Lee DeGrasse, Lilah's father's very new and very old lover—wife—was gorgeous. Even prettier than the woman Lilah'd always known. There was something delicate about the Lee of old.

But as Lilah watched the small stage from the very back of the room, clutching her overpriced charity ticket tight, she felt only loathing.

Her father wasn't working, the enforcers were in internal strife, and the medical center needed money. Tonight was a tribute to the tragedy of the Chief enforcer's daughter's passing.

Officially, this was also DeGrasse's third show. The first had barely a handful. Tonight was sold out. Lilah came to them all and she died a bit more each time.

The first floor was the medical area, but here, on the second, the small concert hall stood. Its original purpose was for benefits and fundraisers. On stage, Lilah's father played the violin while DeGrasse danced and sang.

It was amazing. Everything was perfect about it. Everything Lilah was taught as a child but never had the courage to try and master. And here it was, staring her right in the face. And it hurt.

Gus sat in the first row. He stood to applaud with the crowd. Radio stations waited in the wings for an interview. Once the curtain fell, Lilah got to her feet. She wanted to make it to that elevator and maybe wait. The crowd was too thick and as the exit lay in the opposite direction, it was impossible to reach that elevator in a timely manner.

Sure enough, the doors closed. She watched the numbers until twenty-eight flashed clear as day. They were gone—she was gone.

It was foolish to wait, but an hour later that elevator left floor twenty-eighth and Gus stepped out when it landed.

He could see them—Gus could see their parents, yet Lilah couldn't.

She told herself it didn't matter, and she made herself believe it with how cold Gus behaved of late. Her brother wouldn't look at her as he passed by. Lilah took it personally.

"What's wrong with her? Is she all right?" Lilah asked in a hurry.

Her brother ignored her.

Lilah shivered from the anger. It was by chance that she passed by a familiar room, but unlike Gwen's final hours when the room was packed, for Darla...it was empty.

She sat staring out the window and all thoughts fell to her.

Darla. After all that had happened, she'd tried again.... And failed. The door ajar indicated she had a visitor. And what a visitor it was.

Karen Blackwell.

Standing at the foot of Darla's bed, Karen said, "We were friends once."

Darla stared to her right, at the floor instead of making eye contact.

"And I'm so sorry."

"What do you want, Kiki?" Darla asked. "To rub it in?"

"Of course not." Karen sounded different now—young, almost human. "Darla, I'm so sorry." She pulled up a chair and sat down though the woman still stared through her.

Gus-Gus stepped out of that elevator again—a bundle in his hand. When he came to a halt, Lilah looked back to see why.

"What in the...?" Gus swallowed hard. "Why? Why's Blackwell here?" The baby in his arms shifted and he seemed at a loss.

He wasn't very good at holding babies, which surprised Lilah; he was good at everything else. Behind him, the elevator door closed. Lilah longed to approach it, wondering if it might work now that Gus had just used it. She might have tried if her brother's woeful expression didn't concern her.

"What is it?"

He met her gaze and she could see it—he didn't want her help.

"What have I done to make you so angry?" she asked.

"It's not always about you, Lilah. Everybody else is fighting their own battles, too. But what do you care? There's nothing beyond your own pain."

His words weren't said harshly, and his glare held no hate, yet she felt small. She tried to think of how she might have acted before all this happened. And then she saw it. Gus. She hadn't sat him down and talked to him about any of it. Not since it'd happened. And then Gwen.... Lilah'd said nothing to him about that, either. She just left it all silent—the same way she wanted things when she'd thought her mother had died. That was the way she wanted to handle it...but it wasn't on Gus's terms.

"Please. Just for a second. Tell me what's wrong."

Gus struggled with the baby. When he glanced past her at Darla's room again, he spoke.

He talked of meeting their father before Gwen died. Spoke of how they'd avoided him, too, and he'd climbed that building from the outside alone. He also confessed to smiling through it all though he died inside at knowing they weren't coming back. And then finally he confessed to how he'd gotten over it.

