Over these last fifteen years, I have come to know, or perhaps force myself to think, that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. As, right here, in this wolf clan, I was able to know what it’s like to be cared for again. I was able to see what it was like to just live a normal life, where siblings didn’t fight me and that father figures did not ignore me…That I wasn’t being used and abused, that I wasn’t treading on egg shells because I knew how easily I could get scolded or beaten.

I was someone worthy to these people, I was someone that was welcomed and kept an eye on, not because they didn’t trust me, but to make sure that I was eating enough and was warm enough…It was nice…

I had grown to think that there were very little good people on this planet. That having been to two countries and been treated the way I had, I really did wonder if there would be people out there like Edna, who could balance out the bad people. Hopefully good people that could uphold justice and help people like me, whom have been abused…They would need to be quite powerful though, I suppose, as the Mosquito Clan seemed to be something that would be hard to fight against…Perhaps…Perhaps, I was just in a bad country…Or two…And that other countries do have good people. And hence, why I wanted to try to believe that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. That, I hoped there was good people elsewhere, people like Edna…

To my other two lives, only Edna had given me this type of affection and to be honest, I was still scared to accept this from this wolf clan so easily.

 

I know it had been sixteen years since I had last been enslaved…But I was worried…That when this nice and warm wolf clan would find out that I was the most wanted Phoenix, would they change into greedy, scary people and…

So, the only thing I had decided about my future, is that I was leaning towards getting away from this place, before I brought out my creature…If I was going to pull out my creature in the first place.

Because…Most of the time…That was when the trouble really started for me…Was when the phoenix became known that it was my creature…Leading me to think, why? Why should I pull out my creature? Would I not be able to live without it?

Living without that power would mean that I could be bullied easily, but it would be worth it, right? Being bullied isn’t the same as being enslaved…But then, it still doesn’t mean I still couldn’t be enslaved…

This type of questioning always started to drive me insane and so, I tried not to think of it so much because I would be a lot happier…But…

Then, I started to think that I should be strong enough to get away and be free, even if I brought out the phoenix, making me very complexed and torn to what to decide on…

I wasn’t sure if my decision included not wanting to corrupt this clan or because it was because I still did not trust them completely…But I still thought that I should leave them, even if I don’t pull my creature out…

 

I do feel that sometimes I question impossible questions without answers though, unable to stop myself.

Questions such as, why hadn’t my father killed me back then, instead of freeing me? Why did he live there in Torte, where he could have moved to a better place? Why do I not feel the bond between that…Dragon…Now, as I had before?

…I vividly remember his roar, his wings flapping and how I had felt as soon as I had seen him, even after all this time…Yet, why wasn’t our bond there right now? Was it because I had not reached in to get my creature out yet?

I was severely questioning whether I should pull the phoenix out or not, even though it was starting to become exceedingly obvious of what creature I had…

Obviously, I had an alpha like aura, is what my new family states…Apparently, I am hard to tell what to do, that my presence gains attention just like their alpha leader does…And that I seem to make others want to bow to me if I am upset or angry…Well, it wasn’t just bow, some have wanted to appease me, not knowing why, and I guess that could be a part of the phoenix, since it’s happened before…

It seemed obvious as well, that I had a bird creature, which is seen because of the birds that are constantly coming to me.

But even though it was obvious, even though I was different, I still wished and hoped that I could live without a master…Live a normal life, perhaps learn what it’s like to have a family of my own and treat them differently as I had been treated in the past.

 

…In Nature’s Call Clan, where they had an alpha leader and some elders, but lives were not controlled…They lived happily and had families and were together…It made me believe that there was a way that even I, whom had lived poorly in families, will have a chance to obtain it!

That, I, whom had even killed my own mother upon birth, could have a family of my own and that I would be able to cherish each one of them as I’d hope they’d cherish me in return.

