I don't know where everything went wrong.

I don't know where everything changed.

I don't know where I stopped wanting to be just friends with Jason.

But I know that one day I realized that I was in love with him.

One day I realized that I wanted more than just to be his childhood friend.

One day, I realized I wanted to be more than the girl next door.

I wanted to be more than just the girl he surfed with on Saturday mornings.

That was a mistake.

That day.

The overwhelming need to destroy something built over the years just for the hope of building something new on top of the ruins and rubble.

But I was in love.

I was young.

 

***

 

We met Behati on a Monday morning.

It was the first day of junior year. And I could feel the liveliness in the air.

Everyone was happy because we were almost there. We were almost at the end of high school. We were on the brink of freedom.

I remember Jason could not control his smile when we left home.

I remember thinking that I was happy not because we were almost at the end, but because I was there with him.

I was happy with the little things.

But everything changed that day.

Because we met Behati that morning — Jason met Behati that morning.

She was new at school.

That Monday morning was her first day. And by the whim of fate, she sat next to Jason in first class.

She was the new beautiful girl.

And she was so kind, outgoing, talkative and incredibly sweet.

Jason likes her instantly.

And by the end of the class, he had already invited her to lunch.

 

***

 

That moment that I saw Behati and Jason together for the first time, my heart stopped. Somehow, they looked harmonious side by side.

I stared as they waited in line, grabbed lunch and interacted naturally.

I stared as they walked to our table.

I stared as Jason distributed smiles to that new girl.

She was a torch in the middle of a dark night.

And Jason looked at her like a moth that was attracted to the light.

They did not know each other. They were strangers and should not smile at each other as they had known each other for years.

That was wrong.

That was wrong

My mind feels like a loop that went on for an eternity — singing that what I was seeing was not right.

Because in my mind — in my broken mind — that was not right.

And I just wished to remain in darkness for all eternity.

I just wished there was no light.

“Stop staring,” Audrey whispered to me. “It is scary.”

I blinked.

I took a deep breath.

And I lowered my gaze to my food tray.

“What's up guys? This is Behanti. She is new. I invited her to lunch with us, so I hope you don't mind,” Jason said, raising an eyebrow at everyone at our table, and then turned and winked at Behati.

And just like that, like magic, everyone becomes talkative and friendly.

 

***

 

I did not remember what everyone said at that lunch.

I did not remember if anyone talked to me.

I did not remember what I ate that day.

I did not even remember getting up and leaving that table.

I just remember how I felt that day — that lunch.

I remember I felt small and insignificant.

I remember the feeling of wanting to disappear.

I remember telling myself that that was not happening.

I remember telling myself that I was not seeing Jason falling in love with a random girl in front of me.

Because that could not be happening, not when I had been in love with him for so long. Not when I had been hoping for so long that he realized that I was there — that he could fall in love with me the same way I had fallen in love with him.

I was there.

I was there.

And I had waited — dreaming — so long for him to realize that I was worthy of his love. That I was there and the only thing he needed to do was open his heart to me.

That was the only thing I wanted.

I was a fool.

I was a fool.

But even when I realized it, I kept telling myself that it was a bad dream. Over and over and over again.

 

***

 

That first week was a living hell.

Behati had lunch with us all week.

 

I did not remember a lot about that lunches. I did not remember if at any time she tried to talk to me. I just remember sitting down in that uncomfortable chair and watching all my friends fall in love with the new girl.

But the lunches weren't so horrible, because what really broke my heart was realizing that Jason was looking for every possible opportunity to chat with her and to keep her company.

What broke my heart was realizing that he was more willing to fall in love with a stranger than with me.

Because the worst thing in the world is realizing for the first time that you don't stand a chance with the people you've spent years in love with.

Thus, I spent all that first week silently dying inside.

The first time we talked about Behati was a Friday afternoon when we were driving home in Jason's car.

We are in an awkward and uncomfortable silence that was unusual for us when Jason took a deep breath and spoke for the first time, “So, what is wrong? What is bothering you?”

I tried to control my reaction to his questions before answering innocently, “What? I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Really? Because you've been acting weird all week and every time I asked you what was wrong you said it was nothing. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me the truth,” he said seriously and looked at me quickly before turning his eyes to the road.

“It’s just that — I don't know,” I said, desperately trying to get out of that situation. I took a deep breath, “it's just that since you met that new girl, you have been different.”

“Okay.”

“I don't know, but it looks like you are looking forward to being with her and falling in love with her. It seems that we are and one of those confusing love at first sight movies. This is weird.” I said carefully.

“And by that you mean what exactly?” he said, glancing at me.

That I'm in love with you.

I almost said that.

Almost.

But I controlled myself and said instead, “That you must be careful. You don't know this girl. Things don't have to be so fast.”

“Things are not fast”, he said with a smile.

“Really?” I used the same tone he used just a few minutes ago. “Are you really going to tell me that you don't want to ask her out?”

He laughed.

“No, I won't say that because I want to ask her out.”

He was silent for five seconds before opening his mouth and saying it like it was some sort of badge of honor, “but I still haven't asked her out.”

“You should be proud,” I said dryly.

“Of course.”

We stayed silent while Jason parked in front of his house.

And we remained silent for what seemed like an eternity before he said, “I'm not going to ask her to go out with me, at least until I get to know her better, okay?”

“Okay.”

He sighed and turned around in the car seat to look at me before asking, “Is something else bothering you?”

“No,” I felt like that lie was choking me.

I was a coward.

A coward.

I closed my eyes and said, “I am okay now. I just want you to be happy,” I whispered the last part like it was a prayer.

Jason stared at me seriously for several seconds before saying, “are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure, Jason,” I said like I signed a contract without having read the fine print.

I got out of the car, but before I closed the door, I said, “By the way, thanks for caring about my feelings, Hill.”

He cracked a half smile, “It's my pleasure.”

I crossed the distance between our houses, and when I was almost on my porch steps, he yelled, “Moore?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to go to the beach?”

I laughed.

“Really?”

“Yes, it will be fun. We can surf a little,” he said, approaching my porch. “Beside that, do you have anything more important to do than have fun with your best friend?”

“Honestly?” I said with a smile, and he automatically rolled his eyes. “I can think of some more interesting things to do with my time, Hill.”

“Ouch,” he said, putting a hand over his heart. “You are evil.”

“I do what I can.”

“See you in 30 minutes?” he asked.

I sighed and then rolled my eyes before saying, “okay. But you drive.”