and sure enough, there was an Accept and a Cancel button. Hitting Cancel, my full Status reappeared. I quickly went to poke the ‘Skill Points available’ button, but then I stopped and instead touched Intelligence. Maybe there’s some tooltips in here somewhere?

Okay, that’s about what I thought. Looking down, I moved to select Wisdom next.

I sat there drumming my fingers on my knee for a while as I considered that. All pretty bog standard, so far. I glanced over at the ‘Manic’ stats, and out of curiosity, I tapped the top one.

My head canted to the side as I read that message. “Oh, really?” So, it was going to be like that? I smiled a bit. I did appreciate when a game didn’t do a lot of handholding. So, my menus won’t tell me what I don’t already know? But that didn’t quite track. After all, I didn’t know that I was a Lilim Trainer or even that ‘Manic Force’ existed until the menu told me about it. The only thing that I could think of was that either I already did know what those things were — somehow. Or I had subconsciously guessed at them somewhat in the right vein. Or… or this ‘game’ was just poorly constructed. With nothing else to go on, I dismissed that notification.

Let’s go ahead and look at these skills, then. Pressing the ‘Skills Available’ button, a new sub-menu appeared. It merely read ‘Current Skills’ and ‘Purchase New Skills’. I guess I should see what I’m working with first.

That’s it? Only one single skill. Frustrated, I poked at the word ‘Lilim’ trying to at least get a definition.

Well, now, that’s interesting. So, then I did have some concept of the term. I tried to think of where I might have heard it before, but I was drawing a blank. What had I been thinking when I was assigned this class? I couldn’t remember that either. Something about pet classes, I was sure. Admittedly, a lot had happened all at once.

Also, what qualified as ‘defeated’? Near death? Unconscious? That could be tricky. And here I was with no real combat ability to speak of. I looked over at the remains of the office chair. I supposed that I could tie one of those wheels to a stick or something. That would smart to bean something over the head with.

Sighing, I lowered my head into my hands. I was having a psychotic break, wasn’t I? This couldn’t be real. They would find me in a closet somewhere in the Steg-o-call with a crudely constructed office chair mace ranting about unhelpful skill menus. I would go on to become an urban legend passed on through middle management lore until the end of days. I swatted a mosquito on my neck.

Whatever. If I’m crazy, then let’s be crazy.

So, I looked back at my one little skill. Why only the one? I had loads more skills than that. “What about cooking? Or computer use? I even know how to knit!” A little. It had been a while. I looked around. I wasn’t embarrassed about it. Not really.

I had to suppose that whatever this game was, it didn’t track everything you knew how to do. It probably was restricted to class abilities or something. I wondered if I learned how to use a sword or a bow if that would show up. Or an atlatl. Heh. Oh please, don’t be that low tech. It might only show things after I appeared — or was dropped into — this land. There was too much I didn’t know.

Rubbing my chin for a second, I muttered, “What is my knitting skill?”

There we go. I guessed it just didn’t bother to show you things you didn’t care to know at the moment. Which, now that I thought about it, was a pretty good design philosophy. Could you even imagine a system that would show you each and every little skill you had ever accumulated over the course of your life every time you looked at your character screen? Especially at high levels? What a bloated mess that would be.

But then… how did you get such a list?

“Show all my skills?”

What followed was a nightmarish hellscape of a list that went on and on about literally everything I had ever done or attempted. Things from ‘Horseback Riding: 1’ — a thing I had done all of once back when I was in Middle School — to ‘Masturbation: 17’ — a fact I really didn’t need to know about myself — scrolled past so fast I scarcely had enough time to read them. Some skills were grayed out, like ‘Automotive Repair: 5’. I guessed those wouldn’t be usable around here. Finally, having had enough, I waved my hands through the list, shouting, “Enough! Enough!” The list vanished mid-scroll somewhere in the ‘Rs’.

Alright. Let’s see what I can buy with these skill points, then. Here again, I was given a sub-menu with two choices. ‘Active’ and ‘Passive’. Oh, passives! The ‘always on’ nature of passives usually appealed to me over other types of skills. Though they tended to be weaker, overall.

…oh NO! That was way too broad of a question. I mean, come on! Immortality, maybe?!

That sentence caused my eyebrows to try and recede into my hairline.