I could be the mother, someone who cooked food and set the table, making clothes and cleaning the children. Then I could have a husband that would be charming and strong! He could cut wood for winter and use his stern voice to discipline the children if I was having trouble. The children would have a swing and animals, so they could play outside, perhaps even play with some friends. I wouldn’t need a big house, just a nice, cosy and warm house, something that I could call home and be proud of. We wouldn’t need to be rich, I’ll bring up my children to accept what they have and be grateful! They need to respect their elders and do their chores, just like…Just like I had…

It was a dream, that somehow started a while ago, that I wasn’t able to stop…Just a normal family, living their normal lives…

 

Even though I wanted a normal life, I feel that I still won’t be able to be just like Nature’s Call Clan. I just had this feeling that my life wasn’t my own, even now…

…That my dream will only ever be just that…A Dream…

The connection between the dragon and I might not be there, but that feeling of not being complete was…I felt…Incomplete, unfinished…

I knew that I should search out…The dragon…That I will have to eventually leave this place…

The people here were questioning who I was from the start, but I felt like I had become part of their family.

It was strange that they might be questioning me, yet still letting me do as I wished, making me feel like that my creature was acting out, even though they didn’t officially know that I was the phoenix.

As soon as I could, I stopped people from touching me and did not apply myself to any of their training. Many of the wolf pups learnt from a young age to become strong physically and since here they were all wolfs creatures, the wolf pups already knew their creature and did as they were told, trusting their elders in knowing what to learn for cultivating their creature, making me able to use this very reason to not train with them.

 

…I envied them…

Not once in my life had I known what I was trying to do with my creature. What type of cultivation method should I imply? What should I do to make myself stronger? And…How they were all the same, that they had this close connection to one another, that I felt like I’ll never have…Yes, I envied them…

I had never seen this type of closeness before…The mosquito's weren’t packed so tightly to one another and the cockroaches might stick together as a team, but it was evident that they were all in whatever they were doing for themselves…

The wolf clan was different. They seemed to care easily for one another and showed it often. They had also wanted to add me into many things, yet I spent a lot of time on my own and looking up at the sky.

I felt bad…That I knew I had to leave them one day and…I already found myself too close to them. I just know that if I let them too close to me, that I will feel a lose as to what I had and still feel for Edna.

Sometimes, it’s hard to stay clear from them, especially the cute and innocent young ones, but I always remember at the last second that…That I couldn’t bare to feel hopelessly alone like I had before…

So, I kept a distance, reminding myself that being alone was something I should get used to…Being alone was something that I probably was used too already though, I just didn’t want to admit it…

 

I didn’t completely trust others yet, but I felt different to when I did upon death and being reborn once again. Here, in this clan, I felt like there could be a chance in the future that I could rely on others once again. I still held back though, probably because I was scared...

It wasn’t just the first life that I had started to gain trust issues, but also the second. People tended to change and that was what scared me the most. That once I would trust them and lean myself into them, they would abandon me or become someone that would torture or use me…

Many times now, I wanted to be entirely part of the clan and learn with them, yet I always held back and found friends within nature instead.

The birds…They seemed to come to me freely, going on top of my head and onto my shoulders, like I was their master. I let them do as they pleased, only telling them to not poo on me.

 

 

From a lot earlier on, I knew this was different to my first and second lives, that it was like I was already in Creature Realm and that I should already be careful upon what I need to do.

I had not turned eighteen yet, so I was still happily biding my time and coming to a decision…Especially since I feel like I won’t be able to help but become the Phoenix once again. In fact, I think a big reason upon why I couldn’t feel the dragon, was because I was not eighteen yet, as well as not bringing my creature out…But it was strange, because my creature was quite strong, and I felt like it was already out!

I wasn’t sure what was happening to me, but was it something good or bad? Should I continue to do as what others do and pull out my phoenix upon age and continue to train?

Having trained little and on my own, I knew I was already ready for Creature Realm, having cultivated Physical Realm completely.

It hadn’t been hard, and I don’t know why that is, but once a month I would venture further into the bush, past quite a number of normal beasts and arrive upon a desolate place that I could train…

I also felt…That if I grabbed at my creature from within myself, I would probably be able to release it…Even now, even though I was only ‘fifteen’…

Thinking back, I know my second life cultivation was easier than my first, so…Perhaps my third life is easier again…Who knows? But I surely didn’t know or understand!

What scared me though, was what would happen once I would pull out my phoenix…It scared me a lot…

Because…That is when it will become obvious that the phoenix was ready to be enslaved once again…

And that was how I saw the phoenix. The glorious, legendary creature of the phoenix, was known to me as something that was rendered into enslavement…

 

***

 

That’s right, I remember my first enslavement well.

