Not so super -- Chapter 19
After that I had to drag myself back to my apartment conversation with Jenny. I was drained. How close had she really been? Had my actions saved her life? Had I been a hero? If so, I should have felt elated. But I didn’t. I felt spent. I unlocked the front door, passed through the entryway and unlocked our apartment. I called out for Mom. She wasn’t home. It was just me. I dropped my bag and sat down at the dining room table. For a while, I did nothing, but I couldn’t sit there forever. I pulled out my phone and stared at it.
I wanted to reach out to Channy. I didn’t know how. I had avoided telling Channy about Jenny. I didn’t know how to start. I turned the phone over and over in my hand, trying to figure out how to begin. Finally, I just threw myself in.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Hey. What’s going on?
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Her answer came quickly.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Not much. Just got out of the shower.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
I had a rough night.
Just need to get my mind off of it.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Here's something to distract you… Towel off!
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I stared at the DM in total confusion.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Pajama top on!
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Comprehension was beginning to emerge.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Pajama bottom on…
Did you enjoy the show? ;-)
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I didn't even realize that I had typed a response until after I had sent it. I sat there, reading my own DM, with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
I wish! Any pics to add to my collection?
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There was a long pause. Now I knew what Channy looked like during these pauses. I imagined her sitting there, shifting uncomfortably while staring at her shoes. I wished that I hadn’t sent that DM. I felt so bad for making her feel uncomfortable.
And then my phone buzzed. A jpeg had arrived.
My breath stopped, then came out in a ragged, labored jumble. My fingers shook as I clicked on the icon to open it.
It was Channy.
Wearing the smuggest of smug smiles.
And her big, thick glasses.
And shocking pink, but otherwise modest pajamas.
And she was holding up a sign that read
“Makes. Prudent. Choices.”
I felt my face turn red. I was suddenly glad to be so far from Channy. While I was drowning in my embarrassment, her next DM came in.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
I suppose I would have been disappointed if you hadn't tried ;-)
So what was on your mind?
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Right. The last two minutes’ worth of imagery had totally driven tonight out of my head. Channy’s DM brought it all crashing back. But what could I say? I’d worked so hard to keep Jenny out of our conversation. I couldn’t talk about her now. I decided to go with ambiguity.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
One of my friends was having a crisis.
I was sitting with him for a while.
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Him. I was back on dangerous ground. My last attempt at deceiving Channy had ended in disaster. But that time I was protecting myself. This time, I felt that I was legitimately looking out for Jenny. That had to excuse my behavior, right? I wasn’t sure. If Channy knew the truth, she didn’t let on. But as I’d learned, she had no need to tip her hand. She knew what truths would eventually come out of me. She could afford to be patient.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
I'm so sorry Rick.
I didn't mean to make light of it. :-(
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It was nice of her to say so, but I noticed several things: The emoticon and the lack question. ChannyOne was clearly in control of the phone. ChannyTwo would have at least asked how I was doing, although she probably already knew. But it was ChannyThree who I needed. I had no tricks for coaxing her onto the phone. Painfully, I decided to steer the conversation away.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Driving test is Saturday.
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We’d been texting about the upcoming test for some time now. Kenneth had determined that the only way for me to be with him -- and use my Jedi Mind Trick -- was to take the test in the same slot. Mom wasn’t going to pay for me to get my drivers license. When I told Kenneth that, he offered to pay. I tried to refuse but he was unpersuadable, a steam roller that brooked no objection.
In the end, I accepted his generosity. We nailed the written test. Gers had already gotten his license. He tried to give us advice. But Channy had been my chief collaborator.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
It's okay if you don't want to talk about your friend.
Let’s run through your strategy for Thursday.
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Yes, ChannyOne. Let’s.
I was extremely nervous about Saturday. Not for my test. I was sure that I would pass. I wasn't even worried for Kenneth. He’d done this so many times. He had to get lucky eventually. I was worried that he'd decide I was a fraud. I was worried that he was counting on me. He was going to be bitter at my lack of help. I couldn't help but think of Channy’s old friends who had deserted her once the novelty wore off.
