Week Three...

When Andrea finally arrived home later that night, Tanner, sitting on his slab of metal, greeted her with a smile.

"Did you have fun?"

Andrea flinched. She looked like she wanted to say something, but instead she paused and started again. "Yeah. I had a great time. I've never had such a good time in my life. Sorry I'm late."

"No worries. You look so happy."

Andrea made her way to the couch and flopped down. "I feel brilliant. Those guys are really into doing outside sports. They said they'd teach me more games tomorrow." She raised her eyebrow before Tanner could give her that look. "After Training."

"Good. What time should we go?"

Andrea didn't answer right away. "Um. I figured you were busy. I didn't tell them you'd be coming, too."

"All right. That'll give me more time to work." At the silence, Tanner asked, "Something wrong?"

Andrea hesitated. "I need to tell you something."

Tanner nodded. "Okay."

"At...the restaurant—" Andrea began.

"Wait, you went to a restaurant? I thought you'd go to a bar or something. Wasn't that expensive?" Tanner hurried before he could be interrupted. "You didn't spend all of it, did you? I don't have anything else till payday, and..." When Andrea's smile faded, he frowned in return. "What kind of restaurant was it?"

"I...." Andrea sighed. "I didn't spend anything. I just didn't eat, so I didn't have to spend any money."

Tanner hated talking about monetary credits. Judging from the disapproval he saw in Andrea's expression, he knew he wasn't the only one.

"We...we should try to go to a restaurant sometime," Andrea suggested.

Tanner managed a weak smile. "We can't afford to yet, but—"

"I have to talk to you. Just for one day, let's...let's forget about money and—"

"That's easy for you to say." As soon as the words left Tanner's mouth, he regretted them. "Gaw-ro-je. Just...." He sighed. "I'll take on some extra hours—"

"But you're always working."

"Well, how else can you eat?"

"Well, I wouldn't have to eat so much if you'd stop burning so much energy with the fights and stuff," Andrea fired back. "You qualify for plenty of desk jobs."

Tanner bristled. "I hate sitting still. And I wouldn't have to burn so much gaw-ro energy if you didn't want so many things." When Andrea clenched her jaw, Tanner sighed. "I...I'm sorry. It's not about blame. We're just in a rough situation. But we'll get out of it soon." Andrea sat on the couch with her feet up, and Tanner hesitated. "You want some company up there?" When Andrea nodded, he was relieved.

By the time he reached the couch, he'd stripped bare. He flopped down naked and held out his arms. "Drop the image and come here."

The fact that the sullen young noblewoman just looked at him for some time was surprising.

"What?" Tanner asked.

Andrea shook her head and took a deep breath. She didn't undress or let the image fall; she only eased into Tanner's arms.

"Hey. You have a strange emotion about you. You don't have to feel guilty for enjoying yourself." A moment later Andrea kissed Tanner's neck, and Tanner, quite ticklish, laughed and turned Andrea around and hugged her close. He judged from the smell of Andrea's hair that it might have been more of a bar than a restaurant after all. "What's this bruise on your neck?"

Andrea didn't respond at first; in time she whispered, "Nothing. I must have bumped into something."

"Here, let's talk about it in the morning. I have to be at the mines at four."

"But you're always gone...." Andrea paused at first but nodded eventually, her voice soft. "Yeah. Okay."

Week Four...

Tanner was happy when Andrea's interest in "sports" faded within the week. She was back at training steadily after that. Their first month living together had been rough here and there, but it was picking up now.

"What you got there?" Andrea asked.

Tanner couldn't help it; he grinned. "I got your short-term evaluation from training. You wanna see what your teachers have been saying?"

The excitement Tanner felt was noticeably one-sided as he presented the reports. After going through diskette after diskette of good reviews, he was pleased to see Andrea's mood change and his Assist pep up. Tanner liked seeing those blue eyes sparkle, and he could see that Andrea felt—maybe for the first time in her life—that her luck was finally changing.

Andrea caught sight of a diskette that Tanner kept instead of freely offering it for open review like the others.

"What's that?" Andrea asked.

Tanner looked down to the diskette and considered it before handing it over. "I saved the best one for last. This teacher says you've got great potential. You lack a little confidence, but you're doing well."

