...

On a very hot day within the summer season, a very cute girl in my class asked me to meet her after school behind the school building. I thought that she was going to ask me to do something and didn't want anyone to hear about it, but what exactly happened was beyond my expectations.

...

"I-I like you, please go out with me!"

...

How is this happening?

One of the most popular girls in my class just declared her love for me despite how hot today is. Her eyes are looking at me seriously without blinking, and I can feel how serious she is telling me this.

If I were a normal guy, I would obviously accept this confession straight away. People will even call me stupid if I refuse this, and it's true. This girl named Tsurihara Makino is one of the most popular girls in class. No, scratch that. She is one of the most popular girls in our school. She is known for being athletic, energetic, and easy to talk to. She is currently well known as Ace of running club, and I know the whole school was expecting her to win a competition this summer.

And her appearance is undeniably stunning. With a height of 165 cm, ideal body posture, white polished skin, chest size C, a pink bob haircut, and don't forget her unique feature heterochromia eyes yellow and red, she really looks like an idol or model you read in the magazine or watch on television. I heard a rumor that she used to be a model, and I won't be surprised if that's the truth.

And then, there is me. People know me as Renata Ren, my nickname obviously Ren. A normal male high school student with an ordinary appearance, generic style black hair, 170 cm height, and nothing special. I may be a little smart, but that's because I have to keep my scholarship. I train my body, but I'm sure no one knows about it except for the three people in this school. I even tried to pretend to be sick during this year's weight and height inspection to avoid people knowing about my inner appearance. So, appearance-wise I was never able to be compared to the Tsurihara Makino.

I'm pretty sure that the girl in front of me has her own fan club.

Well... Even I accept it, I know myself better than I really can't accept her feeling. At least, until I overcome my own problem. Let's ask her reason first.

...

"Can you tell me first, why... do you like me?"

Hearing my question, for a few seconds I saw her face turn slightly red. 

So cute, the blushing Tsurihara-san. 

She took a deep breath and answered me. "Because you are so kind and warm, Ren-san. You are so reliable that I can't help but come to like you as a person."

Really? She thinks of me as kind and reliable? 

...I'm not a kind person, far from it. She judged me wrong, she didn't know what kind of person I was on the inside.

I'm a stupid person.

I shook my head rejecting what she just said about me and replied "I am... kind? You must be joking with me. I am not kind. I am a bad person. Seriously."

...I looked up at the sky and laughed to myself about how stupid I was in the past. If I was really kind and reliable like she just said, that incident wouldn't have happened to my childhood friend.

Always remind yourself, that I am a stupid person.

...

As I keep self-deprecating myself. Suddenly, Tsurihara responded by saying  "No."

"No?"

I got a strong sense of trauma at this moment but I quickly brush it off.

She took another deep breath and said to me loudly "Don't sell yourself short! I know you are always helping anyone who asked you, and you are always so reliable to everyone, Classroom Representative! You are kind, and you should believe what I said!!"

!!!!

I was surprised to hear her angry reaction. She really thought that highly of me, huh? I didn't expect her to say that out loud. What if someone else finds out what's going on here!?

I guess I should apologize first.

"I see... sorry."

She nodded and replied "It is okay! So, do you accept my confession? It takes a lot for a girl to confess her feeling you know?!"

...She also becomes tsundere now?!

I take a deep breath and begin to take this seriously. From my observation so far, she truly likes me as a person, not based on my appearance or wealth. 

...I admit we often chat in class, but I do that with everyone. Did she come to like me because of that?

After all, I did that because I don't want to be hated anymore.

...

...

"Can you... wait for my answer? I need to think seriously about this."

I give my answer to the Tsurihara-san politely and tried to muster the best kind of smile I could offer to her.

"Y-Yes! Of course, you did. Just call me if you have the answer!"

...After that, she bow toward me and then ran off quickly off the scene. I can't help but admire how fast this girl running, despite being a girl, she is just too fast. 

Not faster than myself but still pretty impressive.

As expected of an athletic.

>>>>>

After Tsurihara-san's confession, I walked to the school gate to meet my best friend who was waiting for me there.

Among the people waiting at the gate, I could see my friend waving at me from afar.

Masaru Daiki, Or Dai. He is my closest friend at school since the first day I transferred to this school. Has the appearance cool guy with spiky black hair, and his trademark stupid smile. 

