Sometimes on dating apps, one of the question prompts is: "If you had a superpower, what would it be?" I thought it was just an innocent question until I started to really think about it. Like, what if a guy chose invisibility? What would that say about him? That he wants to strip naked and camp out in girls' locker rooms? That's probably the most innocent thing I can think of.

Teleportation... now we're talking. That lets the ladies know that you love to travel. It would also save tons of time getting around town, and you can even make Olympic sprinters question their self-worth. Personally, my choice would be to not need sleep. Sure, it's not very flashy, but having eight hours of blissful procrastination every day would change the whole damn game.

I don't know when it got popular, but it seemed like, all at once, lots of self-help gurus started telling people to sleep less. Wake up at 3am and lift bro, pain is weakness leaving the body bro, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger bro.

"If you sleep more than six hours, you're just being lazy." - some fucking idiot

Fuck that noise. If you want to find out how much sleep is good, listen to your body, because everyone is different. If you're tired all the time, it might be time to change something up. There are people out there with an extremely rare genetic trait that allows them to function normally on a couple hours of sleep every night. That's gotta be up there with photographic memory as one of the most useful genes to have, so good for them. But if you aren't like them, don't try to be. If you don't get a proper amount of sleep, your muscles deteriorate, your mind unravels, and...

"Hey."

I was being shaken.

Who doth disturb my slumber?

"Hey. You alright?"

Well... I guess my slumber was already disturbing enough...

I opened my eyes. My mind was still reeling from the twisted dreams, so it took me a few seconds to fully process what was sitting in front of me: something even more incomprehensibly mind-blowing than the repressed memories I'd just witnessed.

A girl was touching me.

Alright, but seriously. It wasn't that she was touching me; what amazed me was her appearance.

She was gorgeous.

Okay, okay, fine, that still wasn't it. She was cute, albeit slightly malnourished like me. About fifteen from the looks of it, dressed in a few scraps of rags. Just a normal teenage girl... if you ignored the top of her head. Royal blue hair cascaded down to her shoulders, with crackling yellow streaks. Small, goat-like horns curved from her skull.

No fucking way...

I jolted upright and looked around. Sure enough, my dog was nowhere to be seen.

Fucking way, then.

How the fuck did this happen? Immediately, my mind conjured up one of those shitty standardized test questions to reflect the situation:

 Where in the god damn hell did this girl come from?

  I. She is a wandering demon who ate my dog to gain its powers.

  II. She is a new form that my dog gained when it ate the mushrooms.

  III. She is a highly toxic creature using aposematism to convey that she is a feminist.

  VI. None of the Above

  V. II and III

I used to have nightmares about these questions where they would just go on forever...

  ...

  IX. I, II, III, and VIII.

  X. IX and V, except for II.

  XI. All the above.

  XII. XII minus IX, plus two times VI.

  ...

Ugh...

"Were you also at the festival?" the girl asked, breaking my trance.

I paused, unsure what to make of the girl's question. "What... festival?"

"Neon Evangel, the EDM festival. I was there with some of my friends when I saw this glowing doorway thing. I thought it was part of the lightwork, so I stepped into it and... now I'm... here."

I grinned. "Looks like you got tricked."

"Didn't you get tricked as well?"

I shook my head. "I wasn't at that festival."

She blinked, surprised. "Then what's with the slave shackles?"

I blushed. "I... don't know. Woke up like this. I'm sure nothing bad happened though... r-right?"

"Yeah... ... so where are we anyway?" she asked worriedly.

I looked at the sky. The sun had just risen, but you could still see the outline of the gigamoon. I pointed at it. "Not Kansas."

She gazed at the moon with an expression of utter panic. "Oh my god... we're not on Earth... but you... are you also from America?"

"California," I nodded, glancing again at the pointy ends of her horns. "You're pretty sharp."

I hyuk'ed and slapped my knee. Mentally.

"Where are you from?" I continued.

"Texas... Houston." she responded. "Who are you?"

Out of habit, I began to chant the usual hymn: "Hi, my name is Bradley Razzetti, and I am required by federal law to inform you that I am a registered sex-"

F U C K

I was able to stop myself at the last second before the nukes were launched. But now I had to somehow escape from the absolute fucking sentence that I'd trapped myself in.

"-god." I finished clumsily.

Nailed it!

"Oh... ha... funny."

I quickly continued: "You can call me Brad, though. I'm a 31 year-old software project manager. I just woke up a day ago, so... I'm almost as confused as you are."

"You're 31?"

"Yeah, doesn't look like it though, huh?"

"No, you look way younger..." her eyes widened. "Do I look different?" she wondered out loud.

I took yet another look at her pointy bits.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh...."

She took off towards the lake, and I followed. As I approached her, she slowly reached up, touched her horns, and gave them an experimental tug. A look of horror spread across her face.

"AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGHHHH" she shrieked, with the same ridiculous firepower as the dog from yesterday. Shock ripples formed on the surface of the lake; I was blown back slightly and cowered, clutching my poor, aching ears.