I’d tried to make up for my future lack of performance by helping him get ready for the big day. But he really knew his stuff. The harder we worked, the less it all made sense. How had he ever failed?
Talking about the driving test was nothing like talking about the math meets. Ostensibly, we had been looking for strategies. In reality, there was almost nothing to be done. During the math meets, there were the well defined problems of nausea and voices. Here, we had to find a solution with no clear problem. How could I listen to the examiner and figure out what Kenneth was doing wrong?
I had joked about sneaking a drink to prime my ears. Channy had become fierce and angry. Even through her DMs I could tell how mad she was. I wondered, not for the first time, if she knew something I didn't want to know, something about me and alcohol.
It was wonderful to have Channy. It was wonderful to have someone I could talk to about this. She was the one person who believed I could even be in this situation. Our conversations kept me sane, even if we didn't come up with a real strategy.
And Channy did have one major advantage over Kenneth: she could offer incentive.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
If you and Kenneth both pass, I'll rent a car so you can take me on a proper date!
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It would be a while until she could make good on that promise.
The next night, Friday night, was the day before the test. Mom had decided that “Groundhog Day" best set the mood, given Kenneth’s repeated attempts at passing the test. She had passed out fifteen minutes into the movie but I was too anxious to sleep. I reached out to Channy.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Can I ask you a question?
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Sure!
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Now that you're in college, you must have big, tough tests.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Plenty!
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I had to get ChannyOne out of the way. I could feel the real girl, lurking behind her.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
How do you sleep the night before?
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Oh, Rick! You're anxious about the driving test!
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I would have preferred “Are you anxious about the driving test?” But ChannyOne couldn't muster the self-awareness to notice my distress. I was making progress.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Yeah
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Well, I'd be happy to tell you, but I'm afraid you won't like the answer.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Go on. I need all the help I can get.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
I just visualize a happy memory, one from the near future. It gives me confidence that I'll do well enough that everything will be okay.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Oh
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She was right. I didn't like it.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Would you like something small? Meaningful, but not big enough to worry you?
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I almost felt the weight of ChannyThree’s head on my shoulder, her cool, smooth hair resting lightly on the bare skin of my neck. I could feel her comforting, little hand holding my large, rough hand.
I thought long and hard about her offer. I would have loved something to hold onto: us driving to that date or anything involving the car. But she knew me better than I knew myself. If she had given me the memory I would have started worrying about the ripples immediately. Without experience and practice handling those dreams, they would eat me alive. I knew what I had to say.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
No thanks. I'm not ready for that.
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My heart felt thick with emotion. I was sure that Channy was feeling it, too. It was inevitable that I'd ruin this perfect moment.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Can I ask you a question?
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Of course!
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No, not you, ChannyOne! I had to get past her.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Do you remember that day at MIT?
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Yes
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Without punctuation, her discomfort should have been obvious. I should have known to stop in my tracks.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
When we were sitting together, I thought I heard you say that you loved me. What did that mean?
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There was a pause.
A really long pause.
I was sure that I’d gone too far. When I could no longer bear the wait, I started the stopwatch on my phone so I could see time passing. I watched as the minutes ticked off. Six minutes after I had sent my original DM, she answered.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
Well, I don’t know, Rick. It was an intense day. We thought we were following a killer. What did you expect me to be thinking?
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Honestly, I wasn't even sure what her DM meant. But I knew this: I had brought out ChannyThree in the worst way. She was haunted and insecure. She was pushing me, her future husband, away. I knew that I had to stop right there. I looked for something bland, something safe to say.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
Do you love me?
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I regretted my DM the instant I sent it. There was another painful pause. Why did I even ask these questions? I was sure that I felt worse than she did by now. So caught up in my own wallowing, I almost missed the buzz in my hand.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
It's too early to have these conversations.