"Lack confidence...? I'm confident," Andrea insisted.

Tanner hadn't expected her to respond so strongly to such a small criticism.

"It's just a personal opinion." Tanner rubbed his nose and hazarded, "You were a music teacher at your mother's school for the arts. Why...why exactly are you lacking confidence in a low-level Colony music class?" He held Andrea's gaze. "Please, just tell me. Maybe I can help."

"You can't," Andrea said, shaking her head. "It's just...I can't read sheet music. Never could. Can't play any instruments either."

"Well, that's easy enough. I'll teach you." At Andrea's look of doubt, Tanner assured her, "I'm classically trained."

"You're not."

"Yes, I am."

Andrea's right eyebrow rose. "On guitar and drums?"

"I can play guitar, percussion, cello, violin, piano, clarinet, and the triangle. But I'm weak on the triangle." Tanner raised his index finger before he could be interrupted. "Oh, and the bell." At the blank look he was getting, he said, "Honest. I'm shit on the bell." What started out as a smile at first turned into a chuckle, until they both laughed.

"Okay, jokes aside, I am classically trained."

"All right." Andrea relaxed. "I leave myself in your capable hands."

"That's all I ask."

Week Ten...

Tanner considered himself to be a patient person. He didn't like getting angry, so he'd try to avoid it at all costs. He also didn't like being disregarded. Day in, day out, even weekends, for three months now he'd hosted his first guest. Andrea wasn't just a guest though. He'd stayed home the day before, waiting to confront Andrea when she came in; she hadn't come. The bouts of anger and annoyance had faded by nighttime. Being in that room alone had never been that lonely. Before Andrea came, it had been fine. In fact he wasn't home long enough to notice how sterile the room was.

He tried to play a game or two, imagining that's how Andrea spent the day once Training classes were finished.

I should have worked harder, Tanner concluded. Leaving Andrea alone in the room had been a mistake. Rather than getting her things to keep her busy—programs, games, novels on diskette—he should have given her money to go out and waste. Having fun isn't a waste. No wonder she was lonely. I should have seen her off to class instead of leaving early to go work out. He wouldn't have made it in time for the good mines if he'd done that. And sure, he'd taken on a few night jobs lately, but that was only because he was desperate to get that shower made.

He could do it—do everything. Andrea just had to be patient. Staying home all the time because they couldn't afford to have fun—that would change. Working out every day without Andrea—that would change, too. Maybe Andrea could read a diskette at the gym and they could walk together a bit. And Tanner could sacrifice the weekend jobs. They paid well enough, but what was the point if Andrea was lonely?

They just needed time, and Tanner was willing to change; that's what he'd decided to say. He'd apologize for being absent, and they could try again. Starting today.

When ten o'clock rolled around, even though he'd missed the mines and his usual runs, he was relieved to see the door open.

He was sure Andrea thought the room was empty, but despite that, his Assist still snuck in. This was the first time Tanner had had to stay awake all night waiting.

"Two nights is a long time," Tanner mused.

Andrea yelped as she stood upright. The look on her red, tear-streaked face said it all. She'd been crying.

Tanner noticed the bruised lip right away. "Who did that? Are you all right?" he asked, sitting up straight, ready for battle.

Andrea lowered her gaze and flopped down on the sofa.

Tanner's stomach dropped, too. He got to his feet, but his pace was slow as he approached, dreading the news.

"Has someone hurt you? You said you were going to talk to your music teacher. Did something happen?"

Even when Tanner sat down on the floor, Andrea refused to meet his gaze. In an effort to garner a response, Tanner was careful in reaching out to stroke Andrea's brow.

"What is it?"

"Why do you do that?" Andrea asked.

"Do what?"

Andrea swallowed her response and let out a whisper: "Nobody hurt me. I let him." Tanner took his hand back, and his Assist repeated the words. "I let him. I let him bite me. Is that what you want to hear?"

Tanner lowered his gaze as well. "You look tired. Maybe you should sleep. I can take a few days off; I have a lot saved up for the shower, but we can use some of it. We...can do something—"

"That's not what I want."

