The phrase “cardio kills gainz” gets thrown around a lot in the weightlifting community, so I’d like to put this folk bro-wisdom to bed - by backing it up with solid theoretical physics. I’ve already mentioned the first law of thermodynamics. If you still don’t know what it is, then pick up a textbook and crack yourself over the head with it until the knowledge sinks in. Pain is just ignorance leaving the body.

Resistance training doesn’t really burn a lot of calories - roughly 250 an hour if you’re built like big boi. Cardio, on the other hand, burns more than double that, and the people who are really serious about cardio do it for multiple hours a day. Those crazy motherfuckers start twitching uncontrollably if they don’t get their daily run in - they get restless leg syndrome and can’t fall asleep. Kinda like how I couldn’t fall asleep without seeing ten naked chicks. Call it restless dick syndrome.

Now, if you’re the kind of person who sweats margarine and requires half a tube of anal lube to squelch through a doorway, then cardio might just be the right thing for you. However if you’re like me, burning that many calories running every day makes it that much harder to hit the calorie surplus you’ll need in order to grow. That’s why I avoided it like the plague. Well, I also just hated it. Running is just strangling yourself in slow motion, and after decades of incessant pounding, your reward for being such an upstanding, health-conscious individual is early-onset arthritis. But at least you’ll be alive until 130 years old to enjoy all that crippling joint pain, r-right? Fuck your dead wife for me, ‘kay buddy?

Swimming is definitely a step up from running, but it always felt a little too close to waterboarding for my taste. I guess if I had to choose, I’d rather swim than drown, though. After all, that’s why the entire adventuring class had gathered at the foot of the waterfall.

The loud rumble of the cascading water drowned out most of what Ms. Brooks said, but I’d gotten the gist of it - in order to graduate, we had to prove that we could both tread water and swim across the large pool of water that had formed around the base of the cliffs. So that’s what we did. It was a bit harder for me than the other students because of my goddamn training weights, but I managed. By the time I’d finished treading water and climbed out, I was breathing heavily - and just in time to watch Sylvana adjust her school-issued swimsuit, which was skimpier than it had any right to be in a God-fearing medieval town.

“I hope it doesn’t hurt down there, with your weird belt.” she commented slyly.

“No, no it does not.” I hastily lied. Sure, I was in a bit of pain… but the last thing I wanted to do was give this chick more ideas for how to hurt me.

“Even if I do this?” she asked, slipping a sleeve of her swimsuit over one shoulder.

“Sorry, that’s not how it works.” I grunted through gritted teeth, trying desperately to ignore the electric storm that had descended upon my lower pelvic region.

“Awww, that’s too bad… I thought you were attracted to me.”

“It’s actually your gentle, nurturing personality that I find so magnetic.” I said, effortlessly dispatching her shit test. I paired these delicious words with a shy, reserved smile, and as a cherry on top, I even reached out and grabbed her hands.

Sylvana was not impressed.

“So you think I’m ugly, then?” she asked teasingly, raising an eyebrow. “Or maybe there’s some other girl you like looking at even more, like that Stella girl?”

“You’re the prettiest pink-haired elf I’ve ever seen.” I reassured her. 

“...named Sylvana.” I quickly amended.

Sylvana rolled her eyes and pouted, but I wasn’t going to capitulate - if I broke down and started simping out, she’d dump my ass. Even though, on the inside, I did kinda want to tell her how good she looked. The problem was, I still wasn’t sure what my intentions were with her.

“What are you going to do after you graduate?” I asked.

“Dunno.” she shrugged. “I might set up in a nearby village and do some healing work for cheap. Just enough to make rent while I finish reading everything this library has about magic.”

“And you don’t want to leave Castella until you’re done with that?”

“Yup, that’s right.”

My stomach dropped. I mean, I wasn’t planning on leaving Castella immediately either, but I could sense that Sylvana had her own goals to pursue, and that sooner or later, our paths would diverge.

It brought back more bad memories from Earth. Childhood friendships, carefully cultivated from elementary to high school, only to be scattered to the winds when everyone graduated. College friendships, loosely cobbled together as pale imitations of what had come before, only to be blown away yet again when it was time to find employment. Family members, friends, acquaintances… all replaced by text bubbles. Eventually, I stopped trying to even meet people, succumbing to the lifestyle of the digital hermit crab.

I thought I’d escaped that shit for good, but I guess I was wrong.

There is no escape… not as long as I’m locked in these damn things.

“What are you researching, anyway?” I asked.

“I already told you.” Sylvana said. “I’m looking for a way to turn men from pigs back into humans.”

Oh my god, she was being serious.

“You still think I’m a pig?”

“You’re alright, as long as you’re wearing your muzzle.” she responded, tugging at the metal contraption hiding under my swimming trunks.

What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

“Thanks, I guess.” I eventually muttered.

If that was a shit test as well, then I just failed.

Despite all that, there was one very good reason to keep nurturing… whatever this thing was with Sylvana for as long as I could.

Watching Burt steal furtive glances at Sylvana during the lesson had been a highlight of my life.

When the last of the students had made it back to the bank of the pool, Ms. Brooks had some final announcements for us.