A-buuuuuuh…

Of course, it didn’t bother to mention what those requirements might be. That would be too easy. Can’t have every Tom, Dick, and Harry picking up that particular gem, can we? And lesser, huh? That implied levels of immortality!

Oh, hoo hee hoo hee hoe! We have acquired a goal!

Shaking off my excitement, I tried to think of something that might be in the cards for someone my level.

“Uh… some kind of regeneration, maybe?”

“What types are there?” The menu, as usual, was not forthcoming.

“Okay… how about health regeneration?”

“What the hell do you mean what type of health?!” I raged. “Wound recovery, maybe?!”

Neat. I wasn’t exactly sure what ‘life energy’ was supposed to be, of course. Calories, maybe? Not having scars would also be kind of a nice feature. Then again, they say that chicks dig scars. The concept of limb regeneration was also interesting. I assumed I would have to pick up a stronger version of the skill to unlock that. I would definitely have to grab this skill, but I wasn’t so sure that now was the right time. After all, I didn’t even have any offensive abilities. At low levels, it was always better to just hack and slash your way to victory rather than endure. At least in games.

So, I said, “No,” and went back to choose ‘Active’ skills.

“Mutha…”, I clenched my fists and then let out a breath. It’s okay. It’s okay. You had to know this was coming.

“I would like some kind of attack skill, please.”

“Oh, you ho-bag! I will crack you like a glow stick!” What kind of garbage tier class had I been saddled with? No attack skills?! How was I… wait…

“What about indirect attack skills?”

Here we go. There were lots of ways you could go about attacking a person without causing direct harm. I scratched my lower lip in thought. The question was, what could I get away with as a ‘Lilim Trainer’?

“Well… let’s probe this thing a bit.”

“Uhh… how about poison?” I asked searchingly.

“Uh… no? I mean that’s interesting and all, but that wasn’t really…” Wait. Ugh… Pedantic son-of-a…

“I want a skill to help envenom an enemy,” I said, my eyes rolling in disgust.

That’s closer. I think I’m starting to get a clearer picture of what this class is supposed to do now. Especially with that ‘only allies’ business. I’m a buffer. I still wasn’t sure what this ‘life energy’ was supposed to be about, though. Although, I had a guess. It must be important or else it wouldn’t come up so often. I decided to give the word a poke just to see if I was on the right track.

Okay. That made a degree of sense, and was in line with what I was thinking. I glanced at my character sheet again, but I didn’t see any mention of it.

“How much life energy do I have?”

I had to suppose that might be useful at some point. For now though, I figured my stomach would let me know if I was running low. Good old ‘predation’ had worked for me so far.

After that, I tried several other approaches at getting myself a decent attack skill, but everything I could think of ultimately led me back to my central problem of needing a ‘Lilim’. Of course, it didn’t help that the menu would only give me information on things that I myself had thought of. If this were multiple choice, I might have had an easier time of it.

Temporarily closing out of the endless blue boxes, I sat back and closed my eyes to think. How to get around this problem. I breathed deeply for the first time since coming to this place. The air was musty with the smell of the nearby stagnant water, but the breeze was cool and refreshing. The leaves were swaying in the wind, and I enjoyed, for a moment, the sound of thousands and thousands of them brushing against one another.

“What kind of place is this, anyway,” I wondered. Would it have an adventurer’s guild? Blacksmiths clanging away in walled villages? Deep dank dungeons full of ravenous undead… Of course! The memory of hordes of sleeping draugr in ancient Nord crypts just waiting for a silent dagger to their hearts flashed through my mind. What was the most broken-ass skill in all of gaming? Stealth, obviously!

The question, though, was whether I could qualify for it. “I would like the stealth skill!”

Oh.

Of course, I had it already. I had successfully sneaked up on people loads of times. Mostly for pranking purposes, you understand. Good times.

“What about some kind of…” I waved my hands vaguely, “magical… stealth? Like invisibility?”

The menu took a couple of seconds to respond this time. Did it need to parse my question somehow?

It wasn’t quite what I was hoping for, to be honest, but it had potential. I had to assume that this was meant to work in tandem with my pet or ‘Lilim’ or whatever grabbing all the attention. Essentially, it was an aggro management tool. Even so, I could absolutely exploit the hell out of a skill like this.

“Yes, please.”