Ever gone out drinking with your buddies and decided to stay sober for some bullshit reason?

I did that once. Not because my doctor told me to or anything - that cunt can take a “cirrhosis of the liver” diagnosis and give himself a rectal exam with it. To completion.

The reason I decided to stay sober was… I wanted to know if I actually liked my friends or not. My hypothesis was that it wouldn’t really matter - those fuckers were hilarious. Truly some top lads.

It wouldn’t make a damn difference if I drank or not - but I still wanted to know for certain.

Five rounds later, I had my answer.

Turns out that my friends, who I’d known for years, were some of the most boring, droll degenerates I’d ever met. And the clubs were all too loud. And the music sucked. I could barely even hear their pathetic attempts at communication over the thumping bass. The few words that I caught were a wet slurry of bragging, posing, and ill-conceived “wisdom”.

Pain Is Strength Leaving The Body

…Or Some Shit, I Can’t Remember

I ended up on the dance floor by the end of the night, and I hate dancing. The only time I can muster enough of any kind of emotion to move with rhythm is when I’m trashed.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - I don’t have a fucking problem with alcohol. I MEAN IT. There’s no voices in my head telling me to obey or suffer. There’s no compulsion. There’s no withdrawal. There’s only my rational brain telling me that if I don’t drink up, I’ll hate everyone around me, and they’ll all hate me.

Some people are angry drunks. Others are daredevil drunks. Me? I’d like to think that I’m a gregarious drunk. Seriously, when my brain is properly lubricated I can get along with people I have no business getting along with.

The sad fact is that drinking makes me an objectively better person.

Or so I thought, as I sat at the bar of the Adventurer’s Guild, nursing (or nursing from?) a tankard of ale.

I wasn't allowing anybody else to indulge in my presence this evening - Zerch was off defying death somewhere, Sylvana and Beck were once again nowhere to be seen, and Spud had a previous engagement with the afterlife.

So I was just sitting there at the bar, lost in my feels, swirling the drink around to make a little whirlpool in my cup.

Burt and co. had the table of honor this evening. He must have taken Dunkan's advice as a personal attack, because his squadron immediately went out and slayed the largest Primantipede I'd ever seen, which was strung up above the entrance as per usual, hanging above the floor of dancing couples. The last Primantipede was full of those terrifying human-like arms, but they were all shriveled and skinny. The one on display today was legitimately jacked. In addition to being an anatomical abomination that could haunt anyone's nightmares.

"Hey." came a voice behind me. I turned to greet the unexpected company.

"Owen? How'd you get in here?" I asked.

"They let Burt have a few guests this time. His name is already starting to carry some weight around here, I guess. I mean, just look at that thing!" he said, waving at the monstrosity. Its stiffened tail-arm curved all the way over its back, tipped with dagger-like fingers, while its lifeless bug eyes gazed on. I'd still never seen a living Primantipede, and I never wanted to.

"Why bother though? He should already be able to graduate." I pointed out.

Owen shrugged.

"Anyway, Burt wants you to join us for a bit. He says he has an announcement for the people from Apis."

"I'm not really from Apis..." I said. But my curiosity was stronger than my suspicion, so I took a hefty sip of anti-awkward serum and followed Owen back to the table.

I didn't want to commit to a seat - you never know when you'll need to make a quick getaway - so I just stood behind Owen as he took his. There were a bunch of chairs around the table tonight, containing Burt, Clayton, Stella, Allison, and... that random guy from their group.

"...need to keep going out there! We can already graduate!" the guy was pleading to Burt.

"You don't need to come with us." Burt countered.

"Yes I do! They won't let you out into the killing field without a fourth person!"

"So then just go out to the forward base with us! We'll leave you there while we do all the work!"

"No! That's a waste of my time! I'm sorry Burt, but I'm done. And you should be too! There's no point in taking any more risks! That thing almost killed me!"

The kid got up and left the table, huffing all the way out of the Guild hall.

Another empty seat, but I sure as hell wasn't going to claim it.

Burt frowned, irritated, but when he saw me his face picked back up, which immediately made me nervous.

Whatever this announcement is, I'm not going to like it.

"Looks like everyone's here, then." Burt said, taking a swig from his glass.

Stella and Allison, who were sitting on either side of him, looked at him expectantly.