He was the Mosquito King, a ravager, a sadist…A completely black hearted, blood sucker…

Upon having been enslaved, I had felt like my entire existence had changed. I grew to want things that my own master did and knew that it was wrong.

There was a stage there, just before I was enslaved, that I had felt something strange, but it disappeared or went to what felt to be faraway. Then, after a while, I vaguely remember a roar at one stage too…Which I guess was the dragon…Now that I think about it. Well, considering it sounded similar to the dragon’s roar that I heard sixteen years ago, I wonder if I am right…

I couldn’t stop the connection to my new master at all, yet, I found out after a while that I could dull the wants and desires of my master, in which helped.

Losing a sense of self was completely not what anyone would want in life, in my opinion. I wasn’t someone that simply just gave up, yet when days, weeks and then months went by, my determination to be released hardly existed. At first, I could fight back very slightly, but when I was able to dull the connection to my master, I tried explicitly hard to fight everything with my entire being, but it came to no use each and every time! Over the course of those weeks, traveling into months and then years, I ended up not fighting back at all and I detested humans very much!

I felt that my life was cursed, that the phoenix was a curse…That I did not belong or deserve to be where I was and that I was probably never going to trust another human again in this lifetime!

But before I knew it, and was trying hard against this connection, I was already in a deeply hidden area with no escape…I guessed it was probably because of that roar of the dragon, that I had been hidden so well…

 

Before I dulled the wants and desires, I had already been tested in so many different ways, that I nearly already hadn’t cared anymore for fighting back…

Being plucked and not having any idea on what they did with my feathers, being beating for tears, over someone that was nearly dead…The master had made me use my aura to do many things, from that of demanding people to do as they are told in loyalty or to making others bend their knees to him. Then…The worst of it was my blood…

My blood had indeed been the Mosquito King’s major asset.

Not only was he able to cultivate better, having drank my blood, but even a child that was conceived after taking my blood, was stronger than any of his other children.

That was not all, the child ended up being my half-sister’s child…

Juliet ended up becoming some type of concubine or consort to the Mosquito King and had continued to torment my life, on every rare chance that she had got to see me.

Since she conceived such a child, she was doted upon extremely well and had gotten away with treating me poorly…

 

I had found out back then, at some point when Juliet was in the same palace as I, that the Mosquito King ended up paying something to have me, simply because my step mother wouldn’t leave him alone…Actually, I also suspect that they had used me to get Juliet into the palace as well…But, I am not sure if this is truth or not…

Juliet having conceived a child for him, then letting him enslave the phoenix, the step mother required hush money and money on the side as extra…In which the Mosquito King did end up paying, apparently.

After I found this out, I felt like I had never owned my life…

After Edna had died, I became a maid, then became another worker at my father’s house, then became enslaved…And all my family had done, was ask for money…

Had not one of them truly cared and tried to free me from this pain?

Now, to myself asking questions back then, I think I must have been quite dumb. I was still so innocent and naïve, wanting to wish for the best circumstance…Yet, hadn’t I known what they were like already back then!?

Why had I felt like that I could have had some hope that I could be freed?

Such a fool!

 

Then, upon how my father ended up being seen as a nomad and somebody known as going crazy…

I had found out that my father had been kicked out of his own household and his son had taken over. Being a fox creature, my father’s own son had schemed against him and had taken the house under his own command…I also think, now, that my half brother wasn’t the only one that did this…I expect that his mother was also a part of this plan.

Lynx, and most likely his mother, had not wanted to share such benefits from the King, and knowing that our father wanted to help me, he was kicked out and suddenly had the reputation of being crazy.

Since my identity had to be kept a secret, there was nothing else that they could do, unless they directly killed my father, well, that’s what I think they thought…But honestly, they were nasty…All of them were nasty…I am sure that they had even tried to kill my father, but I have no evidence or was never told anything to support this idea…

I didn’t know of my father much until he came to see me though, and that wasn’t long before my first life was over, otherwise, I hadn’t known and still wouldn’t be able to do anything about him losing his residence, even if I had known. After all, I was enslaved and was unable to live a free live…I wouldn’t have been of any help…But, would I have helped him?

Back then, he had ignored me, making me feel like I was a hindrance and that he didn’t love me. Would I have helped him, if I could?