"Careful where you point that thing." I said, wincing.

"They're stuck. Take them OFF!" she shouted, yanking on the horns and sending out another shockwave.

I stepped in front of her, gently grabbed her wrists, and lowered them from her horns. "Hey... hey... it's okay." Then I pulled her into a hug.

I shouldn't put up with this spaz, but who knows how many people from Earth are around. Nothing's changed from yesterday. I still need an ally.

"I actually think you look pretty good... and I don't know how much anime you watch, but a lot of guys like the demon-girl look." I said soothingly.

She sobbed for a second, then collected herself. "You think I look good?"

"Yeah."

"Pedo."

"Now, wait a second! Technically, that would make me an ephebophile." I countered, empowered by the authority of facts and logic.

She grimaced. "Where'd you learn that word?"

"Dunno, my uncle-"

"-I didn't actually want to know."

"Oh... yeah. So, what's your name?"

She wiped a tear from her face. "I'm Stella."

"Nice, I used to date a girl named Stella."

"Really."

"Yup. Stella Artois. She could be cold sometimes, ice cold, but that's just how I liked her. How old are you, Stella?"

For the first time, a small smile appeared on Stella's face. "I'm 27. Or, at least, was 27."

Then the smile disappeared. "I was really scared when I woke up. I wasn't wearing anything, and there was a strange guy next to me... What were you doing here?"

A pit formed in my stomach. Of course she would be suspicious of me.

"Well... this is gonna be hard to believe, but... until this morning... you were a dog."

"Uh.... what?"

I explained to her how I discovered the dog-like creature at the impact site of a meteor, how it had followed me through the forest before we were both knocked unconscious by the orange fluorescent mushrooms.

"Mushrooms, huh?"

"Yeah. The dog could also produce shock waves with its bark. Pretty impressive."

She nodded. "Yeah, that felt... different. Somehow, your story almost makes sense. And you definitely didn't... try anything?"

"Definitely not. This is my first time even seeing you. But I'll understand if you don't just trust me immediately. I do look pretty... uh..." I trailed off, tugging at my chastity belt.

"Yes... you do."

Then an idea hit me. "Check this out," I began, finding the sack, which had huge pieces torn off.

So that's where she got the rags...

I took out the key and showed it to her. "I used this to escape a harness in the cave. But look..."

I held my breath and attempted to open the chastity belt again. Still no dice, which was expected, but still very disappointing.

"See? So the odds that I... you know... is pretty unlikely."

"Oh wow, that's pretty awful. How do you use the bathroom?"

"Actually, I'm doing it right now." I said as glorious relief flooded through me. Once again, nothing leaked out, or even felt damp.

She shrank back in disgust. "Ewwwww..."

"Now aren't you glad that all you got was horns?"

"Yeah... fair... Wash your hands, okay?"

I shrugged and complied. When I returned from the lake, Stella seemed much more relaxed.

"So, what happens now?"

"Well," I began uncertainly, "I just found this road. I figure if we follow it, we'll somehow end up back in civilization. Then... I don't know, we'll just have to see what the people here are like. They could be normal-looking humans, tentacled monsters, or ex-dogs like you."

"Don't call me that." she snapped. "And what happens when we run out of food? There's not much bread left."

I paused to consider. "We can play rock paper scissors. Winner gets to eat the loser." I searched through the sack, counting the rations...

"Stella, where is the dagger?"

Stella opened one of her palms and showed it to me. "I'd like to hold onto it for now... just in case I'm the loser."

Jesus Christ, this chick could have fucking murdered me in my sleep. Shit, if I was her I might have done it, too... should I even be alive right now?

"That's fine... thank you for not gutting me with it."

"Don't thank me yet."

"Y-yeah."

Normally I wouldn't be afraid of girls. My old body packed enough poundage to fuck up any fugly that wanted to brawl. Not that I'd ever do that, even if the woman desperately needed it. And they say chivalry is dead. Sadly, I could tell that my new body was no match for my old one. Between that and Stella's voice, I did not like my odds if things went south.

"Let's get going, then." I said, slinging the remains of the sack over my shoulder and started down the road in a random direction, hopefully giving the impression that I knew what I was doing. Stella nodded and followed.

Eventually, we hit pay dirt: two roads met at a T-intersection, accompanied by a signpost with distances. One of the arrows on the signpost pointed in the direction that we were coming from, labeled "Certain Death -- 3.2 mi".

"Lucky us." said Stella.

"Yeah, no kidding..."

The other two arrows were labelled "Apis -- 11.5 mi" and "Castella -- 217.3 mi"

"You think the 'mi' is the same as a mile?" asked Stella.

"Well... the sign's written in English, so hey, maybe. Regardless, I'm thinking Apis is the way to go."

I looked up at the sun.

Still morning.

I looked back at Stella. "Hope you're ready for this, we've got a long walk ahead of us."

She nodded, and we set off.