"I've spoken to Dunkan recently about my future, and made some decisions about what I'll be doing once we graduate." Burt continued.

My stomach tightened as my promise to John came floating back unpleasantly.

Oh shit, I was supposed to convince him to stay in Apis, wasn't I?

Is John gonna be pissed at me if Burt decides to run off on an adventure??

"You all know that after graduation, I’ve been talking about doing the Six Summits Challenge. I’ve thought about it a bit more, and spoke with a few people… and I’ve decided not to do the challenge. Instead, I'll be returning home to Apis."

The knot in my stomach loosened.

Looks like Dunkan managed to get through to him after all...

"And I'll be getting married as well!" he said, putting an arm around Allison. 

"To both of these lovely ladies!" he added, putting his other arm around Stella.

Eyes darted back and forth all over the place, checking reactions, absorbing the news.

"Oh!" Owen exclaimed after a long pause. "Congratu... lations Burt! And Allison…”

I must be a true cunt, because I was kinda enjoying watching him squirm uncomfortably in his seat.

Then I turned to see Burt giving me the same look I was just giving Owen, and it suddenly hit me why I’d been called over in the first place.

Does this guy think… this was gonna bother me?

A smirk spread over my face.

He actually thinks I care about either of those bitches!

“Congratulations indeed, Burt!” I exclaimed jovially, moving next to Stella and clapping her on the shoulder. “This one’s a real handful, but I’m sure she’ll make an excellent wife. Let’s toast!”

I raised my glass, and the others gradually joined me. 

“To Burt, Allison, and Stella!” I announced. “I wish you all the peace and tranquility in the world! You all truly deserve each other!”

When the clinks were all clanked, we downed our drinks and I went to fetch another round.

Surely that can’t be the only reason Burt went for this arrangement?!

Probably not, but the thought was absolutely scintillating.

All I knew was, the more cheerful I acted, the more confused and put-off Burt became.

So naturally - this was about to be the most joyful celebration of my life.

And all the while, the doubt slowly started to creep into Burt’s demeanor.

No big deal, Burt! Just a lifelong commitment to a girl who’s a decade older than you mentally, and who you’ve only known for a year!

Allison’s face was smiling, but her eyes weren’t. She’d had her whole future planned out - a quiet life out in the countryside with the man of her dreams… and hey, her dream was basically coming true! She just wouldn’t have quite as much dedication and affection as she was anticipating. But that won’t be a problem… right?

I was having a hard time keeping a straight face myself. I had to bite my lip occasionally to stop myself from doubling over.

Stop! If you laugh they might catch on!

My smile broadened as we brought our glasses together for another toast.

Multiple partners… wonder who taught him that?

---

 

Owen distractedly moved the bishop across the board in front of my king.

I surveyed my position… or at least, what remained of it. My pawn ranks were decimated. My knights had ridden their horses straight into the graveyard. My brave Champion had breathed her last.

“That’s mate.” I said, nodding at Owen.

“Mate? Oh… at last.” Owen mumbled in a daze, then breathed in a great, shuddering sigh.

“You don’t have to hide your enthusiasm.” I deadpanned, propping my head with one arm. I stared at him questioningly as he looked down at the board, lost to the world.

“I’m glad I ran into you one more time.” I continued. “I was afraid we wouldn’t get to play any more games before graduation.”

Owen didn’t move. His shoulders were slumped, his head bent forward. He’d been letting his hair go a bit, and it now hung down to about his shoulders, forming a curtain in front of his face.

“Want me to tell you why?” I asked him.

He looked up at me immediately, his face emerging from the foliage.

“I think I know why.” he said.

“No, you don’t.”

“How do you know that?” he frowned.

“If you knew which way was up, you wouldn’t be in this situation. You had a problem, you failed to solve it, and you have a theory about how you could have solved it if you could do it all again. A theory. That’s all you’ve got. But go ahead, tell me this theory. I want to know.”

“It’s obvious what I should have done.” Owen said, in the plaintive tone of a person confessing their sins. “I should have gathered my courage and told her how I felt. It’s what you tried to tell me back in Apis. So I already know what your advice is.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Alright then, what am I missing?” Owen snapped.

“Context. You probably had this little voice in your head, screaming at you to not ask her out, right?” I asked.

“...something like that.”

