Author pov
After the party Ann came home she feared the thought of going home , she knew that her parents would beat her why she was a disgrace to them .
" how dare you , disrespect our family like this you useless good for nothing child"!! The sound of a clap across lily face rung in her ears.
" I can't believe, I raised such a useless child "! Her mother said looking at her with disgust.
" I-I". She tried to defend why she did what she did but she was interrupt by her body being slamed on the wooded living room floor .
" mother, father onii-sama ". It was noneother than her older brother who had nocked her to the ground.
She was surprised at her onii-sama he used to be so kind to her, even defended her from own parents when the beatings went to extreme.
" onii-sama I didn't mean to ". Her onii-sama looked pissed and disgusted .
" trash like you doesn't deserve to call me onii-sama ". Her gentle onii-sama changed right before her eyes .
The onii-sama she knew was just a fake testing if she was worth it in the end . as soon as he got the info he needed he showed his true colors .
The thing she felt the most was fear, sadness and most of all hatred and betrayal.
" kill her "! Ordered her father the next day our dear lily was executed . they had pinned the missing money from the banks on her . when it was them who did it .
" I will have my revenge the one who has the last laugh will be me hahahaha "!!! The mc screamed her family didn't even flinch .
They thought what could a frail useless girl do anyway ? The civilans looked at the mc with fear they had thought she was crazy .
" is she crazy"? " did she lose her mind "? The civilian watched as the lady infront of them was executed.
" ahhhhh "! The mc jumped up from bed sweating buckets, staring at her hands so small she thought .
" whaaaaaa"!!! I'm a -a child again no way she thought but no matter how she denied it she was infact 4 again .
To be continued .....
Author note/\/\/
Hope you enjoy my new story love you guys
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Now after reading this I must say, even objectively, that this is possibly the worst-written, from the technical point of view, story on this site. This, however, can be easily fixed if you're willing to put in some work. I will try to put in reasoning behind all I'm writing down, but I've been on holidays for a month already so pardon me if I only know how to practically do a thing instead of theoretically explaining it like I learned in uni.
Well, the writing is kinda all over the place, so forgive me if I'll be to. Let's start with whether you're formal or informal. If you're writing a first person POV, informal language is perfectly fine. However, if you're--as you are now--writing in third person limited, the language should remain formal. Words like 'legit' or 'pissed', if used randomly and just because can really break the reading flow. Describing your protagonist as 'MC' inside the story is also an absolute no-no. We know she's the main character, but you can never write this into the actual narration. Sprinkling words from other languages can, too--we are not told they're in Japan (by names, I'm assuming they're not), we're not told they're in an otome game, we're explicitly shown that the MC isn't a reincarnate, therefore she absolutely can not call her brother a Japanese term for it.
Now, the punctuation and formatting. This is the thing that your reader sees immediately, and this is the thing that can turn them off instantly. Very often people judge writer's professionalism by it and if the formatting and/or punctuation is making it hard to read, then reading won't be pleasant. Centering the story is an absolute no-no, and all new sentences must begin with a capital letter, unless you're stylistically not going to do that. When writing dialogue, the space is present only after the last ", not before, not after first, just once you're beginning a new thought after it. You also do not put spaces before sentence-ending, or any at all, punctuation symbols. When writing a dialogue, all your dialogue is to be kept in brackets, that particular sentence's punctuation signs included. If you don't know how to format it properly, go read some stories on this site (you might give mine a read?) to see how most people do it--trust me, they do it for a reason.
As for how you structure your sentences... I'm not sure my university classes covered fixing something like that. I'm confused, they aren't even run-on's, they're just scattered thoughts that I understand but I see just how badly the sentences are constructed and it makes me angry. There's nothing I can do except to direct you to the various tutorials and classes on how to properly write a sentence in this case. You should look into: tense consistency, run-on sentences and how to avoid them, dangling modifiers and how to fix them and, very importantly, various types of sentences; simple, compound, complex and compound-complex, as well as the cumulative style; the loose sentence, the periodic sentence, the convoluted sentence and the centered sentence, as well as the various writing styles that utilize them. Remember about segregating style and freight train and keep fixing your sentence until it reads right, because as of now, your sentences do not.
Let's take your first sentence of the chapter into consideration;
After the party Ann came home she feared the thought of going home , she knew that her parents would beat her why she was a disgrace to them .
It could easily be fixed into;
After the party Ann came home, although she feared doing so as she knew that her parents would beat her due to her being a disgrace to them.
Doesn't it sound and flow so much better? If you don't know if your sentence is right, the best way of seeing where you've gone wrong is simply reading it out loud. You'll know right away what’s wrong. Some sentences should be connected, some should be split; you can have sentence that’s literally just one word, but you cannot have sentence that says “when it was them who did it” because it’s not a sentence.
Now onto the descriptions, which there are lacking. I’m, personally, a person of a lot of descriptions. I just like to know where are we at, what’s going on and who is doing what. In your case, there are just barebones of descriptions; you should give writing down a setting, and maybe some metaphors, a try, although not before you improve your technicalities, because otherwise it might be scary.
And now, onto the actual plot; I don’t understand. She’s a disgrace to her family because she gets laughed at during parties? Why is she attending parties then to begin with? What did she do to be laughed at by the upper classes? Is she a disgrace solely because some mean bastards laugh and point at her? That’s a bit ridiculous. And she gets killed for that? I can’t quite fathom that. Most people get bullied sometimes, and they don’t suddenly become the disgrace to the family because of it. And yet, because of that, she was a disgrace and was beaten?
Also what is her relationship with her brother? Some backstory to them? Why the sudden shift?
All in all, the writing could really be improved, a lot. You say this is your first story, that’s good. Well, the story isn’t good—but it’s good it’s your first one, giving you a lot of room to improve. I’m not asking you to become the next coming of Tolkien, but please do take my advices to heart, look up the things I’ve mentioned and improve at least your craft. I recommend reading stories from those who’ve been in this whole business longer, as they mostly know what they’re doing, and you could learn a lot from them.
I’ll be keeping your story in mind, but for now, I said what I wanted and I bid you goodbye in hopes you improve your writing more.