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Sure, I'll help you. Votes: 8 50.0%
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Nah, you're on your own. Votes: 8 50.0%
As thick thunder clouds form on the coastline, it’s pure chaos and pandemonium due to the battle raging on with explosions going off all across the area. Dozens of Ninja, White Zetsu, and Mugonhei all fall with each passing minute, it’s so chaotic that no one can tell who’s winning the battle. It won’t be long before the beach is renamed, “The Scarlet Coastline.”
“Someone, get the reanimations to kill that--GAH?!” A White Zetsu is struck by lightning and drops dead on the sandy ground.
The lightning dragon has entrenched itself on the cliffs, it reduces both ninja and Zetsu to ash with the lightning it calls down from the heavens. Any who try to attack it in groups are either blasted by beams of pure electricity from its breath or halted by the multitude of mugonhei defending it.
Leaving a trail of blood, a mist kunoichi desperately drags herself across the battlefield with tears in her eyes. “I can’t find my legs… I CAN’T FIND MY LEGS…!”
The water dragon swims along the sea, sending powerful waves crashing onto the beach. Any caught in the waves are either crushed by the pressure or knocked unconscious and left to drown. The water dragon will quickly swim away from any enemies who try to close the distance and shoot them with a high pressure stream of water that cuts them asunder.
The worst location in this battlefield to be in are its very shores. Both dragons coordinate their attacks here, effectively turning the shores into a no man’s land with cold, ruthless efficiency.
After successfully sealing away Asuma, Ino finds herself surrounded by a group of White Zetsu, all prepared to deliver the coup de grace.
“Beast-Man Fury Kicks!!” A wolf-like creature lands right in front of Ino to deliver a flurry of powerful kicks.
The she-wolf knocks away all the Zetsu, saving the leaf kunoichi. While he’s sent flying, one of the Zetsu throws several of his flytrap extensions at the wolf creature, one hits her abdomen and the others, her arms and legs. Bleeding, she falls to the ground and reverts back to her normal form.
Ino immediately goes to help her ally. “Ryuka, are you alright?”
“Nnnnrrgh…! It’s only been… an… an hour since the battle started… and I-I’m already… low on chakra…”
Several mugonhei appear in an attempt to blind side Ino, but Choji arrives just in time and smacks them away with his giant arm. “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back!”
The three are now surrounded by even more White Zetsu and this time, some are merging into larger, tanky enemies and they brought the reanimation, Kakazu with them. While holding a heart, dripping with blood , he lays his eyes on the wounded and exhausted alliance ninja, thick, gray, hair-like tendrils emerge from all throughout his head.
“I remember you two. You were with the jinchuriki and Hyuga brats!” Kakazu crushes the heart in his hand and points at them. “Instead, I’ll use your hearts to complete my collect--huh…?”
Kakazu stops in his tracks due to a bright, green light suddenly appearing in the sky. The entire battlefield goes quiet with everyone looking up at the light in the sky as if they’re all entranced by the light. Choji and Ino look up to see the storm clouds created by the lightning dragon and within the storm cloud is a giant, glowing green silhouette of a shuriken.
Is that… Naruto…? Ino thinks as she stares at the mysterious shuriken in the clouds. “Why’s that idiot here? The whole point of this war is to protect him.”
The clouds part to reveal a red-headed individual. “Wind Style: Gelel Rasenshuriken!”
He throws the jutsu into enemy lines, killing scores of Zetsu and Mugonhei in the ensuing explosion. The red-haired man lands on top of the cliffs just a few feet above Ino, Choji, and Ryuka. All eyes are on him as he surveys the whole battlefield.
All Ino can do is look at him, taken aback. …Jin?!
“Message from HQ! Three of the Five Kage have negotiated with the rogue ninja, Jin Yamanaka.” Inoichi uses the Mind Transmission Jutsu to telepathically communicate with the whole Allied Shinobi Forces. “Jin and his team have agreed to give intel and fight at our side in exchange for full pardons. I repeat, Jin and his team are our allies now!”
“UZUMAKI! It’s, Jin Yamanaka Uzumaki, if you’re going to use my whole name, say it properly!” Jin makes several shadow clones and they all scatter across the battle to where they’re needed most
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“He was a leaf shinobi, do you think we can truly trust him?” The Raikage asks the present leaf village ninja.
Shikaku, Tsunade, and Inoichi remain silent for a moment. Tsunade and Shikaku both glance at each other before saying anything.
