There's a classic dating app bio question that goes like this - what three things would you take with you to a deserted island? Usually, people ask for a way off the island, and then two luxury items, like jet skis or a yacht.

Most people wouldn't wish for rats, rats, and more rats.

But what if they did? What would happen next?

Evolutionary biologists call it island gigantism. Over successive generations, the rats would get huge - way bigger than the pathetic ratlets on the mainland. Because on the mainland, the swole, joocy rats get preyed upon by cats, dogs, and really desperate humans. On the island, the only threat is another rat. And the way to beat that rat is to be the bigger rat.

What is an island? Is it a rock covered in palm trees, surrounded by the ocean? Or is it a zone in which a threat disappears, or a resource appears, to allow the species to claim a new ecological niche?

Zoom out to the last five hundred years, and humanity's population growth looks exponential. I don't care why. What matters is that something happened since Da Vinci sketched the Vitruvian man that caused the entire earth to become the isle of man.

You may not want to hear this... but if a girl tells you she doesn't care about a guy's height, she's lying through her god damn teeth. Every girl wants a bigger rat.

They barely even want humans anymore. The average dildo in America is 7.5" long. Let that sink in. But not too deep. If your mind prolapses now, I can't keep fucking it with my word penises.

Anyhoo...

I woke up the next morning to the ringing of a bell - the villagers assembled in the center of camp to receive their assignments. While the knuckle draggers were busy applying dirt to their brows yesterday, John and a few master bee slayers had scouted the edges of the forest, noting concentrations of nests and estimating how long the job would take.

"We're in for a rough one this year." John began, "But we already knew that didn't we? Lots of rain means lots of hydracinths means lots of Black Jackets. Fortunately, we prepared for this, and were able to purchase five extra sets of chain mail this year. Should take seven to ten days to get them all mopped up. It's also fairly warm for this time of year, so not all of the hydracinths have withered up. Stay on your toes, the worker bees can be active during the day if the hive hasn't stored up enough honey for the winter."

Next, the villagers divided into groups. The "strike" groups consisted of two "smokers" and two "fighters". The smokers were in charge of gathering wood and setting fires to fill the nests with smoke, weakening the bees inside. Then the fighters would engage, carving off chunks of nest until all the bees were dead. Naturally, the bees would retaliate - nobody wants their home to get steamrolled - but they wouldn't do much damage. The fighters were all equipped with a special kind of chainmail with links small enough to protect against stingers. Well... almost all the fighters.

"Let's kick some ass!" shouted an aggressively shirtless Zerch as he waved a pike in the air. One of his party members had drawn a large blue flower on his chest.

Well, that's one way to get their attention...

The less-experienced villagers formed "scavenger" groups that would pile the delicious honeycomb and less-delicious dead bees into carts. Under the supervision of Mr. Briswell and a cadre of elderly villagers, those carts would be running nonstop: leaving with the spoils of war and returning with food for the army.

As the single least-experienced person in attendance, I turned towards the groups of scavengers, looking for my forever home.

One of the groups had Owen as a member.

NOPE

The next group had Clayton.

NOPE

The third group had Allison and Stella.

DOUBLE NOPE

Finally, I saw a group with only two members: a middle-aged man and... uh...

A humanoid lizard-person! Fuck yeah!

I teleported on over and introduced myself.

"Hey there, you guys mind if I join your group?" I asked, barely containing my juvenile sense of wonder.

The man smiled. "Sure. Hope you don't mind doing all the work."

"That's what children are for."

The lizard guy made a hissing noise that I guessed was a chuckle.

"I suppose you're the Calderan who recently joined us?" he asked.

As he spoke, I couldn't help but notice a very slight lisp.

If he was human, I wouldn't have noticed it at all...

Is that racist?

The man waved his hand in my face, and I realized that I'd just stood there like a dumbass. "First time meeting a reptilian?" he grinned.

"U-uh... yeah."

"Name's Balthazar. Nice to eat you."

"Uhhh..."

"Hmm?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Nice to eat me?"

"No! I said nice to meet you."

"Oh." I flushed red. "Sorry."

Balthazar hissed again. "Don't mention it. A million years of mutual predation certainly leaves an impression. Even the native Alterran primates usually steer clear of my kind."

