“I used to be uninhibited with my sex life. I sought out anyone to sleep with. Men, women.  I didn’t care. Until one day, I saw it affecting my career. I had gotten fired because I had spent my company time sleeping with a prostitute. She turned out to be a relative of a coworker. He felt ashamed about it, so he reported me to our boss.”

I slowly drank my sake, hanging on to every word.

“I ended up going back to university to get a master’s in psychology. During school, I would hold support group sessions just like this to talk to men about their issues. Once I graduated, I became a generalized psychologist, speaking to others about common issues like anxiety. But I still hold these groups.” He sighed, like he was reminiscing on the past, the good aspects of it. 

“Do you have sessions for one-on-one clients?” Tsukiyama said. “I feel like I should’ve seen your name before.”

“I just started to offer those sessions. Would you prefer to have a one-on-one?”

“I’ll...have to see.” Tsukiyama took a drink.

“Alright. How does everyone else feel about the idea of doing a one-on-one session?”

“I think I like it this way,” Z said. “It makes me feel less alone, like there are others like me! It gives me a chance to meet new people.”

I glanced at him. I guess he had a point.

“Hmm,” Yamazaka hummed. There was a bit of silence afterward as everybody continued to eat.

“So would anyone like to start?”

Z held his hand up. Of course. “I can!” I looked over at his bowl. Cleaned the fuck out. His cup of sake was empty too.

“So… for the past few years I’ve been having a lot of weird fantasies. I never really had a girlfriend or…” He looked down. “I’ve never fallen in love. Well, not in the proper way. I’ve fallen in love with characters and how they’re written. But real people scare me sometimes. It took a lot to just come here.”

“You’re making improvements,” Yamanaka said.

“Thanks!” he said cheerily.

I kinda just wanted to give him a hug for some reason. The Cancer in me was jumping out.

“So what are these fantasies you have?” Yamanaka asked, leaning in.

“I just want to have raw, disgusting sex.”

I almost fell out.

“I just want to…” he sighed.

“Take your time.” Others started nodding.

“I want to mistreat others but in a loving kind of way.” He grabbed his head. “No, that doesn’t make sense!” He sighed again.

“It’s okay if it doesn’t make sense,” Yamanaka said softly. “You’re expressing your thoughts. That’s all that matters.”

I glanced over at Z. He looked so damn worried. “Okay,” he said. “It’s like I want to take someone and lick all over their body. All of their dirt and sweat and I want to make them even dirtier by cumming inside of them.”

Don’t get hard, don’t get hard, I kept saying in my head. I swore I saw Haruki biting his lip.

“I’d also like to feed and bathe them afterward,” he started to say more softly, “then just do it to them all over again.”

Z looked down again and adjusted his glasses. “I...I actually said it aloud, to other other people. In real life!”

Haruki and Keiji chuckled, while Tsukiyama and I just sat there, shook as hell.

“You did,” Yamanaka said, nodding. “So you have these kinds of thoughts on a regular basis?”

“All the time!” Z said, suddenly getting a burst of energy. “It’s getting me distracted while I work!”

“Thank you for your time,” Yamanaka said, “Who is ready to continue?”

“I-I can go,” Tsukiyama said, “I...uh...My wife left me. Well...it’s kind of a long story. She had cheated on me beforehand. Said I couldn’t satisfy her. When she left, it was like I wanted to prove her wrong.” He paused, staring off into space. “So...I just fucked a lot of escorts and soap girls. It just got crazier as I kept doing it. I even thought about working part-time just so I could have more time to fuck.”

Holy shit, I thought. We were silent for a while.

“So sex affecting work is a theme here,” Yamanaka mused. I saw him writing something down in a notebook.

“Um, what’s that for?” Haruki asked. Shit, I wanted to know.

“I want to write down everyone’s accounts. Just in case you would like to continue working with me.” He smiled. It reminded me of the fake smiles I would practice in the mirror at the strip club. “Would you like to go next?”

“Oh, uh, sure,” Haruki said. He fidgeted around in his chair a bit.

“I guess I may not be as experienced as most people. I’ve only had sex once and when I did...it was like something took over me. I’ve just been having nightmares ever since. They're just...” He sat there, shaking. “They’re so violent. 

“Really,” Yamanaka said. He seemed really intrigued by this. So was I. Nightmares. So I'm not the only one.

“You may be a good candidate for a one-on-one session,” Yamanaka said.

“Oh, I don’t think I could afford--”

Yamanaka held his hand up. “Your first session can be free.” He slid a card to him. Haruki picked it up, staring at it. It reminded me of the card Keiji gave me. I almost forgot I had it. I avoided looking at him.

“Thank you for your story,” Yamanaka said. He glanced at me and Keiji.