"Mama was so sick for so long. And to see her moving around. She didn't like the way she looked now, but...I didn't want her to try and change anything. I was happy for them. I could be. So I stuck around until Dad finally calmed down. And then he warned me about my hair."

Lilah closed her eyes. She'd even forgotten about Gus's hair and how it needed cutting.

"So he asked me to let it manifest into a child. And I said no. But after Gwen died...and I saw Aunt Darla struggling, I...wanted to make a baby, more than ever. But I can't make one without a few things, so I gave up."

"Few things?"

"I'd rather not go into that. The point is...it worked, but...but how do I say all this?"

Lilah wasn't sure. But now her brother's good deed would come back to haunt him.

"If she says no then give it to Mother and Father," Lilah said.

Gus went pale. "Why must you say such awful things?"

She hadn't meant it in a bad way. "I...I...." Her struggle to recover was short lived. What did she mean? Why did she say that? "If they're starting over, maybe they want to start over completely."

Maraton walked in with a gift box.

His arrival prompted Karen to stand, though she did so with great reluctance. "Darla...."

"Go home, Kiki," Darla said without looking at her. "I know you mean well but please go home."

Hand extended tentatively at first, Karen stared at Darla's back. Lilah prayed she'd offer that touch. It might have been poorly received, but the offer...the offer meant so much.

Karen held Darla's shoulder. Sure enough, the woman shrugged it away. She remained a bit longer before walking out in tears.

Lilah felt proud of her. Karen was capable of trying to make amends. She'd heard it in passing that Karen and Darla were the best of friends. Could they really go back to that after all this time? They almost did, though there was no saying what would happen from now. Maybe they never would again, but at least the effort was there.

Maraton stepped into the room and closed the door. The cries to follow made Gus lose heart.

Eating breakfast alone at home the next day ended as it always did lately—with Lilah sitting at the window thumbing through Lander's drawings. More and more she settled on the final one. Today, she liked seeing it.

Karen Blackwell was trying to be half human. She might not ever admit it, but that was probably thanks to Lander. Karen waited too long, expecting to one day make things right. That day never came for her son.

Lilah took care with plucking the pictures out and although it took her most of her day off, she framed each one and hung it in the hall.

"I wasn't much of a friend to you," she said, "I wasn't much of a friend to anyone."

Two months and she still hadn't said anything to Escott in person. All the years they'd been friends must have amounted to something.

She resolved to go into town and find something for him—something to offer as a gift. She didn't expect to see Arma stepping into a clothing shop.

Lilah doubted Arma'd stay there for long. Escott had no money. It wasn't even a secret. Lilah knew Escott too well. He never took money for things he created, and he'd only give it away to anyone who asked. If Arma stuck with Essy because she thought he had any wealth due to his family's status that was ludicrous. Escott would sooner spend that money on something for his younger siblings than for himself.

The dress Arma eyed before looking down at her own palm was a nice one. Eventually she inched her way out and set off home on foot. Escott might have sold his bike. Eleven children were a lot. He probably hadn't given it much sober thought until now.

Lilah stared after Arma for some time. Eventually Lilah did her shopping and made her way up to that farm after she was done. The place was empty. Out in the field Escott's brothers and sisters helped the children farm, but Escott was nowhere in sight. Neither was Arma. Lilah counted herself lucky.

Shouting from the nearby lake—the only one in The Fan—made her curious enough to go look.

Escott clung to the sides of the small boat like a scared animal.

Arma paused with the ores. "Are you all right? We can go back."

"No. Fuck this water. I'm heading in."

"Well, if you're sure."

He tightened his grip, his claws digging into the wood. "Where'd you disappear to all day?"

Arma shook her head. "I didn't disappear. Just looking around town now that I'm a free woman without imminent death looming." She paused. "Are you sure you're all right?"

Escott huffed and puffed. He tried to use his feet to steady the boat, but they only rocked more.