"To be fair, your kind are called 'Gravedigger Lizards'. That's pretty foreboding." The middle-aged man interjected. Then he turned to me. "It's nice to meet you, kid. My name's Yurk."

"Yurk?"

"Yurk. E-U-R-I-C. Yurk."

"Ohhhh, Euric."

"Yeah, that's right. Yurk."

"Nice to meet you too, Euric. I'm Bradley, I guess you guys call me a Calderan."

Euric whistled and turned back to Balthazar. "Hear that, Bart? This one's the Calderan. With you two in the same group... no wonder we're the odd ones out."

Odd ones out?

I looked around, and sure enough - every other group of scavengers had four members.

"What's wrong with being a Calderan?"

"Nothing, in my experience. But there are superstitions. Like, since Craterans fall from the sky, they must come from heaven. And since Calderans emerge from the ground... well... you get the jist."

"Shit."

"Most people in this country don't care, though. They care more about who you are then where you came from. It’s just that… if they had to choose between hosting a Crateran and a Calderan then -"

"Alright, I get it!" I said, cutting him off. "Let's go lug some dead bees already."

---

 

So that's what happened. We lugged and we hucked, we hucked and we lugged. The nests were taller than I was, and each one could contain up to a hundred of the most terrifying bugs I'd ever seen. The Apis Black Jacket was pure black, as large as my fucking torso, with freakishly large opalescent eyes and stingers that I could pick my teeth with... if I wanted to. Which I didn't.

I could see why the king wanted them all dead.

Because of how potent the bees' venom was, the strike groups did a thorough job making sure they were all completely exterminated before we got the go-ahead to move in. We started the work by moving the John Does into carts. Guess the village uses them as fertilizer or something? After a quick dip in the lake to clean off the viscera, we went back in to collect honey. Usually by then, the strike team we were trailing had polished off another nest, so it was on to the next one.

Rinse, repeat, and before long the sun was starting to set.

"All in a day's work." said Euric.

We were hanging out next to a steamy natural hot spring. The vibrant, rainbow-hued water was too hot for me and Euric, but Balthazar hopped right in. At Euric's request, I soaked a towel and put it on his back.

"Thanks kid, all that bending down and picking things up... I'm not a young man anymore. Good job today."

"Yeah, good job." agreed Balthazar. "You worked nonstop, didn't even take a bathroom break."

"Oh... yeah, guess not."

I was becoming less and less aware of my bowel movements with every passing day.

This chastity belt is spoiling me... If I ever get this thing off, I'll have to potty train myself all over again.

"Did you see that hydracinth back there?" Balthazar continued. "It didn't look shriveled yet."

"The one in the clearing? yeah, I did." said Euric.

We'd run into tons of hydracinths in the forest, but they were all shriveled up and dead. Except for one...

"What's the big deal?" I asked.

"Tell me something about your home world," said Euric, "Did they have any flying, colorful, bombs that could make pretty explosions in the sky?"

"Yeah, we called them fireworks."

"Good, so you'll understand. The hydracinths in this forest are bioluminescent - they make their own light! Not only that, but they also flash on and off in intricate patterns. It's incredible. Most people who have seen it would say it's better than fireworks."

I was floored. "That's... impressive. So that gigantic flower we saw is going to open up in a few hours and start directing traffic?"

"Yep. I'm too wiped out for it, but if some energetic youngster wanted check out the light show, all they'd have to do is slip out of camp after sundown." he said with a wink.

"I dunno... a rave sounds like fun, but I left my pacifier back on earth."

Euric chuckled. "You'll have to tell us more about your home some time, 'cause you're using a lot of strange words."

"I think I've heard of raves" Balthazar piped up, "It's one of those kooky religious festivals they do out by the southern coast... the Hypothalamites, I think."

Euric laughed out loud. "Sounds about right. Man, I missed the boat on joining one of those cults. I mean, the strict beliefs and hivemind bothered me... but they sure knew how to have fun. Lot of pretty girls."

"When one of your four deities is the Goddess of Fucking, you know you're gonna have a good time." Balthazar grinned.

I looked up at the sky, orange in the sunset, streaked with smoking trails as always.

More gibberish words... this planet needs a search engine.

