I take a few steps to try to reach my destination, but it's hard to walk. I'd like to grab hold of the walls, but I don't want to attract the attention of any of these assholes.
I think about the headmistress. I think about her office. Horrible jail.
The headmistress accuses me. She knows everything, every past, present and future action, every thought, every possibility that wasn't, every possibility that won't be she also knows and includes it in her terrible judgment. She knows everything.
“Confess!” she shouts. The walls rumble, the single window shatters, dust falls from the ceiling. She is mad, choleric. Real anger in her face, no sadness at all. It's pure disdain for me, for all that I am, for all my lies, for my defeat.
“No!” I resist, but it's useless. I wear the truth like a chain around my neck, heavier than this church, than all the churches in the world put together.
The headmistress pushes me, beats me to the ground. Like a wild beast she tears my robe, rips my underwear. I push her off me, I try to get up, to run, but she grabs my legs and makes me fall, my face hits the ground and breaks. I’m wounded and she steps on me to get to the door, my air escapes from my chest in a cry, she closes it with a blow that shakes the place. The only way of escape no longer exists. No, with someone with this power, the very idea of escape was nothing more than an illusion.
The headmistress approaches me while licking her lips. I can see her drooling, saliva dripping to the floor in droplets from her mouth, then in strands. I try to crawl away, but there is no way out, I get more and more locked in. I reach the window, get up and grab the curtain, accidentally pulling it away. In order not to fall I grab those thick bars. I shake them, but they are immovable, no matter how much I pull, push or hit them. Still, I try. This seems to infuriate her.
She grabs and pulls me violently, my hands are not strong enough to hold the bars and I am dragged by hers. Once again on the floor, she begins to touch me, to lick me. There is no place left undefiled. She wipes the blood from my face with her mouth.
As she licks me, she sighs, moans, enjoys it, enjoys my body.
She covers my mouth, I can't scream, she touches me more, licks me more. Full of spit, of drool, I am hit where it hurts the most, she punishes me, humiliates me. I cry, I cry so much that I feel my throat dry.
And I love it.
And I hate that I love it.
I walk through the dining room, a girl looks at me. I blow her a kiss, she looks away.
I stop when I get to the bathroom. How hot it is, the walls are cracking, the floor is erupting, cracks where toxic fumes are escaping.
I enter the bathroom. I think I have peed myself. I'm wrong. The toilets are separated by cubicles, giving privacy. I go into the last one. I take everything off, hang this damn robe between cubicles, pull down my underwear and finally start to calm the heat.
The headmistress finishes beating me, takes off her clothes, I can see everything. I'm so embarrassed, I look away. But she takes my head and twists it to her figure, forcibly opens my eyelids, forces me to see her, forces me to touch her, to kiss her everywhere. For every kiss she moans and makes my ears ring. And I am doomed to be the director's plaything for an eternity.
But then the beast interrupts her cruel game, she looks at the door. It vibrates. Someone knocks on it, somebody wants to open it. It is Raquel and next to her David and Ismael. They break down the door and rush at the headmistress. They are wounded in the process, their clothes torn, but they manage to get her off me, they throw her between the three of them hard against the bars, the air escapes from her lungs as she hits them with her back.
Just when I thought all was lost, I am saved.
There I see my attacker, sitting on the floor with her back against the wall below the window. I want my revenge. I look with complicity at my lovers. They take off what little clothes they have left and we attack the woman. And we do everything to her. We give her pain, we give her pleasure.
And I reach my maximum pleasure, while the headmistress lies stupid from ecstasy on the floor, we are victorious, even if only by the skin of our teeth.
And I'm left stupid inside a cubicle sitting on a toilet with my legs stretched out and numb.
***
I look at the place. The dirty cubicle walls, the dirty toilet, even the dirty ceiling. I look at my hand, dirtier than the whole place, still between my legs.
And then I look at Raquel, who opened the door to my cubicle.
She covers her mouth with her hand. A million tears are about to come out of her eyes that have never looked so big.
Please, somebody kill me.
Raquel takes several steps back, ready to run. I don't even have time to adjust my underwear, I take advantage of her slowness and manage to catch her with my arms. But I don't have the strength, I've lost it all. With a jerk, despite her small body, she manages to get me off her, I hit the wall sideways, my shoulder rings and my feet slip, I end up sliding on the floor, falling. The air is knocked out of me as I feel pain in my ribs. My neck is left in an awkward position against the wall, bent.
My whole body hurts and I can't get up. Why am I so weak? I thought I was strong, now I can do nothing but cry, cover my face, my head, in some corner of a dirty bathroom, with my underwear pulled down to my feet.
“Oh my God!” I hear Raquel. I thought she was gone. Between my arms covering my head I sneak a glance, I can see the horror on her face, her hands brought to her chest, she's arched up trying to see my condition. There are some murmurs coming from the door.
Raquel hastily grabs me by the arm, barely manages to lift me up and leads us staggering to the cubicle from just now to hide. She sees my robe hanging there and grabs it so no one can see it from outside. The girls who have come over talk amusedly, seem to be just using the sinks, and leave.
“Are you all right? I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear. I just thought the headmistress had said something to you, that you had come to the bathroom and were alone. I heard noises coming from the cubicle, I thought you were crying, I never imagined…”
I want to disappear even more. I don't want to hear anything, anyone. Maybe my mom, maybe she has something nice to tell me.
“No! I didn't mean to... forget I said anything," She tries in a thousand ways to calm me down.
I manage to compose myself a little after a while.
“Can you get dressed?” Raquel says in a soft voice. Her face has no disdain, just a lot of sorrow.
Right, I haven't even pulled up my panties. I do. She hands me my robe. She accompanies me to wash my hands. But I'm all dirty.
“Do you want to go to the showers?” As if reading my mind, Raquel suggests it. I practically lean on her. We get out of the bathroom. A lot of eyes are on me. At least I'm not naked this time, but you can tell how much I've cried. But no one says anything to me, not even the sisters. Let them think what they want.
I take a bath at last. The shower water cleans me. Although my dirt can't wash off so easily, at least I feel some relief. Raquel brings me my towel, another change of my underwear and a new clean robe to put on.
How easy it would be if one could do that with shame, with sadness, with guilt, with the stares of others. I take them off and that's it, I exchange them for other nicer things. Before, I could achieve something similar by coming to church. Now I ruined even that, with my own hand I destroyed it.
At the table I eat, I don't look at anyone. If I did, I would see the same faces of my schoolmates.
I go to bed. I don't know when I will pray again. I can't fall asleep. I get up and go to the next bed, I see in the dark a movement, a pretty face coming towards me. Raquel makes a space for me in her bed and I get under the covers.
It's like when I was a little girl and I was afraid the Devil would come and get me. I would go to my mom's room and she would welcome me. And the Devil couldn't get me, he was never going to get me, and my mother would stroke my head and I would fall asleep.
“Don't cry, Sharon,” Raquel tells me very softly. She hugs me. I forget the pain in my neck and side. I have a nice dream.
