I brought the glass up to my mouth and downed it in one quick gulp. The taste of raw iron rushed through my mouth as the blood of my enemy drained down my throat, my strength becoming the beast's, and its strength becoming mine. At least, that's what the adventurers claimed. True or not, I wasn't going to turn down the chance to pack on some superstitious karma gainz.

"Is the vintage to your liking?" Jerith asked with a grin.

"It's like... licking a barbell." I eventually decided.

Don't ask me how I know that.

We were hanging out in the Adventurer's Guild lobby, sitting at that elevated table in front of the bar, surrounded by a familiar scene of revelry. Grog was being meted out like it was drinksmas - and my boy Regnus was picking up the tab. The head of the Duodon was mounted above the entrance, its shark-toothed mouth propped open in a gaping snarl. It was the only part of the monster that would fit in the building.

Did I mention that this party was for us?

"Here, let me give you something a bit better." Jerith said, pouring out a round of his trademark red wine for everyone at our table. We were accompanied at the elevated table by a couple of the SUBAS team's best wheel-turners, while the rest of the group made do with the surrounding booths.

I sniffed the drink carefully, allowing each nostril to indulge in the aroma separately.

"Fun fact: your nose is always partially congested so that air always rushes into your nose holes at different speeds." I said.

"Uhhh... what? Why?" one of the guys we were sitting with asked, holding a hand in front of his nose and huffing a few times to confirm it.

"Why do you think?" I challenged.

"Because it’s crooked?"

"Nope! The congested side actually changes sides every few hours."

The guy's eyebrows scrunched in surprise, and he huffed into his hand again.

"Does it help keep the nose from drying out?" Jerith suggested.

"Nice! You're half right - dryness is one reason. The other is that some scents are easier to pick up through slower moving air. So in order to truly appreciate this glass of wine, one must engage both halves of the nasal orifice!" I said, sticking my nose in the glass and taking a massive rip.

I was a few drinks in already, if you couldn't already tell. And in other news, I've spent waaaaay to much of my life on the fucking internet.

But the advantage of being an information addict is that I have a very refined palate.

At a single whiff, I could tell that the beverage in front of me contained alcohol.

"Tuscany? No... Merlot." I bullshat.

"Your knowledge of drink is stupefying.” Jerith said.

"It's a gift." I enunciated, inspecting my fingernails. Then, unable to deny my stomach the presence of wine any more, I took a hefty drink from the glass. Everyone else at the guild was making do with piss beer, yet here I was, at the center of it all, quaffing the good shit.

What a flex…

As was custom, our table was served cuts of Duodon meat - they’d slow cooked the crap out of it all day, but it was still basically a chew toy for adults.

Whatever, everyone knows that chicks mire jaw gainz.

We did what we could, but we only made it halfway through the heaping platters of meat before we were full, dazed and digesting. The monster had finally defeated us.

“Behold!” Jerith said, standing to his feet. A giant apple pie was brought to our table, and Jerith’s eyes briefly turned into stars, gleaming with anticipation. We dug in, and my stomach discovered that it had a secret storage cellar for such special occasions.

“Ugh, that was awesome!” I said, gulping down the last of my pie and patting my distended stomach.

“It’s my favorite!” Jerith responded. “Though I usually only have it on my birthday.”

“I think you were born today! I think we were all born today!” I cheered, raising a glass of wine.

“He’s right!” one of our table-mates slurred. He downed the rest of his glass, but about half of it dribbled down his chin and onto his shirt, instantly staining it red.

“Oh, shit! You’ve been hurt!” our other table-mate exclaimed.

“It got me! I’ve been slain! Bradley… tell that blue-haired girl that I love her.” the guy pleaded.

“Tell her yourself.”

“Please! There isn’t much time! Oh God, I can see the tunnel! Tevveshian, take me home!”

I wasn’t scanning around for Stella by any means, but when the guy brought her up, I couldn’t help but notice her. I wish I hadn’t, but that’s the power of suggestion for you. The bitch in blue was giving my elvish princess a girl-hug from behind, while Burt stood in front of them saying something that I’m sure was extremely funny and extremely deprecating to my person.

Fine, do what you will! Sylvana is pure! She’ll withstand your advances! She hates your guts!

Sylvana giggled at something Burt said. 

Really? I refuse to believe that. She coughed. That was just a cough.

Stella pursed her lips and blew into Sylvana’s pointy ear.

“No, stop! You’re being so bad!” Sylvana said, giggling again. I couldn’t hear what she said, but that’s what my brain invented to fill the movements of her lips. Negative thoughts are bad for gainz, so I decided to put them on hold by pouring another glass of wine. The emotional hangover would be nasty, but that’d be a problem for tomorrow’s me. Sucker.

“C’mon Bradley! Tell her for me!” the guy ragged me.

“Are you still on that? Tell her yourself! Stella loves strong men who stand up for themselves. If you beat up that guy she’s talking to, she’ll fall for you for sure!”

The guy took one look at Burt and gave up his fantasy.