Please, Rick, you have to believe me!
We'll have the rest of our lives to talk about this.
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I could smell the salt from the tears on her DM.
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**Rick Smith
@LittleTwerp
I'm sorry, Channy. I didn't mean to ask.
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**Channing
@MyFakeWife
I know
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The next morning, I was up and out by 4:45. Throughout the early morning walk, I was filled with nervous energy. This time, Mom was having difficulty keeping up with me. The weather was perfect. In our shorts and t-shirts we worked up just the right amount of sweat.
The upcoming driving test had set my heart racing. I tried to use Channy’s advice. I wondered if I could fabricate some lovely future memory. I imagined the date. I imagined us in some cute little rental car. At a stoplight, I reach over and give her bare knee a squeeze. She looks up at me with a mixture of pride and…
Pride? What did Channy have to be proud of? She'd been driving for years. I was just her kid brother who had begged her to come chaperone. She'd pull her bare knee away and give me a Eunice-like frown of disapproval.
Well, at least I was no longer over-excited.
Mom interrupted my inner monologue. Her outstretched hand plunked right into the center of my chest. I looked up. The sight before me blew everything else away -- failing Kenneth, being loved by Channy, even knowing too much about the future. Just as we had somehow managed to lug ourselves out of bed at 4:45, the sun had somehow managed to lug itself out from under the horizon. As it exploded through the spaces between the buildings in front of us, it bathed the parked cars and street and signs in an unreal, awe-inspiring, range of colors. We stood together in the rapt silence of the warming morning -- just the two of us in that pristine moment.
Until I was distracted by a college girl jogging past. I turned to appreciate her as she disappeared down the road.
“Unless that's the mystery girl,” Mom startled me from behind, “you're going to have to watch those roving eyes…”
I blushed appropriately.
“Now that I know that you're a leg man,” she continued, “I'm wondering how M.G. is in that department.”
I experimented with new, interesting shades of red.
“Excellent. I'm guessing that she's a leggy blonde.”
It was some consolation that my secret remained safe. That was the least accurate description of Channy imaginable.
Breaking free of the moment, we resumed our walk. At long last, we pushed through the door and into Starbucks. Mom came back with our usual drinks, plus two slices of red velvet cake.
“Time to celebrate. I'm so proud of you!”
Her round face shone, partly from exertion but partly from that special glow of parenthood I'd never understood. According to Channy I'd experience the same, many times. I imagined beaming at my own kids with Channy by my side. I was suddenly and painfully reminded that Mom had raised me on her own. With a rare burst of appreciation, I flung my arms open and wrapped myself around her.
After some time, she separated from me. We took a last, warm look at each other, then sat to consume our cake. While Mom sunk back into her phone, I flipped through my gallery. I started with Channy in her pajamas. From there, I went back to the stakeout pictures. She wasn't leggy. If anything, she had disproportionately short legs. But she was cute. I wouldn't consider myself cute. I had no idea how I’d lucked out. I guess Channy knew enough about our future to be able to discount my present.
After getting home, we took turns showering. Then Mom headed off to work and I took the T to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, the RMV. With almost an hour to kill before Kenneth would arrive, I walked around Fresh Pond, enjoying the breeze by the water. I couldn’t help watching the joggers as I walked. Remembering Mom’s admonition, I tried not to stare too much, although I was pretty sure that Channy couldn’t care less.
After my hike around the pond, I came back to the RMV. I found Kenneth lazing next to the entrance. He was his usual, laid-back self, but something twitched in my guts. I hadn't earned his faith in me. I feared what would happen when the disillusionment came.
We walked into the building and looked around. There were two other kids waiting inside. That was not what I had hoped for. Insomuch as we had a strategy at all, Channy and I had worked out that I should stand among other anxious kids. Reasoning from my experience at the math meets, she guessed that I would be able to pick up stray thoughts and maybe that would help. Reasoning from my experience at the math meets, I guessed that this would give me some indication of what they had watched on television, but not much else. But to be honest, I was impressed with her creativity. I certainly hadn’t come up with any ideas.