Excluding my parents, he is the person I trust most, and for a good reason. He is the example of a kind person, not me.

...

"Sorry for the long wait. Had to do something back there."

Daiki just smiled at me and answered "Don't sweat it, man, let's just move. The day is getting hotter. I wouldn't be surprised if I got a tan."

"Today is already summer anyway."

"Yes, Yes Mr. Smarty Pants."

"What is that childish response, Dai."

...

We both walked back from school while joking with each other along the way.

>>>>>

On the road, while the road was filled by nothing but us, Without any sign Daiki suddenly asked me a confusing question with a big stupid smile on his face.

"So, how was it?"

"How?"

...I had a feeling he knew what had happened earlier, so I pretended not to know what he meant.

Daiki patted my shoulder and said "I know Makino-chan finally got the courage to confess to you, huh! Good for you, man!"

...And my guess is right, he really knows what happened earlier. It didn't surprise me since this guy for some reason knows a lot of things that happened in the school.

"Alright, you win. How did you know that?"

"It was obvious, a lot of girls have the hots for you. Even girls from other classes have their eyes on you, you know?"

"You didn't really answer my question, Dai."

"Hahh... Neither you do, Ren. Never underestimate my network man. But be careful, I bet her fans will try to capture and torture you if the news gets out to them."

...I didn't answer his question because I am not sure what he wants to do knowing that. Of course, I realized, some people tried to get close to me. I'm not dense, I even know that his sister is also trying to get close to me. I'm not trying to be popular, but that's what's happening to me now for reasons I don't quite understand.

Tsurihara told me that I am kind? She doesn't know me well. I am far from kind.

...

"Anyway, did you accept her confession?"

Hearing Daiki's question, I let out my breath and answered "I said to her to wait for my answer. I will... need time to think about this. You know, I can't take this lightly."

"I see. That makes sense."

Daiki nodded understandingly about my predicament. Daiki also knows about my past, so he doesn't try to force me and make me uncomfortable.

...I will say again, Daiki is really my best friend.

"Anyway, you need also consider other girls too. You had a lot of choice man, don't win Makino-chan just because she did confess first."

"What are you talking about?"

...Scratch that a bit, sometimes he did loves to push my nerves and annoyed me.

"Hahahaha, nothing. Anyway, want to play Mintendo Smack Bros today? At your apartment of course."

"Sure, but don't cry if you keep losing from me."

"Hah, you will eat your own words later, bro!"

...

As we planned, he actually came over to my place after changing and then we played smack bros until the evening like how the best friend spent their time together. 

>>>>>

Before trying to sleep, I tried to remind myself why it is impossible for the current me to accept Tsurihara's feelings. Let me backtrack a bit of what is my own personal past.

Once in the past, I have a childhood friend named Rosa back in my hometown. My biggest regret of life. The reminder of how being dense is not helping anyone in real life.

Short story, We have known each other back from elementary school first year, we lived close to each other at the time, so along with other kids in the neighborhood, we used to play together a lot.

As cliche sounds it might be, I was known as a nerdy and smart guy in the class and Rosa was known for being a cute but stupid girl.

The polar opposite of me, and yet we were always together like a normal childhood friend story you find in a book.

Because of that, I always ended the need to help her every time she got homework and something. I did complain a lot back then, but she never feel remorse at all but instead love to hug me whenever she want to. Clingy was really an understatement back then.

I should know back then, that she is already liking me at that time.

Sometimes the thought of 'she might be like me' did appear on my head, but I always brush it off thinking that just her being stupid to not know how to give a proper thanks to me.

...I was the one who was stupid.

...She blamed me for being dense, to not accepting her feelings. Yes, it was really my fault back then. Because I didn't aware of her advance of all that time, She tried to take extreme measures, in the hope to change the status of our relationship at that time.

Which proved to be a fatal mistake.

She got the stupid idea of getting herself a bad boy kind of boyfriend in our first year high school period trigger my jealously. 

But again, I was stupid back then. So it doesn't work at all for me.

She was hoping that I would admit my feeling or at least trigger jealously of me that she got her first boyfriend.

Unsurprisingly, I wasn't aware of her intention at all. And to make it worse, I was genuinely happy about her relationship at that time, even if I didn't like the guy she chose.

And then... the incident has happened, She was got 'broken' by the very same bad boy, her first boyfriend.

They do the deed and it was proven to be a lifetime mistake for her.

