Wednesday (2019/7/3):

I didn’t know when it started. But my cock always reacts when I’m around him. I wasn’t too innocent not to notice it. I just couldn’t distinguish between lust and love when it comes to him. He looks exactly like me. But when I look at him, I don't feel like I'm looking at myself at all. Sometimes I wonder if me being attracted to him is similar to that of Narcissus falling in love with himself. What is it about Kirill that I like so much? Was it because of our connection? ‘The feels’ as we called it? He’s the closest to me. But also the farthest. 

But then I came to a conclusion. After joining the ‘Sinners’, I realised that it doesn’t matter. It’s just the same. Love and lust are the same thing. Narcissus and I could be the same person. And whether the connection exists or not, I’d still want him. So fuck it all.

Stepan said that we are all sinners. He is right. He also said that our sins should be recorded. I laughed at him when he first told me about it. But when I saw the recordings of their sins, it was like an awakening inside of me. I am a sinner. I’m just like them. My unspeakable fantasies could only be understood by these four other people. I love pen and paper so this journal is the recording of my sins.

Tuesday (2019/7/9):

Now, where do I start? Yes. Kirill. Let’s start with Kirill. Kirill is my sin. We only physically meet during New Years, Christmases, and once in our birthday month. Usually, I would fly out to New Japan instead of him coming to Krasniy. One of the reasons, other than the fact that Kirill refuses to meet our mother, would be that Krasniy is just a small town while Kirill lives in the city. When I go there, we will have more activities to do and places to go. Language wasn’t a barrier for us. We both mastered Japanese, Russian, and English. It was due to the hybridity of our parents, of course. I know that Kirill has a long list of lovers as he grew older. I met one of them once and I guess Kirill can sense my hostility towards him that he stopped bringing over his lover when he’s with me.

He doesn’t know why I was being hostile. But he also didn’t ask. That’s Kirill for you. He won’t bother himself with reasons. He just does things in accordance to what he sees fit. He saw that I didn’t like meeting his lover, he just stopped but he doesn’t need to know the reason why. I guess that attitude of his also contributed to the fact that he never would have known how I felt towards him. I could have guessed how he’ll react if he finds out. He’ll cry for sure. And he’ll start blaming himself for not being aware of it in the first place. He will for sure think of me first before himself. He should have been more worried about himself rather than worrying about me. Because I won’t compromise.

If he found out and he blamed himself for it, I will definitely make full use of that. Sometimes I was a bit straightforward with him. I told him he looks ‘sexy’ when he only wears his boxers on and flaunts his body in front of me. I told him that he’s the only one that could turn me on. I also told him that I want to kiss him. But he always took them all as a joke. Sometimes I don’t know whether I should be happy or sad over his obliviousness. 

But I still have time. And I can still fantasise about him for now. That is until the time when I no longer want to fantasise about him. When I finally want to turn them into reality.

Monday (2019/7/24): 

I was on a videocall with Kirill today. He wore only shorts. He had just gotten back from playing basketball. It was hard to remain calm. I’ve long wanted to spread his legs wide. Just seeing him wearing only shorts drove me crazy. Not to mention his abdominal muscles and tattoo. Who can look away? I think I should tie him up to the bed. I want him to be fully clothed at the time so that I can use a knife to rip off his clothes piece by piece. He must be looking confused if he knows that it’s me. That’s why I want his eyes covered so that he won’t even know that it was his own twin brother shoving his cock down his asshole. 

FUCK! He should be very tight down there. Unlike all those loose bitches that I had fucked before. I don’t want to prepare his asshole. Rather, he should take my cock dry without lubes. He should hurt. That way, he’ll remember me more. If he bleeds, he’ll remember better. Kirill, you have no idea how much I wanted to FUCK YOU! KIRILLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE MY BITCH!

Tuesday (2020/6/16):

I found a kid in school that I can use as a substitute for Kirill. His name is Louis. He is about my height and from the back, he looks like Kirill. I’m lucky because he seems to be interested in me. And he is willing to do anything to be my boyfriend. Of course I would not want him to be my boyfriend. But all of my fantasies for Kirill can be done on him. He wasn’t the first that I have turned into a substitute before. But he is the first one from school that I found to be useful. I used to go to Seven to find a substitute for my craving. But now that those motherfucking stalkers are on my tail, I could no longer frequent the club. I have no choice but to find a substitute from school. I just hope that it won’t get complicated.

I asked him to come to the doctor’s office today. We had sex. It wasn’t that glorious. But I like seeing him forcing himself to put up with me as my friends were watching us. He was ashamed. He felt humiliated. He resented me for what I did but he still desired my affection. He was hopeful. He was optimistic. He was just a fool. But he was useful.

I can call him ‘Kirill’ when I fuck him and he would respond to that name. There’s nothing more satisfying than that.

