“IT’S CRACKED! ALL THE WAY TO THE CENTER!”

A disgruntled caveman crouches and taps the stone wheel of his car, constructed of wood and more stone.

“Do you think you should be tapping it like that?” asks a woman peeking down at him from the driver’s side door.

The man grunts back, “IT’S ALREADY BUSTED ANYWAY, HONEY!” he taps the wheel one more time, and it crumbles apart. He looks down and pinches his brow. Then, the man gets back up and stands in the middle of the road.

“You seem tense~♥ Maybe you should lie down in the back and let me comfort you~♥” the woman suggests.

The man raises his arms and shouts, “HONEY…please!” 

He hangs his head down and sulks, “I need a moment to just…I don’t know…just, ugh…”

…

Meanwhile, further up the road…

“We’ll be eating like champions tonight!” Club exclaims.

Club, Stick, and Onid are cruising back home with their own car constructed of wood and stone.

Stick points ahead, “Hey! Check it out!”

“HA! Some bozo’s junk wagon broke down!”

Club says, “You’re right. We’ll help ’em out.”

Stick groans, “UGHHHHH! But I’m hungry!”

*ARF* *ARF* goes Onid.

…

Back to our sulking caveman…

The woman pleads, “Can you at least come back over here, sweetie poo? I don’t like you standing out-”

He fires back, “HONEY! Please…if anyone else were coming, I would-”

A fast-approaching voice yells, “BEEP! BEEP! GET OUTTA THE WAY, ROADKILL!”

The man’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head at the approaching fender! He dives out of the way as a dust cloud rockets past where he once stood! The man shakes and chatters his teeth while holding himself in a fetal position on the ground.

Feeling a tap on his shoulder, he looks up.

“Why don’t you ask them for help, Douggy?” the woman asks.

The man looks forward and observes the mocking expression of ‘OH, GREAT! It’s THAT’ brat, her dopey “dog”, and…

“Are you alright, Mr. Chip?” asks Club.

…The seductive lips from that seductive seductress THAT brat calls a sister…

The man feels his heart beating uncontrollably.

‘Have mercy…’

*ER-HRMM*

He erratically ditches tempting and impure thoughts, switches to a haughty expression, rises, and rubs the dirt off his shirt.

“I have a handle on the situation! Ms. Granite!” he answers.

“Do we, Douggy?” asks the woman, who is his faithful and pure girlfriend.

Stick snickers, “Yeah, Douggy Doo, do you have a handle- OW!” as Club pinches her on the arm.

Club says, “Please! Hop in, and we can swing by the Pebble’s when we’re back in town!”

The man, Douglas Chip, looks at Onid’s endlessly drooling face in the back and decides, “That’ll be all, Ms. Granite! I can change a simple tire…”

He catches a stare deep into Club’s ~oh so pretty eyes~, snaps out of it again, and finishes with, “...but thank you…”

“Well, alright then…we’ll go before our dinner brings flies!” Club says and starts back up her car.

“Buh bye, Mr. Chip~ See ya, Betty~”

“Buh bye, darlings~♥” Mr. Chip’s girlfriend, Betty, waves to them.

*VROOOOM*

They take off, leaving the two behind.

When they are out of sight, Mr. Chip says, “Granite’s…Damn Granite’s…”

*clunk*

“Aw~♥ Sweetie Poo! Did you leave the spare tire in the garage again?” asks Betty looking at an empty trunk.

…

Further down the road, Stick snides, “Did you see the look on his dumb face when we stopped? How anybody loves a wimpy dungheap like him is-”

“OW!” Stick gets interrupted with a flick on the nose.

“MR. DOUGLAS CHIP is your Math teacher! Show some manners!” Club reminds her.

“And YOU don’t need another failed test!” flicking Stick’s nose again.

“OW!” *GRRR* Stick boasts back, “Let the geeks count boring tiny rocks for all I care!”