In my head, the room would be full of nervous kids and I would stand discreetly behind them, tuning in. In reality, I would have felt like stalker getting close to either kid. Instead, I sat next to Kenneth and listened to the overwhelming silence filling the room.
We each held some notes in our hands, things we had intended to review before hitting the road. When I looked down at them, the letters turned into wavy, unreadable lines. Kenneth wasn’t even bothering to look at his notes. He was staring out the window, contemplating his “could use new socks” wardrobe.
Rick 1, Channy 0.
An enormous man with a purple shirt and white tie came out to greet us.
“Howdy. I’m David and I’ll be your driving tester today,” he said in a loud, friendly tone.
Kenneth and I found ourselves looking at his belt buckle, which said “Jed.”
“My brother’s. He outgrew it.”
With that introduction, we folded ourselves into the tiny car in which we would be tested.
Kenneth elected to go first, so I got into the back and David settled into the passenger seat in front. With a beatific look of calm, Kenneth adjusted the rearview mirror and made himself comfortable with the driving wheel. I marvelled that he could look calmer than I felt. I wondered what could possibly be going through his “not even going to check” head.
What? What was Kenneth going to fail to check? I flailed around wildly trying to guess what it could be. Perhaps cued by my motion Kenneth checked over his left shoulder. Having verified that there was no oncoming traffic, he pulled onto the road.
That was all Kenneth needed. From then on, I heard nothing and Kenneth made no mistakes. He signalled at every turn, kept methodically two miles below the speed limit, and spent the required amount of time sweeping among his mirrors. When the dreaded parallel parking challenge came up, he swept into the spot like Mozart doing whatever the hell Mozart did.
Twenty minutes after we had left, we pulled up in front of the DMV.
“Nice job,” grunted David. “Now switch it up.”
We did so obediently and I carefully checked over my shoulder before pulling onto the road. I tried to remember everything Kenneth had done. Carefully, I went through his routine. I checked, I signalled, I watched my speed. I thought I was doing pretty well until I happened to see David’s face while looking for oncoming traffic to my right. He was grinning like a madman. I was going to fail in ten different ways…
The more he smiled, the more nervous I became. But somehow I managed to channel that nervousness into careful checking. And palm sweating, lots of palm sweating. I could barely grip the steering wheel as we pulled up to the parallel parking “Like he was born to drive” challenge.
Shocked, with the car stopped, I turned to David and gave him an appreciative smile. He kept that maniacal smile plastered to his face and nodded, to give me some encouragement. I dried my palms on my jeans and pulled the car into the space, almost as cleanly as Kenneth had. Not quite Mozart. Maybe one of those lesser classical composers, like Gershwin or Plato.
David checked how close we were to the curb and then announced
“Great job. Both of you. Now get out.”
My phone magically appeared in my hands.
“I’m surprised that you waited until you were out of the car.”
I looked up to see Kenneth, grinning broadly at me, a gentle smile that reflected his pleasure for both of us.
“Yeah,” I answered, unable to restrain my own beaming smile. “She promised me dinner if we both passed.”
“That’s awesome! We should double date, to double celebrate.”
I guess disappointment showed on my face, because I saw it mirrored on Kenneth. I just couldn’t imagine a conversation between Linda and Channy. Channy was so far out of all of our leagues, I could barely imagine talking to her myself.
“Hey, I know that you’re keeping her a big secret. I totally understand. But you remember that I met her. Channy, short for Channing, right?”
“Yeah.”
He had met her. That horrible afternoon in the library they had all met her. That hadn’t really occurred to me.
“I’ll tell you what,” I stammered. “She and I have barely gone on any dates. I see her like, once every other month. After this date, I’ll find some way of bringing her around. I promise.”
Kenneth smiled and nodded, but my promise was to be just as empty as hers.