“Good work today, class! And congratulations - almost all of you managed to pass the test on your first try!”

About ten feet behind her, a waterlogged Spud and Beck sputtered breathlessly on the ground.

“I’m sure many of you have heard already, but it’s time to make the official announcement: At the summer solstice, the Coliseum will host a grand combat tournament involving students from the military class and students from the adventuring class! We’re looking for volunteers to represent the adventuring classes - 64, to be precise. If there aren’t enough volunteers, then participants will be volun-told… not that that’s going to happen, because I’m sure you’re all itching to prove yourselves in front of the King!”

A few students whooped at that.

In front of the King…

I had no chance in hell of winning, but I’d do just about anything to put myself in front of his highness. So when Ms. Brooks asked for volunteers to raise their hands, I put mine up as well.

“Very good! Burt… you can put your hand down… Clayton… you too…” she began, writing down their names. As she went, I noticed a pattern - she was starting with the stronger students first, then gradually working her way down to the weaklings.

“Thanks everyone! That’s all the names we need.” she finished, even though a few hands were still raised.

And unfortunately, mine was one of them.

Brutal… so I’m not even the 64th strongest adventurer this year!?

“Oh, and one last thing!” Ms. Brooks announced, raising her voice a bit to be sure we could all hear. “For those of you who will be going back to the killing field soon… if you’ve slain your first monster, you are now permitted to enter the caves. But if you do so, stay close to the surface. If you go deep enough underground to find the ruined passages, turn back immediately. Nobody can save you if you run into a shackled beast.”

Shackled… What now?

A couple of students glanced at me, which I thought was completely uncalled for.

Didn’t we just prove how pathetic and harmless I am?

And on that cheerful note, the class was dismissed.

---

 

“I should’ve known the gymcel would have a thing for elves.” Stella ribbed, elbowing me playfully in the side. “Did you have a figurine collection as well?”

She’d followed me straight to the torture chamber after class, which was a surprise, because she hadn’t shown up ever since casting her first spell without the knife.

Guess she wants the dirty details, huh? That’s fine… we can have a little hostage exchange of information.

“No, I was never that far gone.” I responded, picking up the knife and forming a warmup set of ice missiles. “The worst thing I ever bought was a subscription to adult friend finder.”

“Did you… make any friends?” Stella asked, cringing.

“Nah, but some of the scammers were pretty funny.” I answered sadly (but accurately).

“Awww, that’s too bad.” Stella commiserated, not in the least bit convincingly. “I gotta say though, I’m surprised you pulled a cutie like her. I figured that a nice girl like Ursa would be more in your league.”

“I wouldn’t fuck that girl with a ten-foot dick.” I said, shuddering like I’d been touched by death.

“You’re disgusting.”

“You’re worse.”

“Gymcel.”

“Ice Queen.”

It’s adorable, the games we play.

I finished a few more sets with the knife, then confirmed that I was still unable to cast magic without it, looking over enviously at the increasingly large bits of ice that she was able to produce all on her own.

The hell?! She’s almost as good at it as Maggie was!

“Hey Stella.” I said darkly. I was trying to keep the tension out of my voice, but I guess it wasn’t working. “I heard you say that you used magic against the primantipede, is that right?”

“Yeah, I sure did!” she answered proudly. “That’s why they made me the striker!”

“Why did you do that?” I asked angrily. “If people find out that we’ve been keeping this knife from the King, we’re gonna be in serious trouble! They’ll lock us up, and I’ll never get these damn things off! What were you thinking?!”

“Well, first off, I didn’t use ice magic.” Stella countered. “I would obviously never use that where anyone could see me - including Burt and Clayton! I know how important that is to both of us! I’m not an idiot!”

“Wait… but if you didn’t use ice magic.. Then what did you use?”

“My voice, asshole!”

Oh shit…

Stella turned away from me and, with one quick bark, sent a shock wave crashing painfully through the chamber.

“AAH!” I cowered, clamping my ears with my hands.

“Remember Pugiliph? The archbishop of the cathedral? Turns out we’re the same species, and he’s trained me on how to use sonic magic! Mine is explosive-type, so I’m not good for much besides combat, but it was super useful when our group was facing that big hairy thing.”

“What… species are you, exactly?” I asked, stunned that the question had never occurred to me before.

“We’re called Floki. There aren’t many of us, but it’s not so bad because we’re one of the species that are close enough to cross with humans.”

I gulped, my mind suddenly lit up with a horrible question that I couldn’t bring myself to ask Stella.

If a weird… “Floki” thing can breed with humans, then surely elves can too… right?

“So now that that’s cleared up, are you ready to apologize for doubting me?” Stella demanded, hands on her hips.

I should have done just that. In retrospect, it was a huge mistake to sulkily switch over to lifting weights while she stood there, waiting patiently.

Eventually, she got the message, and stormed out without another word, just about knocking the heavy door off its hinges as she went.

How is she so damn strong?!

I’m the MAN here!... So why isn’t this extra training helping?!

Don’t tell me… I’m one of those low-test beta bitches?!

…

Not even 64th?!?!?!?!?

That was the last time Stella and I ever trained together underneath the church.

I could never please that cunt.