And that’s why you’ll never get the girl of your dreams. A real man would go over there and win her over.

Sylvana giggled again.

Is it time to start glargging?! I think so…

Finally, Sylvana bid her new friends adieu and came skipping over.

“Your breath stinks.” she said in greeting.

I beckoned her face close to mine and took a good sniff. I got a decent hit of that healing feeling in the process - it was getting easier and easier for me to detect it.

“Your breath smells fine, don’t be so hard on yourself.” I answered understandingly. I patted my lap, and obediently, she sat. Don’t ask me how the fuck I was hiding all my pent-up envy and bitterness, but it was working and I was going with it. I handed her my wine glass and she drank.

Then I noticed that the gentlemen sharing my table had ceased all communication, and were goggling at me with their mouths wide open.

“You guys have met Sylvana, right?” I said.

“Of course! You were at my party!” Jerith effused.

“Hi Jerith!” Sylvana waved with both hands. She was tipsy, I could tell by how eagerly she was shifting around in my lap. My gut must have learned ice magic, because a lump of something started forming.

Am I gonna have to make a move tonight?! My dick-ferrari is still in the chastity shop!

“Your boyfriend saved the day today, you should thank him.” Jerith said.

I groaned.

Boyfriend?! She’s gonna punch my god damn-

Sylvana planted a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

Good man, Jerith! Exemplary human being!

Across the room, Burt and Stella turned to leave the party. I don’t know if it had anything to do with me, but Burt seemed to be sulking. Stella caught my eye and winked. I say terrible (merited) things about that girl, but at least she’s a sport. A true gamer girl.

“Your boyfriend needs more thanking than that!” one of the guys butted in, grinning salaciously.

“I wish I could! But Bradley’s not physically up to the task.” she jeered, pointing at my crotch.

“I know a guy who can get you a potion for that.” the other guy informed me unhelpfully. 

There’s a reason I can’t remember either of these idiots’ names.

Where the fuck are Spud and Beck? I could use a more intelligent conversation.

“It’s okay Bradley!” the first idiot continued. “Jerith can get laid for both of you tonight!”

“Haha, yeah!!! I’m sure the gods will forgive him just once!” said the second.

Jerith took a thoughtful sip of wine. I’d expected him to fully refute their bullshit and say something about blah blah morals and shit… but he didn’t. And I realized that if I didn’t speak up now, I’d be committing a mortal sin against the bro code.

“Jerith, buddy…” I started, lowering my voice to get his attention. “Don’t do it.” I pleaded, shaking my head vigorously.

“Weren’t you the guy who told me how weird it was that I hadn’t?” Jerith asked pointedly.

“Yeah, but then I realized how beautiful the tradition was!”

“Bullshit.” Jerith countered.

“Bullshit.” I admitted.

“So then… why shouldn’t I?”

“Please Jerith…” I begged. “I almost broke my ankles jumping around on that sling today! You know what I’d sacrifice for you! I’m on your team! I don’t want to hurt you!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Jerith asked again, impatiently.

“Because if you do, you’ll never know the truth!” I said. I knew what I was trying to say, the but the drinks were making it come out all fucked-up. “I don’t know if it’s going to be today, or tomorrow… or whenever… but one of these days, your fiancee is going to jump you. She’s gonna want it bad, and she won’t take no for an answer. But that’s exactly what you have to tell her! No! Otherwise - you lose!”

“Lose what?”

“Your virginity!” I said cryptically, wiggling my fingers forebodingly.

“That’s the point!”

“And your life! And your pride as a man! And your hairline! And everything else! Your back is gonna give out, you’ll lose interest in everything that used to give you joy! Before you know it, that stubborn tenacity that drove you to build the SUBAS will be the only thing keeping you from killing yourself.”

Jerith looked hopelessly confused - not something you see every day.

“Is that what happened to you on Earth?” he finally responded.

“Not personally, no. But I saw it all around me. With my friends, my family… and especially on those magic boxes we had. It exists! And it will devour you if you invite it into your house!”

Something changed in Jerith’s face as he realized fully that I wasn’t kidding around. I know that’s what it sounded like, but subtlety is tough when you’re shit-plastered. Hopefully some of the urgency got through to him.

“Alright, fine. I won’t pursue it.” he conceded.

“You’re saving your own life.” I said, relieved.

Of course, saying something and doing it are completely different things…

“As my grandmother always said - A cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.” I finished weakly.

The party was winding down, so we got up and bid each other good night.

Sylvana joined me out of the guild, and we walked hand-in-hand down the street, under a sky full of stars, stationary or otherwise.

“What was all that about?” she asked me.

“Did you see Arrabella waiting for Jerith outside the guild hall?” I said, answering her question with a question.

“No, I didn’t. Did I miss her?”

“Nope. You didn’t see her because she wasn’t there.”

“Why would she be there?”

In that moment, I surrendered control and allowed the spirits (as in alcohol) to guide me.

I pulled Sylvana close and sniffed her, inhaling wisdom through the congested nostril and knowledge through the other.

“To go home with the man she loves.” I answered finally.