Wonder if I could rustle up some venture capital in Castella?

---

 

Shortly after another communal dinner, when the groups of people had dispersed back to their tents, I made my move.

The sun was completely down, but the moon was flying at half-mast - good as any full moon on earth. I scurried out of camp and went back down the road to the edge of the forest where I'd started scavenging. I located the first wrecked nest that we'd looted and proceeded into the woods. Before long, I came to the clearing with the hill that the guys were talking about, and there, perched at the crest, was a massive flower. I could tell it was big when I'd glimpsed it during the day, but that was when all the petals were furled up. At night, it looked completely different. Fully extended, the ten petals were each longer than I was tall, and etched into each of them was a strange pattern of glowing blue lines, like baby's first hieroglyphs or nature's webdings. They seemed to move as I stared at them, mesmerized.

Optical illusion? No... pixels! Each cell is like its own little LED, and when you have billions of them..

If you'd told me that aliens were using this thing to attempt to communicate, I would have believed you.

"I AM THE LEADER OF ALTERRA. WE COME IN PEACE." I said aloud, just in case. Might have saved the world there, who knows.

The Apis Black Jackets might be the nastiest motherfuckers I've ever laid eyes on, but they're doing god's work pollinating these things.

The lines moved reactively to my touch, or just moved on their own, flashing on and off, sometimes blinking, swirling, or -

*snap*

I whirled around. Burt, Clayton, and Owen were walking up the hill towards me. Clayton carried a dark bundle in his arms. If we were on earth, I'd say he was packing heat.

My pulse quickened.

"You here for the light show?" I asked, trying to hide my nerves.

"Nah, we've already seen it." said Burt. "Actually, we're here to talk to you. Away from all the others, so we can say what's on our minds."

I gulped. "Sure, what can I do for you?"

"See... the craziest thing happened a couple nights ago. You know, at the Shaman Feast. Your friend Stella was showing me her place, telling me about whatever shithole you two came from, when she started... coming on to me. She's a pretty girl, and I'm a weak man, so I gave it right back." he said, grinning for a second, before the grin faded. "But before we could go too far, Allison showed up, and she was pissed. She said you'd told her where we were."

So my bullshit rambling was... spot on?

"She asked where you'd gone, and I told her." I said defensively.

"She didn't ask anything. You told her where we'd gone, and what we were up to. And you know what? You were right! Well done. You're a fucking psychic. But here's something you didn't see coming. C'mon boys, let's give this superpowered Esper his reward for being such a fucking genius."

RUN!

I tried - but Burt grabbed me and shoved me to the ground. He held my arms, then Owen grabbed my legs. Finally, Clayton stepped forward, an unnerving smile playing across his face. He raised the bundle, and I could see in the moonlight that it was...

A dead bee?

No way... they're not seriously going to...

Clayton knelt down over me and lifted my shirt.

"GET OFF!" I screamed. "GET -" but I was cut short when Burt decked me in the face. Dazed, I could only watch in mute horror as Clayton pressed the stinger into my side and squeezed the bee's bloated abdomen like a giant ketchup packet.

I shrieked as a burning agony spread across my body, like I was being roasted from the inside out. It worked its way up my throat, then into my mouth, like I was vomiting Carolina Reapers. My eyes watered; I could barely sense what was happening around me. Nothing was real except pain.

"-- have you done?!?" Owen was saying, his voice oddly distant. "...just gonna scare him! Bail! Bail! If someone finds this we're dead!" He shook Burt, who looked just as shocked.

"Doesn't look like he's gonna make it... Let's get out of here." agreed Burt. Then he and Owen hurried off. Clayton stayed, still smiling that awful smile. I'd strangle him, but my arms wouldn't cooperate.

"Thank you Bradley, it's been a long time since I've killed. I was about to lose my composure." he said conversationally.

My vision started to grow fuzzy, blackness eating away at the corners of my vision. I could barely concentrate, yet I was completely transfixed as Clayton took something off one of his fingers. As he did, his face changed... his jaw unhinged and swung open to reveal multiple rows of smiling, razor-sharp teeth. His skin darkened, his skull reshaped itself to inhuman proportions, and the eyes...

OH MY GOD! THE EYES!