“Fine, I’ll go,” Keiji said, downing a long swig of his sake.

“I’d say I’m like Zenigata,” he motioned his hand towards him, “but worse. I like going after people. Maybe pushing their boundaries a little.”

I downed the little bit of sake I had at this point, which was nothing. Hell, I would suck Yamanaka’s dick right now if he get some damn sake right the fuck now.

“It’s like I want a relationship, but I just keep screwing it up. It’s like I want to convince someone to sleep with me, someone who shouldn’t want it.”

“And just what kinds of people would that be?” I blurted out.

Everybody gawked at me.

Keiji’s eyes widened for a moment before he went, “Anyone…” he lowered his shoulders, “who I feel like I can take advantage of.”

“They do sake refills here?” I leaned in, asking Yamanaka.

“I believe it’s only for the ramen.”

Z perked up. “I would like one then!”

We paused for Z and Tsukiyama to get their refills. I had begun to lose my appetite.

“I believe it’s your turn, Yoshida,” Yamanaka said.

Fuck, I thought.

“Um, ok,” I said. Hearing everybody else’s stories almost made me exhausted. “I work as a dancer, as everyone knows, so I’m used to being around others in an intimate way. But...I’ve also been having nightmares too,” I said looking at Haruki. “I’m always being raped or molested by some demon. I’ve been trying to have some kind of control, but I just feel so…” I look down yet again. Fuck. No. I’m not going to get all emotional and weird.

“I guess I’m okay living here,” I just keep going, “I do look different from everyone else, I guess. But I do feel comfortable with being gay...but I don’t want to be…some whore. Like, I’m a person.” Great, I started sniffing up at this point.

“I love dancing, but sometimes I just wonder about everybody back home or my dad, who pretty much hates me now and…”

Why the fuck am I saying all of this? I rubbed my face with my hands, leaving them there. I peek out of them for a second because I could feel Yamanaka giving me a tissue.

I took it but said, “It’s not like I’m gonna cry, you know.” But then my dumb ass starts crying anyway.

Yamanaka silently gives me a card too.

Why didn’t he give one to the others? I didn’t think much about it as I tried to control my tears and shoved my card into my pocket.

I could hear Haruki and Z whispering “Are you okay?” at me. I just nodded.

The support group meeting began to wrap up.

“We can meet again...same time next week?” Yamanaka asked.

Everyone nodded.

Yamanaka and Haruki got up from the table and headed out, but I could see them briefly talking as they did.

“Angel.”

Keiji bowed to me.

“I was wrong to approach you in that way in the club.” He kept bowing to me. “And I probably shouldn’t have said anything about your job.”

I titled my head a little. “Thanks for the apology.” I guess.

“Uh, you still have my card, right?” He said.

“I think so. I think I left it---”

He bit his lip, then smiled. “I haven’t seen you lately at the club.” He got closer to me. “You’re always free to call.” Then he walked away.

I just stood there. This motherfucker.

“Hey!” Z said to me, before I could leave myself. Tsukiyama was still sitting too, finishing up his ramen.

“You’re a half?”

I tried not to groan. The term “half” or hafu was slang for someone who was half-Japanese.

“Yeah.”

“Are you...Latino? Or maybe Black?”

“Well, both. My mother is both.”

Z just nodded. “I thought I would ask because I have family from Brazil!”

“Oh, really?” I said. 

I’ve met Latin expats before, but they were professionals. English teachers or translators. I felt out of place with them. They always seemed to talk about their work experiences. 

“I’m sorry for being so…”

“It’s fine.” At least, he didn’t curl my hair in his fingers while asking, like a lot of people did. I stood up, “So...do you plan on coming next week?”

“Sure!”

I looked over at Tsukiyama. He was just on his phone, not even looking up.

“I’ll see you.”

“Oh, hey, almost forgot!” He stood up and walked up right next to me. He pulled out a book from his jacket pocket. “I wasn’t sure if there were going to be other gay people here, but I think you might like it,” 

“You’re gay?” I said. I had also been taken aback by the fact he spoke in a lower tone now. I guess he wasn’t out.

He nodded frantically. 

I looked at the cover. It’s a half naked dude with long, black hair. His bottom half is covered by a red, sheer drape. I feel like I’ve seen a number of covers like this on a lot of doujin. Warrior Prince of Love in large hiragana covered the bottom right corner. The author and illustrator’s name were at the bottom. Neither were Z’s.

“It’s an erotic light novel. I ghost wrote it. It’s one of the free copies I got. It’s been one of my new ventures. Maybe one day I could write my own story, with a pseudonym. ”

“O-okay. Uh, thanks, Zenigata.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to call him Z just yet.

I left the now bustling ramen bar.