Tanner looked to his Assist for honesty. "And what is it you want, Andrea?" He didn't know why he chose to use that name, but it sounded foreign to him when he said it. Another tear ran past Andrea's nose and fell.

"I wanted you. I wanted an E. I wanted to be strong. I wanted love."

"You have all that."

"And you're so stubborn," Andrea said through clenched teeth. "So proud."

Tanner hung his head again and countered, "You would be the expert on stubbornness and pride." He'd meant to be calm, but his hurt got the better of him.

Blue eyes raw and puffy, Andrea stared him down. Tanner was stunned; he couldn't remember the woman ever looking so vulnerable.

"You criticized Kobal for not understanding Rene. And the entire time I had thought Rene was the one at fault."

Though the voice held no malice, Tanner took it as an attack. "And now you're saying that it's my fault. You're saying I can't keep you satisfied?" He wanted an answer, even a polite response, but the void that lay between them made his spirits sink. "I already know that."

"No. Met was right; you're too damn proud," Andrea said. "It's the same way you didn't take the care package or the monetary credits or even get a briefing. Instead of taking any help, so we can know what to expect from being together, you kill yourself trying to make this work. You don't even ask anything of me. Just try to do it all on your own. Like you're screaming from the mines, 'I'm no cripple. I can do it myself.'"

Tanner felt naked and transparent. Their eyes met, and the anger he found there made him feel even worse.

"And it's the same with me; it's the same with sex," Andrea said. "You think you're not any good. And it's not something you can practice on your own and get better at it and show off. It requires me, it requires you wanting me, and you don't—"

"I do."

"How? How do you want me? Do you want me down on my knees like he took me?"

Bile rose in Tanner's throat. He forced himself to regard Andrea again, though he wanted to pull away.

"What would it take?" Andrea asked. "What would it have taken to get you interested, Tanner? That's the only thing I really want to know."

Tanner felt numb. In time his eyes failed to focus. Instead of looking directly at Andrea, he opted to stare through her.

"You know who I am. You know this body is fake, and you can't desire it." Andrea said, finally, "Fine. Then say so."

"That's not true."

"Then what was it?" Andrea choked on another sob. "It was wrong of me; it was all wrong. I was all wrong, but at least somebody wanted me."

Tanner finally eased away from the hold until he sat with his back against the wall. He stared at the floor, though he knew Andrea watched him.

"Maybe it's because you knew me back then. Knew what I was. Know what I am. But I can't stay in this platonic hell where you tell me you care for me. You tell me you desire me, and yet you do nothing to prove that."

Each word had Tanner feeling colder than the last. They were quiet until Andrea spoke through her tears.

"So if you were Kobal, what are you supposed to do now? If I'm Rene, and I can't see what you see, if I can't understand it, what should you do? Just walk away? Tell me what you want."

Tanner looked at his own bare feet for some time and then managed a soft whisper. "I want you to come home on time."

He felt the rage that spiked in Andrea almost instantly. The buzzing sensation in his stomach lingered for so long he worried about what the tearful woman might do.

Andrea's sniff prompted him to meet her gaze, and the blue eyes were cold.

"That's your solution?"

"What were you expecting?" Tanner fired back. "That I go out there and find your teacher and pummel him into the ground for catching your interest—"

"He didn't catch my interest, though. I wanted you!" Andrea clenched the blanket in her fist. "I wanted you on top of me. I wanted you ramming me. I wanted you spilling your seed on my face. I wanted you!"

With eyes lowered yet again, Tanner simply waited, hoping things would calm.

"I wanted you, Tan. I didn't want your pleasant hugs; I wanted you to ravish me like everyone else kept offering. I wanted you to appreciate my mouth, to let me please you. I didn't want to be your charity case. Your mess to clean up. And I didn't want the hand-holding—"

"And what were you going to do without the hand-holding?" Tanner grumbled, "Where were you going to go? I was just trying to help you."

"I'm not infirm. Everybody kept holding me up like if I fell I'd break, and I started believing it. I believed I was incapable, so why gaw-ro try?" Andrea calmed and let out a soft breath before continuing, "And I just wanted you to love me as I am. I'm not smart like Rene. I'm not...graceful and talented like Gara. I'm just me. And yeah, I'm fat, and I'm lazy, and I don't have any ambition, but it's me, and if I'm not worth your love, then why can't I find it somewhere else?"