"Calm down," Arma warned. "And whatever you do, don't try to stand—"

They let out a cry as they took a tumble when the boat capsized.

Lilah thought to rush them but calmed when she saw Arma swimming out, her arms around Escott's torso.

"You are so stubborn," Arma grumbled.

"Not bad," Escott said, gasping. "Not bad."

"We fell in."

"But did we die? No." Escott lumbered to his feet, hands still braced on his knees. "We did all right."

"You have a very strange definition of success. Here." She tried to help him stand to his full height, but he lost power. They tumbled to the ground. She laughed. "You did that on purpose."

"How could you say I did that on purpose? Look at me."

When they shared a kiss, Lilah made a sound.

Escott picked his head up. He rose steady and strong, an inhospitable look on his face as he approached

"What the hell do you want?" Escott asked.

The gruffness caught Lilah off guard. This wasn't his usual way of speaking to her.

Lilah lost her nerve. "Here...here looking for new recruits. All the Newbreeds have left. Your support would surely prompt others to feel it less taboo."

Escott made a face. "Nope. Not interested." He nodded to the bag in Lilah's hand. "What's that?"

"It's...it's...." The words didn't come out. Finally, Lilah said, "Condolences for your loss."

He didn't answer, only watched her.

"For your sister."

"I know what you meant." Escott gestured to the bag. "If that's what that is, I don't need it. Thank you."

Lilah looked down at the gift in her hand again and dropped it at his feet.

"Throw it away if you want—it was something old, anyhow." Lilah marched away from that hill and back toward the city.

"What is it?" she heard Arma ask.

"Nothing. Just throw it in the trash. Come on. I want to get ready." At Arma's gasp, Escott asked. "What?"

"Must...must we throw this away? It's...."

Escott went silent and Lilah looked back to see why.

"Now she's giving us old clothes? Some nerve," Escott muttered. "Wait...the price bar is still on it, though. That's one hell of a price. It must have been discounted. Still dumping it."

"I...I...kinda like it," Arma admitted.

She should, it was the same dress she'd been saving up for—Lilah had bought it new.

"Is it—may I have it?"

"I'm not sure how I feel about taking her charity," Escott said.

They shared a kiss, Arma's unsure voice saying, "You said you forgave her. That didn't sound much like forgiveness."

Escott chuckled. "Oh no. I'm not falling for that. I say one nice thing and find my ass sleeping outside."

"Stop." But Arma laughed out when he pounced.

Lilah walked away from the rest of it. She found herself passing that medical building again before heading home and she was happy she did.

Gus stood with a bundle wrapped in his arms which he handed over to Maraton.

"The timing was impeccable. I used the recent embryo she lost and mixed it with the power from my hair praying the old text were right. "It's premature, but it's still stable. And I've checked...it's reading as yours and not mine. And if you'll accept it—"

"I'll accept it," Maraton said. "I'll gladly accept it. I figured we couldn't have one after I came back from hibernation and she'd lost that one, too."

Gus gasped. "You knew?"

"Course I knew. Imp hearing. Has she...has she seen her?"

"Yes. But she's worried and...."

Maraton was careful with the child. "But your lovely hair; it holds your power," he said, "it's all gone."

Rubbing his head again, Gus smiled. "It's not gone. It's just different. And it's the only one I can make. Aunt Darla's still recovering from the surgery."

"I'll—we'll go see her," Maraton said, still staring down at the child. "We'll go see her."

Lilah watched them with pride and relief. Gus-Gus caught sight of her but said nothing.

She called her brother aside and asked, "Are we okay?"

Gus tried to meet her gaze but gave up in time. "I'm just working through some things. So just let me. All right?"

It was a reasonable request, so she nodded.

He hugged her before she could walk away.

"What's that for?" she asked.

"Just...life is short. Just wanna make sure you know I'll always love you, even if I want to kick you in the ass sometimes."

She tried to give off a smile, though not much came of it.

"I'm not the most popular right now, I know."