“I want to be where the action is! I wanna move GIANT and HEAVY rocks all day with cool people, just like DAD!” and she flexes her tiny biceps.

Club twirls one of her pigtails, “HMPH! Witty takes his counting very seriously, is very passionate about his EXCITING DISCOVERIES, and is very cool…”

*PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT*

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Stick explodes into laughter.

She puckers her lips and jokes, “Oh~♥ Witty~♥ You beast~♥ Discover these lips with me~♥”

“Oh~♥ Fabiana~♥ Baby~♥ I take smooching very seriously~”

“KISSY KISSY~♥”

Club’s face boils up like a searing red tomato, and she grants Stick the most powerful nose flick yet!

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” Stick screams as their car approaches and zooms past a road sign…

…Welcome to Flagstone…

A quaint suburban community paved with dirt roads, homes made of rock by hand or by dinosaur.

One cavewoman with luxurious puffy hair and a lovely mink scarf is taking her pet mammoth for a walk.

“Go make your little tinky tinkies over there~” she says to it.

The lil’ mammoth sniffs the ground and stops by a bush, prepares to take a leak but…

*RUMBLE*

*RUMBLE*

The ground shakes beneath its feet. It peeks around the corner, and in horror goes…*BFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT*

It screams and runs off past its owner! A pair of eyeballs sprouts from the cavewoman’s (apparently) still alive mink scarf as it pops out its paws and scrams! As the cavewoman sighs, her face is pelted by the oncoming dirt trail of a certain car zooming by…chunks of mud and dust knock her wig off.

A man trimming the bushes from the other side glances over and says, “Hiya, Ms. Rhinestone! Didn’t see ya there!”

She huffs…

Something catches the man’s attention, grabbing it and saying, “…got your ummm wig,” and smiles sheepishly.

She *THWACKS* him across the face with her purse.

Our trio turns the corner around Flint Street and pulls into the driveway of a ranch-style limestone home. Club parks, and Stick launches herself out. She carries Club’s wooden club and heads in the front door.

Club takes care slowly unbuckling Onid’s booster seat, she rubs his head, and he gives her one big lick before hopping out. She unties the oviraptor carcass from up top. Carrying it upon her shoulders.

“Guess who’s got dinner!” Club says as she makes her way inside.

Screams of “I’M GONNA BEAT YER ASS!” can be heard across the absolute travesty of a messy living room with toys and plushies scattered everywhere. Stick is busy chasing around a rambunctious cave toddler boy. He’s running around with her legendary stick.

“I KNEW YOU STOLE IT! BOOGER BREATH!” Stick yells in hot pursuit.

Club laughs, then looks down after hearing the faint pitter-pattering of footsteps.

“WAAAAAAAH-HUH-HUH-WAAAAAAH!” cries a much slower cave toddler girl that is “chasing” after her brother and sister. Club rustles her baby sister’s hair, carefully steps around her, and enters the kitchen.

Inside, their exhausted mother is drying dishes and stacking them one at a time. Her name is Hollyrock Granite, and it sure would be nice if that husband of hers cleaned up after himself. Especially if he insists on eating this much food…

*RUB* *RUB* *RUB*

*clack*

“Welcome home, Fabby~♥ Oooooh~♥ Leave it there~♥” Holly says, pointing a fork to her left.

“I was beginning to get worried about you three, ya know~♥”

Fabiana “Club” Granite tries to carefully drop the oviraptor with a light *thud* on the barely long enough kitchen countertop.

“HE. HE. Fabby!” Stick laughs while poking her face from around the corner.

“PATTY!” their mother shouts!

The yell sends a shiver down Stick’s spine.

“Betty told me something very interesting before she and Douglas left for their picnic this afternoon…”

“...about a Patricia Granite…a bucket of wet noodles…an elaborate drawing of a “dungheap” on the chalkboard…and a thumbtack on his chair…”

“Hyuck. Hyuck. Hyuck,” Stick snickers and thinks, ‘That dungheap is probably still crying on the side of the road like a little bitch-’

*SCHWING*

Patricia “Stick” Granite knocks it off at the sight of her mother staring at her dead in the eyes with murderous intent.