Tanner didn't have an answer; he just stared at his hands as he rested them in his lap.

Andrea's soft voice filled the silence. "Back then we were on par, right? I had a title waiting for me then. I had some value to you. I had something you wanted, and now...now I'm just something you work to keep happy. If you offer me something, I can't turn it down. And you don't just offer it, or will it up like magic like I thought E's do, but you work, and you work ten times as hard as I could, as anybody could, and when you give me things, it's like I'm holding all this pain, like every object is dripping with the blood it took for you to get it. I have to wake up every morning knowing that." Andrea sniffed, her voice breaking. "So now I'm a powerless noblewoman who is nothing but a burden to you."

"That's not true."

No reply came, and when Tanner met Andrea's gaze, the sullen expression tore through him. It wasn't like he hadn't seen this day coming eventually. Tanner had seen it, he'd sensed it, and he'd allowed it to come, and now he was at a loss. "Then let's try it," he insisted. "You're right; I was scared. I was a coward, but I didn't know how to initiate. If you had tried, I would have. I waited for you to tell me what you wanted or how. I just didn't want to try and have you...you laugh or call me a dud lover or something."

Andrea let out another pitiful sob, and Tanner exhaled through his nose.

"Because that's what I was to you. I know it. That was the first thought I ever got from you the first time we sat down in that office together, and I made sure I didn't take any others without your permission because that one hurt just fine."

The tears streaming from Andrea's eyes drove him to stand and close the space between them. Tanner was grateful when he was allowed to take hold of Andrea's hands. "So let's try then. Let's try."

"It's too late now."

"No." Tanner kissed both hands and pulled her closer. "We can still try."

"So you want to risk it? You want to risk ending up like Midge?" Tanner hadn't meant to flinch, and Andrea's eyes welled with tears when he did. "Right? That's the problem now, then. Something about the DNA touching damages you. So if you kiss me, are you going to taste some of him in my mouth? Can I live with that? Can you?"

Tanner stared at her, wondering if it was a taunt, but Andrea slipped from his grip and took hold of his face for a deep kiss. The musky taste left Tanner gagging, but that wasn't what truly disgusted him. The moment he pulled away, he knew it was over.

In the silence that lulled over them, Andrea stared at him, her eyes and lips puffy, her nose red. The noblewoman's features stood out so prominently. Andrea rarely cried, and Tanner was lost in the image before him.

"You look just as beautiful when you cry. Do you know that?" Another lone tear from Andrea's right eye made Tanner sigh. "I want you to come home."

"And what about us?" Andrea asked. "What about me? Because there's no going back, right? You'll never risk it. The first kiss with that guardsman, that was the end. You decided right then and there you'd never trust me. You'd never risk it. You'll never risk entering me again for fear I've slept with someone else because the damage might have you worse off than you were before you met me. Right?"

Tanner cast his gaze downward rather than acknowledge the truth in those words. "I want you to come home. That's what I want."

"So that's your solution? That's all you've got to say? Do I just sit around waiting for you to figure out what you want to do? Should I just let you string me along until you've figured it out? Who the hell are you to ask that of me?" Andrea sobbed. "Tanner, I'm not asking you to fight for me, just—"

"Fight for you?" Tanner regarded her as if she were unreal. "Fight for you? Andrea, your biggest enemy is you yourself. And I think it's more than obvious that I don't have it in me to ever fight you. Give me an imp to take down and drag back here to your feet. Give me a gaw-ro ELETE to beat within an inch of his life—bring me the devil himself, and I'll gaw-ro take his head off for you—but for the love of the Colony, Andrea, how the hell am I supposed to fight you?"

Week Eighteen...

"Happy birthday!" Red exclaimed as she walked through the wall and entered the cylinder.

Tanner sat on Andrea's usual couch. He picked his head up after the door opened and closed. Red stood before him. She wasn't her usual peppy self, and he wasn't surprised. He waited for her to say something. If he had been in his right mind that morning, he would have gone to see her instead of prompting her to come to him.