...It was all over the local news when that happen. Imagine 16 years old got pregnant while still in school. Our town was pretty small, and every news that came out would become a hot topic for everyone in the town.

The bastard boy himself also quit the school quickly the next day when the news came out and move away along with his family. I am still looking for them to this day, mind you. But that will be thought for later.

...

I still remember that time clearly, when she blamed me for everything that happened.

>>>>>

On that day, after school, I immediately went to her house to meet Rosa. Her mother let me into her room hoping I could comfort her, and all I got was a look of disdain from her for the first and last time.

...I remember the first time she asked me why am I here and I didn't know what to say.

"Why are you here?" 

"It is your childhood friend, you know the reason-"

"No."

"No?"

Hearing my answer in a confused tone, her expression changed to anger and tears started to fall from her eyes. She then said

"I... hate you... Ren"

"...What?"

Hearing her hate me without me knowing the reason, obviously, I was confused and tried to ask what she meant.

"This is all happening because of you."

"...Rosa?"

...

She was got quiet for a moment, and then spontaneously shouted angrily at me "Why didn't you accept my feeling back then?!"

"Feeling?... What... do you mean?"

"I always love you! You have taken care of me since forever and expect me to not like you?! I know you are smart, Ren!"

...!!!!!

At that moment, I realized what just Rosa meant. Everything connected clearly in that instant, and then guilt along with fear filled my mind.

"...I didn't... realize... So all this happen..."

"But I always say it, I like you, I like you, I like you every day but you never realize it back in middle school, for straight 3 years! no, it was whole 9 years considering elementary school!"

"I ...thought you were joking... of all that... "

"You know, I am stupid so I don't know what I should do to get your attention! My friend was told me to get myself a boyfriend to get you jealous and yet you are not even disappointed about it, to make it worse you even wish me to be happy with that bastard!"

"...What... But... I am sorry..."

"My life is ruined! Do you think a sorry would be enough?! Did you think I am happy right now!?"

"I... will..."

"Get out, Ren! I hate you! Don't ever appear in front of me again!"

"Ros-"

"GET OUT!"

"Listen to--"

"GET OUT!!!"

!!!

She kept yelling angrily at me and also begin throwing her books at me, which forced me to get out of her room.

...!!!!

*Bang*

!!!!

I... have no idea at all, It was truly my fault.

My mind went blank at that moment.

Everything happened because I was not aware of her feeling. I who was known to be a smart person turned out to be very stupid not to realize the feelings of my childhood friend for years.

"Ahh... Ah.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

I couldn't help but cry with deep regret at that very moment. Tears welled up in my eyes, my voice cracked, and in my mind, I wished I could turn back time to prevent this from happening. 

A moment later, Rosa's mother came to hug me from behind. She didn't say anything, but I also felt guilty that I failed to protect her only daughter.

"I ...am a sorry ...aunt, I didn't..."

"This is my fault, Ren. The girl was taking the wrong path because I am such a failure mother to guide, to educate her as her mother. Stop blaming yourself. For now, you should go back home and also calm yourself down. Leave Rosa matter with me."

I did what Rosa's mother told me, I went home and locked myself up for days being depressed and being sad most of the time. Easily the worst week of my life.

...

A week later for the very first time, I come back to school again since I can't keep myself depressed forever. However, I also got info that Rosa also dropped out of school and also moved away from the town where we are growing together. Until now, I didn't hear any more info about her or her mother as if they were completely gone off the earth. It is the best for everyone though, as Rosa hates me and I am too coward to ask forgiveness.

Still, I pray for her safety, her mother's safety, and her baby... wherever they are right now.

At that time I can't help but blame myself even more for such tragedy happening to her, even now... I still can't help but blame myself even further. And following her suit, a few days later I also transfer my school to another town to start a brand new life. Living in that town reminded me of what happened to Rosa, and thankfully my parents understand and even let me live in my own secured apartment.

That's how I became a transfer student during the second semester, my first year as a high school student and also begin to living on my own.

>>>>>

Back to the present time which is a year later, Now I already know the answer to Tsurihara's confession today. I take out my phone and send a text message to Tsurihara-san via my contact list.

...

[I am sorry, but I can't accept your feeling due to my own problem.]

I press send and quickly turn off my phone immediately to avoid seeing a response come from her.

...

...

After all this time, I am still a coward in the heart.

>>>>>