“UPSTAIRS! ALL OF YOUR HOMEWORK! BEFORE DINNER!” Holly commands while pointing a carving knife at Patricia.

“NOW!”    

Stick zips away up the stairs.

Slowly steadying her nerves, Holly sighs and turns her attention to the oviraptor.

“An Egg Thief? That’s a surprise…”

Club says, “Witty told me the proper term is Oviraptor or Oviraptor philoceratops…or wait, umm, was it Fenestrosaurus philoceratops? Anyway, it was slim pickings today…again…”

“But I wanted to be quick! Didn’t want to put sweet baby Onid in danger~♥”

Onid nestles against her leg, and she pets him.

‘Hmm, is that really all Wit talks to you about~♥?’ her mother smiles.

“About that…Cindi Cragrock told me her brother's friend’s brother’s…best…friend told her more weirdos are moving through the marshes…” Holly whispers.

“Heh. I can handle weirdos!” Club says and smugly folds her arms.

“I’m serious, Fabby! It was all over the news…the outskirts of town and the reserves…”

“Something is not quite right with the animals spotted recently. I’m just saying you ought to-”

*YAAAAAAAAWN*

“-take a nap?” Club yawns.

Holly sighs and says, “Dinner should be ready by the time your father…HMPH! that father of yours…” tapping her fingers on the countertop.

“...gets home~♥” finishing with a smile.

Then she shuts her smile off to shout at the ceiling, “WHICH IS PLENTY OF TIME TO FINISH YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

*STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* Stick provides constructive criticism.

“DON’T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!” Holly threatens.

Club chuckles to herself and leaves the kitchen. Passing what remains of what was once the living room, she flutters her fingers at her toddler siblings. With sparkly eyes, the girl, Pearl, tries to flap her hands in return.

*BAM* *BAM* The boy, Punk, is deep in intellectual thought, trying to find out why this valuable-looking trinket he’s holding…*BAM* *BAM*...won’t break already!

“Ahhhhhh~♥ Mama didn’t forget about her lil’ sparkling gem~♥♥♥…and Punk…”

Sensing danger, Club decides to head upstairs in a flash. She enters her bedroom and daintily shuts the door-

Holly shouts on queue, “MY LIVING ROOM! PUNK! YOU LIL’ SHIT!...Ah~♥ Don’t cry Pearly poo~♥ Let Mama hold you~♥”

Punk can be heard pleading, “Muhmuh! Me! Me! Stick, BAD!”

“Ahhhhh~♥ Let Mama hold you too~♥ Mama can’t stay mad at you~♥ That’s right, Stick bad~♥”

Club stretches her arms out and lets herself fall on her bed. She closes her eyes to the sound of, “HEY! Don’t pull your sister’s hair!” from downstairs and then falls asleep.

…

…

…

In an almost pitch-black cave…

…the same vulture that caught two humans and a “dog” interrupting a critical mission today clutches onto a perch. Tattered robes and faces basked in shadows angrily chatter amongst themselves. Some demand action! Others insist on waiting for-

*CLONG*

*CLONG*

The voices cease immediately…

The vulture sneers with pride as the figure below rests upon their throne, clenching a staff. Skulls and bones litter the floor. The identity of this figure may be known in some corners of the world. Corners that haven’t had their tongues torn out from their throats. Those that wish to keep them dare not speak it. 

The figure rises, exuding an ominous and crushing presence, and all fall to their knees in respect. A proposal is made, causing enthusiastic grins and cheers that can barely contain themselves. The vulture cackles and hops on their shoulder. The figure walks ahead and descends torchlit stairs. A cold, forceful gust blows each one out, one at a time…

-CHAPTER END-

-SET IN STONE-