Gus nodded upward. "Mom's performing...."

Lilah ignored the pit in her stomach. "I'll pass."

"It's just her way of finding some normalcy. Can't you be happy for her—for them?" Gus pleaded.

Rather than answer, Lilah hugged him again and made her way to the door.

She bumped into Escott and Arma—Arma wore the dress.

Escott regained his balance and walked on, but Arma lingered.

"Thank you," she said.

Lilah opened her mouth to deny it, but eventually she nodded. She turned to leave.

Arma met her. "I wanted to enroll as an enforcer, but not if you'd mind," she said.

They needed the numbers. Lilah considered it for some time and then said, "I wouldn't mind it, no. I'd be much obliged."

A minute later, Arma met her husband at the stairs leading to the second floor.

In no time, a good size crowd formed. Lilah, however, decided to report into work early. There was a lot to catch up on. She searched their files for a specific picture. Lander had been arrested enough times that he had a good variety. She selected the best one and put it on her desk.

She turned the radio on next, purposely searching for one name which she eventually found.

"DeGrasse."

Lilah turned the radio up and sat back.

"You and your husband are expecting your first child. We haven't seen a natural born Elemental in over twenty years," the announcer said.

"We're pretty excited about it—well, terrified, too, but excited. It's a first for both of us."

All this talk of babies, Lilah felt good until now. Her parents were starting again...literally. But why did that sting so much?

Someone cleared his throat. "Ma'am?"

One of the temporary Newbreed enforcers stood before her desk.

Lilah looked around, confused by his presence.

"Yes?" she said.

"New reports of possible sightings of Winrose, ma'am."

Lilah took the papers offered and said, "Thank you."

"The number of critters aren't rising. My team alone caught a good fifteen this month," the enforcer said.

Usually, Lilah kept to any task she'd started but today, she gave the Newbreed her full attention.

"Two new recruits, too. One Topsider, everybody calls her Ice and.... You won't believe this. Rosemarie Blackwell."

Lilah certainly didn't. She sifted through the paperwork and sat back. The sight of Mrs. Blackwell's strong recommendation letter was a bit much. One wasn't even necessary. Lilah thanked the Newbreed enforcer but after she conveyed her appreciation the man didn't move.

He cleared his throat again. "Everyone's heading to Big Henry for the show. I...I wondered if you had a date."

His posture looked sloppy, but he had a strong build otherwise. Jan knew him so that meant he knew Lilah. Still, with all that'd happened, Lilah was less than enthusiastic about either prospect of going out for fun or going to Big Henry.

She didn't have to say anything; he only nodded and excused himself.

Lilah sat back again and adjusted the radio—the show was starting.

"This one's dedicated to my mothers," Degrasse said, "And there've been a few of them throughout the years. So to the one that raised me, the one that made me, the one that saved me, and the one I died for, the one who gave me children, and the one who gave me a second chance and to any that I've forgotten, I've lived a life I'm proud of and the bumps along the way made it all the more sweeter now that I can really see you all for who you were.

"Some are gone, one's close by, one I might meet again one day, but now and then I bring myself back to the time you hurt me the most, and I'll tell you all the things I wasn't strong enough to at the time. It doesn't matter if you hear them, or even understand. It doesn't matter if we say the things we need to, even a hundred years later, just so long as we say them...we can reclaim what we've lost. We can go back."

The music started and Lilah watched her desk for some time. Maybe impulse or otherwise, but she grabbed her jacket and rushed out. She barely caught the new enforcer before he stepped into the cab.

"Wait." When he paused to regard her, she let out a deep breath. "I'd love to accompany you."

Maybe they weren't compatible, maybe it was just the one get-together. Maybe it'd all go rotten like it did with Escott and even Lander. Or maybe...well, maybe nothing.

It was all up to chance. Trying to go backwards was an illusion.

Maybe it was best to let the waters of fate take her wherever they may.

End

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Book 2: Forward by Any Means
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We Can Go Back

by Lyna Forge

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