He gave her the best smile he could muster. "It doesn't feel all that happy, but...I appreciate it all the same."

The expression of shock on her face shamed him. Behind him lay rubble. His newly expanded cylinder was brighter now, bright enough for her to see the fire he'd caused.

She sounded helpless as she asked, "Has something happened?"

At first unable to give a response, Tanner eventually whispered, "Andrea hasn't been home in three days." Tanner watched his bare feet as he shrugged. "But I shouldn't be all that surprised. It's been four months since she went back to school. Two months since she took a great interest in her teacher. It's good for her to make friends."

"Friends...for three days?"

Although Tanner tried to smile, he couldn't.

"I did the best I could. I gave her everything she wanted." Tanner nodded at the remains of the door on his right with a frown. "Even got that damn shower ready. She never used it, even once."

With a soft sigh, Red crouched down before him.

"Is that what's left of it laying there behind you?" She was gentle as she brushed his hair back. "You can't save everybody, Tan. And you can't help people who don't want your help. And sometimes giving someone everything does more harm than good."

"But it was awful when we didn't have anything."

She looked around the cluttered room. "Was it better when you had everything, though?" He didn't have an answer, and she sighed. "Do you know where Andrea is?"

He nodded. "I went to see her. She was pretty shocked that I found her, but I always knew where she was. When she...." His gaze low, he said, "When she slept with those players, I knew. And when she started with the music teacher, I knew. So when I saw her today, she answered the door in a towel as if she'd just showered. So...." He looked back to the charred stone and sighed. "I was a little bitter."

Red nodded, but the action seemed forced. "What about her Assist training? To fight, to hide, to—"

"No," Tanner answered. "I got what I wanted. I got my abilities back. And she got what she wanted. I can't be mad about that."

"Things will work out," Red assured him.

"Right now, I can't believe that, and I don't care if it does."

"Darling...."

"No. I messed up. It's too late now. They gave her the one thing I never really could. They gave her affection. I wanted her to be happy. But what she needed and what she wanted weren't the same. She needed me to show her how I felt. And when I finally thought to try, she was already with those players, and the idea of mate-sharing, of ending up mute again, of going back to the silence, to the abyss, being trapped in this body, unable to communicate, having a bodyguard everywhere I go like I'm some invalid, it scared me beyond reason, so I didn't try. I couldn't. I just ignored it as if it'd go away. I never talked about it or anything."

"Don't you blame yourself for this," Red said. "Andrea made her choice. And it's not because you lacked anything—"

"How can you say that?" Tanner looked her in the eye, and his spirits sank. "I am what's lacking. I kept thinking I knew a thing or two. I even compared us to Kobal and Rene, like I could do it better. But I never argued with Andrea; I just avoided it. That was my way of disrespecting her. I should have gotten mad. I should have cared enough to yell. I get where Kobal went wrong—I get where I went wrong. Kobal should have stayed. Each time Rene decided to stay till the end, to be a noblewoman and not run off into the night at every insult, Kobal should have supported her and stayed even if he didn't agree. Because if he loved her enough to stand up for her, he should have loved her enough to endure that for her, too. I messed up with Andrea because I didn't talk; I didn't battle. I didn't fight. I just conceded defeat at every turn. I get that. So I hope she finds what she's looking for to make her happy. Because she never needed me for that."

Red always had something encouraging to say but this time she only watched him, on the verge of tears. He hated himself for causing it.

"It's over. It's done."

"Maybe you can talk to her—" Red began but Tanner shook his head.

"No. the last thing she said to me was that she wanted the diskettes with her money." Tanner stood. "And I'm tired. I'm tired emotionally. I'm ready to just physically move. And I'll keep moving till I hit a wall."

She stood with him and surveyed the room, from the neatly arranged weapons high up surrounding them to the floor hidden by a plush rug and various game consoles. Her eyes settled on the unopened box of chocolates resting on the sofa. It looked like it had seen better days. The box held her interest for a moment too long. Finally, she looked past Tanner to what remained of the destroyed bathroom.

She said, "I think you've already slammed into that wall."