I think it’s comforting to stay at the doctor’s office. Our school physician, Mr. Matvey Lebedev, is a sweet guy. I said he is sweet because he is feminine. He likes pink so much that I can't associate any other colour to him. Even his car is bright pink in colour. You can see him coming from miles away. I like the fact that he doesn’t look at me differently even when he knows that I’m not a good person. Even when he knows that we, the ‘Sinners’, are bad news, he lets us do our thing at the doctor’s office without bothering to nag at us. He’s cool. He’s the only adult I can trust. Of course, for us to use the doctor’s office is not for free. He likes Japanese tentacle porn and other weird fetishes porn. And I would supply him with all these rare porns that I can get access to from New Japan for him. That’s the fee for us to use his office.

Friday (2020/7/3):

These stalkers who had been stalking me think that they’re sick enough to want to hurt me with a knife as they fuck me. Hahaha. They made me laugh. They have no idea that I’m much more sick than them.

In my mind, I am a monster.

I had these sexual fantasies of myself being a deformed monster and I was so powerful that Kirill can’t fight me off when I raped him. I couldn’t really get angry with my stalkers for having sexual fantasies about me because I know how that felt like. But I am also not afraid of them. If you have fear over something, it can control you. Maybe this fearlessness of mine will become the death of me someday. But that’s okay. I am a monster after all. A monster cannot live among humans, right?

Louis was indeed a useful tool though.

No matter how rough or nonsensical I was during sex, he would bear with it. I once covered my body in dark oil paint and told him to get on all fours on the ground. My intention was to humiliate him and to see him break apart. His persistence and optimism. I want to destroy them all. He is just a substitute and he should know his place. “Kirill, you’re my slut. I’m a monster and I was born to fuck you. You were born to be fucked by me.”

I liked it when I slammed my cock in his asshole. From the back, he was my Kirill. I couldn’t see his face so he was definitely Kirill. “Kirill, aren’t you my slut?” I asked. “I’m your slut,” Kirill responded. I slammed my cock harder. This is me, Kirill’s twin brother who had turned into a monster, raping him. In my mind, that was rape. I told him to pretend to resist me and he was cooperative. I liked it when he said ‘no’. I liked it when he cried. I liked it when I forced him to spread his legs further apart as I fucked him senseless. Fucking hell, Kirill, you’re my slut. I don’t know how much longer I can last with only pouring all these fantasies on your substitute. I really want the real you. So that I can look at you right in the eyes when I rape you. The more you want something, the more it kills you.

Saturday (2020/9/5):

Things had gotten complicated with Louis. I had to cut him off. He was only useful when he was obedient. How dared he asked for more from me. He doesn’t deserve my affection. He should have just settled with my cock going in and out of him. Why would he want more? What a demanding little slut.

Tuesday (2020/9/8):

I found a new substitute. His name is Roman. He’s a good tool. He doesn’t demand more and he’s a masochist. He liked it when I used a whip on him. He liked it when I bit his neck till it bled. It was satisfying. He even responded better. When I call him Kirill as my slut, he would respond with. “I’m your slutty twin brother. Come and rape me.” He really knows how to play his game. And for that, I can use him to the fullest as however I want.

But I know someday I’ll get bored of this too. At least, that’s one of the things that we’re similar with. Kirill and I both got bored over something or someone pretty easily.

Wednesday (2020/11/11):

Today is our birthday. I’m in New Japan and right now, I can’t help but admire these photos I have taken of Kirill. He was in the shower and he didn’t even realise when I snuck in to take photos of him in the nude. 

Of course, I had to jerk off to these photos of him. It’s my tribute to him.

Thursday (2020/11/26):

Stanley was a piece of shit. I had toyed with him long enough that he thought he should own me now. What a joke. My whole life and heart only belong to Kirill. Who does he think he is? He deserved to be punched in the face. I don’t understand why must he cry when I was the one who was almost raped by him. If it wasn’t for Stepan intervening, I would have killed him with my fist!

Being with the ‘Sinners’ also has its downside; I am at the bottom of the food chain. The four of them came from powerful families. Of course it was me who had to give in. To be honest, I’m kinda already done with this ‘Sinners’ shit. I’m done with recording my sins. What a whole load of bullcrap!

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Even when he thought he was ready, Kirill still felt sick to his stomach that he had to throw up in the toilet when he’s done reading the journal. One thing that he couldn’t get rid of from his mind was that the last date was the date of the day Kliment went missing. The ones who were in conflict with him were Stanley and Stepan. He needed to confront Stepan about this. He needed to know the truth.

֍֍֍

On the outskirts of Krasniy, Stepan was wiping his bloody hands with a towel given to him by Alberto. The basketballer was lying on the ground in a pool of his own blood. He is still alive. But he is barely breathing. “Emanuel, I would usually not want to have any blood on my hands. But you messed with something that belonged to me. So, this has gotten personal,” Stepan spoke. There was a hint of pity in his voice but also malign. His eyes glinted evilly as he looked down on the helpless boy on the ground. “Let me tell you in advance what’s going to happen to you,” he said and he squatted down next to his prey. He then grabbed Emanuel’s hair and whispered in his ears; “I will have to dismember you starting from your hand that had written a poem for Kirill.” He then laughs aloud to his ear, excited to see the fear in his prey’s eyes.

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Next update: 2022/08/01

*Author’s Note: This chapter is quite long… Okay so.. ummm. There are parts in this chapter which are quite sick so I had to censor itin other platforms.  -K