Tsunade faces the Raikage with uncertainty. “I honestly can’t answer that, Jin went rogue before I even became the Hokage.”
“I think we should at least give him a chance.” Inoichi remains near the water sphere with blood dripping from his nose.
“Regardless if we trust him or not, we can no longer underestimate him.” Shikaku makes his thoughts known.
“What do you mean by that, Shikaku?” Raikage Ay presses.
“Think about it, he left the Leaf Village to join Orochimaru then joined Sasuke and the Akatsuki. While we were all butting heads with each other Jin hid himself under their shadows, amassing power. It’s almost like he knew all of this would happen, which begs the question.”
“What does he need all that power for?” Tsunade deduces.
“Yes.”
The Alliance leaders are left silent as they ponder the situation as it escalates.
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Isn’t that girl from that Naruto game for the PSP…? Jin thinks as he plows Kakuzu with a Rasengan, launching the reanimation far across the beach. …And she’s injured.
The surrounding Zetsu focus their attention all one the rogue ninja. “What are you doing Jin? You’d really betray the Akatsuki?!”
“How can I betray something I was never a part of?”
Jin emits a repulsive force that knocks away the Zetsu surrounding him. As Jin takes a few steps towards Ino, Choji, and Ryuka, he is stopped by the feeling of a hand gripping his ankle. Jin coldly glares back to see a defeated Zetsu stubbornly clinging to his leg.
“I won’t let you g--!! S…Stop--!!” The helpless Zetsu shouts before being impaled by a vacuum blade.
As Jin continues to walk toward his new allies, he notices that they’re still on guard with their eyes focused solely on him, but the Onikage pays it no mind.
“What are you doing here, Jin?” Ino wears a hopeful, yet concerned expression.
“A lot has happened… Long story short, I’m here to help.” With casual indifference, Jin kneels down and performs medical ninjutsu on Ryuka as he probes the dream kunoichi’s mind. The Hidden Dream Village, the Tenro Clan… the Beast-Man Jutsu? I can use this for my village.
“Where’s Ayanami?”
“She went to help Kakashi’s company.” Jin continues to treat Ryuka as he faces Ino. “Dream Ninja, I thought only the five great nations ninja and the samurai were fighting in this war, why are you involved?”
“Nngh… your criminals, Kabuto and Mizuki, attacked my village and kidnapped Gensui Amagiri and our village leader, Enzo Tenro.”
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In another part of the beach, another Jin is seen near the lightning dragon. As they stare each other down. The many mugonhei protecting the dragon stand in Jin’s way, prepared to fight the ninja.
Highly compressed balls of wind chakra suddenly slam against the dragon and the mugonhei. “Wind Style: Air Bullets!”
“You’re late, Rito.” Jin remarks as a giant hawk lands behind him.
“I’m not late, you’re just too fast!” Rito and Mecha-Naruto both jump from Tsume’s back, landing beside Jin. “Thanks, Tsume! Go home and get some rest, you’ve earned it.”
“Understood, Master Rito.” The hawk disappears in a puff of smoke.
“LEAVE THE WATER REPTILE TO ME.” Mecha-Naruto rockets off toward the ocean.
The lightning Dragon recovers from the Tsume’s attack. It creates a thick mist to hide itself whilst recreating thunderclouds to attack the two who stand before it. Quick on the uptake, Rito weaves a sign.
“Crystal Style: Burst Crystal Falling Dragon!” Crystals emerge from the ground around Rito, taking the form of a dragon. “Quickly, add your Fire Style to my crystal dragon!”
Jin spews a Fire Style: Flame Bomb, infusing it into Rito’s crystalline construct.
The burning crystal dragon flies into the air as lightning comes down the strike Jin and Rito, but changes course and hits the crystal dragon instead.
What Jin just witnessed confuses him. “Crystals can conduct electricity…?”
“Only strontium titanate when it’s heated.” Rito informs.
I have no writing experience so do take what i say with a grain of salt.
Anyway, it feels like you are putting in way too many things all at once, with little to no explanation so im a little confused as to what is happening. Its like information overload and at the same time not enough exposition.
As someone who only watch OG naruto, shippuden, and the last (the movie) I'm more than a little lost as to what the hell is happening. I like Rito Ayanami and Jin, their dynamic is fun and interesting, its just that its difficult to keep up with everything else .
At the start I was really invested and I still like following Jin's adventures, so i plan to see this through to the end, however it kinda feels like your in a rush to get things out there, OP. Its ok to spend a bit more time on every chapter. Honestly I think I would prefer it if you spread things out a bit more and added more chapters.