“Well Owen, your instincts were correct. Propositioning your friend’s girlfriend would not have been the thing to do.”

“Then what else could I do?!?”

I hesitated. This was some real black-arts pimp revelation shit I was about to reveal. But Owen had just played a damn fine game of chess, so I decided to shoot.

“To seduce a taken woman, particularly if you’re friends with her partner, there’s a delicate process that you have to follow.”

“I wasn’t-”

“Yeah, you were. I mean, you didn’t do anything effective enough to be called seduction, but what you wanted was to say the right things and act in the right way to cause her to have romantic feelings for you. And what do we call that?”

“Seduction?” Owen asked, clearly intimidated by the word. Normal, for a kid his age.

“Yup. Anyway, the process. You can’t just ask your friend’s girlfriend out. You need to seduce her first. It needs to be a sure thing by the time any kind of escalation occurs.”

“Escalation?”

“You know - heavy flirting. Playing with her hair. Slapping her ass and ordering her into your bedchamber for mandatory private counseling.”

“Wha—?!?”

“That’s just how it is.” I shrugged.

“I-I don’t know if I’m ready for all that.” Owen admitted.

“That’s fine. You’re young. You haven’t really established yourself yet. Just, know that the reason Allison was never attracted to you was that you never displayed that kind of intent.”

“You told me not to ask her out though!”

“Indirect intent. Innuendo. Jokes. Lewd commentary about other girls. Nothing directed at Allison, just conversations that make it explicit that you’re a sexual being yourself. I saw you talking with her. She probably thinks you’re like one of those big, stuffed teddy bears that you can hug and cry into and feel better afterwards. Not a man - just a mere eunuch.”

Owen flinched.

“Even if you’d done all that, it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. Burt’s a tough mark, and Allison’s really into him - that’s why she settled for half of the attention and devotion that she would’ve gotten as his only wife.”

“So, your advice is all worthless then.”

I snorted.

“Apparently half of Burt is more of a man to her than you are. How does that feel?”

“I just… I don’t get it! What’s so appealing about Burt anyway?” Owen cried. “Allison told me all about how he cheated on her this year, so why is she still with him?!?”

“When you go to buy a sword, do you go to the blacksmith with tons of satisfied customers, or the one with no customers?”

“That’s- that’s… not right.”

“Also, Burt’s tall and strong. And you’re not. You should lift weights.”

“That’ll make me taller?”

“It’ll make you more appealing than you are right now. Oh! Scratch that, I have a solution for you, and it doesn’t require any physical training.”

“What’s that?”

I paused for dramatic effect.

“Forget Allison. We could go out and find some hideous fat chick that’ll fuck you tonight. I’m thinking of one right now… what was her name… Ursula? Echidna? Something like that. She had these nice, pretty blue eyes. So your kids will be ugly and fat as fuck, but they’ll have pretty blue eyes. Do you want that?”

“Hell no!” Owen recoiled.

“Good! You’re still sane. Meet me under the church some time, I’ll show you the way. You’ve got a long road ahead of you. See, when I was your age, I used to hate myself. I looked around at all the other kids my age, and I saw an equal number of guys and girls. I assumed that the girls would evenly pair off with the guys, and everyone would get a partner. But then, for some reason, none of the girls wanted to partner with me. So I paid more attention to what all these girls were doing, and I found that they were all dating guys several years older than me! What the fuck?!

The bitter truth is: the Game is rigged. It’s an orgy at the top and scraps on the bottom. Sounds harsh, but once I learned that and accepted it, I stopped hating myself. I hope you do too.”

Owen stared at me blankly, wondering how much of my rant he should take seriously. That’s fine. There was just one more point I wanted to drive home though, while he was still willing to listen to me.

“But really - Forget Allison. She belongs to Burt, mentally and physically. And she always will, regardless of how much he uses her and abuses her - and he will. Burt was made to slay dragons and conquer countries. And if all you put in front of him is a couple of women, he’ll conquer them instead. And you should ignore it because it’s not your fucking problem. Her shit choice in a life partner is her own goddamn problem - it’s a woman problem, really, they’re all like that. They just-”

Owen abruptly stood up.

Fuck, I did it again, didn’t I…

“I don’t know why I expected you to have any answers.” he said bitterly, and walked out.

I got a feeling he wouldn't be coming to Church any time soon.