Si Ma Zhilian was already walking back to their quarters. Ai Mingxia tailed her. Her mouth felt dry.

Eventually, when they reached the door at last, Si Ma Zhilian turned around just before she would’ve opened the door. Her lips were wavering, but the rest of her smooth, polished face was tense. Her blue eyes were stony. Her lithe body was drawn completely upright, the folds of her robes tight against her torso, and her hips swayed slightly as she turned.

“What are you doing? Why are you following me?” Ai Mingxia could tell Si Ma Zhilian tried to put a hint of amusement into her voice, but it was a thin veil that fell apart easily to show the tenseness inside her. So palpable Ai Mingxia could almost pick it like the string of a lute.

“I… I was wondering whether I could go with you,” Ai Mingxia ventured carefully. She too tensed despite herself. Si Ma Zhilian, for the first time, looked… troubled. She wouldn’t hurt her here, right? Well, if she was already leaving anyways and her sect had already declared war, then wasn’t there really nothing to lose…?
Fuck. Ai Mingxia had become reckless.

No. It would be alright. Si Ma Zhilian wouldn’t kill her and get herself into trouble because she’d still want to leave peacefully. She was strong, but surely she’d be aware that she wasn’t strong enough to beat multiple elders. Right?

And no way she’d be too distraught to throw caution to the wind.

Right?

Si Ma Zhilian arched an elegant eyebrow, and leaned gracefully onto the wall. All the wrong angles, doing all the right things. She twirled a strand of her loose, slightly unkempt brown hair, finger long and nimble. “Why would you want to? This is your sect. They saved you. And I’m just your roommate.”

Even Ai Mingxia’s breaths felt heavy. She had to play her cards right. “Well, I… I want to go with you.” 

“Why?” Si Ma Zhilian’s tone hitched on the single word.

Ai Mingxia felt suddenly aware of the environment around them. The walls were slightly scuffed. The faint imprints of footprints were tracked into the dirt. A stone was overturned. The wind hauntingly caressed them.

“Well. Um. You’re my friend.” The words felt foreign, childish, just a masquerade, but her cheeks heated up slightly. Like they never did in her own body. “And I want to go with you.”
“But am I your closest friend?” Si Ma Zhilian stepped closer, eyes glowing, almost canine. Ai Mingxia shivered despite herself. She could feel the other girl’s cool breath on her skin. She could smell the slight scent of pine trees. “Do you really trust me? You have Luo Yanmei, Lei Chonglin, and Guo Qiuyue. You don’t need me.” She tilted her head, her brown waves cascading to the side over the rounded sleekness of her shoulder. “And you certainly don’t care for me enough to sacrifice your life here for me.”

“I – It’s not like I have a life here.” Ai Mingxia drew herself up. Forced her eyebrows to furrow even as her heart thudded against her chest, even faster than when she was running away in Changhou, and stared Si Ma Zhilian straight in her arctic eyes.  “I’m a nobody.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way…” Her tone softened slightly, but her breath quickened. “But what does that have to do with me?”

“You… you make me feel like I’m somebody. So I want to go with you.” Ai Mingxia sounded just like Qi Niao. You make me feel like I’m somebody. And I love you, and I want to be with you, so I want to go with you.

And I love you, and I want to be with you. 

Ai Mingxia didn’t love Si Ma Zhilian. Si Ma Zhilian didn’t love her. Liu Xiuying didn’t love Si Ma Zhilian. Liu Xiuying hated her, feared her. Liu Xiuying would rip Ai Mingxia to shreds if she knew what she was saying now.

Si Ma Zhilian crossed her arms. “Why do I make you feel like you’re somebody, then?”

“You make me feel special.”

I love you too, Qi Niao. I do.

“Why? Because I’m a sect heir?” Si Ma Zhilian’s words were edged and knife-like. Pressuring. Pointed. Her eyes glittered and blistered like glass.

“No. Because you’re you.” I love you, Ai Yue, because you’re you, and you make my world better. Si Ma Zhilian stared back at her, lips slightly parted and glistening. Sunlight sensuously bathed Ai Mingxia’s suddenly warm skin.  “So let me go with you.”

Si Ma Zhilian’s face flushed. Inexplicably, she reached out slowly, and held Ai Mingxia’s hand.

And Ai Mingxia let her.

It felt like fire. But not like fox-fire. No. The touch was somehow simultaneously searing and cooling, a spark of contradictions. Her fingers were long and her palms slightly calloused. She felt almost like Qi Niao, and suddenly Ai Mingxia almost wished her hand would stray to her thigh, or upwards to her waist.

“Okay. Come with me then.” Her voice was impossibly quiet. Her midwinter-sky-blue eyes strayed downwards for a fraction of a second.

“Thank you. Really.”

What did she do now? She’d gotten what she wanted. But she didn’t want to break free. And what would she do then? Watch as Si Ma Zhilian packed her things, transfixed on the smooth arc of her back? Not saying anything?

In the end, it was Si Ma Zhilian that broke the moment first. “I’ll get to packing my things then.” Her voice was as it usually was, singing and sonorous. Ai Mingxia swallowed and felt a twinge of disappointment despite herself. “You probably should, too.”

As if she had much to pack. 

She couldn’t tear her eyes off Si Ma Zhilian until the girl retreated completely to her room. Ai Mingxia sighed and headed to her own, pulse slowing.

The room was sparse as ever. She kept everything on her person, inside her ring. She sat down on her bed for the last time.

… She hadn’t improved her cultivation in a while. Soon she’d be falling behind. But at the Si Ma Sect, would she ever find any safe opportunity to meditate on it? Would she even receive lessons anymore? Would that entire test ordeal have been worth it?

 But it wasn’t as though she could meditate now. It took time, and that was a luxury she didn’t have. Si Ma Zhilian probably packed quickly, even if she had a lot of things.

In hindsight, she again could’ve used her Spring Gale Breath back in the city to run. She always forgot. She’d taken to her fox-spirit powers like a fish to water – wondering how she had lived without them before – as soon as she’d gotten them, but she often forgot about the cultivational power at her fingertips now.

Ah. Spring Gale Breath. She’d been meaning to teach that to Lei Chonglin, hadn’t she? It felt like a lifetime ago. And now she’d never be able to teach him.

Lei Chonglin, Guo Qiuyue, Luo Yanmei…

Ai Mingxia would miss them despite herself. 

But she’d best not. She’d only known them a little while, and soon they would be enemies.

And everybody Ai Mingxia missed was or would be gone.

So there was nobody Ai Mingxia missed.

Not even Yang Yun, or Lan Tao, or Lian Guang, or Ti Shuang, or Fei Yuan. Certainly not Qi Niao.

Even if they were all already gone.

So be it. This is your life, and you have to live it. 

She lay down and reached her hand upwards, staring at the rot at her wrist. It seemed to have receded a tiny bit, but Ai Mingxia knew that was only wishful thinking.

Despite herself she suddenly imagined somebody laid next to her. A body warm and moving instead of cold and lifeless. Thick brown hair fanned out next to her own cropped black. Once upon a time that was her and Qi Niao. But it’d never be her and anybody else ever again.

Steps sounded, and Ai Mingxia sat up. She’d die before she’d let Si Ma Zhilian see her like this.

“Liu Xiuying? It’s time to go.” She paused. “...Would you mind going on a little detour with me before we leave?”

As if she could say no.

I've decided to try out writing shorter chapters once in a while. Sometimes it's just gotta end when it's gotta end, you know?