Just don't forget to have fun while your doing it bro I'll still be here waiting on the next one
Thank you for the input and I'm sorry that you're confused. I had use elements from the whole Naruto franchise to make it so that Jin can realistically fight anyone I put him up against. The reason the story is fast-paced is because most Naruto fans are familiar with the canon story, that allows me to just breeze through those parts.
Looks good, but i dont have the writing experience to 100% that
Thank you for the input anyway.
My opinion so far:
If I had to give this fanfic a rating as I would give any other Naruto fanfic then I would have to give this 2 star, why? because the speed of progression is fast, very fast..... too fast for me. Character development isn't very good, in fact the only character that we see actively changing is Mc, the rest is developing out of screen, and the power of coping skills mc have is too op, I mean reading mind should not grant you kekkei genkai because this is biological things and not only seals.
But if I reit this story with different mind set, then if I am ready to give it 4, because despite that the story speed is too fast for me, it's only because so far I was reading stories where mc was a child for 30+ chapters and I wasn't ready for that kind of development of the story, but now at the war arc I am used to that.
So What I like in this story: Mc character; that after mc leaves the village we don't have to see the original plot once again; the motive of rogue ninja.
What I don't like: Too many reincarnated people, time travels, story speed(but to this I already used to).
My biggest problem is that, the only things I know from Naruto francize is Naruto, Shippuden, The last(movie), and because of that I don't know what is going on in big part of the story, but the good part of that is that I can have the fun of discovering what the hell they were talking about :)
Conclusion about the fanfic so far: This isn't the best Naruto fanfic I have ever read, but it is a decent, but the reader must used to fast speed and little character development.
So I am going to read the rest of the chapters and make my decision about this story, and remember this is your fanfic and writing has to be funny to you if this has to have any sens, so good luck in writing.
Thank you.
I'm sorry but I'll probably be dropping this. No reason at all has been given for the reincarnations and no limit has been specified so nothing feels tense because if anything goes wrong a new secret reincarnation can pop up and go "I was training for this moment" and svae everyone. Also, they literally time traveled to get power and couldn't just kill the enemy in their infancy or steal whatever makes them powerful? And the fight with Indra didn't totally change the future with him being an absolute powerhouse an all that? Everything seems to have no path, nor endpoint and just flow like rapids at full speed with sharp turns and a lot of plot holes so big they form waterfalls. I just can't bring myself to get interested, invested or even like the characters at all because at this point they've become one dimensional. The main group wants to save the world, and the rest either idolize them or are wary of them, that's all. Tsunade wouldn't say "I don't know if we can trust them", she'd say "Idgaf if we can trust them because it's our only choice, so let's do it fully." That's because she's decisive, and so is the Raikage. The only personality that was correct was the Nara's, and it wasn't even his personality that was displayed but his intelligence. I feel like I should rant more but idk how to put my thoughts and feelings into more words that don't repeat so I'll stop. I just feel that so much potential has been wasted.
I'm using Dragon Ball and the MCU's laws of time travel, any change made in the past results in an alternate timeline being created, branching off from when and where the change occurred. Remember, Echo is Jin from the original timeline where everyone loses. Killing Moryo in the past won't change the present or the future.
@Superboy8338 still, if any change makes a new timeline, the ones that created the change should be in the new timeline, since their actions have created it. However, when they go back to the future there are no changes, and Karasuki can't travel between timelines (I think) so it still doesn't make sense unless there is an omnipotent omnisapient being creating additional scenarios to counterbalance the changes so that the future stays the same and saying "f*ck you, consequences!"
ಠ︵ಠ ಠ_ʖಠ ಠ_ಠ ಠ,_」ಠ ರ╭╮ರ ತ_ʖತ
If you say it lacks tension, just wait for the next chapter.
@Superboy8338 that's really not the biggest of my problems with the novel. It's not that it lacks tension because there's nothing tense, it lacks tension because I can't bring myself to give a flying f*ck about the characters! We're 36 chapters in and approaching the final fight for god's sake! I caught up in a single night before catching up with 15 other novels I already had started and sleeping a healthy 8 hours!
@Arkanon Actually, this arc is where I start showing the long-term consequences of Jin's actions and some other stuff. You just saw a small glimpse of those consequences. At the end of the day, Jin is a guy making decisions based on what he knows.
@Superboy8338 okay, I'll read a bit further and see